A Little Bit Of Waiting

She was my idol. All I ever did was for her. I worked endlessly to please her. I listened to her every word. I memorised her methods. I admired her. I followed her. I guarded her. I protected her. Even when she disappeared from my life, I thought I hated her, but then she came back, and nothing has changed. I vowed that I would wait for her, forever, no matter how long it took.

I thought it was love. I still do.

They tell me that love is beautiful, sometimes bittersweet, but worth it. I never told anyone, but I believe it. It was painful when she left me, but it doesn't hurt anymore. She still cares, and it's all worth it.

Shihouin Yoruichi is worth it.

I know it. Yourichi-sama doesn't.

After the Bound incident in the human world, Yourichi-sama regularly called me in to help her, and I always obeyed without hesitation. On one particular mission, I was injured by a Hollow and passed out for awhile. When I came to, I was in one of the rooms in Urahara's shophouse. My wounds were bandaged. I looked up and saw Yourichi-sama standing at the window, gazing out into the night sky.

Without moving, she said quietly, "You're awake."

"Yes." I got up quickly and into a respectful sitting position. I caught Yourichi-sama's small smile in the reflection on the window.

"No matter what I say, you will never treat me like an equal, would you?"

I did not reply, but lifted my eyes to watch her. She was staring through the window down at something, her eyes filled with a tender and soft look reserved for only one person. It is not me.

"Why him?" The words were out of my mouth before I could stop myself.

Yourichi-sama started, and turned around, a quizzical look on her face. Then, realisation dawning upon her, her mouth spread into a wide grin, her fangs baring, her laughter a low rumble echoing around the room. My heart tightened, how i loved her laughter!

Once her laughter faded, she gave me a wide, thoughtful smile and crouched down in front of me. "You should rest now," she whispered softly, placing a warm hand on my forehead and pushing me lightly down. I closed my eyes obligingly, listening to Yourichi-sama settle herself doen beside me and the steady rhythm of our breathing interwined. I wouldn't have minded staying like that for the rest of our lives.

I was almost drifting off to sleep when I heard the rustling of Yourichi-sama moving. My body instinctively tensed.

"He is unexplainable," Yourichi-sama's voice was a wistful sigh, "sly, mysterious, random, moronic, childish, ingenious, scheming, calculating, undecided, independent, cowardly, responsible... It's no wonder, isn't it?"

I was tempted to ask her, "No wonder what?", but decided that I was better off not knowing.

There was a long stillness, and for awhile I thought Yourichi-sama had fallen asleep, until she stirred again.

"Do you have something to ask me, Soi Fong?"

I shifted uncomfortably and blurted out, "If you like him so much, why don't you tell him and get together?"

There was another shocked silence, and Yourichi-sama started laughing again. I winced inwardly.

"Ah, Soi Fong, you are precious," Yourichi-sama chuckled, "I need to think again. Go back to sleep first."

I kept quiet and waited noncommittally. Not long after, Yourichi-sama let out a long breath and I imagined her with her familiar sad smile.

"Sometimes," Yourichi-sama said softly, "love requires a little bit of waiting."

I think my heart broke at that point.

What does he have that I don't? How can he manage to give her everything she needs and wants? I don't want to keep waiting for something that would never be. In the end, will I be all alone again? Will I be the one with nothing left?

I don't want to keep watching, keep hoping, keep praying, keep believing, keep deceiving myself anymore. I'm so tired, I just want to forget I ever met her; just want to give up.

She would laugh at the way I torment myself, and then smile and make me feel better again. But in the end, it's him that really matters isn't it?

That Urahara Kisuke.

The way she looks at him, the way he understands her; will I ever be able to achieve that level of mutual trust and respect with anyone at all? The depth of their relationship, the strength of their bond, built over hundreds of years, is virtually unbreakable. The space they are in revolves around each other, and no one, much less me, could ever penetrate it. It's like they have a secret, and only the two of them know of its existence.

I sit alone in the darkness, wallowing in my self-pity. It's not fair, not fair at all. Why should it turn out this way?

Then, out of the darkness, I hear a voice, "My, my, don't fuss so much. You're just as short-tempered as ever."

And I feel my heart lifting; I smile weakly at myself. Let what come may, eh?

So maybe I will keep waiting. Maybe love will turn around and look me in the eye, again, some day, for someone else, I don't know. But for now, I will just keep quiet and wait.

After all, love requires a little bit of waiting.