Chapter 8: An Assassin's Secrets

The next day proved to be most illuminating. Something shifted slightly. The Dalish guards now watched Solas with a new fearful respect. The Sentinel guards also kept close to Lavellan every time she was separate from Solas, particularly when she spoke to Zarrak.

He didn't seem particularly bothered by being held hostage. When she asked if he was alright, he explained rather simply that he expected worse.

"What do you mean?"

"I thought you would torture me. He certainly seems like he wanted to," Zarrak motioned to Solas, who was riding near the front. "And she definitely does," he pointed his chin at Trissa, who had the end of his rope tied to the saddle on her hart. She heard him and glared back.

"Don't push your luck. I've seen her take nuts from a squirrel with a single shot. Not the acorn kind either. Best watch your tongue: she may be tempted to cut it out."

"But then what use would I be?" he said with a charming smile.

"You'd be target practice," Trissa replied, wiping the cheeky smirk from his face.

"Well, best to avoid that then. What can you tell us about the Crows? Are they likely to send more assassins after us since your attempt failed?" Lavellan asked.

"Yes. Almost definitely. In Antiva, a contract is a bond. If the Crows did not keep their contracts, their power would diminish and they would be seen as weak."

"True. But I would hope they would hesitate to jump in and try again if their team of… how many of you were there?"

Zarrak grimaced. "Twenty."

"Right. Well, I would hope that the loss of twenty of their own might prove to be a deterrent to send more."

Zarrak chuckled darkly. "You must not be very familiar with the Antivan Crows, Inquisitor. Do you know their recruiting process? They buy children as slaves or take them from the streets. Raise them to kill, mercilessly. Many do not survive the process. We are used to death. It is our constant companion. Expecting every assassin to survive is like expecting every arrow to still be usable after it has been shot. Losses are expected. They will send more."

"That's horrible. I'm sorry to hear that."

Zarrak gave her a questioning look, as if he suspected she was playing some sort of mind game he didn't understand.

"How did you come to be in the Crows?"

"I was sold. My family was poor and we had more mouths than we could feed."

"I'm sorry that happened to you."

He eyed her warily. "It is not so different from the tales of many others."

"What became of your family?"

"Last I'd heard, my mother sold my youngest brother to the Crows. The same was true for a few of my other siblings."

"Do you have much contact with them?"

"No. It is better that way. Besides, I hardly know them. I was a child when I saw most of them last."

"Were any of them on your mission last night?"

"No. No, they do not let families work for the same house. That would… complicate missions if one of us was compromised."

"I see. Do you want to get them out of the Crows? I might be able to make arrangements for them to start over with the Inquisition as spies or something."

"Why bother? The life of a Crow is better than most. They will have more nights of going to bed with food in the belly than they might have had at home with my mother."

"There are still better ways to live. Your siblings might live longer if they did not work for the Crows."

"Aye, and how many have had their lives cut short under the Inquisition, I wonder?"

Lavellan closed her mouth, feeling the blow he struck. "The offer stands, should you change your mind."

He nodded, though something in his expression appraised her curiously.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" she asked.

"You are… not what I expected. Tales of your deeds have reached us in Antiva and in many cases you are a heroic figure. You struck down a god, an ancient Tevinter magister, and closed a hole in the sky. Yet you are…" he gestured to her by way of explanation.

She tried not to be insulted. "Do I fail to live up to legend? Should I have ridden in on a white griffon clad in golden armor?"

He chuckled. "Well, you are… smaller than I expected."

"Ah, I am not as big and brawny as you anticipated?"

"Well, you also do not have a glowing hand like they said."

"True," she said, lifting her wooden arm. "It doesn't glow anymore."

"What happened to your arm?"

She scrunched her eyebrows together. "I lost it. I thought that was obvious."

"Yes, but how? The tales I've heard are very bizarre. Some say a dragon bit it off. Some say it exploded one day when a spell went wrong. Others say it was a battle with a fearsome warrior that claimed it in the end."

"And which do you believe?"

He shrugged, a clever smirk tugging at his cheek. "Who can say? I prefer the dragon theory myself."

"Yes, it certainly adds to my mystique."

"But what is the truth?"

She noticed several perked ears around her, not just Zarrak's.

"Nice try, Zarrak. But I'll be the one to ask questions. Now, do you coat all of your weapons in poison in the Crows?"

"Of course not. It would be dangerous. One false move, an accidental knick, and you risk your own death. Besides, a sharp weapon is as good for killing as poison."

