Sorry for the late update, but school comes first and I have an dissertation to work on. Not sure when I'll be able to update again, but I'm not abandoning this fic. I still don't own Mortal Kombat all though I did get MK11 on the Nintendo Switch for Christmas.
Syzoth was simultaneously dreading and looking forward to this interview. The man who had made mass media popular in other realms besides Earthrealm, the man who beat up Shinnok, and the man who had made Reptile give up combat—Johnny Cage, archenemy of the Zaterran race.
The saurian stealth assassin rested his elbows on the studio desk and clasped his hands together.
"Ladies and gentlemen, there are times when a talk show host must put aside personal feelings for the sake of conducting a professional interview."
The audience began whispering and murmuring. Good.
"But when have you ever known me to be professional?" Syzoth smirked. "Please welcome to the show the only kombatant I hate more than Raiden—Johnny hits below the belt Cage!"
The younger version of the actor entered the studio, waving and blowing kisses to the audience.
"Johnny, we love you!" Some random female in the audience said.
"I love my fanbase too, darling."
Syzoth waited an uncomfortable two and a half minutes for the actor to stop waving before ordering his nemesis, "Cage, sit down!"
"What is your problem, Lizard-dude?" Cage said taking his seat.
"That Liu Kang and Kitana are considering making you an Elder God in the next timeline. Older you, maybe, just barely, but this younger you, no, I won't stand for it."
"'Fraid it's not up to you, Lizard-dude."
"Ugh," Reptile sighed, "I'm a raptor, not a lizard. And Liu Kang and Kitana promised that they'd be responsible when reshaping the timeline."
"Relax, I'm just on the team. They're making all the big decisions."
"You don't deserve to get that close to the hourglass. Your signature move almost doomed my species to extinction."
"Hunh?" Cage asked.
"In the first tournament, back on Shang Tsung's island, you punched me in my balls. Not only did you leave me in too much pain to fight back correctly, I'm worried you could have damaged me so that I will be unable to make little Zaterrans."
"Don't you need another Zaterran for that anyway?"
"Yes. Do you know if Khameleon is a girl?"
"Yeah, she's totally a girl, bro. I'm not normally into lizards but if I was…"
"That's enough from you, degenerate. I don't know what Sonya sees in you."
"I'm funny, devilishly handsome, and I'm gonna beat up Shinnok."
"Please, who can't beat up Shinnok? Even I could do that."
"Yeah, why'd you retire anyway?"
"Mostly your fault. Shao Khan considered executing me for losing to you, but General Kotal thought my camouflage ability made me a better spy. So, I primarily went into intelligence with a little Kombat on the side. I was trapped on Shang Tsung's island during all the mess with Kronika, so I figured I may as well stop fighting. Make friends with the new powers that be."
"Ah. Why?" Cage asked.
"Do you know what its like to constantly mess up at your job?"
"No," Cage said, his face strained in thought as he tried to remember if he had ever been through anything similar.
"C'mon, you're the star of Ninja Mime! Don't tell me Earthrealmers consider that entertainment?"
"The Ninja Mime franchise is action/comedy gold! Of course, Earthrealmers love it! Do you know how many sequels it's had in this timeline alone?"
"I pity your realm then."
"Yeah, I pity you. The Reptile I fought in the tournament was mysterious, cool, and creepy. The Reptile who hosts the show is a whiny crybaby."
"Oh, that's just for this episode, Cage. You are the reason that I stopped being good at Kombat."
"Me? How?"
"Ever since you jabbed your knuckles into my testicles, I've worried that every battle could be the end of my species. I'm the last male Zaterran; you made me painfully aware of that. Any battle that could kill me—my species ends. Any battle that leaves me unable to reproduce—my species ends," Reptile said sighing, seemingly objective though pessimistic. Now his tone changed to anger as he stood, "I blame you, Cage!"
Reptile spat as he let the "b" in blame out of his mouth, sending flecks of acid Johnny's way. Cage leaned back on the couch as the spit narrowly missed him.
"Dude, you do not damage this body!"
Reptile assumed a battle posture as he said, "There are plenty of Humans to take your place!"
Reptile became invisible and lashed out at Cage slashing his diagonally against Cage's breastbone.
Johnny stepped back and winced, "Yeah, that's fair. Why not let's see each other, coward!"
Suddenly Johnny felt a fist slam into his private parts.
He mouthed a high pitched, "Ow!" as Reptile became visible again.
"Yes!" Syzoth formed a fist and lifted it up in pride. "I've been waiting three decades for that!"
"So," Cage wheezed, "We even now?"
"Yeah, I suppose so. Man, that felt good!"
Cage staggered back to his seat as Reptile blew kisses to the audience. Once seated in the host's chair again, Reptile said, "I must consider returning to Kombat. That was so satisfying."
"Dude, you really need to find healthier ways to deal with your 'I'm the last Zaterran' funk. There is Chameleon and Kh—"
"Yes, I'm hoping this show will help her locate me."
"Dude, Chameleon's a guy."
"But you just said Chameleon's a girl, attractive even to humans?"
"No dude, Chameleon is a guy."
"All right I've had enough! Is the other Zaterran a guy or a girl?"
"Both."
Reptile felt like he wanted to vomit.
"A hermaphrodite? The raptor of my dreams is a hermaphrodite? Then she can't have children with me anyway—"
"No Khameleon can definitely have kids with you."
