Al Bhed words used will often be self-explanatory (like in this chapter, they're both curse words), or written for the purpose so you don't understand it right away, say from someone else's perspective who doesn't know Al Bhed. But either way, except for the curse words, I will keep a glossary of the ones I use in my info page. And I'm sorry, I'm getting to the plot starting with this chapter.

-B

---

In These Walls

Displacement

Al Bhed.

Being an Al Bhed meant pain. It meant discrimination and abandonment. It meant homelessness and fear. It meant she had to be stronger than anyone else. She always considered herself one of those people that could survive anything, and she truly strived to be the strongest and at some point she thought she was. Then she met Yuna. Her cousin wasn't just strong, she was also selfless and absolutely devoted, something Rikku would never understand. Rikku, Al Bhed royalty and High Guardian.

Then Rikku slowly got to know her cousin. Yuna hadn't been strong like that always. She hadn't always wanted to defeat Sin, and she doubted herself all the time. It was when Yuna met Tidus that everything changed, and she felt more ready than ever to defeat Sin. Her strength stemmed from Rikku herself—Yuna had told her—and all the other guardians that would willingly give their life for her, but above all, it stemmed from the incredible emotion Tidus had awakened in her. That was how Yuna managed to become strong enough to give up her summons and kill off Sin. That was how she managed to search for Tidus to end of Spira. Rikku also thought that it was this strong emotion between them that had compelled the Fayth to let Tidus live again, not as a dream, but as a human being.

Rikku longed for something like that. Her life had been filled with sorrow and uncertainty—everyone in Spira had felt like that at some point. But it had been so lonely and Rikku had to be stronger with each passing day, if it wasn't Home being destroyed, or Al Bheds being attacked, it was Sin and then Vegnagun. At some point, she started running out of that strength, wondering where her reserves had gone. She would have to find more somewhere inside her. She wasn't like Yuna. She couldn't rely on anyone like Tidus for that kind of thing. Rikku had to find it in solitude, in the thought that no one would be there to save her or love her.

It was the Al Bhed way.

---

She pulled off her bandana and let her hair fall at her shoulders. The braids had caused several strands of blonde hair to curl in messy zigzags, but she simply ruffled it a bit, easing some of the tension from her headache, and then jumped in the shower. The steam warmed her face and the water drummed therapeutically on her body. She closed her eyes, turning around and facing the showerhead, asking the water to undo whatever feeling was overcoming her and forcing the sting away from under her eyelids. She hit the metal wall with a solid punch.

"Cred," she whispered. "Cred!" She ran her hands through her face. This had been the worst day she'd had in long while. But at least she had been successful in one thing, not one tear managed to break through, and she was happy with herself for that small feat. After the shower, she still stared at herself reproachfully in the mirror while re-tying her braids and putting up her hair with her usual blue headband.

"Nothing gets me down," she said sternly to her reflection with her chin high air. "Nothing." Cue the trademark Rikku cheery smile.

At least the day was almost over. All she had to do was survive dinner and show her team she was fine, that the whole scene from earlier had been a fluke and that she had recovered perfectly.

"Rikku," Nhadala approached her before Rikku could even enter the dining area. For Yevon's sake, her stomach growled furiously. Rikku didn't have time for a quick chitchat with the boss (she made a mental note to kick Gippal for making Nhadala the boss of this expedition, didn't she have a desert to run?).

"What is it? I'm starving." Rikku made a circular motion with her hand around her stomach, but Nhadala's gaze remained stern and somewhat impatient.

"I need to talk to you," she said pointedly. Rikku smiled and nodded. "It's about today," Nhadala said and started for her office motioning Rikku to follow her. She suddenly became fully aware of what Nhadala wanted with her and the strict woman's facial expressions alarmed Rikku. She was sure of it now. Someone on Rikku's diving team had told Nhadala. She supposed it was Netta, after all, she had always shown a pang of jealousy at any mention of Rikku and Sin in the same sentence, and Vegnagun was even worse, but nothing compared to Rikku's high status with the Al Bhed. Sometimes Rikku thought of it as a curse more than a compliment.

But Rikku understood Netta's resentment as natural and at first, it was Netta with whom she tried her hardest to befriend and understand. Netta, to conceal her envy, treated Rikku good-naturedly enough and shared her own brave anecdotes of survival through the Great Dispersal and the attack on Home. Rikku always knew never to mistake the woman's honesty for affection, but rather as competition. It wasn't a bad prospect. There was nothing like a bit of rivalry to brighten the dullness that could easily haunt routine dives.

Once they entered into Nhadala's office, Rikku immediately decided to assert herself and set the pace of the conversation.

"Is the machine we found not salvageable?" Rikku asked as Nhadala slipped behind her desk full of old mechanic trinkets and papers.

