Inspired by the song 'It's Quiet Uptown' from Hamilton

This is a continued part of 'Letting it Burn'

[Three Years Later]

"No... no, no, no. This can't be happening again!"

The morning light sneaks past the semi-closed curtains trying to wake Barry from his slumber. He groans, squeezing his eyes tighter to remain asleep. As the rays intensify, he shifts his position to hide from the glare to fall hard on the cold ground. He grunts in pain before looking up at the couch he has called bed for a month now.

Tears slowly build up in eyes, remembering the recurring nightmare. The screams. The tears. The shame and guilt. All the events of the past couple of months refill his mind causing a heavy sigh to escape his lips. He leans his head back to look at the ceiling to find answers, but he comes up empty. With a shake of his head, he lifts himself from the ground to lay back on the couch. He places his arm across his forehead - thinking, mourning.

The sound of footsteps breaks him away from his mind. Looking over he catches the sight of his youngest child, now seven-years-old, finding her way into the new kitchen. A half-smile fills his features as the child independently makes herself a meal. He sits up further as the child struggles to open a box labeled 'bowls, plates, and cups'.

"Need some help Nat?" his voice mumbles, startling the little girl.

A hand over her heart, with her eyes wide open. "I'm sorry daddy. I didn't mean to wake you. I was just trying to make some cereal. I was hungry and mommy is still sleeping," she rambles.

He chuckles, shaking his head. "It's okay my sweet girl, I was up already." His smile falls a bit, thinking of Caitlin. "You checked on mommy?"

Nat nods her head. "I'm worried about her. She hasn't been the same since -"

"I know baby," Barry interrupts then pulls her into a hug. Her arms quickly tighten, holding onto him for dear life. He kisses the top of her head. "Mommy just needs some time, that's all."

She buries her head into his chest before looking up into her father's eyes. "Are you going to leave once she's had enough time?"

His heart breaks instantly. Seeing the pain and struggle in her little eyes does him in. He kneels down to her height, taking her hands in his. "I know it's been hard the past few years and the last couple of months even more so. But, daddy will never leave you," he stresses the last few words. "If I'm not with you physically, I will always be in your heart," he adds with a smile.

"It's not the same," she whines. "I want you and mommy together like before. Why can't you just stay here," she cries.

He licks his lips. "It's complicated Nat. However, I am here now and that is all that matters."

"Until you're not," she adds, stepping away from her father's grasp. She turns on her heels and dashes for the stairs.

"Nat! Natalie!" he calls out, quick to his feet.

The little girl ignores his calls as tears run down her face. "I want my mommy!" she yells at him before disappearing from his view.

"I want my mom... Dad, I need mom, please..."

Tears brim the edge of his eyes as another flashback of his nightmare races through his mind. He bites on his lip to hold the pain in. So vivid. Too real. Leaning his head back, he sighs debating with his thoughts before the sound of stairs creaking. His head snaps to look over at the sound.

"Nat?" he calls out.

"Wrong daughter," the voice sharp.

His stance tenses, looking at his oldest daughter with her arms crossed across her chest. She looks just like her mother while her eyes are a reflection of his. He rubs the back of his neck to buy him some time to figure out a response. Almost like he got caught stealing cookies from the cookie jar.

"What are you doing here anyway? I thought would be at grandpa Joe's," she adds, crossing the floor to the fridge.

"I'm here to help your mother out with the new move -"

She scoffs, grabbing the jug of milk. "Yeah because you are such a big help for her," her voice saturated in sarcasm.

"Watch your tone young lady," he snaps. "I'm still your father and you will respect me as so."

She looks him over with an arched eyebrow. "You lost my respect the day you left us," she growls. "You made a choice that hurt this family, especially mom. You can't expect me to welcome you back with open arms after everything we have been through."

He runs his fingers through his hair in frustration. "I'm not expecting a warm greeting. I'm here to help our family get through a very hard time," he firmly states, standing his ground.

"Too late for that don't you think," she adds before disappearing up the stairs.

"I don't need nor want your help! You've done enough!"

Barry groans in frustration, slamming his hands on the kitchen island. He wants to scream. He wants to yell. He wants to break something. He wants to let go. In a blink, he flashes around the empty kitchen unpacking boxes and putting things where they need to be. Before he knows it, the first floor of the new loft is finished with a pile of broken-down boxes and newspapers in a corner.

He looks to his place on the couch, quickly folds the blankets, and puts them away to remove any trace he was there. He looks down at his watch to check the time then looks over to the empty stairs for any sign of someone coming down. With silence as his answer, he gives in to leaving the place to clear his mind. He writes a note, leaving it for Caitlin to find, if she ever comes down, giving a half-smile. He stops at the door, looking back.

"I love you all," he whispers before slipping out.

"I need to help him. I need to fix this."

The cool autumn breeze tickles him as he tightens his jacket for some warmth. The leaves paint the street and sidewalk with various orange, brown, and red colors. He smiles at the sight, taking in the scene as he walks alone. His feet guide him, no longer trying to be in control, with his hands stuffed into his pockets listening to the sound of the leaves crunching with each step. It is all so enjoyable until he notices the stares.