A lump formed in Syzoth's mouth. She looked like a woman whom even human males found attractive—this was good; she could have children—this was the point; but she had,,,both? And that idiot Cage was the one to tell him…the actor had ruined his life once again.
"You know I thought after I exacted my vengeance, we could let bygones be bygones, but after what you just said, I want to eat your eyeball and let my acid saliva drip through to your brain!"
"What did I say?" Johnny was confused.
"That Khameleon is both male and female."
"No, no," Johnny shook his head. "Khameleon is a lady raptor, but Chameleon is a dude."
"That doesn't make any sense!" Syzoth hissed.
"A guy and girl raptor can't have the same name but spell it differently? In my culture people do it all the time."
Then it hit Syzoth….
"There are two of them?"
"Yeah, there's the future Mrs. Reptile and your competition."
Elder Gods, no…they couldn't know each other!
Keep your cool, Syzoth
"Yeah, so really you should thank me," Cage said. "If not for tonight you'd still be the same whiny butthurt loser, but I brought back the savage badass Reptile the fans love. Trust me, if Khameleon is watching she'll definitely want you over Chameleon."
"Is that how you romanced Sonya? Because I'm pretty sure she didn't need your help in the tournament. In fact I think she could easily beat you herself."
"Reptile, chicks dig confident men."
"Oh, I agree, but I think you are more blowhard than confident."
"Hey, future me beat up Shinnok."
Syzoth raised two claws in the air. "Two points: without his amulet a five-year-old could beat up Shinnok, and future you is a lot more humble since his fights were mostly real."
The audience exploded in laughter and cheers.
"And you still chose to interview the younger me?"
"The network did, but I am glad. Older you is actually respectable. I would have had a hard time punching him below the belt. You deserve it though."
"You're still a sore loser, Reptile."
"And you still need to grow up, Cage. I've avenged my loss to you. Now I'm celebrating, and it gets better. Please welcome our next guest, Johnny Cage!"
Younger Johnny's jaw dropped as Older Johnny walked onto stage.
Reptile stood and shook the human's hand.
They mouthed something to each other that younger Johnny couldn't quite make out.
"So, older Johnny Cage, are you happy with the decision to leave you out of the new Elder Gods' council?"
"That's just it, Reptile, they're not leaving me out. They're using the same technique they used to fuse past Liu Kang and Kitana with their revenant selves."
"Ah…you sure you want him?"
"Hey!" Younger Johnny said.
"You already have all of his memories plus thirty more years of life experience. You were a good father, a good soldier, an average husband, and a pathetic actor."
"What?" Younger Johnny said.
"Sonya and I get divorced…" Older Johnny said as Younger Johnny looked dejectedly at the floor. "We get back together though." Now he turned to face Reptile. "Who says I'm a pathetic actor?"
"Me. I've watched the entire Ninja Mime series to prep for this information. I'll admit that you can fight for the action sequences, but the comedy…"
"Oh no," Older Johnny rested his palm on his forehead, in mock exasperation, "My first Zaterran critic?"
"Unless your jokes involve sex, toilet humor, or ethnic stereotypes, you just cannot be funny."
"That's what Earthrealmers find funny!" Younger Johnny whined.
"Eleven films, and each one is just a clone of the one before it, and your character is just a more immature version of the one you played in Caged Fury."
"See, that's a non-comedy film."
"No, it's just an action piece that's really short on plot…wait," Reptile paused. An idea had just struck him. "I stand corrected. Recut it, change the soundtrack, and it's definitely a comedy film! A great one in fact."
"Yeah, sarcasm is the lowest form of wit," Younger Johnny said.
"But I was being serious, Cage. It fails miserably at getting the adrenaline pumping, but if you recut it as a comedy…"
"I can act in a serious role," Older Johnny said,
"Not in this timeline, or any one closely related to it, though I could see you doing a credible Shao Khan if someone ever makes a film of his life in the Annihilation timeline."
"Is that the one where Shinnok is Eurotrash?" Younger Johnny said.
Older Johnny smacked his forehead and stared at the floor.
"See folks, ethnic stereotyping…" Reptile said to the audience, "but if I'm following you, Shinnok is an old man with a goatee and Swiss accent and far more credible as the bigger bad behind Shao Khan's big bad,"
"Why could I just play myself if this is based on real events in an alternate timeline?"
"Because you interact with Shao Khan for a grand total of like five minutes, and then you get killed."
"Ah,"
"Besides, they want someone who is a total ham to play Shao Khan. One of you should try for it."
"You know, I think I want the part," Older Johnny said.
"Why so?" Reptile asked.
"It's not as bad as you say but Ninja Mime has gotten stale. It could be fun to be the villain for once." Older Cage looked to his younger self, "Johnny, you should join me you can play yourself in a cameo."
"Cool."
"And older you can kill off younger you on screen. Justice finally prevails!" Reptile said gleefully.
"You really hate me, don't you?" Younger Johnny said.
"You got in my head Cage, so seeing your younger self suffer is always pleasurable. And if anyone can take himself seriously as an intrerealm warlord bent on ruling everything and appeasing his demanding father, zombified wife, and estranged stepdaughter—in a comedy—it's Johnny Cage."
"Wait," Older Johnny said, "Did you just compliment me?"
"I usually have nothing but scorn and ridicule for you cage, but I will give compliments where they are earned. Enjoy it, Cage. I doubt you'll get another."