Note: So, I don't really know if I like it... but whatever. This chapter's not as confusing as the first and it's not about reflection on the past.
Lost
Losing all hope was freedom
It was early in the morning and Cody slipped out of Zack's bed. His sleeping pants grazed his ankles with every step. A soft light permeated through each curtain allowing Cody's eyes to adjust to the new light. He made his way through the small room towards a small closet where he bent down and dropped to his knees. His hands dug through a dark blue bag resting in a corner. He pulled out a clean shirt and threw it over his head. Cautiously, he stood up and walked out of the room closing the door softly behind him looking at Zack's bed before he left.
Cody looked down the hallway. It was darker in here; only one window sat at the end of the hallway and overlooked a dark street. Cody's feet left little footprints on the floor as he passed other bedrooms on his way to the bathroom. Inside, he brushed his teeth carefully and washed his face. Cody stared at his reflection in the mirror and felt an emotion rising up from the hollow inside. His eyes, they looked so… empty. Cody threw it off his mind and thought of taking a shower.
Cody turned the shower's water on slowly so it wouldn't make as much of a sound and tested it gently with his palm. Cody showered relaxed allowing the warm water pour over his head and down the small of his back. Afterwards, he dried and clothed himself.
Cody palmed the doorknob, turning it lightly, still afraid of making too much noise. He quickly paced the length of the hallway and entered his room again. Zack stirred and pushed his blanket off of himself. He turned to look at Cody with a strange, half-woken-up look. Cody stood in the doorway looking at him.
"Err, was… that you?" Zack managed, still on the verge of falling back into sleep.
"Oh, yeah. I just took a shower." Cody said in response. Cody left his position in the doorway and moved back towards the closet to search through his bag again. Then Cody returned to sit on his bed pulling shoes and socks on. Cody was relieved Zack hadn't asked about the night before. He didn't want Zack to know he still worried about these things. It'd been three years. He didn't need this.
"No. Not then… Last night." Zack let out. Cody stopped moving nervously around. Zack watched Cody. Cody looked at him slowly and turned his sight to his bag again, which he kept digging through.
"Where're you going?" he pressed on.
"Nowhere, I just want to get some air." Cody played it off.
"Cody. I'm here, if you want…" Zack offered. He knew it wasn't as easy for Cody. He didn't want to pressure him though, so he would let Cody come to him. He would give Cody his space for now. Sooner or later, he would come.
Cody replied with a nod and turned off his bed to walk out the door. Zack made to get out of bed.
This temporary home wasn't right. He'd never felt right here. But, then again, were they supposed to feel right? Were you really supposed to feel "comfortable" in a place like this? He didn't need any of this. It's not like he was orphaned. He had parents, a mom, a dad. It's just; he didn't know where they were and they didn't know where he was.
Cody took several deep breaths before proceeding down the stairs, which met the concreted sidewalk. Cody turned to meet the sidewalk full on. Cody ran. He ran until his veins pumped battery acid. Somehow, it felt better. Things in his head were numbed. It was as if the volume got turned down and only certain things mattered now.
Cody sat down on a wall and placed his heavy, tired head into his hands, which he rested on his knees. Slowly, he pulled himself into a ball, supported by the street wall. Passerbies didn't notice him, content in his own, settled area. Small streaks of liquid ran down his face. He didn't know why he was crying, why he was making a deal out of nothing. Something had shaken him up and he was about to start making it "better." He'd held it in too long.
Cody had lost all hope of getting out. Getting over that… wall. Somehow, he'd held onto a little piece of himself and her for so long. He'd wanted any way for her to come home, crying, and accept him again.
He reached into his pocket. He pulled a small scrap of paper with pencil scratchings so distorted you could barely make out the words – "This isn't going to work out." Cody sobbed when he read it over again. It'd been so long and he'd almost lost hope of finding it earlier this morning when he dug through his bag earlier. Cody didn't know why keeping it was such a big deal. Maybe because it was the last thing she'd held before she left and now it was in his hands, as if he was holding her hand again. No, he told himself. He didn't need that. He didn't need her. This was all too much and he didn't need it.
Cody read it one more time and folded it carefully along the creased lines. He wanted to leave it so badly. He couldn't do it though. He couldn't bring himself to leave the last piece of his mom down. Where would he put it? Should he just throw it down, kick it to the street, turn and walk away? The frustration ate at him. Cody saw a phone booth and walked into it sliding the door behind him. He opened the phone book and set it on the inside scribbling a small note next to its position – "I never needed you."
He needed to talk to Zack. He turned to walk home but stopped short when he turned the corner to look at the group home. He hated it. He didn't need any of it. Cody unhurriedly made his way up the steps and turned the doorknob. Cody peered watchfully into the entrance room before quickly running up the steps and jumping into his and Zack's room.
"Hey," Cody said.
"Hey, little bro," Zack said. "Are you okay?" Zack looked at him as if Cody sat on an examining table, looking at every detail. Tear streaks ran down his face and his eyes were red. His hair was wet and messy. His clothes were dirty.
"Zack, I just don't know anymore," Cody told him slowly. Cody turned around subconsciously to look at the door and locked it. Zack sat on his bed with a magazine in his hand and waited for Cody.
Cody left his shoes by the door and took off his dirty shirt. He went to sit next to Zack.
"When I was gone, I ran," Cody started. "I ran until it hurt and until I couldn't move again. It felt good, Zack." Cody dug his toes into the covers of the bed. He felt a swelling inside his head. Zack turned to look at him closer and ran a hand through his hair.
"Cody, it's okay," Zack said reaching a hand out for Cody.
"No! It's not! Don't you get it? It's never going to be okay until we get out. Things don't just "get better," not things like this, Zack!" Cody suddenly broke.
Things stopped in place. Zack pulled his brother closer with both hands. "I got rid of that note, Zack," Cody told him between sobs.
"Things are gonna get better. I promise," Zack reassured him and he slipped his arms around Cody's waist.