Editing is a bitch.
Poring through every word, checking my grammar – it's pure torture. Not that I couldn't ask someone else to do it for me but I've always been a prideful asshole. I know that my deadline is drawing near (spring vacation's about to end) and I'm not even halfway through what I want to – or have to – write. If I don't finish this on time, I might as well kiss grad school goodbye.
Who the hell would've thought I'd end up doing something like this? I've always thought I'd be a soldier/pilot for as long as I lived. But then again, I didn't exactly expect to live for as long as I have. I've always accepted the fact that I'd be blown to bits inside my Gundam somewhere.
I remember whenever I had to write up reports; Luna, Rey or Meyrin would edit them for me even if I snapped at them and told them to butt out. But since Meyrin and Luna are not here, and Rey is conveniently dead, it's all up to me.
Funny.
Not funny ha-ha or funny-weird, just funny. Because now, I can make jokes – no matter how lame – about my friend's death. Sure, it might come off as sarcastic and morbid jokes but at least they're jokes.
The beer is getting to me.
Scratch that.
The beers are getting to me. Yes, I'm drunk. Probably why I'm so talkative.
Anyway, editing is a bitch. But I'm sort of beginning to enjoy it. Because that's the only time I get to erase my mistakes and redo them all over again.
Unfortunately, that's not the case with life.
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Chapter Nine – Rewrite
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Life is the process of dying.
Death is constant.
Most people would question his desire to end the human race because it is, for lack of better term, evil. But it was written, that mankind would sooner or later face its own extinction. Why prolong the inevitable?
A 'friend', if he could call him that, even accused him of being bitter for not being entirely human.
Maybe. Maybe not.
If perhaps he was born under the normal circumstances of the world, maybe he wouldn't have ended up such a genocidal villain. Psychology theories dictated so. But apparently, fate fucked-up and had other plans.
If perhaps he believed in God, he would have lived his damned life contentedly – without questioning, without challenging God himself. But his kind was an abomination, the creation of a clone, the tampering of human life was a transgression of theological principles of the worst kind.
He hated the person who did this to him – the person who didn't give him the life that all human beings deserved to be born with. Sometimes, he wondered if he had a soul. Yes, he was the Coordinator replica of that man but it didn't mean that they shared the same soul now, did it? But then he remembers that he isn't human, so it would be entirely plausible that he didn't have a soul.
Did he want to be human?
He would be such a hypocrite if he answered negatively.
No matter how much he abhorred humanity, how much he saw them as evil, greedy beings; he still wanted to be human? Still, isn't that hypocrisy? Why did he want to become human, when they were such undesirable creatures? His answer, be it a yes or a no, would both be hypocritical.
People always want what they do not have.
Human nature dictates so. It is one of the reasons why they are so greedy.
Perhaps he wants to be human to prove that he was human as well.
Of course, there were times when he wished that he could go back, to redo everything, to rid himself of everything and to just live his life. But then, who would punish humanity for its sins? They were given chances, countless chances to change everything but they still chose to fight.
If he didn't push through his plans, history would repeat itself again and again.
And that bastard's clones would be born – decryogenized – over and over and over again. Which reminds him, that he still had Mendel Colony to take care of. If he failed – which would be an abomination in itself – he couldn't exactly have little Al or little Rau (or heaven-forbid, little Rey) clones running around now, could he? Call him a savior of clones everywhere.
But that was just sugar-coating everything. Perhaps he had already gone mad and the reason why he was doing these was because he wanted to see humans suffer. Perhaps, perhaps not. Who knows? An insane man never questions his sanity.
Either way, there was no turning back.
"Time's up. Ades, launch the Vesalius."
And that was how Rau Le Creuset gave way to the start of a war that would last for months to end and would lead to the death of countless lives – his included.
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Gilbert squinted, the bright light from outside blinding him temporarily. Having just given his reports to Representative Zala's secretary, he was on his way back to the research facilities. The whole Council was bustling with activity that it wasn't a surprise that the stern ZAFT co-founder was nowhere to be seen.
But of course, Gilbert knew better to assume that Zala might be mingling with the other politicians. Gilbert always knew better, after all. For one, Zala never mingled – he negotiated, he manipulated, he gave out orders; he never -mingled-. No, Zala was currently meeting up with one Rau Le Creuset to do some damage assessment, it would seem.
Gilbert felt his lips curl up in a rue smile. Trust Rau to do something so… impulsive. The attack on a neutral colony such as Heliopolis had its repercussions. Repercussions such as, say, ORB declaring war against the PLANTs. But Uzumi Nara Athha didn't have plans of doing so, it seemed, and Gilbert had to give the man credit for his strong ideals and beliefs.
