Chapter twenty four - Unwilling to stay, unable to leave

The stream of her tears ended but her sorrow did not lessen. In a time of mere hours she had lost everything. Everyone. Naraku was the reason for her pain; it was he who had killed everyone dear to her. But yet she blamed only herself. She couldn't help thinking that maybe she could have done something with her purifying powers or with the completed Shikon no tama. But what had she done?

Nothing.

Like a coward she had fled, clutching the precious jewel in her hand. She had run all the way back to the village and back to Kaede's house. There she had finally completed her task, completed the Shikon jewel. Then she had heard it. That all others were dead. That none was left alive. Save for her. And she mourned for her loss. And then...

Nothing. Blank. No memories anymore.

And now... Now she was here in her own time, in the shrine yard, helplessly pounding on Sesshoumaru's chest with her small fists. She felt the auras of the strong demons right next to her. The courtyard was crowded with people. What was going on?

Despite her struggling, Sesshoumaru held her in his arms, steady against his chest. His grip of her was firm but yet gentle. He was clearly not going to kill her, she would already be dead by now had that been the case.

"Se- Sesshoumaru," she whispered hoarsely.

His grip tightened and he bent to place a kiss on the top of her head.

"I'm sorry, dearest. I'm so sorry."

His voice was as she remembered it, soft and deep, but the words had changed quite a deal. What had happened?

"Why are you here? What has happened?"

Sesshoumaru shared a glance with Hitachi and Kouga. Those were difficult questions and they would have to be very careful with their answers.

"Perhaps it is better that we go inside," Kouga suggested.

"I'm mated with Sesshoumaru?!"

All the six taiyoukais in the room winced at her loud shriek.

"That's... That's absurd! When did that happen?"

"About half an hour ago," Abi answered dryly.

"I know you're upset, dear Kagome, but just try to calm down a bit," Kouga said gently.

"Sorry, Sesshoumaru, the deal's off. I want a divorce."

"Sorry honey, that's not going to happen," Ayame sighed, her face saddened.

"In fact you can't part with Sesshoumaru for a few weeks," Hitachi said in his quiet manner. "Your soul was united with his. You must stick with him until you're both used to it. You're bound to each other. You shall be together forever."

Kagome's knees gave in.

A white blur flashed across the little room and soon the others saw Sesshoumaru holding Kagome protectively in his arms.

"You should take her home," Abi advised. "Let her get used to things. Let her mourn."

Sesshoumaru nodded and carried her out of the room. After the door had been closed Kayade let out a long sigh.

"I pity them. Kagome must feel awful, but truth to be told... I'm more concerned of Sesshoumaru. I've... never seen him like this. So out of control of his emotions."

"True," Kouga agreed. "I thought for a while that he'd start whining like a pup. He looked so miserable."

"It's not fair," Rin said, drawing in a shaky breath. Her voice was watery and trembling. Silent tears were slowly rolling down the woman's face. "Both of them have already suffered so much. I just want them both to be happy… And they were! But this... this..." her voice broke and her shoulders lumped before she fell meekly against Hitachi's chest.

Tears were also sliding over Kayade's cheeks as the young wolf princess raised her head letting out a long lonely howl of sorrow.

Kagome did not utter a word. During the car-ride she had been staring out of the window. When they were back at home, she sat on the couch, her eyes blank, loneliness loss and agony written all over her face. The sight was so sad it made his heart ache. When the little creamy cat padded into the room, she broke down crying again. Sesshoumaru knew that the cat had once belonged to the taijiya and he understood that seeing the little demon brought back many painful memories. Sesshoumaru scooped the woman into his arms and carried her into the bedroom. He laid the sobbing woman gently down on the bed and pulled the covers over her. Before exiting the room he stopped, watching her. Then he sighed and walked out to the living room where he laid himself down on to couch, pulling the fire-cat close to him. Sesshoumaru closed his eyes, willing himself to sleep.

She slowly woke up. She didn't know the bed she had slept in, she couldn't recognise the room she was in... But the guy who was holding her tightly she did recognise.

"Sesshoumaru, let go," she cried out, struggling against his strong hold.