The looks of pity from strangers he passes by. He rolls his eyes and tries his best to ignore them. He knows the news that was sent out for the world to know - he didn't like it. Not after what happened three years ago when all their stares were filled with anger. The world doesn't have any right to know what his family is going through, yet she keeps putting their business out there.

"When will you learn Linda," he harshly whispers under his breath to himself. "This is all your fault," he adds kicking some invisible dirt before continuing his walk.

Seconds turn to minutes and minutes turn to hours before he realizes where his feet are leading him. It hits him like a ton of bricks staring at the tombstones. His throat clenches, his eyes begin to water, and his knees give out. He rereads the names, stopping at the newest tombstone.

Nora Allen, Henry Allen, Henry Thomas Snow-Allen

"I'm so sorry son," he sobs. He places his hands on the ground for some support as the air becomes too thin to breathe. "I... I failed you. This... this is all my fault... If I..." he chokes, "If I had been a better father... this wouldn't have happened. I'm sorry... I'm so so so sorry."

Tears fall down his cheeks with each word. A pang to his heart as his mind relives more moments from the tragic day.

"Dad... I tried..."

"HENRY!"

"Not my baby. Not my son. No, no, no no!"

"This is all your fault! He wouldn't have been out there if it wasn't for you."

"Henry, I'm sorry my boy."

"I love you, dad..."

"It should have been me," Barry breathes as the weight lifts from his lungs. "I should have been me, Henry. This was all my fault. You did not deserve to pay the price for my mistakes. You should be the one here with your mother, brother, and sisters," he cries, wiping the tears from his face. "Oh, what I would give to trade places with you..."

"Ba- Barry?"

The small, angelic voice catches his attention. He snaps his head to look over his shoulder and his heart shatters at the sight before him. "C-Cait?"

She swallows the lump in her throat, replaying the words she heard Barry say. Frozen, she doesn't dare move while staring into his eyes.

He sees her internal struggle and with all his strength he shifts his eyes away from hers. It is then he notices the flowers in her hands. He looks back at the grave to see the now wilted petals on the sides of the tombstone. Looking back at her, he understands her reasoning for being here. This was her time to be alone with their son.

"I'm sorry, I- I was just walking and my feet led me here. I- I," he rumbles with his words. "I can leave," he adds slowly standing up, wiping away the loose dirt and grass on his pants. "I was just... um, talking to... yeah. I'm sorry. I'll let you have your moment. Please don't mind me I was just leaving."

"Don't," she breathes.

"You.. you want me to stay?"

He notices how the words change her demeanor. Her loose stance becomes firm while her glassy eyes no longer show that sincerity. She swallows as if to wash away her need to look weak in front of him. "It's what Henry would want. For both his parents to visit him, together, in a way."

Nodding his head, she takes that as her opportunity to start changing the old flowers with new ones. Barry watches as she delicately handles the stems to fit just right. He slowly walks over, squatting next to her, "Mind if I help you?"

She is hesitant before slowly nodding her head and handing him a set of flowers. He gives her a half-smile and she nods to the gesture. When she finishes, she can't help stealing glances at Barry. Seeing him with a look of concentration, ensuring his work is perfect, causes a minor giggle to creep into her throat.

He looks over at her, a slight glint in his eyes with a small smile. "What? Am I doing it wrong?"

Her cheeks turn a slight shade of red, having caught his attention. Shaking her head, she clears her throat "No, sorry. It's nothing, just a tickle in my throat is all." She stands wiping the dust off her knees before walking over to the graves next to her. She smiles before placing a single rose on each one. "Take care of him for me, please," her voice a whisper, cracking, as a single tear slides down her cheek.

In awe, Barry finds himself using Flashtime to just hold onto this moment. To him, it is too precious, too heartbreaking yet heartwarming at the same time; he feels he has to stop time and just admire the moment. Admire the woman he married. Admire her strength. Admire her beauty. Admire her period.

At that moment, he finally takes in her whole appearance. He takes note of the bags under her eyes as well as the redness. He sees how smaller her figure is. How her shoulders are hunched compared to her normal straight posture. Her glowing skin fading. Her hair, longer and thinner. He did this. He is the source of all the pain and suffering she has had to endure over the last three years. He burned her out. No more.

He stands in front of her, cupping her face to unfreeze her. She blinks several times in confusion until taking in the scene. "Barry what are you doing?" she snaps, trying to push him away but he tightens his hold on her.

"I know I don't deserve you Cait, but hear me out... please," he begs.

Her eyes narrow, "You had to use Flashtime, didn't you... Unbelievable," she huffs.

"I have wasted enough of your time, Cait. Why waste more? I'm just asking for a chance. After everything is said and down and your mind is still made up I'll leave... for good."

She searches his eyes before slightly nodding. Her delicate hand grasps his wrist so her face could escape his hold. Hurt fills his eyes but quickly recovers with understanding. This is hard on both of them. They haven't really been alone like this since that night.