But the theft of the Earth Alliance's five prototype suits could very well be something that would coerce the Earth Forces to retaliate. But then again, why would a neutral nation such as Heliopolis be housing those mobile suits? No matter the reasons, Gilbert was sure that this was exactly the kind of scenario that Rau was expecting to happen. The whole world was at risk of war; and it only took a slight push such as the Heliopolis incident to make war a reality, not just a risk. The slight push coming from the ever-enigmatic Commander of the elite Le Creuset Team.
The familiar black car that had been his for the past two years or so finally pulled over in front of him. The door automatically opened and just as he was about to climb in, he caught sight of familiar auburn hair that made him pause. There she was, looking every bit as she had since he had last seen her, standing near one of the fountains decorating the landscape. She didn't look like someone who had just given birth just a couple of months ago.
Talia had obviously seen him as well, judging from her seemingly frozen stature. She remained in that position for a moment, before giving him a small, somewhat awkward smile.
He gazed back stonily, gauging the expression on her face, waiting for the outline of her husband to materialize behind her. He was wrong, though; upon closer inspection, he noticed that she had changed. Subtle as it was, her features had matured somewhat. Sensing that she was just being friendly and that she wasn't with her husband, Gilbert let his features relax in an indulgent smile. And before he knew it, he was walking towards her.
He half-expected her to at least show some signs of panic, of not wanting to exchange pleasantries with him, but there was none. There was a surprised look on her face, but other than that, the smile had evolved into the familiar warm smile that he had so missed seeing for the past years.
He often wondered how they would act around each other after not seeing each other for so long. Their relationship had ended quite abruptly, but he couldn't say that there were bad feelings between them. Sure, he had not attended her wedding despite the polite invitation, but it was more out of respect for her then soon-to-be husband rather than bitterness on his part. But he would be lying if he said he didn't feel even a tad bit jealous at the idea of her standing in front of the altar with another man besides himself.
"Good morning," he greeted amiably, breaking the two or so years of silence between them.
Talia returned his greeting and for a moment, Gilbert believed that the happiness he saw in her eyes were real. They sat on a bench, just a few paces from where they stood. After they had both settled down, talk resumed; this time with Talia making the first move. "Just finished handing out a report?"
He responded with a nod. "And you? Meeting with a client?"
"Yes."
"Oh. I hope I'm not making you late or anything," he amended.
Talia smiled. "Not at all. I think the person that I am meeting may be too busy to even remember that he had previous engagements." She sighed in disbelief. "I never knew Rau could do something so reckless. How is Rey, by the way?"
"He's doing fine, by all standards. He's a smart boy."
Talia shook her head. "That's not what I meant."
"He's… coping."
"I see." Talia looked displeased by the very vague answer, but otherwise, said nothing else. "And you? How have you been doing?"
"I'm doing fine. Rau has left Rey in my care so you could say that I'm currently playing the role of a single father," Gilbert answered lightly. He mentally steeled himself for what he was about to ask next. He didn't want to, but doing so would be a sign that he had moved on – even though in fact, he wasn't sure if it happened or not. "How's David?"
The slight change in Talia's expression would have gone unnoticed by any other person, but Gilbert wasn't any other person. No matter what happened, they were friends first and foremost. "We're…doing fine." She swallowed hard before smiling.
Gilbert stared intently at her, before putting his hand on her shoulder – a sign of comfort. Blue-gray eyes were glistening with tears as Talia gave him a grateful look.
For a moment, it seemed as if that night in the amusement park never happened and everything was as it should have been. It was so easy to pretend that nothing changed between the two of them. And perhaps, maybe the lack of awkwardness and tension between them was a product of his own wishful thinking that they were still together. But no matter how hard he, or they, wished to turn back the time, the reality was that they walked different paths now. They had different obligations, responsibilities, and directions.
After that moment, they would go back to their lives, she would go back to her husband and son; he would go back to his research and plans. That moment would fade away into the past, just like their days together.
But before that happens, Gilbert decided to revel in the present and not think about the long gone past or the distant future.
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Light blue eyes stared unblinkingly at the wide TV screen – light blue eyes that belonged to what seemed to be a young male – not yet a man, but not quite a boy anymore. It wasn't unusual for someone his age to be so hooked to the contraption, but the fact that it was turned to the news and not on some cartoon channel was in itself a miracle of the age.
Rau Le Creuset was not a personality often seen on screen. Yes, he was well-known, but only to those who followed the political events religiously. He was an enigmatic person all throughout and no matter how long his list of achievements was; he still remained a mystery even to those he was working with and working for.
It didn't help that he refused to go out in public without his infamous mask.
The familiar smirk appeared on the commander's face. "No comment."
Rey rolled his eyes and turned off the TV. Just as expected. No matter how hard he studied the man, he couldn't even get past the usual sneers and smirks. There was a time when Rey could safely say that he knew the man, but that time had passed.
It was only after Rau had left him did he realize that he knew absolutely nothing about the man except for his mask fetish and his penchant for sneering. He wanted to know what kind of person Rau Le Creuset was, because knowing so might give him an idea on the reason why Rau left him in the first place.
