Disclaimer: I don't own HP. Not even a tad.

Losing Her Cool
by takefourmoments

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Just when it feels like I can't make it through.
She said it sure is nice to just be the woman with you.
-Kenny Chesney / The Woman With You.

-

Lily Evans had always just been a normal girl. Simple, plain…just Lily. She was always studious and smart, always the top of the class. She strived to be the best, not so that everyone would know her as such, but because it gave her a sense of worth; a sense of being. It made her feel as if she was somebody, as if she'd done something in the seven years she'd attended Hogwarts.

By the time she'd reached her last and final year at Hogwarts, She was the Head Girl-one of the most powerful people in the school, except for the teachers and, of course, the head boy. She then held a position that made all the time she'd spent struggling to be the best mean something more.

Lily felt as if she'd done something great, as if she was finally someone younger girls and boys could look up to and admire. And she truly believed that a few in the school did look at her in such a way.

Now, Lily wasn't all work, she had fun too. But, only because sometimes, she got a bit distracted. And there was only one person who could really distract her, who could really make her lose her cool.

During the middle of her year as Head Girl, Lily fell in love with the Head Boy, James Potter; the one person she had sworn she'd never like. But, she did like him, more than anything in the world.

And as she grew, so did the power James held over her, along her want to be the best she could be. She kept it up as she went to the ministry and became a worker there; she did everything that could be needed, helped with anything that could ever possibly use her assistance. Lily did an amazing job at trying her hand in everything…from pouring coffee for the head Auror, to going on Death Eater watches…to juggling balls for entertainment.

And even though she struggled, she loved it. She loved being pushed and made to do so much that she nearly emotionally broke down. Because in the end, she was rewarded - with success and pride.

But sometimes, our distractions get the best of us…and then even the toughest lose a bit of their sanity and completely explode. And on an early Sunday in November, three years after her year as Head Girl, Lily Evans, the one-woman wonder, completely lost her cool.

-

James Potter jumped clear out of his seat when the door to his small house was slammed. It was around six at night and he really wasn't expecting any visitors, especially ones who let themselves in with a bang. He checked his watch, making sure it was the time he thought it was and pulled his wand out of robes, holding it out like a weapon. He was an Auror and he was ready to fight back using any means.

But what means did you use when the girl of your dreams stood in your door-way, tears in her eyes and a bag clenched tightly in her fist. His wand instantly went back into his pocket and he moved quickly over to Lily, pulling her gently into his arms. "Lily, sweets, what's wrong?" James asked, brushing his hand along her hair.

"I brought you some groceries," she mumbled into his chest. "But the bag broke, so it doesn't really matter any more."

"Did the bag breaking…upset you?" James asked, pulling away to look at her. This was Lily, his Lily and she was…upset. That never happened. Lily Evans was always calm, cool, collected and perfect, unless, of course, he was with her. Then she was completely off base because of his good looks, charm and incredible wit, but that was a different story, because James hadn't seen Lily in a few days.

"No, well, yes- but no!" Lily sniffed again and stepped back out of his arms. "Here," she muttered, shoving the bag at his chest and then turning and walking back out the door. James stared at the space she'd so recently been in, then let his gaze move down to the bag, which was completely ripped down one side and utterly empty. He let out a small sigh, not really sure what was happening. Then he threw the bag over his head, and headed out after her.

She was now kneeling by the curb, collecting the many canned foods that must have fallen from her bag when she'd apparated. James watched her for a second, marveling at how incredibly small and sad she looked at that very moment, and then he slowly made his way down to help her carry the canned food up to the house. After Lily had filed all the food away, James watched on the side. She had stated that she should go, but James let out a laugh.

"I don't think you're going anywhere, my dear flower, but out to the porch, with me," Then he promptly grabbed her hand and began tugging her back to the porch, ignoring all protest and demands. He sat them both on the two-person swing, wrapping his arm around her.

"James-" Lily protest once more, only to have James quiet her with a small 'shush.' She did so, sending him a small glare. He scooted her closer, wrapping his arm around her and kissing her temple.

"Now, Lily Evans, I want you to pour your soul out to me, tell me what's making you so…well, emotional," James demanded, and then waited for a few seconds, knowing Lily was running it all through her mind. Probably figuring out what she wanted to tell him and what she wanted to keep to herself. But, he'd end up getting everything from her. He always did.

When she finally turned, curling herself into him and sliding her arms around his waist, he smiled and let out a satisfied laugh.