"Oh no," said Nhadala, "It's one of our rarest finds. The engine of the ancient meta-racer—that's what the mechanics are calling it for its power it seems—is not in any workable condition, but we can still use it as a prototype to hopefully manufacture better hovers. It's excellent news. We'll do a few more dives around the area and head back to Djose to put everything together." Nhadala stopped, her excitement quickly replaced with some other somber expression. At this point, Rikku was about to inquire more details and request permission to take a look at it tonight, but Nhadala hardly paused and instead, gracefully diverted the topic.

"It was an excellent find, Rikku, the team you lead has brought us some good stuff," Nhadala said. Rikku knew whatever Nhadala wanted to say had to be bad, because she never complimented anyone. "But there's a problem. You froze up in the cave. We don't do many cave expeditions, but since we need to look further into it…"

"I was fine though," interjected Rikku with a nervous smile. "Just an insy-little blunder."

"Yes, you were fine after two healing potions and a near-fatal blow." Nhadala's usual ruthlessness returned to her demeanor. Rikku thought of accusing her team of exaggerating, but didn't say anything in the end. If her team said so, then she had to show she trusted their judgment. "I'm taking you off the team," Nhadala added.

"I don't believe this!" Rikku sprang to the desk, placing both of her hands on its metal surface and leaning in on Nhadala. "They're exaggerating. You can't do this," countered Rikku in her anger.

"It's no exaggeration if a Gullwing and High Guardian freezes up at the sight of one fiend," Nhadala said coolly. She was acting as if Rikku had burnt out, or worse, had gone insane.

"I am the best goddamn diver," Rikku put in. Why was she fighting for this job so badly? Maybe because she wanted it, because it gave her purpose, and it was something she was exceptionally good at. The original Gullwings had mostly split up and now been replaced by an all-male team. Buddy and Brother still led, not only hunting spheres, but doing odd jobs for money. Yuna had Tidus, and that was enough said, and Paine, Yevon knows what she was doing. The last Rikku had heard was that Paine had been doing digs in some old ruins past the mountains beyond the basin east of the Moonflow. Paine said she wanted to find a ship of her own.

"I know that, Rikku," Nhadala said with a shake of head and then leaned in on her desk with pensive expression on her face. "I'll give you a month off. All we have left here to do is finish up in that cave and then we're going to Djose and then Bikanel probably for a while. You can meet up with us there."

Rikku growled and threw her arms in the air. "Fine," she said. "I'll ask Brother to pick me up and I'll be out of your sight." She huffed and stumped to exit.

As she closed the door, she heard Nhadala mutter "brat" followed by a grunt. Rikku threw up her fist against the door. "Vilg oui." She smirked and walked away to her room to pack her things.

"Rikku." A redhead woman stood waiting by the door of her room.

"Raynd, hey!" Rikku managed a weak smile as she spotted a frown spread across the woman's face.

"I'm sorry," Raynd said, taking Rikku's hand in her own. Rikku shook her head. She now figured that her whole team, not just Netta, had told Nhadala about their concern. Had it really been that bad? She trusted Raynd though, and if she thought it had been a problem, then she had no choice but to respect that. However, Raynd had developed this closeness and affection to Rikku, which could in a way make her a tad bit over protective.

"Don't be sorry. I was bound to leave eventually."

"Holy shit, she fired you? Okay, when we told her, it wasn't so she could fire you. I mean, she's strict, but I never thought she was a complete bitch and I—" Raynd would have kept rambling if Rikku hadn't put her hands over her friend's mouth, hoping no one actually heard her.

"It's not like that. She gave me some time off, but I decided that I'm done with diving for now." Raynd cleared her throat and removed Rikku's hands away from her face, but said nothing. After a while, Rikku finally added, "It's going to be like starting over. I love new beginnings!" Rikku cocked her head to the side now with a full-on grin.

"Oh stop it, I hate it when you get over-perky," Raynd muttered and frowned deeper. Rikku smiled despite of her comment. Raynd had always been one of those cynics, and as friends they had been good together, always leveling each other out. "But what exactly did Nhadala say?" Raynd finally asked.

"It doesn't matter. The point is I'm not coming back," Rikku answered, pressed her lips tightly together trying to avoid the frown and the tears that would follow it. Raynd finally smiled for her.

"Take care, will you? Meet up with us in Djose. You'll like this puppy, the one we found." Rikku wrapped her arms around Raynd and thanked her.

"Oh don't do that. I'll cry and then my reputation will go to hell. Anyway, I hate it when you get all huggy, but, I suppose just this once," Raynd murmured, relenting and hugging her back. "See you around." Then Raynd left her and went tell the other team members of the news. They all came ceremoniously to her room and said their goodbyes, and to her surprise, Netta even cried.

Another form of displacement, so where would she go now? She had a month to sort herself out, so that probably meant a mandatory visit to Besaid. She would spend some time with (now one-year old!) Vidina and hang out with the two lovey-dovey couples. At least Wakka and Lulu were nowhere near as sickening as Tidus and Yuna had become.

In Besaid, she would devise a plan to help her make sure what she felt back in that cave would never happen again.