Even after he had turned on the television, Rey still stared at it. The obvious frown on his face was reflected from the plasma screen. Normally, he would berate himself for such an uncharacteristic display of emotion but he was too occupied and upset to care.
It was in that position that Gilbert found him when he got home. As was typical of Gilbert, he raised an elegant eyebrow, but otherwise said nothing. He knew that the answers – or in this case, questions – would come. Eventually.
And he didn't even have to wait long for it.
"What is Rau doing?"
It was a good thing that Gilbert was an expert at reading other people's moods – even the usually stoic Rey's. If he wasn't, he wouldn't have detected the anger laced in those tones. Now that wasn't what you saw everyday. Rey getting angry at his 'savior'. Disappointed, he had seen; but never angry.
Gilbert took his usual position from behind his desk. "He's doing what he wants. But I guess what you really want to ask is why."
Rey refused to meet Gilbert's gaze and instead opted to stare at his hands. Gilbert was right, of course. Rey was a smart kid. That fact had been established quite clearly between the two of them ages ago.
As expected, the older of the two perceived his silence as a confirmation. "You cannot expect me to fathom how his mind works," Gilbert said smoothly.
But they both knew it was a lie.
'Why did you let him do it?' That was what Rey wanted to ask, in all truthfulness. But he didn't really want to offend Gilbert. Accusing someone who had practically taken you under his wing without so much as a complaint about the added finances was hardly the way to thank him.
Maybe that was also one of the reasons why he couldn't really bring himself to hate Rau completely for leaving him. And hadn't he decided long ago that he would trust Rau no matter what? But wasn't it Rau that had shoved aside that trust as if it was nothing?
"I'm sorry for my outburst," Rey apologized sincerely, though it was hard to tell, since his voice was back to its impassive self. He still refused to look Gilbert in the eye as he exited the room.
Something was being kept from him. He was sure of it. Something bigger than Rau's sudden dreams of seeing the whole world fight against each other. For one, it had to do with his unusual condition. But he couldn't very well ask his benefactors for the answers.
Rey sighed. Did he really want to find out? Maybe there was a reason why it was being kept from him, after all. He couldn't very well just erase his mind after the horrible truth had presented itself to him.
Horrible?
Was that how he saw it?
Wasn't truth supposed to be 'enlightening'?
Rey felt his chest tighten and his hands shook from where it lay clenched at his sides. He buried trembling hands into his pockets to search for the familiar feel of the box. It wasn't there. He took out his hands from the pocket and made the agonizing trek to his bedroom located in the second-floor of the house. The spasms were just too much to bear and before he passed out at the bottom of the stairs from the severe pain, only one thought flitted into his mind.
The truth had to be horrible, if it had anything to do with the pain he felt.
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When Gilbert saw Rey unconscious at the foot of the stairs, he did not panic. For one, Gilbert Dullindal never panicked. He picked the boy up and proceeded to put him on his bed. Rey was amazingly light for someone his size. But come to think of it, the boy had this frail quality surrounding him anyway.
He looked at Rey's sleeping form over steepled fingers. His meeting with Talia that morning just made him even more determined of what he was planning to do. He fought the urge to chuckle. Of course, his plans wouldn't be possible if Rau succeeded. It wouldn't be even needed anymore.
But having back-up plans never did hurt anybody.
Gilbert was still deep in his thoughts when Rey woke up. He automatically handed him the pill and a glass of water. After Rey had taken his medication, he finally managed to look at Gilbert straight in the eyes for the first time that day.
"I want to join the military."
The wooden chair creaked as Gilbert stood up wordlessly, as if he hadn't heard what was spoken. He made his way towards the door and opened it. But just before he closed it behind him, he turned back and flashed Rey an almost sympathetic, but understanding, smile.
Rey knew what it meant.
Think it over, first. Mistakes cannot be undone.
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Author's Notes: Well, this chapter's vocabulary is not eloquent at all. Hardly. I even put in the F-word. Oh, well. I blame it all on 'Shinn'. After all, he's the one writing this. :D And I apologize for the long (somewhat) break. What can I say? 'Shinn' had writer's block. To answer a common question: yes, the hysterical crying/laughing man in Rey's dream in the previous chapter was Rau.
When I started on this chapter, I was obsessed with Fullmetal Alchemist. So blame all those, anti-human and pro-villain sentiments on that show. And if you notice a change in vocabulary and writing style from me, blame it all on Artemis Fowl. I told you I adore criminals and those anti-hero characters, d'arvit.
THANK YOU to those who continue to support this little piece of fanfiction.
To those who reviewed in particular: koyuki-san, Blue moon wolf, Anonymous, MapleRose, and Taijiya. To my beta-reader who saw me through my – er, Shinn's – writer's block phase, Lia lostsmile. Oh, and to Anonymous, thanks for pointing out the Al Da Flaga thingy. :)