This Strange Feeling

They tell me I am strong, powerful, special, unusual, short maybe, but certainly domineering.

You say I am childish, sneaky, bad-tempered, ungrateful and definitely short. I do not correct your definition.

I still remember the day I became a shinigami. It had been a speedy process; I passed all the examinations with ease, and everyone said I was a shinigami prodigy, there was no doubt about it. It certainly seemed quite obvious.

After receiving my results, I stepped out of the cool shadow of the office, and stood still for a moment as my fellow newly-instated shinigami filed out of the office, chattering excitedly. I was quite aware of them avoiding me, preferring to move a hand's breadth around me. I sighed quietly and closed my eyes, feeling the rush of accomplishment fill me, overcoming the void of loneliness, before I heard the voice, your voice, reach me. I opened my eyes, only to see you launching yourself onto me in a hug.

"SHIRO-CHAN!" You sang, beaming at me with delight, whirling me around. I struggled out of your embrace, flushing angrily, trying to ignore the burning stares of the curious shinigami around us.

"Idiot Momo," I snarled, smoothening my robes, "what are you doing here?"

"To congratulate you, of course!" You were unperturbed by my rudeness, for once. "C'mon, I specially prepared some watermelons for you!"

Before I could reply, you grabbed my hand in yours and pulled me off to your, our secret place and presented me with the best watermelons in season. I still remember how your hand was still slightly larger than mine then. I still remember its warmth surrounding mine, not letting go until we reached our destination. It gave me a queer feeling, a jab of intense emotion.

I had felt it before, many times. When you visited me in your holidays, before I knew I had any spiritual power, bringing watermelons for me; when you brought me to the hills to catch the millipedes you were so afraid of; when you welcomed me into the school for shinigami. I didn't know what it was then, or maybe I did, I just didn't want to admit it.

That feeling, it didn't stop pestering me whenever you were around. When I was appointed the 10th Squad Captain, receiving my Captain robes from Captain Yamamoto, you were there, with the rest of the Captains and Vice-captains. I never will forget the way you looked at me with pride and happiness, the way you clasped your trembling hands in front of you. That feeling attacked me right then. I wanted to be next to you, hear you say you are so proud of me, and clutch me in a tearful hug. But that had to wait.

After the Captains and Vice-captains had presented their congratulations, I briefly told Matsumoto to return to the office first, and I retreated to our secret place. I saw you turn to Captain Aizen, the man you admired and respected so much, requesting for some time off, before running to join me.

"Shiro-chan!" You gasped for breath, smiling widely at me, tears brimming in her eyes. I did not let myself move, afraid I might spoil the moment between us.

"I'm a Captain now, Vice-captain Hinamori," I said, my words colder than I had wanted. "You promised to stop that offensive nickname when I reached your rank. I have achieved that, and more."

"I know," you smiled at me, tears leaking out of your eyes, "I will try, I promise, Captain Hitsugaya."

But deep inside, you and I both knew that you would not be able to shake off that habit anytime soon. After awhile, though, you started addressing me as Hitsugaya-kun, instead of Shiro-chan. And that funny feeling started becoming more regular, almost constant. As soon as you enter my mind, it will consume me, and I would be caught by surprise at its intensity every time.

Yet even though I was finally up to your standard and more, I saw you less and less. And the few times I spotted you, you were usually around the man you adored so much. The man who betrayed Soul Society, who betrayed us, who betrayed you.

And then came the day when this war began brewing. Your beloved captain was found apparently murdered. The chaos and fear that followed, they will remain in the history of Soul Society forever. When you attacked Kira, broke out of your cell, accused me, I will never be able to erase from my memory.

The feeling assualted me again, this time bringing pain and confusion with it. I had never understood the importance your captain was to you until then.

Even when he thrust his bloody sword through you, you refused to accept the truth presented right in front of you. Those days I spent by your bedside, unable to stay longer than a few minutes for fear of breaking into pieces, that blasted feeling jabbed at me mercilessly. It was not unlike hanging on a thread, waiting just to shatter apart.

When you finally awoke, smiling at me weakly through that screen, a wave of air washed over me, as if I was being pulled out of stagnant water. You said you felt fine, but you obviously felt otherwise. And you apologised to me. Idiot. You really are a dummy.

And you begged me not to kill Aizen. That he was being forced to murder and backstab all of us. That feeling overwhelmed me, dragging angry rage with it. I cannot ever forgive Aizen. I would fight him, defeat him, if not personally, then doing everything possible to help the one who would.

The war came and passed. It soon became clear who would be the ones leading us into battle. The captains and vice-captains trained whenever possible, tensed and ready to destroy the traitors of Soul Society. Justice burned in them, and determination overcame uncertainty.

Urahara, Yourichi, even Isshin joined us. It was good to see some old faces, especially those with immense spiritual power in them.

Then there was the Kurosaki kid, and his friends. They were a welcome help, filling in the gaps between us, reminding us of the living we were fighting for.

Throughout the battle, I saw you a few times. You were weak, healing, but still weak, emotionally and physically. Your spirit was diminished, and you were like a fading gust of wind. Every look at your face renewed that feeling, fuelling my willpower.

And then it was all over. Kurosaki, with the younger Kuchiki and his friends, had finished it. Aizen was gone, his henchmen destroyed. There was a high death count, and it was a tragic victory. I had just finished off an Arrankar, almost finishing myself in the process, when the familiar shadow of Captain Unohana descended upon me.

The strange feeling was nagging at the edge of my heart again, despite my strength seeping out of me like rushing water. My entire mind was filled with only the question of where you were.

"It is over, Captain Hitsugaya," Captain Unohana murmured to me, unsheathing her Zanpakutou, "you can rest now."

"Captain Unohana," I rasped, "take care... Hinamori."

Darkness swirled and overtook me.

When I come to, I am in a hospital room, the drip dropping loudly in the soundless room. I blink wearily at the dimly lit space. Something rustles, somewhere to my right. I tilt my head and see you, curled up in a small wooden chair, your dark eye bags visible again. You yawn and stretch, hands over your head, rubbing your eyes in exhaustion, before noticing me staring solemnly at you from the bed.

"Ah, Shiro-chan!"

It is all so clear now. This strange feeling that overwhelms me is all about you, isn't it? But then again, it does not really surprise me. Maybe I already knew. Maybe I was just... Waiting.

And so, I succumb to this sharp, warm, stinging, fuzzy feeling.

"Idiot Momo."