His golden eyes fluttered open. He blinked a few times and then let his grip of her fade. Kagome pulled away from him, covering herself with the sheet.

"I'm sorry," he said in a strangled voice. "I couldn't help it. The mating mark calls out to my demon blood."

"Mating mark?"

"Here," he whispered softly, brushing a small silver crescent moon on her right shoulder. "Just like this one here," he said, showing her the small azure tear drop shaped mark on his left shoulder.

"Why?"

"To note that our souls are bound to each other. My soul left that mark on you, your soul left this on me."

The vision blurred as the tears swelled up in her eyes. Ghastly the little gleaming pearls slid down her cheeks, falling down to the bed sheet.

Here she was, alone in her own time, in Sesshoumaru's bed, feeling like a prisoner. Her life was permanently and eternally united with Sesshoumaru. The death of all of her friends was a cold fact that weighed heavily in her heart, pulling her whole being down into the deep waters of melancholy. Why had this all happened? How had it all wound up like this?

Her sorrow was as deep as the sea, so dark and deep that she couldn't even see its surface. She knew there had to be a surface for it somewhere up there and subconsciously she also realised that she would have to pull herself out of these depths of her misery, all the way to the surface. She really didn't know what would be out there, on the other side. That's why she did not want to pull herself out of here. At least she knew what was down here. Here was safe. And she did not want to let go.

Being close to him didn't really help. Although she saw he had changed, she still could not trust him. And every time she saw that silver hair and those amber eyes she couldn't help but think what would Inuyasha do if he ever found out... And then she would remember that Inuyasha would do nothing since he had died five hundred years ago. After remembering that she would either start crying again, or then just dwell in her sorrow.

She couldn't stop thinking about him, not for a one moment. Her broken heart cried in its misery. She had loved him – she still loved him. All the moments spent with him, every memory no matter good or bad drowned her yet deeper into the endless sea of melancholy. He was no more. But she was. And she was now married with his older half brother.

If she had not been so tightly wrapped up in her own sadness, she would have been shocked to see Sesshoumaru's reaction to this all. The formerly cold, stoic and merciless demon lord she remembered was replaced with this saddened, suffering one. He treated her with gentleness and love. But she did not notice. She was so in deep in her own misery that she failed to see how miserable he was. Her melancholy was affecting him. His helplessness made him feel sad and frustrated and the fact that he wanted badly to help her, but could not, didn't exactly make him feel any better. In the mating ceremony two lives were forever united, two souls entwining and becoming one. But what to do when the other one of these souls was divided in two, the other part denying the bond?

It pained him to see Kagome's tears, to see her pull away from him and know that the fragile trust that had been there not too long ago was now gone – possibly for good. He knew she would have to move on, to let go of the painful memories, not to let her terrible loss keep her so tightly wrapped up in utter melancholy. She had seemingly lost her recent memories; they were smothered under the overwhelming misery of her miko-side. The Kagome who had trusted, loved him and willingly had agreed to be his mate was still there somewhere underneath. Unless she would let go of her sorrow, that side of her couldn't get out. But would she ever be able to move on? She was strong, he knew, but all she had experienced, all that sadness and all the losses, everything she had gone through was just simply too much for a human to take. Maybe even too much for a demon to take.

Sighing he got up from the bed, leaving her to sit on the bed alone as he walked into the kitchen to prepare their usual morning tea.

Kagome didn't want to have anything to do with Sesshoumaru, to be honest. She maybe could have borne the pain had she been alone... But with him constantly reminding her of the Sendoku Jidai... of Inuyasha...

Unfortunately she very soon personally found out that she had no choice but to stick with him. An important meeting occurred with a very busy client and Sesshoumaru had to go to his office. With an apology and a longing look he left, leaving her alone for the first time in whole five days.

However, the moment he was gone an odd restlessness started to cause a tumult in her soul. It signalled that something important was missing. A tugging, pulsing feeling was pulling her mind, telling her to go after him so that they could be together again so that she could be whole again. Clenching her teeth Kagome pushed the feeling roughly aside. For awhile she felt at peace.

