A/N: Hey and happy New Year everyone! I've been on my own little holiday hiatus, mostly due to a busy Christmas and then vacation with my girlfriend. But also because of lack of motivation. I'm finally getting back into writing and I hope to update All Eyes On Me and Chosen Family this week. But here is a post episode one shot based on Thursday's episode. Hope you approve!
Sleep In Heavenly Peace
"Hey."
Busy locking the door to her office, and with her back turned to the poorly lit and quiet squad room, Olivia jumps at the sound of Amanda's voice.
"Jesus." She whispers while turning around, holding a hand over her chest. "You scared me."
"Sorry." The blonde detective says, getting up from her chair, straightening the coat she put on an hour ago. "I wanted to wait for you. To check if you wanted to drive up to Rockland to see the kids?" She waits a beat to study the other woman's face, but when she doesn't get an immediate response, she continues. "I know it's late, and they're already asleep, but-"
"No." Olivia interrupts, her shoulders sinking down with a sigh, a tired smile taking form. "That's exactly what I want."
"Let's go." Amanda says softly, locking their arms as they move towards the elevator together.
She's been behind the wheel for less than five minutes when she looks over at the brunette, finding her to be asleep already. While she herself got a short, but much needed power nap in the break room after the precinct started to clear out earlier in the afternoon, Olivia has been running on little to no sleep for days, and it hits her then that literally everything about her looks tired; Her hair, the color of her skin, her entire body. The way her hands are resting in her lap, her head rested against the window.
And as a soothing rendition of "Silent Night" plays on the radio, and snow starts falling from the dark sky above, tears prickle the detective's eyes as she keeps glancing over at the woman next to her. Because she just wants to take it all away. Erase these stressful, godawful days from their memories, wrap Olivia in a blanket and just let her rest.
And she wants to tell her so many things. Reassure her that she's more than good enough. Tell her that she's worried about her. But for now, she lets her sleep. Knowing that the captain needs every single minute.
When she parks the car outside her parent's house however, she doesn't have much of a choice but to place a gentle hand on Olivia's shoulder, giving it a careful squeeze. "Liv." She whispers, before raising her voice slightly. "Liv, we're here."
"Wh-" The other woman blinks her eyes open, looking around for a few moments, clearly confused while taking in her surroundings. "Sorry-" She says, dragging a hand over her face. "Didn't realize I dozed off."
"Don't apologize." Amanda murmurs. "You needed it."
"Are you sure this is ok?" Olivia whispers when they lock themselves in, nothing but silence welcoming them. "What if we wake up your parents?"
"Not the first time I sneak in while they're asleep." The blonde jokes. "At least I'm sober this time." She catches the other woman's smile while hanging their coats in the dim hallway, partially lit up by a Christmas tree in the living room.
"Let's go check on the kids." She says, moving towards the stairs with careful steps, motioning for Olivia to follow her.
And there they are; Mason in the top bunk, Jesse underneath. Noah on a spare mattress, and Billie curled into a ball in her travel crib.
Watching them all together like this, clinging to their stuffed animals and blankets, fed and clean, Amanda wonders if this is her mother's way of making amends. If this is her way of making things right, more than forty years after her first attempt at motherhood. And if that's what this is, she thinks, then she'll take it. Albeit with her guard still up, knowing from experience that the bliss can evaporate at any time.
Olivia had been hesitant of this arrangement at first, because like she had said: "Four kids under ten? While taking care of your dad?"
But when Amanda asked her mother for the third time if Noah staying with them was ok, or too much, Beth Anne had insisted.
"Don't worry about that. We have enough food to feed the entire neighborhood, and I'm sure it'll be fun for Mason to have another boy around the house."
And while there are still some wounds that needs healing, some apologies she's still waiting to hear from her parents, at least she knows it's safe to leave her kids here when she's left with no other choice. After all, her father hasn't touched alcohol since leaving the hospital. And her mother doesn't use every single opportunity to berate or belittle her.
It's a start, she thinks, while feeling her body relax from the sight of her sleeping babies. All four of them.
"Do you think I'm a terrible mother?" The question effectively interrupts her thoughts, and forces her eyes to widen as she turns her head to look at the woman standing next to her in the doorway.
Knowing Olivia, it makes total sense that this is the one thought stuck in her head right now. It shouldn't surprise her, but it still does. Or maybe it's not the question itself, but more the vulnerability it's wrapped in. The vulnerability, and a heart shattering sense of sincerity. Like the brunette actually believes it. She's actually standing here, convincing herself that she is a bad mother.
"Liv-" Amanda says, nearly forgetting to keep her voice lowered.
