Disclaimer: Inuyasha characters © Rumiko Takahashi, chapter title from the song by Black Eyed peas
Chapter five - Anxiety
Her confusion was gaining a whole new level. Kagome was nearing a critical breaking point. She had but tossed and turned in her bed until the late hours in the morning and it felt like she had not slept at all. Sighing heavily she got up from her bed. She did all her usual morning rituals, those things she did every morning, but while she was doing them she felt somewhat disoriented.
This isn't me, she thought bitterly. This is only a shadow I have left behind... The real me is gone, buried under that cursed knot.
She gave breakfast to Shue, and then leafed the newspaper through while drinking tea. She ate a toast and after that took a quick shower. After the shower she dried her hair, dressed, brushed her hair and put on some make up in a desperate attempt to cover up her pale, tired, haunted face.
She pulled the curtain aside and leaned against the frame of the window. She needed someone to show her the path for she was completely lost. The nearly sleepless night really took its toll on her. But yet, it was not the worst. She had a head ache, again. It was now the third day in a row when she felt the throbbing pain in the back of her head. It felt as a sort of head ache one might get, when trying hard to recall an event one has long since forgotten. She felt as if something wasn't quite right. And yet, everything was fine, so fine... Except for Hojo.
Hojo was sweet and caring and truly loved her... He was doing well with his studies and with his job. So why... Why had Kagome been feeling so insecure around him lately? Insecure of her feelings towards him... Everything had been all right before –
Kagome frowned.
Yes, it was true... Everything had been fine, before starting to see these stupid dreams of herself in that weird world. Ever since she had seen the first of those dreams, she had felt this odd restlessness, a feeling of loosing something. A name or word that was about to be remembered but yet was too far away to recall. She had felt incomplete. And had headaches every other day. Everything had been fine, before meeting Hisakata-sama. After meeting him... And after constantly running in to him in the weirdest of places and occasions... It was his fault. All his fault...
No, it wasn't. It was those bloody dreams.
Kagome sighed. She would need aspirin before going to work today. It was only Tuesday, she had the whole week ahead of her. She didn't feel like going to work at all, but she couldn't help it, she had to.
Her pained look wandered back to the window, to examine the city. There were few clouds on the sky and in the east the sky was light. The sun was rising.
He watched how the red tint started to spread over the whole sky. He was not looking forward at all to the taiyoukai-meeting this evening. He should get everything prepared... What would they talk about, anyway? Nowadays there were no ongoing wars between the lands, the peace was very stable and since the taiyoukai had known each other for centuries and got along well, keeping up diplomatic relations with the other taiyoukais was rather needless a reason for holding a meeting. Nowadays, taiyoukai-meeting seemed to be held just for the sake of tradition and socialising. They were nearly the only ones left. The number of youkais had greatly decreased. Only the strongest had survived. It was the wars, the epidemic and the melancholy... Yes, the agony. Many of the youkais had got tired of living in this changing world, in the world where humans ruled over all other races.
It sickened him. Sometimes he thought of a death by his own sword, almost hoping for it. Nothing really was keeping him here anymore. Rin had matured, she was independent and well taken care of by her mate. He no longer was responsible of the lands that once had been his. Why linger in this cursed world anymore?
His pride. His pride was what kept him here, kept him living. This Sesshoumaru would not give up, no matter what, he would never let go. Giving up was admitting one's own weaknesses, and this Sesshoumaru is far from weak.
"Oh, it's so realistic!"
He turned his head and saw his secretary, staring admiringly at the painting he had been painting all night long.
"Rin, what are you doing here?" Why was she in his home, on such an early hour?
"Sorry, Sesshoumaru-sama. I came with Hitachi, to help you with the preparations."
"I see."
Rin watched as he turned back to face the window, leaving Rin to stare at his back.
"May I ask you one thing?"
"Go on."
"Why did you paint this? Why did you paint them?"
"I had to." The image had popped into his mind, constantly haunting him, refusing to leave him alone until it had been transferred to the canvas.