"Why were so many of you sent to kill Solas?"

"There were many contracts. Many houses bidding against one another would be foolish. So they combine forces and split the profits. Though, I do not think the Crows realized at the time they had been hired to kill an actual god. He is your Dalish Fen'Harel, yes? Strange, he does not look as wolfish as the statues I have seen. Particularly with such a distinctive lack of hair."

"Careful. I would not speak ill of him unless you have a death wish."

"I was not speaking ill," he said hastily. "No, he looks quite… distinguished."

"Yes, quite," she agreed with a smug smile, glancing at Solas's shining bald head. "So, is there anything else we should be on the lookout for from the Crows?"

"Possibly. You have some time for now, though. Word will not travel quickly that we have failed. You may have some weeks yet."

"Excellent. Then I suggest you get comfortable. It seems you will be with us for a while."

"Can't think of anywhere else I'd rather be," Zarrak said with an ironic smile, holding up his bound wrists.

"Ah, right. Here." She healed the raw skin and put a protective spell on the ropes to prevent chaffing. "I told you to let me know if it hurts. Don't suffer needlessly."

He raised an eyebrow at her. "Why do you help me when I tried to kill you?"

"Would you rather I be cruel?"

He said nothing, but the wary expression did not change.

Shrugging, she left and went to spend time with Solas.

"Did you learn anything interesting?" he asked, raising his eyes and fixing the Antivan with a look of disdain.

"Yes. More assassins will come after you. We ought to be more careful. With one failed attempt the Crows will try harder to fulfill the contracts they've been hired to carry out. It might take a week or two for word to reach them. Maybe a touch longer for a planned attack. We shall see. I think I will send a letter to Leliana when we reach the next town and see if we can find a way to stop them."

"And what of the assassin already in our midst? Did you learn anything from him?"

"Yes. He told me he was sold by his family to the Crows as a child. The same thing happened to his siblings."

"And you believe him?" Solas asked skeptically.

"Yes, I do," she said solemnly. "I suspect he told me that in an attempt to earn my pity. But I have heard enough about the Crows from Josephine and others to suspect it is not far from the truth. If it is not his, it is someone's."

Solas studied her. "And you feel sorry for him?"

"Yes. He knows no life but this. It is its own form of slavery. The Crows mold children into weapons. The Crows are cruel masters. I'm trying to help him realize he can be free of them. He just has to want it."

"Can he be free of it? With family the Crows can use against him?"

"Perhaps you are right. And he may try to escape or slit our throats in our sleep. Or the Crows may hold no threat over him. His own mother sold him to the Crows. What does family even mean to a person like that?" She shook her head and sighed, running her hand through her hair. "I don't understand people who can do things like that. I know it happens. I know people are capable of doing worse. But I don't know that I'll ever understand it. In the clans, children are a blessing. The whole clan helps raise them. I've loved children who weren't even mine. I've helped heal their hurts and tended to them when they were sick. I've told them stories and given them rides on my shoulders. But then I think about people like Sera, who grew up with no one loving them. I don't know, maybe it's an idyllic thought, but I think everyone deserves compassion. And children… well, they deserve better."

"So do many. But it is not in our power to change people," he said sadly.

"Isn't it?" she said with a small grin. "Look at Sera now. She found a human woman who took her in, raised her. She made herself a band of misfits where she fit in perfectly. Gave herself purpose by caring for the little people. Maybe a little love and compassion can help people change for the better."

"There is your eternal optimism," he said, pulling her into his lap.

"Don't tease! I'm perfectly serious."

"I know. It's one of the reasons I love you, vhenan. You always have faith that things can be better." He kissed the top of her head.

"Well, maybe I'm just being positive and optimistic to try and get you into bed with me," she said in a low whisper.

He chuckled and shook his head. "Is that your strategy?"

"Yes. It has a relatively high rate of success too. Is it working now?"

"That depends. How far do you think we could get before someone follows us?"

She sighed. "After an assassination attempt that resulted in a full ambush? Not very far."

He sighed a lament as well. "How about a nap and a trip to the Fade? You may choose the setting if you like."

"Mmm, I like the sound of that."

She met him in the Fade later that night, by a thick tree on a hill overlooking the crashing surf below. "It seems you beat me here," came a voice from behind her.

She turned to see Solas, hands clasped behind his back, striding toward her. He stopped to admire the view, breathing in the salty scent of the sea on the wind. "It is peaceful."