"Ditching my kid on Christmas, to kill a guy?"
"Liv." The detective repeats. "You didn't ditch him, and you didn't kill a random guy. You killed a terrorist because you had to. You saved a lot of people."
"I know." Olivia nods slowly, chewing on her lip a few times, brown eyes locked on her sleeping son. "I just… I keep letting him down."
"You're not. And one day, when he's old enough, he won't just understand, he'll be so proud of you."
The captain falls silent then, like she's working hard to believe the other woman's words, like she just needs a moment to persuade her own brain to silence that unforgiving voice in the back of her head. "He does look pretty peaceful right now." She eventually says, smiling tiredly.
"Yeah." Amanda agrees, her voice soft and her eyes full of love while looking from her nephews to her two daughters. "They're perfect."
Nearly ten minutes have passed, when a long yawn from the captain pulls them both from their midnight trance. Reminding them that they've barely slept for three days.
"Ok, let's get some sleep." The blonde says, pointing towards the closed door next to the kid's room. "You take the guest room and I'll be on the couch downstairs if you need anything."
"No-" Olivia protests. "I can sleep on the couch."
"Liv, please don't fight me on this, you need to rest. Properly."
And that's when the captain carefully opens the door to the guest room, peering inside. "You know what?" She mumbles. "It's big enough for the both of us. Let's just go to bed."
"You're right." Amanda yawns, in no mood to continue their banter right now. "There's a bathroom down the hall if you need it, I'm just gonna head downstairs to leave a note for my mom, letting her know that we're here."
A sharp and almost comical squeal fills the otherwise silent kitchen when Amanda steps inside, turning on the lights and meeting her mother's eyes.
"Dear lord!" Beth Anne exclaims, clutching the bathrobe she's wearing. "Are you trying to give me a heart attack?"
"Sorry." Amanda whispers apologetically. "We just wanted to see the kids."
"We?" Her mother asks, raising an eyebrow.
"Liv is here."
"Oh." The other woman responds, looking towards the stairs, both eyebrows now raised.
"It's not like that." Amanda clarifies, tilting her head to meet her mother's eyes. Searching them to look for the expected hint of judgment, suspicion or disapproval. But she doesn't find it.
Instead, a sly smile takes form on the face in front of her. "But there is someone." Beth Anne says, lifting the cup of tea to her lips. "You're seeing someone."
"Wh-" Where did that come from, she wants to ask, but she's quickly interrupted.
"Don't even bother lying to me, Mandy. I know you're hiding something."
"Look." She says, trying to hide her own smirk, finding it strangely endearing that her mother can still notice these things, just like she did when Amanda started dating as a teenager. But this is neither the time nor place for that conversation. "I know you're probably exhausted after having all the kids here this weekend. We're going back to the city tomorrow morning."
"Nonsense." Beth Anne scoffs, adjusting her robe a little. "At least stay for breakfast."
"Maybe a coffee." She mumbles, before leaning in to place a quick kiss against her mother's cheek. Guard still high. "Good night."
She doesn't know how long she's been out when something that sounds a lot like choked and muffled sobs wakes her up. And at first she's confused, not knowing where the sound is coming from, needing a moment just to remind herself where she is. But that's when she turns her head, her eyes adjusting to the dark while slowly understanding what's going on.
Olivia, with her back turned to the blonde, is crying, clearly awake since she is trying to control the occasional sobs and sniffles.
"Liv." She murmurs, turning fully on her side. "What's going on?"
"Sorry." She hears from the other woman. "Didn't mean to wake you."
"That's ok." Amanda says, reaching out a hand to touch her, but letting it fall down between them instead. Suddenly worried about overstepping. "Wanna tell me what's wrong?" She asks, keeping her voice as soft and inviting as possible, hoping that Olivia won't shut her out.
For a long time, the brunette says nothing, the only sound in the room being a few sporadic sighs, like she's trying to control her own emotions before she can open her mouth to speak. But eventually, and inevitably, the break comes.
"I'm so tired." The captain admits through another sob, not doing anything to hold back her cries.
"Turn around." Amanda says, needing to see her face. "Talk to me." And much to her relief, Olivia turns around.
And she talks.
About everything and nothing. How she's been trying to keep it together, managing an entire unit through a pandemic, and balancing that with being a single mother. The shock of suddenly having Elliot back in her life and not knowing how to feel. How he invited her and Noah to his house for a Christmas get together, and she essentially turned it down because she still doesn't know if she can trust him.
She talks about her fight with Barba, and how she still feels like he betrayed her, how much she loves and misses him, but she doesn't know where to go from here because it feels like their friendship has been tainted.