"James, I completely lost it today. I mean, completely. I blew up. I was just standing there and Mr. Turks asked me to go get him a mug of coffee. I'd been having the worst day, the absolute worst, and I just looked at him and then-" She paused and James watched as a deep grimace fell over her. "-Then I told him to go get his own bloody coffee, because if I went and got him another mug, I would show him just how else he could get it into his system," As she finished, her eyes were shut and her voice had gone quiet as she spoke, each word getting less coherent. By the last word, James' eyes had gone wide and he was staring down at her as if she'd grown another head.

And to be honest, she might as well have. Lily never blew up at anyone, she never…she never even yelled (well, okay, she yelled at him, but that was a completely different story.). She actually enjoyed getting coffee for Mr. Turk, she'd told him so and now…she was threatening him.

James lifted a hand to his mouth and Lily's eyes darted to him.

"James Potter, don't you dare laugh at me or so help me I'll-" Lily's threat was cut off when James' laughter seeped out at a loud and full volume, and Lily reached up and swatted him in the back of the head, anger in her eyes.

"It's not funny, James," she snapped. "It's terrible, completely and utterly terrible. I yelled at the boss and told him to put the coffee…" her voice drifted off into a sigh, James still laughing loudly.

"Sorry, sorry," he muttered as he wiped his eyes, the laughter going away slowly, but the grin he held staying. "I mean, Lily, what could I do but laugh?" He let out another small one. "If it had been me, and I'd said that-" He stopped, shook his head. "Bad example, threatening the boss is something I do any day."

"Right, it's something you do. Which I believe is why Mr. Turks felt my head, asked if I was okay and then if I would like to go home for the night. I took him up on the offer. Oh, James, I don't know what to do anything more, I'm tired, really, really tired," she whispered, sighing lightly again.

"Well, after you tell me what made you say that to Mr. Turks, I'll take you into my bed and you can-"

"No, no, James…" Lily sat up and looked at him, her eyes sad. "I'm tired, worn out…sick of working. And I'm so stressed." She shut her eyes and sighed once again; James watched her with a thoughtful expression. "I mean, there's nothing I've stopped doing. I get coffee for people, I go on Death Eater hunts, I baby-sit the little kids when they come in," An odd expression came to her face here, but James took no meaning to it. "I fix the silly Muggle copy machine when it's needed, I take everyone's wands to be repaired, I fight the bad guys, I pick up food for everyone before I come in, I go to meetings and act as the head of office when needed. The only thing that makes me feel like the old, free me is being with you-"

James grinned proudly, glad to make her feel free.

"-and I used to do this all without complaint, I was happy. And now, today, I'm losing my mind. James…why am I doing all those things? Why am I the one lugging the mail cart around? Why am I the one reading up on the current events for the girl that comes in once a week? Why am I-"

"Because, Lily darling, you love it," James told her, his voice soothing as he could make it. He brushed his hand over her cheek and her words cut off as she let herself go back into his arms. "And I think you still do. I just think you're…bored," he declared, not having any idea what he was saying, but grinned when Lily laughed.

"No, I don't think that's it," she told him, tightening her grip on him briefly. "I just think I've taken a look at my life and realized that this wasn't what I expected for myself. I expected to be an Auror, a real one. Like your parents were and…" she shook her head. "Now, I'm just the lobby girl, the pleaser…the one who would do anything for anyone."

"Of course you are. That's just you, but Lily, you are an Auror. You go on missions and fight the bad guys-you said it yourself."

"I know, but when I go, they always tell me to stay behind. So what if I'm a new and agree to everything?" She grumbled, burying her head in his chest.

"You know…you're acting really odd right now," he told her, brushing his hand down her hair again.

"I know, I know." Lily mumbled into his shirt, making him grin slightly. He hated seeing her upset, but she was so cute when she was vulnerable, that James couldn't help but like being able to feel protective of her. "I'm just…having a really bad day."

"Oh really? Why's that?"

"Just found out a bit of…a bit of news," she mumbled, sitting up again, her cheeks a light red color. James' smile slipped away.

"What kind of news?" He asked, figuring he should have known there was a reason Lily had snapped.

"Nothing big, I just…I'm just worrying about it to much. It's probably nothing."

"Sure it's something," James argued, cupping her chin and turning her head to face him. "What is it?"

"James-" Lily snapped, pulling her head from his hand and standing. "All my life, I've wanted everything I could get, something that could challenge me more. I wanted to have the best job, the best life. Then after I had that, I wanted to fall in love, start a family, grow old with someone. I had a plan for my life, you know? And now, reality comes jumping in and rubbing the life I don't have in my face!" She'd begun to pace in front of the swing sometime during this long, long complaint.