"Okay... Anyway, we should get on with the preparations already. Have you had any breakfast yet?"
"No."
"Then come on!" Rin dragged him along.
"Good morning."
Kayade gasped. "Oh no, NO!"
"What?" Kagome asked, frowning.
"Have you checked yourself from the mirror?" Kayade asked, staring at her.
Kagome didn't bother to answer. She sat heavily down on the bench.
"Are you all right? You look awful."
"Thanks," Kagome said dryly on a tired voice.
"Seriously! How much sleep did you get last night?"
"I don't know," Kagome answered, covering her face with her hands. "But I'd guess none, 'cause that's the way I feel."
"Shaere-san," Kayade called out. "You'd better come here now and see this."
"What is it now?" the owner of the restaurant came into the little staff-room, scrubbing a plate with a cloth.
Kayade walked over to Kagome, and gently pulled her hands away covering her face.
Shaere stared at her for awhile.
"What on Earth has happened to you, child?"
"Confusion and few nights with poor sleep," Kagome replied and tried to smile. It wasn't a big success.
"Go home."
"What?"
"You heard me. Go home."
"But I can't, I –"
"I'm your boss, Kagome. I'll order you and not the other way 'round. And I'm telling you to go home, maybe take a few days off as well. You need good long rest."
"But –"
"What use you would be anyway, stomping around here like only being half alive?"
She startled. The comparison had hit the spot. She humbly bent her head.
"Hai, Shaere-san."
Shaere nodded and left the room.
Kayade helped Kagome up.
"Don't worry about us. We'll handle this. Now it's time for you to worry about yourself."
Kagome smiled weakly.
"Thank you."
"Am I your friend or not?" she beamed.
Kagome grabbed her purse and left the little restaurant. She decided to stop by in a grocery store before going home. In this kind of situation she was in, she needed chocolate. Lots and lots of chocolate.
Rin was cooking in the kitchen, preparing dinner for the taiyoukai-meeting which would start after the sunset. The food was the only thing left to be prepared, and they had decided that for everybody's sake it would be best to let Rin take care of that.
The black-haired woman was happily humming to herself, she loved to be in the kitchen. She put the roast meet into the oven and then leaned against the kitchen counter, sighing happily. A moment later she shivered when she felt a long finger running down her spine, caressing her back. She turned her head to the side, her brown eyes meeting bright green ones. And then his lips were pressed against hers. The kiss was soft and tender, it was full of affection, full of his warm feelings for her. When the kiss was broken, she sighed again, feeling even happier than before. He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and held her close. She let her head fall to rest on his shoulder.
Sesshoumaru was sitting at the table, watching them, a bored look on his face. They loved each other. The word echoed oddly in his mind. Love. What good was it for, anyway? He allowed himself to be lost in his thoughts.
He was roughly brought back to Earth when he realised whom he had been thinking about the past minutes.
What is your problem, he growled to his demon self
Look at them. They are happy together.
Happiness is a feeling this Sesshoumaru does not need.
Maybe so. But this is not question of need, but a question of want.
Want?
Yes. I want a mate, the demon Sesshoumaru said calmly.
A mate? You got to be kidding. This Sesshoumaru needs no one.
True. But this is still not a question of need. I want a mate. And I want it to be her.
Why her?
Why not?
Because she is a human. And a miko, he grunted, disgusted of the thought
Those kinds of things do not matter to me.
Then why do you want her, precisely?
His demon self was quiet for a while. Then, it replied.
Because she has not changed.
Sesshoumaru frowned. What did he mean?
Rin pulled herself away from her mate.
"Take the roast out of the oven in 40 minutes."
"Where are you going?" Hitachi asked.
"I'll go and visit a friend of mine. Oh... We probably should let the other taiyoukais to know about the miko."
Hitachi nodded.
"I'll take the car," Rin said, searching for her keys.
"Fine. See you later, dear."
"Bye!"
The door closed.
Hitachi glanced Sesshoumaru, only to find out that his cold amber eyes were staring at him. The cat youkai shifted, feeling a little uncomfortable.