She rants about McGrath, how much she misses Garland, and Kat. Adding them to the list of all the people who have left. Always the good ones.
And she tells her about Burton. Not just the short version, the easy version. But the intimate details as well, the parts of that story that still makes her cringe from shame. Shame she knows isn't really hers to carry, but that she carries nonetheless.
Amanda nods, and listens, giving a few sympathetic hums along the way, encouraging the other woman to continue, letting her know that she's safe here. That she's not being judged, that Amanda doesn't see her as weak.
"You had to go through so much this year." The blonde murmurs, reaching out to wipe away one of Olivia's final tears. "No wonder you're exhausted."
"It just never ends, you know?" The brunette whispers, using the back of her hand to dry her nose. "I feel like I'm so close to dropping the ball. Like I'm just waiting for the next disaster, or just a minor inconvenience to make me lose it."
"I know." Amanda says, giving her a crooked smile in the process. "But honestly… This actually makes me breathe a little easier."
"Why?"
"Because you need this." She responds, adjusting the covers a little so the light chill in the room won't get to them. "You need to just let it all out every once in a while. Everyone needs that."
"Yeah." Olivia shrugs, almost shyly. "But I don't like it."
"I know." The detective smiles. "I know you don't like it. But I won't tell anyone. And for what it's worth, I'm not going anywhere."
By the sound of Amanda's heartfelt words, the captain starts crying again, but it's a silent cry this time. One that looks like it's coming from a place of love and gratitude.
Out of nowhere, after spending a minute just looking at each other, Amanda gets the sudden urge to kiss her.
But not like she wanted to kiss her all those years ago, before her initial crush had faded away and transformed into a deep, and much more comfortable kind of love. A love that makes her value their friendship so much more than the physical relationship she was once secretly hoping for.
No, the urge to kiss her comes solely from the need to be as close as possible, to comfort her in every way she can. But, even if it was strictly platonic, her lips are reserved for someone else now, and so she settles for a kiss against Olivia's forehead instead, before pulling her in for an intimate hug that the brunette relaxes into.
"It's worth everything." Olivia mumbles after a while, her words barely audible.
"Hm?" Amanda asks.
"You." The captain clarifies. "Not going anywhere. It's worth everything. I love you."
She smiles then, sighing into the embrace, relaxing against the mattress. "Get some rest, Liv."
They might've missed actual Christmas with their kids, but they both find that the look on their faces the next morning more than makes up for it; Billie's squeal and her outstretched arms, Mason jumping down from the bed in pure excitement from seeing his aunt. Noah's tired and confused eyes that he keeps rubbing to make sure that he's not dreaming. And Jesse listing all the things Santa brought her, constantly tugging at Olivia's shirt to make sure she has her attention.
Even the breakfast with Amanda's parents, the one that the blonde secretly dreaded and initially wanted to avoid, turns out to be a surprisingly joyful, albeit chaotic event. And once again, her mother surprises her, pulling her aside when they're about to leave.
"Here." Beth Anne says, holding out two large bags containing unopened Christmas gifts. "I wanted to save a few, so you could get to see the look on your girls' faces when they open them. I know how much you missed them."
Almost at a loss for words, Amanda grabs the bags, mumbling a confused "thank you."
"Oh, don't thank me. It was your father's idea."
"Daddy?" She whispers, tears welling up in her eyes as she looks over her mother's shoulder, catching her father looking back at her from the living room.
"We're trying, Amanda." Beth Anne says then. "I know… I know things weren't always easy. But we're trying."
It's not an apology, and it's definitely an understatement. But it's something. And it's more than she had expected. It's a start, she thinks again.
"Merry Christmas, mama."
Except for Billie's many different spins on "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer", they've been driving in a comfortable silence for nearly twenty minutes when Olivia looks over at the blonde.
"So…" She starts, dragging the word out as if she's trying to weigh her own words. "What was Carisi up to this Christmas?"
"Hm?" Amanda responds, a little too high pitched, ignoring how her heart is suddenly pounding. Trying to sound like she didn't catch the loaded question, pretending like she hasn't been texting him regularly for three days now. Like her body isn't aching because she misses him so much. Like she wasn't busy kissing him goodbye when the job forced them apart on Christmas Eve.
"Carisi?" Olivia says, with a hint of suspicion in her voice. "Has he been spending the holidays on Staten Island, or?"
"Oh, uhm, yeah, probably." The blonde stumbles over her words before clearing her throat. "I forgot to ask." Liar, she thinks. You know exactly where he is, and what he's been up to. Down to every last detail, even the color of the socks he got from his brother in law.