"Hey, now I happen to think the alternate to your plan is well enough. Sure, you fell in love a bit earlier then planned, but who can blame you?" James asked seriously, smiling reassuringly. "I don't see what else is wrong with your plan so far. Well, besides the work thing…" James mumbled, his voice drifting off lamely.

"Exactly. And then there's…there's you!" She threw her hands up in the air. "I'm going into a complete panic over something that is all your fault and you are just sitting there, grinning that stupid, stupid egotistical grin of yours and driving me nuts! And now that hand of yours is going into that bloody mess you call your hair, so you can mess it up because you think it looks cool-" Lily paused to take a breath. "well, let me tell you, it does not look cool, it looks anything but the sort. It looks childish and stupid and I hate that." She looked him dead in the eye, her glare full force.

James stared back at her, slightly shocked. He really wanted to know why all this had turned into a full-blown attack on him and his ways. None of her work problems were his fault, and he definitely hadn't told her to go and fall in love with him-alright, that was a lie, but she did need to take two steps back and calm herself down.

Although, it was a bit cute, her temper tantrum. And James really wished he had something to record this with.

"Alright, for starters, none of this is my fault, none. I mean Lily, honestly, I didn't exactly tell you to blow off today and go nut-so on everyone. What happened to 'being with me makes you free'? And back off the hand to the hair, it's a habit. A very unconscious one," James defended, giving her a serious look. "As for my grin-I didn't mean for it to be there, it slipped out of my grasp and onto my lips. But, I couldn't stop it, you're being much too cute."

Lily's glare intensified. "Don't you call me cute at a time like-"

"Remember Lils," James cut in. "Not the boyfriend's fault."

"Oh yes, it most definitely is. You put this in me! It's all your fault!" Lily accused, making James' next comment fall from his lips as he thought over her words.

"Erm…are you sure you've not completely lost your mind? Because I can't recall sticking anything in you," James told her, the grin flashing again. "Well, I can recall sticking something in you, but I can assure you that's not still in-"

"Oh, but it is!" Lily yelled in frustration. "You left a piece of that thing in me and now, now everything I had planned is going to go down the drain," she covered her face and James' hand went up to his hair. All right, he was a bit confused. She thought he'd left a piece of him inside her, (which he would have felt, that had to be painful) but that was impossible because he was completely and utterly whole. Unless…

A smile hit James quickly, one that had him standing and pulling Lily into a hug. "You're pregnant!" He told her, pulling away, kissing her and then hugging her again. "Great gods, you're pregnant and it's all my fault. You know, we should have some kind of party, maybe a ball, Sirius would love that…he's going to be really happy. We'll name him godfather, if that's all right. Oh, and we should definitely marry, soon, very soon." James rambled, his arms still tight around her. "And then we'll go on our honeymoon and do a little dance, then we'll return here and have…" He pulled her away, letting out a breath. "Lils, we're having a baby."

Only, his happiness didn't seem to be mutual because Lily's eyes had gone really wide and were filling with tears again. James stared at her oddly, and took a step back.

"I mean, of course, we'll only get married if you want, and Sirius doesn't have to be the godfather, I just thought it seemed like a good idea," James muttered, a low sinking feeling in his gut.

And she didn't say anything, she just stared at him, then looked down at the ground and burst into tears, her hands going back to her face to hide it from complete view. James' mouth fell open as he watched, not sure what to do. He really hoped this was just a short-term side affect of the pregnancy, because he wasn't sure he could endure this for nine months.

"Lily…umm…" James whispered, taking a step forward. Lily shook her head, then mopped at her eyes, looking up at him as if she hadn't just burst into tears." You okay?" he asked hesitantly. Lily nodded, shrugged, and then shook her head.

"I guess you see why I was so unnerved today. I found out this morning, it's not something I can miss, since my body is completely rebelling against me. And at first I was scared, so scared and then…" She shook her head. "Then it was like the happiest moment of my entire life. The thought of a baby, my baby. Your baby," she looked him in the eye. "And then I got scared again. I kept thinking that you might not be happy about the baby and that you might not be ready for it. That turned to you not wanting me anymore, and that really scared me."

"Lily, I waited 7 years to have you, and I told you once I got you that I'd never let go. That hasn't changed," James shook his head, reaching his hand out to brush a tear with his thumb. "I want the baby. I want you. That'll never change."

Lily shut her eyes, then took a step forward and was in his arms before the tears started again. James held her, and waited for a long minute as she soaked his shirt. He let out a relieved sigh, his large grin coming back.

"What do you think about James Harold Potter the second?"

Lily let out a teary laugh, and then promptly told him, "No."

-The End-

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