He swallows some pride before licking his lips, his way of buying time to figure out his next words carefully. With a deep breath, he dives right in.

"Cait, I screwed up. I hurt our family. I am the reason for all the pain and suffering that you and the children have endured." Each word becoming harder to say. His throat tightening and his eyes coating with fresh tears. "I will forever live with the guilt of cheating on you. Nothing will ever change that. But, the pain of being the reason our son... our boy," he crocks, as memories continue to fill his mind. "It was my fault he thought he had to take on the Flash legacy after my failures... It should have been me," he cries. His legs falter causing him to kneel as he grips Caitlin's legs, burying his face into them. "I'm so sorry Caitlin," he sobs then continues repeating, "It should have been me."

She stands, her mouth hanging slightly gape. Too soon her eyes glass over and her throat starts to tighten making it hard to breathe. "Barry I can't... I can't do this..." she shakes her head, cupping her mouth to hold back her cries. "It's too much," she croaks, feeling his grip loosen and stepping away from his grasp.

His hands slam to the ground for support as his mind spins. The swift movements drop the hold of time he had as the leaves continue to fall, the birds fly by singing, and Caitlin quick on her heels to walk away.

"Cait!" he calls out, his heartbreaking with each step. He needs her. She is his rock. She is his reason for living. He can't go another day without her. "I know there's no replacing what we lost and you need time," he speaks loudly, from his spot where she left him. He looks and sees her still, her head tilts slightly, showing she is listening to him. He lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding and smiles. "I'm not afraid to live without you, but without you, I can never truly live."

He wipes away some fallen tears, taking a deep breath, "These last three years being away from you... our family... Losing all that time and not being able to take any of it back. Losing you by my side. Losing our son," he croaks, standing from his spot to look back over at the tombstone. "He was your sunshine. He was my shadow," he slightly chuckles. "He should be here so he could put that beautiful smile on your face right now. The kids would be happier with him around. He deserves to be here," he pauses mumbling the next words under his breath. "Unlike me..."

"Don't say that," she breathes, looking over her shoulder. "I would be a total wreck if it was you in that grave." She stops to catch her breath, feeling her voice tremble to even imagine.

Barry shakes his head. "No, you wouldn't and I would deserve that." He bites his inner lip holding back his tears before taking one last glance, having his mind made up. "You deserve to be happy Cait. The least I can do is give you a timeline where the right person lays in this grave."

"Barry," she calls out in fear as he remains silent. "Barry Allen don't you dare! Do you hear me!" she cries stepping closer to him. "No one deserves to be in this grave. Not you. Not Henry. But that doesn't mean you go changing the timeline, you hear me?" She stares him down as he stares at the ground. There's a long silence before Caitlin finds the words to say next. "I can't lose you again..."

His head snaps up to finally look over at her. "Wha- what," he breathes, taking one step in her direction. "But I caused all this -"

"I forgive you," she breathes with a small smile and a single tear.

That was all he needed to hear to stop him in place. He strides over to her, engulfing her in his arms and colliding his lips with hers. When he doesn't feel her kiss back, he starts to pull away but her hand wraps around the back of his neck holding him in place. A smile takes over his face as he continues to kiss her passionately. When the need for air came, he continues kissing her face, a peck on each tear on her cheeks to wipe them away. While her thumb softly wipes his own away.

"I love you, Barry Allen," she whispers, playing the with ends of his hair. "I can't live another day without telling you... forgive me?"

He shakes his head, "There is nothing to forgive you for. This is all on me Cait," he whispers, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear. "I love you, Dr. Caitlin Snow,"

She buries her head into his chest, clinging to him tightly, and whispers, "Snow-Allen... I couldn't send the paper... not when a part of me was still holding on to you. Most especially when she," she rolls her eyes, "told me the true story."

"I love you, Dr. Caitlin Snow-Allen," he smiles then places a tender kiss on her forehead and tightens his grip around her.

The couple finds comfort in each other's arms as they stare at the graves before them. Tears shed remembering special moments with their son. Throughout they could feel his presence - his peace. When the night fills the sky, Barry leads Caitlin out of the cemetery as they walk home together - in peace.

Henry remains standing by his grave with a proud smile and a single tear. A delicate hand grips his shoulder, and he looks up with a smile.

"You ready to go now, my sweet grandboy," Nora Allen smiles with her husband beside her.

"Yeah... they will be okay, right grandma?" he asks with hopeful eyes.

"You bet, slugger," Henry Allen smiles. "Now it's time to go"

He looks back to see his parents in the distance with a smile. When he can't see them anymore, he turns his attention back to his grandparents. "I just had to make sure the ashes could be restored. They deserve to be together and finally be happy again. I will miss them all," he lets out with a heavy sigh.

Nora gives a soft smile of understanding, "It will be rough, but we will get through it together."

The young man smiles, giving a small nod, and taking her hand.

"I'm ready."

fin.