She stepped closer to him. "I didn't come here for peace, Solas. I came here for you." She kissed him, pushing him until his back hit the tree. Her hand worked its way up his shirt, washing over his abs and up his chest. She ground her hips against his arousal.

His fingers raked over her back and before long he was tearing at her clothes and ripping them off of her. He touched the necklace at her throat and lifted her chin in his hands, forcing her to open her eyes and look at him. His expression was fierce as his grey eyes bored into hers. "You are mine, vhenan. I will not let them hurt you again."

She touched his cheek. "And you are mine. I will keep you safe. You have my word."

He hiked up her leg around his waist and spun her around against the tree. Wasting no time, he removed the last of her clothing and his own.

She admired him, naked in the moonlight, glowing silver in the reflected light off the waves. "Come to me," she said, beckoning him closer with a finger.

He obeyed, positioning himself over her. This was the part he wanted to watch closely. Eyes fixed upon her face, he watched with satisfaction as he slowly drove his length inside her, burying himself to the hilt. As he did her whole body arched and she tossed her head back, exposing her neck, lips parting in a delicious intake of breath, eyes clenched shut in ecstasy as their bodies melded together.

He captured her hand and pinned it over her head. Kissing her neck, he started slow, relishing in the sweet scent of grass and salt in the air.

"More. Please, Solas, give me more," she begged, arching her body to meet his.

He obeyed, all too willing to give her whatever she craved.

As his pace increased her breath came faster and faster until it stopped just before her peak. She cried out as her whole body tensed and he stilled as her muscles clenched down around him.

As she came down from her euphoria he kissed and touched her body, sending delightful tickling shivers throughout her core. She wrapped her arm around him, pulling him close and kissing those beautiful lips that had teased her with countless subtle smiles and coy grins. His kiss soothed and comforted her. She could kiss those lips forever. But she wanted more of him. Pushing back on his chest she joined him again, kissing him deeply. Her hand slipped around the curve of his ass and she pulled back to kiss his neck. He let out a pleasant sigh. "I want to try something," she whispered in his ear. Turning around, she bent over a nearby boulder, supporting herself on her forearm. "Well?" she asked, peering over her shoulder and wiggling her hips playfully.

Solas slid his hands down her body, but his eyes were fixed on the perfect plump shape of her ass. He slipped two fingers down between her legs and touched the wetness of her there. Willing himself to ease into the position in case she was not as comfortable supporting herself on one arm, he slipped into her slick entrance slowly. His hands brushed over the wonderful curves of her ass and then he gripped her hips tightly and started to thrust.

He tried to bite back a groan, but it escaped anyway when he threw his head back in ecstasy. He lost himself in the sensations.

Every movement sent a wonderful pulse of electric charge through her body, emptying her mind of all else but the feeling of each stroke. And then she moaned and cried out and he was undone, crying out her name with a final thrust.

She awoke a little later, still breathing hard as if her actual body had experienced all of it.

"Sleep well?" Solas asked, kissing the top of her head.

A blush colored her cheeks and she hid her face against his chest, clenching her hand into a fist. "It's not fair. It only makes me want you more."

"Was it not enough?"

"It was wonderful," she bemoaned, looking up at him. "Which is why I want more."

"We can't do more without being overheard. And neither of us wants that."

"What if…" she began, trailing kisses down his chest. "I am very quiet… and do that one thing you like…" she said, kissing along the waistline of his pants.

"Vhenan, you are not even quiet when you whisper." But he was finding it hard to convince himself to stop her. He ached for her touch as much as she ached for him. "Please," he said, cupping her chin and drawing her back up to the pillow.

"Fine, but don't blame me for not being quiet in that scenario. The mechanics of it make it rather difficult for me to speak. You, on the other hand…"

"Vhenan…" He kissed her forehead.

"Oh, alright. I'm sorry. I just want you." Melting against him, she breathed in the smoky campfire scent of his clothes.

"Sleep with me, vhenan. Let us dream of other things to distract your mind." He pulled her close and she nuzzled against him, sighing contentedly before drifting off.

The next few days went rather smoothly. Lavellan continued to talk to Zarrak, who she found to be interesting company, despite Solas's disapproval. Somehow, the casual companionship with which both she and Solas interacted set the Dalish more at ease, though they kept a healthy distance from him whenever possible in addition to keeping their tongues in check.

"So…" Zarrak said one morning as they were riding.

It was slow going through a narrow passage of rocky terrain and Lavellan was helping to guide her hart safely through (even though she was not her rider at the moment). "What is it?" she asked with a sigh, waving away fallen rocks with a spell to clear the path.