But then the feeling returned, now stronger than before. She could not help herself. She had to get to him. Panic flooded into her mind but it dissolved at a sudden stab of pain. The mating mark on her right shoulder was burning. It felt as is without him she was choking. The burning pain made thinking hard as she gasped for air. Odd weakness flushed all over her. She knew she had to get to him no matter what...

'This is just great,' Kagome muttered sarcastically in her thoughts, 'I'm getting withdrawals for not being with Sesshoumaru.'

She grabbed her coat and the business card he had left in the case something would happen and she'd need the address to his office. The way was short and she soon saw the tall slender building of the Soraji corp.

She opened the glass doors and stepped in.

"Excuse me," she asked the young man sitting behind the high counter, "where can I find Sesshoumaru?"

The man looked at her oddly. Who did this crazy woman think she was, speaking of the great manager with such a careless familiarity?

"Hisakata-sama would probably be in his office, ma'am," he answered importantly, turning back to his computer screen.

Kagome clenched her teeth not to hiss aloud as the mating mark scorched her skin.

"And where would his office be," she spat out.

He nearly gasped aloud of such rudeness.

"Hisakata-sama won't be seeing anyone."

"Just tell me where the fucking office is," Kagome hissed. Her patience was very quickly draining down as the throbbing pain increased. She just had no time to deal with pompous asses.

The young man behind the counter gawked at her. Then he clamped his mouth close, lips forming one straight thin line.

"I'm afraid I will have to ask you to leave, ma'am," he said strictly.

Her heated glare made him gulp audibly.

"Sesshoumaru's. Office. Where?"

"Ma'am, if you refuse to leave I will have to call the security," he stated after bracing up all the remains of his courage.

"Jacob!" A short dark-haired man wearing glasses was walking towards the counter. He was carrying a briefcase and was clad in a neat black suit.

"Yes sir?"

"Is there a problem?" he inquired, watching the young man.

"Well yes sir, this rude woman here insist on wanting to see Hisakata-sama and – "

The man in suit turned his gaze to fuming Kagome. For awhile he studied the woman, then his eyes widened in recognition.

"Higurashi-san?"

Kagome frowned. How come this guy knew her name?

"So it is you," he stated cheerily. The young man behind the counter had dropped his jaw – again. "I suppose you don't remember me, I'm Takane Seyo, the vice-president of Soraji corp."

"Pleasure," Kagome said, inclining her head. "Might you want to tell me where Sesshoumaru's office is?"

"Why certainly! Allow me to escort you. This way."

They walked into the direction of the elevators, leaving behind a very stunned, young receptionist.

"Hello, Rin-san!"

"Takane-san," the secretary chirped, smiling brightly. Her smile turned into a surprised expression as she noticed the slender woman standing next to him.

"Kagome!" She got up from her chair and walked up to the miko. "How are you feeling?"

"I need to get to Sesshoumaru," Kagome managed to speak out. Her breathing was heavy and laboured. "Now."

Rin glanced at her just once and understood what was wrong right away. She was mated with a demon herself, she knew that the first few weeks were difficult to endure. Parting with your mate caused physical pain.

"Thank you, Takane-san, for bringing her here," Rin paused to flash the vice-president a quick smile.

"My pleasure," he exclaimed.

"Come," Rin said to Kagome, gently aiding her steps, walking them both to his door. Without knocking she opened it. She stood in the door way, urging Kagome to step in. As Sesshoumaru spotted her he was swiftly in front of her. A sad smile rose to Rin's lips as she watched the pair for awhile, before turning around and walking away from the scene pulling the door behind her closed.

'Might as well have lunch now,' she thought to herself. As she entered the lobby she noticed that the receptionist seemed a bit paler than usual.

"Hi Jacob-kun. Are you all right?"

"Hello, Rin-san. I'm fine. Uhm... Would you happen to know...? Hum... There was this young woman before, Takane-sama escorted her to see Hisakata-sama and..."

"Oh, you're talking about Kagome-chan," Rin replied, smiling. "She's Hisakata-sama's wife." Smiling for one more time Rin walked out of the building, heading to a café nearby.

