Inspired by 'First Burn' from Hamilton
Silence.
Darkness.
Emptiness.
Heartbreak.
Pain.
Fire.
Burning...
As Caitlin stands in front of the fireplace, all these words keep repeating in her head. The embers dance, taunting her of their joy, while the cracks and pops of the fire keep her in a trance. The heat comforts her with its invisible blanket as she feels her heart start to freeze over. Before she knows it, her legs give out causing her to kneel. The pain on impact is numbing compared to the ache of her heart.
She looks down at the article in her hands, re-reading the words on the page. Devastation. A new word. Re-read. Foolish. A new word. Re-read. Embarrassment. A new word. No more. She shakes her head violently while ripping the paper and throwing it into the fire. She watches it burn as the tears stream down her face. She clutches her stomach, no longer able to hold back the pain.
The sound of the front door unlocking, opening, then closing, stops her. She listens to the soft footsteps leading towards her, stopping somewhere behind her. She didn't need to look to know who it is. His presence is familiar and it has been over the past few years.
Silence. Darkness. Repeat.
He swallows invisible salvia. Shifts his weight back and forth. Bites his inner lip. He opens his mouth just to close it. He can't find the words and instead watches her kneel in front of the fire. He dares to take one more step.
"Don't."
He freezes, examing her posture. Licking his lips, he tries again - taking another step. "Cait -"
"Don't! Don't you dare use that name," she snaps, grinding her teeth, as she finally looks over her shoulder to the man behind her.
He stands frozen in place. His shocked expression changes to a guiltful and painful one. While her eyes fill with anger and disgust. She scans over him as he stands there - looking like a lost puppy.
Disgust. A new word.
Finding some strength, she stands glancing at the fire and seeing the ashes form. The tears begin to coat her eyes but a small laugh tickles her throat. Her hand clutches the mantel for support with words leaving her mouth - her voice filling the silent room.
"From the moment I saw you I fell for you. Thinking you could be mine someday. Granted I was your doctor first, but with time I fell harder for you," she looks at him for a moment; his eyes soften holding back tears on his own. "Then you got together with Iris and I respected that. Then came the day, you told me that you fell for me," another small laugh escapes along with a tear. "At that moment, I said to myself, 'you were mine'. I thought you were mine..."
Silence. Heartbreak. Repeat.
Caitlin wipes the fallen tear, looking back at the flames. "Do you know what Cisco said when we found out what you had done?" Beat. "'Let Frost kick his ass or better yet freeze his ass.'"
"Cait," his voice cracks as he steps forward.
"DON'T!" she screams and walks towards him. "Don't take another step in my direction. I can't," she shakes her head. "I can't trust myself around you," her voice breaking. She bites her lip then pushes past him to head to their bedroom.
His footsteps echo hers, ignoring her demands. "Caitlin I'm sorry," he cries as the tears fall faster down his face. He tries to grab a hold of her but, she is too far out of reach. "Cait, please," he begs as she runs faster to their room. Not wanting to lose her, he flashes there before her.
She jumps feeling the whip of her hair after she slams the door, forgetting his meta abilities. Her blood starts to boil. She wants to scream. She wants him to leave. She wants Frost to take over, but this is between her and Barry.
Anger. A new word.
"GET OUT!" she screams, pointing to the door, while her eyes flicker from brown to white and back.
He shakes his head, "No, I will not walk away from you. I will not walk away from us. We have been through too much to let each other down now." With every word, he steps closer to her wanting to wrap her in his arms and forget the problem at hand. To hold her close to his heart, for her to hear as it beats only for her. To feel her wrap her arms around him in comfort.
As he walks towards her, she walks backward until her back is against the door. She sees his arms trying to reach for her.
Ache. A new word.
Loath. A new word.
"Don't!" she snaps, stopping him in place. "Don't think you can talk your way into my arms and make everything better. THIS," she expresses with her hands, "This, isn't going away by pretending, Barry."
"I know. I know Cait. But just listen to me please." he begs, reaching for her elbow. She scoffs pushing him away to walk further into the room as far away from him as possible. "Let me explain," he stresses.
Caitlin whips her head to look at him. Disgust in her eyes. "Explain? Explain what exactly?" she growls. "How you cheated? How you continued to cheat? How you brought her into our home, into our bed? How you let the whole world know? How you let me know through a damn article instead of you?" she counts off on her fingers. Each question causing more tears to fall down her cheeks. She ends up biting her inner lip, to help control her hold on Frost as her voice rings in her mind.
Resentment. A new word.
Barry stands with his head hanging. Finding the floor a better place to look at instead of his wife's burning eyes. Somehow, his hands turn into fists while he tries to hold back his emotions. He knew this was coming. It was only a matter of time.
"I know keeping your identity and precious legacy safe is your main priority but THIS," her hands try to explain.
