Merry Christmas, everyone!
Chapter 5 of 5
xxx
Christmas Eve was usually quiet at the CBI. If they didn't have a case, Jane often entertained the team by alternately teaching Rigsby tricks or playing them on him. Van Pelt would watch him and smile. Cho would pretend to read his book and ignore them. Even Lisbon joined in occasionally, leaning against the empty desk in the bullpen and shaking her head over their antics with a smile. Over the years they'd developed a tradition of going out to lunch as a team, so long as nobody had to get on the road too early for their holiday travels. Lisbon insisted on treating the team, saying it was the least she could do as the boss, but Jane always managed to slip some cash into her pockets when she wasn't looking so she wouldn't have to foot the entire bill alone.
This year, Van Pelt had already left to go to Iowa, so it was just Jane, Rigsby, and Cho in the bullpen that morning. Rigsby was bored and distracted, but Jane was in no mood to take it upon himself to alleviate his boredom. After the mess Rigsby and his slingshot had landed him in, Jane felt he deserved to suffer a bit. Cho read his book as usual.
Lisbon greeted the team when she came in, then shut herself in her office. Her terse greeting let Jane know how she wanted to play this. No matter how hurt and angry she was, she wanted to him to pretend everything was normal. In front of the team, at least. Jane felt he owed it to her to accede to her wishes on this point. It was the least he could do, under the circumstances. She betrayed no particular animosity towards Jane, but her face was drawn and her posture defeated. Jane wondered if she'd gotten any sleep the night before. His insides squirmed with guilt, but he resisted the urge to tease her into a better frame of mind. She deserved her space. For once, Jane intended to respect whatever boundaries she set.
She emerged from her office at noon and fixed herself a fresh cup of coffee. This task completed, Jane saw her take a deep breath, square her shoulders, and walk over to the bullpen in an affected attitude of good cheer.
"Hey," she said to the room at large, her tone over bright. "How's it going out here?"
"Good," Rigsby said distractedly. He was playing a rousing game of minesweeper on his computer. He'd lost four games in a row.
"You guys want to get lunch today?" Lisbon asked, not looking at Jane. "Or should we wait until Van Pelt gets back after the New Year?"
Jane heard the sound effect from Rigsby's computer that signaled he'd just lost another game. Rigsby sighed and looked up. "Actually, boss, do you mind if I take off for the day? I'm driving down to see my mom. It'd be nice to beat some of the holiday traffic."
"Yeah, go ahead," Lisbon said, waving him off. "It's dead here, anyway."
"Thanks, boss," Rigsby said gratefully. He stood up and pulled on his jacket. "It'll be better if we go when the whole team is here anyway, don't you think?"
"Sure," Lisbon said. "Rain check."
Rigsby left. Lisbon looked at Cho. "What about you? Want to get lunch, or do you need to get on the road, too?"
"I'm leaving in twenty minutes to catch the train to Oakland," Cho said, checking his watch. "Guess it's just you and Jane for lunch today."
Lisbon's face fell, though she valiantly tried to conceal her dismay. Jane couldn't bear to subject Lisbon to an awkward and emotionally fraught meal when she would clearly rather eat worms than spend time alone with him.
He stood up. "Actually, I'm going to take off, too," he announced. "I've got some Christmas shopping to do."
Lisbon failed to hide her relief. "Okay. Both of you have a good holiday, then."
"You, too, boss," Cho said, and Jane murmured his agreement.
Jane fled, trying not to think about leaving Lisbon alone in the office on Christmas Eve, or leaving her alone in her apartment on Christmas Day.
Once he was out of the building, he decided he might as well do as he'd said and go through the motions of Christmas shopping. He always got the team gifts, but he usually used the time between Christmas and New Year's when the rest of the team was out of town to do his shopping. The exercise of meandering around the city in search of small gifts for his friends helped him pass the time without going mad with boredom or falling into too deep a depression thinking about his family. He then spent an inordinate amount of time hiding them around the office in increasingly unlikely places. See point A about boredom and depression, etc.
Cho was easy. Over the years, Jane had gotten in the habit of making a mental note whenever he read something he thought Cho would enjoy, so he always had a handy list when he visited bookstores over the holidays.
Rigsby was so easily pleased that he never posed the least challenge, either. He got equally excited about gourmet gift baskets, sports paraphernalia, and magic tricks.
Grace was a bit trickier, but not my much. He usually got her things like a spa day or a gift certificate to a yoga retreat. He felt these gifts lacked creativity, but he knew they were things she loved but wouldn't usually splurge on for herself.
Lisbon was always the most challenging and the one he most loved shopping for. Coming up with ways to surprise a smile out of her always added savor to his holiday experience.
He'd certainly set himself up for a challenge this year. What gift said, 'Sorry I accidentally kissed you and I promise it won't happen again, even though I really, really want it to?'
Maybe he should just get her a gift certificate to the gun range.
He paused in front of a jewelry store and stared at the display case. He contemplated ropes of emeralds, but reflected gloomily that was a non-starter under the circumstances.