Sesshoumaru raised his head from the paperwork as he heard the creak of the door. Spotting Kagome he vanished and in a flash was standing before her, pulling her into his tight embrace. He buried his nose into her raven hair, inhaling her scent. Being away from her had pained him more than he had been prepared for and he was ready to be roasted by her purifying powers, just to hold her in his arms. Distantly he registered Rin closing the door again after leaving the room, giving him privacy with his mate.

Kagome closed her eyes, snuggling her against his warmth. The pain ceased the moment he touched her, the burning pain replaced with calm contentment. For a very short while she forgot about everything and felt happy and safe in his arms.

Then she remembered it was Sesshoumaru embracing her, not Inuyasha.

She pulled away, spotting briefly the disappointment flashing in his golden eyes.

"Does that happen every time we part," Kagome asked hoarsely, her gaze everywhere but not on him.

"For some time, yes. As our souls get used to the binding, we can part for longer whiles."

"But never for good," she spoke out the words Sesshoumaru had not.

"Yes," he nodded gravely.

"Do you still have work to do?"

The demon lord gazed at his desk.

"No. Let's go home."

Kagome nodded, turning around and starting to walk towards the door.

"Oh, by the way your receptionist is as thick as a brick. Do something about him."

"That American lad, was he?"

"Sounded like one."

"As you wish, dear."

She was sitting on the couch, looking blankly at the wall before her.

He walked across the room and sat down next to her. For awhile he watched her form, registering the distant look in her eyes and the small tear that was rolling down her cheek, probably without her noticing it at all.

Feelings. How could the humans cope with them? They confused him deeply, after meeting her again after 500 years his feelings had started to rise to the surface, slipping from under his control... And he always was in control of himself.

Until now, at least. The little fragile miko had won over his heart, awaking feelings in him that no one before her had. He had learned to honour this woman and was proud that she was now his mate. Or he would be proud if only she were able to wake from her numb state. When the mating mark had started to burn, when she had come to him, Sesshoumaru saw that the pain had for a short while shaken her out of her melancholy. For that short while she was herself again. But then, the pain had vanished and she reduced back to that empty Kagome-shell.

After seeing her real self, if even for a blink of an eye, after holding her in his arms, after the short second during which everything had been all right and both of them had felt at ease with each other...

After all that it pained him even more to see Kagome like this. He wanted to touch her but did not dare; his heart broke every time she flinched away from him. She was right next to him but yet she could as well be back in the Sengoku Jidai, five hundred years out of his reach. She lingered in the past, not allowing herself to move on. He would have given anything he possessed, everything he possessed just to be able to help her let go. To make her see it all wasn't over. There was a chance to happiness. With him. But he needed her to allow him to help her, to show her, to love her. And at this state... He hated himself for being too weak to help her. He had not even offered his help to her.

He was scared.

If he offered his help... would she allow him to help her?

He was scared for he knew that if she would reject his help... If she would reject him...

Sesshoumaru was ready to give his life for this woman. He was ready to give up everything for his love for her because it was so great. If she would refuse his help... If she would refuse his love...

With a single word the miko was able to crush the strong taiyoukai completely. So great was the power she held over his heart and soul.

And she did not even know it.

Sesshoumaru let out a small sigh and extended his long finger, brushing away her tear drop. She flinched at his touch, pulling away from him. She blinked, the distant look in her eyes slowly fading away.

The pain in his chest was physical when he once again witnessed her to flinch and pull away under his touch.

It was then when he made his decision. This kind of state they were in now was draining them both. Slowly the pain and misery were bringing them closer and closer to the edge. Sooner or later, the sorrow would crush them both.

Wouldn't it be a better fate to be crushed swiftly and efficiently instead of a slow torture?

"Do you wish to talk about it," Sesshoumaru asked softly, his voice calm, covering his nervousness completely. The offer was out now. Was she going to accept it or reject it?

Kagome blinked. To talk about it?

"You can tell me if you wish to, Kagome-chan. Talking eases the pain and sadness. It's always better to tell someone than to keep it all bottled up inside."

Yes... She remembered that Sango had spoken those words long ago. Maybe she should not suffer it all alone in her silence. Maybe she should tell someone how she felt... She had mourned for one week now, for seven days had she done nothing but sitting and thinking, barely eating anything. Coming to think of it, she would have starved unless Sesshoumaru had urged her to eat. Talking about things would surely help. It had always helped with Sango. But Sango wasn't there to listen anymore. Instead it was Sesshoumaru this time, sitting by her side. Could she confess the deepest feelings of her heart to her previous enemy?