"WHAT THE HELL WAS I SUPPOSE TO DO?!" Barry finally snaps, his face red with anger. "She was going to write the damn article either way! I had to protect myself!" he huffs with frustration.
"At my expense," she breathes. His silence gives her his answer. Caitlin observes his demeanor, finding it hard to breathe. "I don't even know who you are anymore," she barely whispers.
Disappointment. A new word.
The statement shakes him to his core. He tries to control his breathing and rubs the back of his neck giving him time to find the words. "Cait... I'm sorry. I didn't- I shouldn't have yelled at you like that. Can we please just talk about this," he begs walking over to her.
"Get away from me!" she snaps but he ignores her, wrapping his arms around her. "Don't touch me!" she screams, hitting and pushing him. "I hate you! I hate you!" she repeatedly screams with each strike to his chest.
He takes every hit then grabs her wrist, holding her in place, to make her look into his eyes. "Caitlin I love you," he breathes with glass-like eyes.
Having heard enough, Frost finally takes control. Her brown lock turning platinum and her eyes becoming an icy blue. Instantly, Barry releases his hold, fumbling back at the realization that he is now face-to-face with the ice queen.
Struggle. A new word.
"What the hell Flash," her voice vibrates with venom.
"Frost," he gasps. "I need Caitlin. Please let me talk to Caitlin."
She wiggles her index finger. "I don't think so. You lost your privileges," she smirks as his face drops. Watching his Adam apple bobble, she takes it was her opportunity to speak on the matter at hand knowing Caitlin will take back over soon.
"You know Flash, I thought you were the one for us. Guess you proved us wrong, huh?" Silence. She scoffs, shaking her head, and paces the room. "What's funny is I warned Caity. I told her to be careful but, she didn't listen." Frost stops in front of a nightstand, looking at the frame wedding photo. The smile on her other self smiling back breaks her. She picks it up, "Such an innocent heart." Clutching the frame she throws it across the room; the glass shattering from the impact on the floor.
He flinches then before he knows it, Frost has him pinned with an ice knife to his throat. "Frost," he chokes. "Please, don't do this."
Her eyes glow brighter with anger, ready to release all of Caitlin's pain but she feels a pull - a sting. She is fighting to take back control. Frost lets out a grunt then drops the knife, releasing her hold and stepping back. "If it weren't for Caity, your ass would be mine for the taking. You better hope you won't be needing me in the field after this. I promise I won't be coming to your rescue Flash." she growls.
"And just so you know, Caitlin isn't naive. We feel and see the same things. The way you still look at Iris. The way you smile and flirt with the women you save as they fall for your damn charms," she snarls. "So much for being the only woman you love, huh?" she raises her eyebrows.
"Frost-"
"Don't!" she snaps before melting away as Caitlin takes control.
Disbelief. A new word.
They stand in silence on opposite sides of the room. Both waiting on the other to say something. The quiet makes the past whispers fill her mind causing Caitlin to break first. Tears stream, her voice barely audible, "why?"
Her voice snaps him out of his thoughts and looks at her with shame. He slowly walks over to her, cupping her wet cheek. "Cait, baby. I didn't know..."
"Don't give me that bull shit!" she cries, pushing his hand away and turning her back to him.
Unbeknownst to them, a set of small feet starts to creep down the hall. A taller figure stops the child, holding him back and signaling the kid to stay quiet.
"Nate," the voice whispers. "What are you doing?"
"I heard yelling," the child whines. "What's going on with mommy and daddy, Henry?"
He sighs heavily then kneels in front of his younger brother. "It's... it's nothing, Nate. Just go back to your room. Everything is fine."
"I want mommy," he cries, clutching a blanket in his hand.
"Mommy is busy. Why don't you go wait in Crystal's room, okay? And take Nat with you so she's not alone." Henry bargains.
Nate sighs in compliance and disappears into the dark hallway. Henry goes back to leaning against the wall, hearing the voices behind his parents' bedroom door. A slight tear staining his cheek with each passing word through the wood.
"Caitlin," he cries, moving in front of her. "Those other women meant nothing to me. Iris doesn't mean anything to me anymore."
"And Linda?" she hiccups, gripping her crossed arms. "What did she mean to you? Because she obviously means more than I do."
He shakes his head, grasping her shoulders, "She was a mistake that is it."
She scoffs, flinging her arms to remove his hold. Her tears blind her eyesight, "A mistake you made six times..."
Worthless. A new word.
Watching her walk away from him to her bedside tears him up. He stands awestruck. His throat dry. His heart-shattering. He can't find the right words to fix her.
She is hunch over, the comforter tight in her grasp. Her lungs compress. Her heart accelerating. Her eyes saturated with tears. She can't hold it back any longer.
The tension in the room builds on the sound of her cries filling their ears. Their worlds falling apart. She can't take it anymore. The words are all building up and taking control of her. She didn't want Frost to make a reappearance, but judging by her interaction with Barry, she isn't coming back. The pain is too much.