"What?"
"I want you to keep your mouth shut."
"Excuse me?"
"I don't know from whom you did hear about my little... 'pizza incident'. But tonight, you had better keep quiet about that."
Hitachi swallowed his chuckle.
"Sure, Sesshoumaru-sama," he replied. Though, Kouga would without a doubt bring that exact incident up the moment he'd arrive. Hitachi almost pitied Sesshoumaru. Almost. He thought it was just good for his pride to get cracked every now and then. Maybe he would learn to be a little more humble. And maybe tomorrow they would wake up and see a day when finally the world peace would come.
Rin was standing behind a door. This had to be the right one, this was the address Yuka had given to her when she had asked it. She didn't even know what she was doing here. She had met her only once in this time, she didn't know her. And yet, she felt as if she just had to see her again. Random, already faded memories of the gentle miko, so sweet, so pure, ran in her mind. Trying to help her, ready to fight against the demons to save their lives. Something about her fascinated Rin. Something that made Rin to want see her, spend time with her, get to know her. She raised her hand and knocked the door.
There was no answer.
Maybe she was at work? She wasn't at home after all.
Rin pressed her ear to the door. A muffled whimper reached her ear.
She was home. And something was wrong. Rin frowned. She opened the door and stepped in.
Whatever she had been expecting, the sight that met her was far beyond her imagination. Kagome was sitting on her sofa, wrapped up in a blanket, staring at the plainness of wall, apparently without really seeing anything. Absentmindedly she ate pieces of chocolate and silent tears were rolling down her cheeks.
"Oh my! Kagome-nee-chan, what's wrong?"
Kagome startled and turned to look at Rin. She had not heard her to come in.
Rin almost took a step back when she saw her eyes. They were dimmed, reddened by all the tears and held so much silent pain that her deep confusion was causing.
"I - I'm confused," Kagome replied and sniffed.
Rin walked over to her and sat down next to her.
"You want to tell me about it?"
Kagome stared at her worried face for awhile and sniffed again.
"I... I don't know what I'm feeling. I... I'm engaged with Hojo, a guy who has had a crush on me since junior high. And well, ever since the proposal I've felt a bit insecure and awkward around him and I don't know why."
"Do you love him?"
"I.. I don't know. I like him a lot but I don't know if it's really love that I'm feeling. All my feelings are so tangled, so messed up... They're like a huge messy knot inside my chest. I can't really tell what I'm feeling and it confuses me. It makes me go crazy. And then these stupid dreams can't leave me alone, they make me so frustrated."
"What dreams?"
"I dream of myself being in some kind of a weird world where I travel with kitsune-pup, dog-eared boy and two dark-haired persons, a woman and a man. It's just so weird. I think I even saw your boss in there once."
Rin paled. What had happened to her? She had hoped that Kagome would have remembered all. Rin wanted to know how it all had really ended. How come she had survived? How did the battle against Naraku truly go? What had driven Inuyasha to kill himself?
It seemed she did not remember. Not a thing. But how could she have forgotten? Obviously she still remembered something, for she was seeing her faded memories as her dreams... But what had happened to her?
"But the worst is the feeling after each of such a dream. It feels awful. My head hurts and I feel a bit nauseous. You know when you try to recall something, a name or a word, very hard, and you know it's somewhere near your grasp but you still can't grab it from your mind? That kind of feeling it is."
Rin wrapped her comforting arms around her slender form.
"Don't worry. It'll all be better when enough time given, honestly. And the dreams probably mean nothing serious. I mean, dreams are always weird. I think they're supposed to be like that."
Kagome sniffed.
"Thanks."
She couldn't understand herself. Why was she spilling out this all? Why was she telling Rin-chan about her feelings and confusion? Honestly, she barely even knew her... But maybe that was why. Maybe it was easier to tell about her feelings and worries to someone that did not know her all the way through.
"Oh, look at the time!" Rin said, as she saw what the clock on Kagome's wall showed. She would be late from the meeting.