He moved on. Flowers, no. Chocolate, no. Trite, and also likely to send entirely the wrong message. This was supposed to be a Christmas present, not a gift a man gives a woman he's involved with as an apology.
Except—well, it did need to be an apology. A festive, Christmasy apology. Not between two people who were romantically involved, but—
His brain shorted out again, not wanting to pursue that train of thought even so far.
Maybe he needed two gifts. He thought of the look on Lisbon's face last night when she'd left. Perhaps a whole sleighful.
He walked around the block. He bought an apple and some fancy stationary for the purpose of making some origami apology animals. Upon consideration, he bought a second box. He might need a zoo to get out of this one. Maybe an ark.
After completing his shopping for the rest of the team, he'd still failed to come up with a suitable gift for Lisbon. Defeated, he headed back to the CBI, thinking that he could at least slip the apple on her desk so she wouldn't feel entirely forsaken by her team the day before Christmas.
She wasn't in her office, but her jacket was still on her chair, so he knew she hadn't left yet. Deciding to go alphabetically with his animal apologies, he left her an origami aardvark along with the apple, then retreated to the attic to continue wrestling with the problem of how to fix things with Lisbon.
The trouble was, every time he tried to come up with words eloquent enough to express his remorse, his brain detoured to the exquisite sensation of her skin against his lips. This had the inevitable consequence of diverting him from the task of begging for forgiveness and causing him to fixate instead on how to persuade her to let him do it again.
He roamed the attic, restless. He couldn't settle down. Finally, he went back downstairs in search of tea to calm himself, half-hoping, half-dreading the prospect of seeing Lisbon.
She was back in her office. He took his tea and hovered awkwardly in her doorway. "Hey."
She looked up. That same flicker of dismay flashed across her face for half an instant before she succeeded in covering it. She played it cool. "Hey."
Jane ignored the stab of pain that pierced his chest at her dismayed reaction to finding him back before the end of the day. He gestured to the paperwork on her desk. "I hope you're planning on leaving all this behind soon."
"Yeah," she confirmed. "I'm gonna leave at four and go to five o clock mass."
"Glad to hear it." She was trying so hard to pretend nothing had happened, but Jane could feel the presence of that ill-fated kiss like a physical weight in the room. Like operating at 3G but pretending gravity only exerted its usual pull. He cleared his throat. "Listen, Lisbon—"
She cut him off. "I don't want to talk about it."
"Okay," he said, abashed.
She fixed her eyes on her computer monitor, visibly trying to regain her composure. "How did your shopping go?"
"Meh," he said with a shrug. "It's a work in progress."
"I see." Lisbon seemed at a loss.
This was torture. He couldn't stand awkward, weighty silences with Lisbon. They'd never had an uncomfortable silence between them in their lives. They'd had angry silences—well, on Lisbon's end, anyway. They'd shared innumerable instances of that rare and precious commodity, the companionable silence, but this—it was physically painful. Jane felt ill, watching Lisbon try so hard to pretend everything was normal between them.
Worse, he felt powerless to help her. He had no scheme, no brilliant plan. It was all his fault. If only he hadn't been stupid enough to yield to temptation. If only he could eradicate the memory of that brush of her lips against his. Forget the flicker of her pulse beneath his mouth. Her intoxicating scent.
This train of thought was not helping.
"Well," he said finally. "Merry Christmas, Lisbon."
"You, too, Jane." Her eyes were sad.
He left, feeling like the lowest form of life on the planet.
Xxx
He went for a walk. Had he broken them for good with that single mistake? He couldn't bear the idea of Lisbon permitting him to stay with the team and pretending everything was normal while at the same time slowly, inexorably distancing herself from him. If he were smart, he'd let her do it. It would be the best option to ensure her continued health and safety. He wouldn't have to worry about Red John coming after her because of him anymore.
But no—that wasn't right. Just because she distanced herself from him wouldn't mean Jane would care for her any less. Red John would know that. He knew Jane didn't give up and move on. He'd know that even if Lisbon moved to a new city, married some faceless stranger, and had 2.3 children, the depth of Jane's feelings would remain unchanged. The killer might even be more likely to take her, knowing that Jane's torture would be even more profound if he let Red John take Lisbon without letting her know how deeply she was loved.
There. He'd admitted it. To himself, at least. He'd been fighting the idea for so long he couldn't remember exactly when the battle had begun. After so many years, all his armor, his ironclad control—it had all been undone by a sprig of mistletoe and a single soft press of the lips.
God, what wouldn't he give for another taste. But that was the whole problem, wasn't it? He knew—had always known—that if he had even the smallest taste, it would never be enough. He would want more and more of her. Eventually, he'd reach the point where he'd throw over everything just for a chance of gaining access to even a little bit more of her heart. Including his revenge. The thing that had driven him, defined him for almost a decade. The thought of giving that up terrified him.
But on the other side of the scale was Lisbon. Lisbon, who was the best person he knew. Lisbon, who was smart, sarcastic, and kind. Lisbon, whose chaste kiss had sent him into a fervor. Lisbon, who he'd made sad on Christmas Eve.