Broken. A new word.
Pieces of the shattered frame, shine in her peripheral vision. Looking over, she blinks at the broken glass and slowly walks over to pick the photo up. The smiling faces now a lie. She wants to rip it. To release all the pain on this picture. However, the candle burning on the dresser catches her attention. Brushing past Barry, she walks over to it as he watches her every movement.
His eyes widen and his face drops, connecting the dots. "Cait, I... I didn't..." he sighs. "I'm so sorry" he stresses. "Just please don't do what I know you are thinking."
She is silent watching the flame flicker. She glances at the picture as tears fall onto it, biting her lip. A heavy sigh leaves her nostrils, but before anything, she sees her reflection in the mirror. Looking into her own eyes for answers, but coming up empty-handed.
Lost. A new word
"Cait, please we can get through this," he reasons, walking over by her side. "I can't... I can't lose you," he breathes taking a hold of her empty hand.
She looks at their hands then into his eyes, "You broke me, Barry. And like I said before, 'some things you break can't be put back together'," she snaps with a crack voice, pulling her hand back and pushing him to the ground.
He looks up at her, shaking his head with the tears falling down. "No baby, please," he cries. "Don't do this."
"You did this!" she snaps. "You cheated! You lied! You broke me!" she screams, her voice becoming frail. She takes a moment, slipping her wedding ring off and throwing it at him. "You threw it all away! Now you get to watch it all burn..." she spits, holding the photo above the flame to catch.
Emptiness. Repeat.
Holding the ring in his hand, he shakes his head in fear. He looks and watches in horror as their wedding picture cripples into ash in her hand. "Caitlin, please. What about our family? What about our kids?" he adds, begging on his knees.
"Don't! Don't pretend to give a damn about them," she snarls. "You caused all this. You will be the one to explain all the pain and embarrassment you put their mother through," she cries. "Because we are left to pick up the pieces from your mistakes."
Before Barry can reply, the sound of retreating footsteps in the hall freezes both of them. The look of horror reflecting off both of them. She races to the door to only have him try to stop her. Wrapping her instantly close to his chest.
"I know I don't deserve you Caitlin, but please... for them, for us. Let me please fix this. I can't lose you, baby, please!" he cries into her hair, tightening his hold. "Please..." he begs, burying his face into the crock of her neck.
It feels so comforting. It feels safe. It feels right. She feels herself falling for his words and comfort. It seems so easy to forgive and forget in this precious moment. She can't lie to herself. She doesn't want to lose him. Then she feels it - the sting, the pain, the anger... All the words storming back into her heart.
Dignity. A new word.
Her hands snake up his chest and with all the strength she can muster, pushes him away. "If you thought you were mine, you are sadly mistaken."
"Cait-" his voice cracks.
"Don't!" she screams. "You forfeit all the rights to my heart and a place in our bed. You will sleep anywhere but here. Now get out," she demands pointing for the exit.
He looks at her one last, trying to memorize her every feature. He knows once he walks out that door, she is no longer his. He licks his lips before nodding his head in defeat. He dares steps forward, placing a quick kiss on her temple.
"I won't give up on you. You are my heart," he adds, whispering in her ear. He glances into her eyes. "I love you, Dr. Caitlin Snow-Allen and nothing will change that," his tears making a reappearance.
Her breath stocks. Their bedroom door opens revealing their four-year-old twins. Tears evident in their small eyes as they hold each other's hands. The parents, statues, not sure what to do next. The twins run to a parent, gripping their legs for dear life.
"Please, no more mommy," Nate cries as his sister echoes the same wish to their father. "Please, no more daddy."
Barry bites back his tears. He looks back at his wife, pleading. She shakes her head and he knows what he has to do. "Nat, daddy has to go now. I need you to let go."
"No!" she whales, tightening her tiny grip. "Just tell mommy you're sorry! Please don't go!"
Caitlin muffles her cries as the heartbreaking scene unfolds in front of her. He looks over at her then back to his daughter, knowing he is breaking both of their hearts. He kneels down, taking her in his arms to give her one last hug.
"Listen to your mother, please" he stresses then kisses her hair. He places her down and flashes out of the room.
"DADDY!" the little girl screams and starts to run out the door.
Caitlin starts to take off after her but sees her firstborn stopping Nat in place. A weak smile on her face, she collects her from his arms. Henry immediately wraps his arms around his mother. A tug at her leg reminds her of Nate's presence and sweetly rubs his back in comfort with her free hand, holding him close. Then an additional set of arms wrap around Caitlin, revealing her other daughter - Crystal. All the siblings clinging to their mother as the pain, heartache, and sorrow set in.
Wound. A new word.
Scar. A new word.
She loves her husband. She loves the family they created together. He will always be a part of her. Maybe... Just maybe. With time she can let him back into her heart.
Until then she needs to let it all burn...
To Be Continued.