"I'm so sorry, but I got to go."
"It's okay, really."
"I hope you'll get better soon. Don't let this take too much toll on you."
"Yeah," Kagome mumbled. "Bye, Rin-chan."
Rin waved happily and in one turn of the door she was gone.
She was on her way to the staircase when she suddenly stopped and turned around.
What the –?
A small two-tailed cat with her fur the colour of cream was sitting right behind Kagome's door.
She walked over to the cat.
"Now what is this?" She asked aloud, staring at the cat. The cat mewled softly back.
"Demon cat on Kagome-nee-chan's doorstep? Interesting." Rin bent down and picked the cat up. The moment the cat youkai was in her arms, she felt a short and sudden stinging pain on the side of her neck and she automatically raised her hand to squash the imaginary bug.
Save for that the bug had not been imagined.
"Huh?" Rin stared at the flattened flea-youkai who rested on her hand. "What are you?"
The flea ignored her question.
"You smell of a powerful cat demon, ningen."
"Uh yeah, most probably."
"And there's a familiar scent too..." The flea sniffed. "... Sesshoumaru-sama!"
"Huh? How do you know Sesshoumaru-sama?" Rin asked, frowning.
"You know where he is?"
"Uh, yeah..."
"Good! Girl, take me to him!"
"Who you think you are, ordering me around?"
"Please, girl. I have news for him."
"He'll get visitors today and..."
"Human girl, please. It's about the miko."
"You know what happened to Kagome-nee-chan?"
"Yes, now please, take me to him."
"Hai."
Rin walked over to her car, carrying both, the cat and the flea. Who was he? How did he know about what had happened to Kagome-nee-chan? How did he know Sesshoumaru-sama?
The flea had crossed his four arms over his chest and there was a frown on his forehead. Who that girl was? She was clearly a human. How could she be close to Sesshoumaru-sama? And another demon? And it seemed she knew Kagome-sama as well. How?
"Shoot... I'm late..."
"What is it, girl?"
"Enough with the girl-thing. I'm Rin."
"Rin?" The flea was silent for awhile, thinking. Then he squealed. "RIN! The little girl-Rin who followed Sesshoumaru-sama around?"
"The one and only."
"How come you're still alive?"
"I'm very evil and powerful dark miko and made an elixir of life so that I'll live forever," Rin replied with a serious face.
The flea wasn't buying it.
"Oh, fine... I'm the mate of the taiyoukai of the southern lands."
"Ooh... I see. Well, I'm glad to meet you, Rin-sama. I'm Myoga."
"Nice to meet you, Myoga-sama." Rin checked the clock again. "Shoot... We'll be late." she repeated.
"What is it?"
"Today's a taiyoukai-meeting, and we're late."
"Taiyoukai-meeting? Today? I'm lucky!"
"I guess. The others don't even know yet that Kagome-nee-chan is alive."
"Then we'll tell them. And I'll tell them what I've learned about the Inu tachi's end."
"Good. That's a story I want to hear." Rin smiled and concentrated in the driving.
The doorbell rang.
"Must be the first ones."
"But Rin is not back yet," Hitachi frowned.
"She will come," Sesshoumaru declared. "Go open the door."
Hitachi obeyed.
It was Kouga, and he was closely followed by the wolf princess Ayame, who seemed to be a bit uneasy.
Kouga had a wide grin on his face and gave Hitachi a bear hug.
Then the wolfprince turned to look at Sesshoumaru.
"Yo, it's the pizzaboy!"
He stopped. He glared. He growled.
Screw the universe, it was all over now. Kouga knew. That meant everyone knew. He only wondered about one thing. How the hell had the wolf found out?
His eyes started to redden as he kept on glaring daggers at Kouga. If a gaze could kill a person, Kouga would have died a thousand painful deaths during one quick beat of a heart.
Unfortunately, a gaze could not kill, even if it was the almighty cold dagger-glare of Sesshoumaru, and thus Kouga was left alive, still having the wide, slightly mocking grin on his face.