He allowed himself to think about what it would be like to be with Lisbon. Those Saturday mornings in bed with the paper and Lisbon's bare legs. Watching movies on her couch on Friday nights. Crafting little surprises for her, going on adventures together. Arguing, then making up. His breathing sped up.
For so long, he'd closed himself off to the possibility. But what if it was actually possible? To have a life. To have a life with Lisbon. If she didn't kill him first, of course. But if it were possible—
He'd be a fool to give it up.
He turned on his heel and quickened his pace.
He'd finally thought of a Christmas present for Lisbon.
Xxx
He went over his speech in his mind as he knocked on Lisbon's door two hours later. It was a good speech. Eloquent. Heartfelt. He was confident it would produce the intended result.
But when Lisbon answered the door wearing her green Christmas tree sweater, the speech flew out of his head.
She tilted her head in inquiry. "Jane, what—?"
Before he consciously formed any intention to do so, he stepped forward, buried both hands in her hair, and kissed her, long and deep.
Lisbon, startled at first, faltered. But when Jane pressed closer, she clutched at his lapels, then buried her hands in his hair in turn and kissed him back.
He sighed into her. Yes. This was more like it. This was what he'd been craving, what he needed like he needed his next breath. Her. Just her.
When they finally broke apart an indeterminate period of time later, both breathing raggedly, Jane sucked in a lungful of oxygen and declared, "That was not an accident."
She arched a brow at him. "No?" She meant it to sound sarcastic, but her general appearance of being drunk with lust rather ruined the effect. He had to say it was a damn good look on her.
"No," Jane said with conviction. He paused. "Can I come in?"
Lisbon, who had been leaning against the door (he might have pressed her up against it a moment ago), stepped away from the door and gestured for him to come in.
He shut the door behind him. "How was church?"
Her eyes narrowed. "Is that all you have to say for yourself?"
Jane shrugged. "Just making polite conversation." He gestured to the Christmas tree sweater. "Did you wear that to mass?"
She crossed her arms over her chest defensively. "I changed when I got home."
"Okay." He reached into his pocket and handed her a small box wrapped in silver paper. "I got you a Christmas present."
Lisbon turned the box over in her hands as though she didn't quite know what to do with it. "Thanks."
"Open it," he urged.
She did so, gingerly. She extracted the small bundle of twigs and leaves from the box and held it up in some consternation. "You got me mistletoe for Christmas?"
"Yes." Jane cleared his throat. "But it's not a Christmas present, really."
"It's not?" Lisbon repeated. "Then what is it?"
He held her gaze. "More a down payment of sorts. On a lifetime supply."
She looked like she'd been hit on the back of the head with a hammer. "A lifetime supply?" she said faintly. Her voice rose. "You went from 'it was an accident' to a 'lifetime supply' in twenty-four hours?"
Jane winced. "I'm sorry about the, um, accident." He paused. "Well, no, I'm not sorry. Not about the accident, anyway. In fact, I'd count it as one of the high points of my life to date. But I am sorry for calling it an accident."
"For being a coward, you mean," Lisbon accused.
"Yes." He stepped closer to her. "I don't want to be a coward anymore."
Lisbon looked at the mistletoe in her hand. "You don't?"
"No." He took her free hand. "I want to be with you, instead."
"What about-?"
He forestalled her, knowing what she was about to ask. He didn't want Red John to have any share in this moment. "I don't know." He squeezed her hand. "I'm hoping that's something we can figure out together."
"Okay," she whispered.
He raised his eyebrows. "Does that mean you're in?"
She nodded. She still looked somewhat dazed, but her voice was clear and strong. "I'm in."
"Excellent." He leaned forward and pecked her on the lips. Then went back in for another, unable to help himself. "Want to spend Christmas with me?"
Lisbon leaned back and eyed him suspiciously. "Are you inviting yourself to spend the night?"
"Not inviting myself," Jane corrected her. "Fishing for an invitation. There's a critical difference."
Lisbon rolled her eyes. "Yeah, all right," she said, straining to keep her voice casual. "You can stay."
"Wonderful." He leaned in and stole another kiss. He hadn't spent nearly enough time acquainting himself with her mouth.
"You know," Lisbon sighed into his mouth, curling her fingers into his collar. "I'm not entirely sure I've forgiven you, you know."
Wordlessly, he reached into his pocket and pressed a small object of folded paper into her hand.
She looked down at the origami creature in her hand. "What the hell is that?"
"It's a badger," Jane informed her.
Lisbon looked at the creature dubiously. "It looks like a mutant dog."
"I decided to work my way through the animal kingdom alphabetically," he explained. "Given how badly I'd pissed you off and how badly I'm likely to piss you off in the future, I thought it might be wise to start in on an ark."
Lisbon looked at the badger again and bit her lip. "Would you make me a nativity set?"
"A nativity with an aardvark and a badger?" Jane said, amused.
"Yes," she said firmly.
He swooped in for another kiss. "I'd be happy to, my dear."
She sighed into his mouth again. "Merry Christmas, Jane."
"Merry Christmas, Lisbon."
Later—much later—he helped her hang the mistletoe over the door.
xxx
End