She heard his voice in her head. The image to go with the memory of the voice she could not find.

"I shall protect my mate. My own life I am willing to sacrifice, for her to gain a chance to live... I love this woman from all of my heart."

Sesshoumaru had been her enemy. In her memories he had tried to kill her. But what had happened between them after she had returned to her own time, having her miko blood sealed? What had changed the taiyoukai so?

He was no longer her enemy. Now he was her ally. In fact he was more than that.

Whether she liked it or not, she couldn't just be wrapped up in her own misery anymore. She was bound to Sesshoumaru and there was nothing she could do about it. It could not be undone. Kagome had two choices. She could both deny it, and let her sorrow swallow her up. Or she could acknowledge the situation and get used to it.

"I... I don't know where to start," she admitted hesitantly.

"How about from the beginning," he suggested. Gently Sesshoumaru laid his hand on her shoulder.

This time she did not flinch.

It was slow, but nevertheless a progress. She still didn't trust him, she still didn't love him and from time to time the waves of melancholy overwhelmed her, pulling her back into those depths. This moment was one of those. She stood idly in front of the window. Tears streamed down her face. It looked like she would be watching the city in front of her but he knew her eyes saw nothing. Nothing but long gone moments now only existing in her memories. He stepped into the room, leaving his watching post in the doorway. Immediately azure flames flared over her form.

"What do you want, demon," she bit out in a nonchalant voice. She turned her head a bit so he could see her side profile. Her eyes were flashing. Her blue eyes.

"It's been awhile since you last time showed up," he said warily.

A wry smile curled the corners of her lips.

"I decided to come out and greet you, darling," she said mockingly. "After all, we're mated, are we not?"

"How is she doing?"

"It's more confusing than before," the miko replied blankly. "At the moment it is as if Kagome's soul were divided in three."

"Three?" Sesshoumaru raised his eyebrow.

"One part of her is the one who loves you. One part is where her two sides have begun to unite. And then, there's me."

"What is happening," Sesshoumaru asked sharply.

"She's becoming one. But the process is slow. The woman who loves you and I will be together again, but it will take some time until the union shall be complete. Nowadays you can see the beginning of the union. She's in control. The woman who trusts you but does not trust you. The woman who forgot and yet can remember. The Kagome who never was a miko or a timetraveller and... me." She smirked.

"Does it bother you so much?"

"What," the miko asked.

"The mating."

"I hate demons," she retorted, narrowing her eyes.

"But you loved Inuyasha," he whispered quietly.

She flinched at that remark, glancing at him sharply. The expression she saw in his eyes made her let out a small involuntary gasp.

He bore the same pain as her.

"You really love her, don't you?"

"No," Sesshoumaru answered gravely as he took a step towards her.

Her icy sapphire eyes narrowed into slits, but she did not make a move away.

"I love all of you", he said hoarsely, closing in their distance.

Kagome's eyes widened at hearing that. She went so numb that she did not even struggle as he pulled her into his arms. The miko powers pitched but then settled down, azure flames vanishing. The miko closed her eyes.

"Thank you, Sesshoumaru... For setting me free."

She remained silent for awhile, and then her eyes fluttered open.

Their warm hazel depths locked with his golden gaze.

"Sesshoumaru," she breathed out softly, before wrapping her arms around his form. "I love you."

The taiyoukai squeezed her tighter against him.

They stood like that for awhile, until he noted that the hazel colour started to fade. Soon he was gazing down into a pair of eyes familiar to him since the day the seal broke. This was the one Kagome would become. This was the right one, the woman who trusted him and did not trust him. The woman who forgot and yet could remember. The woman who was a miko and was not. He looked into that peculiar pair of eyes, one was hazel, and the other was sapphire blue. Reluctantly he let go of her, knowing that she was not yet used to his touch. She did not yet seek his embrace.

May he be damned, but what he had said, was the truth. Sesshoumaru truly loved Kagome. All of her.