But luckily, Olivia seems to accept her non answer, and Amanda breathes a quiet sigh of relief, just as her eldest daughter unknowingly decides to disturb the peace.
"He's with his mommy and daddy, mama. He told us, remember?"
"Yeah, right." Amanda says quickly, followed by a tight smile as she looks at her six year old in the mirror, her grip around the wheel tightening. Praying that Jesse won't reveal anything else.
But she's just six, after all.
"That night when you had the sleepover after we got the tree up. That's when he told us."
As soon as the words are out there, the brunette turns her head, looking at Jesse first before boring into Amanda with her widened eyes. "Wh-"
"Ok!" The blonde cuts in, quick to fumble with the radio. "Who wants to listen to some Christmas music?"
"Me!" Billie nearly shouts from the backseat, clearly oblivious to the awkward scene playing out in the front. And just before Olivia can ask another question, Mariah Carey comes to Amanda's rescue, at least for the time being.
"I just want you for my own" Mariah sings, and even though she knows a disclosure is imminent, she can't help but think that the song has a point. She just wants Carisi for her own, just a little while longer.
"Are you ok?" The brunette asks while handing the other woman a fresh cup of coffee before sinking down next to her on the couch, keeping her voice lowered so the kids can't hear them. "With Murphy being back in town?"
She looks at Jesse then, eyes softening. Her beautiful girl sitting cross-legged on the floor, next to Olivia's Christmas tree, helping her sister with her new puzzle. "Yeah." She smiles. Suddenly finding that she needed that short conversation with Jesse's father more than she initially thought. "I'm ok. We're ok."
For a moment, Olivia just sits there, watching Amanda watch Jesse. Thinking back to that moment when the blonde announced her first pregnancy. How vulnerable she looked, how lost she must've felt. Struck by how far she has come.
"I'm so proud of you." She hears herself say.
Those are not words she uses often or lightly, but sitting here now, feeling rested for the first time in days, getting through it all with the support of the woman sitting next to her, she finds that her words should've been spoken a long time ago. That this was way overdue.
She grins when she notices how Amanda shifts a little. Because just like Olivia isn't used to saying these words out loud, the other woman clearly isn't used to hearing them either.
"I'm proud of us." Amanda eventually replies, raising her mug to meet the captain's in a short clink.
Before any of them can say anything else, three kids are suddenly climbing on top of them; eager arms and legs moving around to get settled. A rush of "mom, look at this!", and "mama! Look what I got!" interrupting their conversation.
"I'm sorry Christmas didn't turn out like we had planned, Noah." Olivia says, running a hand through his curls.
"Did it help?" He asks, looking up at her.
"Hm?"
"When you had to work? Did you help anyone?"
"Yes." Amanda cuts in when she notices the confused and surprised look on the other woman's face. "She helped many people."
"Then it doesn't matter." Noah shrugs. "And when you think about it, it just made Christmas last longer."
"I-" The brunette starts, briefly taken aback by how mature her son sounds, suddenly wishing she had the ability to freeze time. "I guess you're right."
"Mo-om." He says, throwing his arms out. "I'm always right."
"Like mother, like son." Amanda snickers, rolling her eyes jokingly while pulling Billie closer, watching as Jesse snuggles up against Olivia on the sofa. And just then, when she thinks her heart can't get any fuller, her phone vibrates next to her.
"Can't wait to see you tonight." The text reads, and her heart swells yet again, her cheeks warm, and visibly red.
"Who was that?" The brunette asks, that suspicious expression from before suddenly making a comeback.
"Santa." Amanda teases, quick to type "I love you", before pressing send and putting her phone down.
"Santa?" Jesse asks, wide eyed. "You said Santa only comes once a year!"
Olivia isn't supposed to know yet, but of course she does. And maybe that's why it feels more than ok to burst out laughing, both of them catching Jesse's accidental joke, both of them finding it equally hilarious.
And after navigating a world filled with nothing but hate and resentment for three days, she finds that right now, there's no place she'd rather be; Surrounded by her kids, and her best friend, bent over laughing, knowing that in a few hours she'll fall asleep next to the love of her life.
"I'm happy." She had told Murphy.
So happy, she thinks now.
"Merry Christmas, Liv." She smiles, wiping away a tear from laughing too hard.
The brunette returns the smile immediately, hugging Noah tight against her. "Merry Christmas, Amanda."
…
A/N: This has to be the fluffiest thing I've ever written, which some of you know is a HUGE challenge for me since I'm a whore for angst and trauma. But at least I tried! And I really hope you liked it.