"I have been wondering… How is it that you came to be… involved, per se, with a god?"

"Don't let him hear you calling him that. He doesn't like it."

"Really? He turned the Crows into stone without so much as a gesture. It is god-like power, is it not? And he is in the elven gods, Fen'Harel, yes?"

"Fen'Harel is in the elven pantheon of gods, yes. But the Dalish understanding is… incomplete. He is not what our teachings have led us to believe. I am surprised an Antivan knows so much of our gods. Although, you do have a Dalish look to your ears. Perhaps you are descended from one of the Dalish clans?"

"I would not know. My mother was a whore who bedded many men. She was a city elf herself, obviously, otherwise my ears would not be so pointy. But you are deflecting my question."

"Yes, I am," she grinned, kicking aside a stone.

"But I do not ask for myself alone. Only the other day the lovely Trissa was asking her rigid companion over there," he nodded at Ri'vai with his chin, "How was it that you two came together. It is clear your relationship is not new. So… it begs the question of how it came to be. Gods and god-killers make for strange bedfellows." He realized his mistake when she shot him a look and he backtracked his statement. "Well, I mean to say, close companions…"

Trissa, who was riding behind them and clearly listening in on the conversation snorted a laugh.

Despite herself, Lavellan smiled. "It does sound like something from a tragic epic, I suppose. But if you know of Fen'Harel, then you know he is the one who betrayed the other gods. So it would be more appropriate to call us both god-killers. Though it would still also be wrong."

Zarrak sighed. "I am not going to get a straight answer from you, am I?"

"Of course not, Zarrak. You are my prisoner. But, if the lovely Trissa or rigid Ri'vai should ask such a question around the campfire tonight, as my friends, they might receive the truth. And if you awake, you may even get to hear-"

She was interrupted by a deep rumble as rocks rolled down the steep hill above them. Swearing loudly in elvish, Lavellan dropped the reins and shot her hands up above her head, erecting a barrier spell above them.

A war cry sounded from somewhere nearby.

"Bandits!" Trissa cried, firing an arrow as they emerged from their hiding places.

With a tremendous effort, Lavellan angled her barrier so the rocks slid off and crashed behind them. The ground shook and her hart gave a start, pulling away from her. Lavellan cried out as it pulled the tether tied to her false arm. The barrier shattered and bandits rushed forward, drawing weapons.

A man shot an arrow at Zarrak, who ducked, but didn't need to. The arrow bounced harmlessly off Lavellan's shield spell. He looked at her, bewildered. "Are you mad, woman?"

"Depends who you ask," she replied, gritting her teeth. "Trissa! Duck!" she shouted, sending a fireball at an oncoming attacker.

Trissa dropped just in time and the fireball hit its mark.

"Zarrak! Get off and hold Snowberry's reins!"

The Antivan obeyed, sliding off the side of the hart and taking the reins from her.

"Stay behind me," she ordered, as a rogue dashed forward. She waited until the right moment and then zapped him with a lightning spell. Two arrows caught him in the chest. Peering to either side, Lavellan sighed in relief as two Sentinels appeared to flank her. "Help Trissa!" she ordered, but they stayed at her side, shielding her. Roaring in anger, Lavellan parted them with a barrier spell and ran to Trissa's side, sending an icy spear through the heart of a man with a broadsword.

The Sentinels charged forward. One of them dodged an arrow aimed from a nearby tree and shot back. Trissa's arrow hit the mark and the man fell from the tree. She smirked at Lavellan just before one of the Sentinels knocked her to the ground. An arrow stuck in the ground where she had been standing.

Another archer, one they had missed, fired down on them from above with several arrows at once. Lavellan's shield saved them though. The archer above leapt back and Lavellan cursed as he disappeared from view.

"There!" Zarrak pointed, and sure enough, high above him, the archer was already mid-draw. And then the archer turned to stone, frozen with his bow still drawn.

Lavellan turned to see Solas brush aside a small avalanche of rocks that had separated their party as if it were nothing. "Are you alright?" he asked when he was close enough. Lavellan was still breathing hard.

"No. Snowberry almost took my arm off," she complained, twisting it back into place. "Also," she rounded on the two Sentinels, shoving her finger in their faces. "Disobey my orders again and I will personally throw you off the cliff. Is that understood?"

The Sentinel pressed his lips together in a firm line. "We were following orders. Our orders were to protect you."

"I seem to recall being the one who did the protecting back there, seeing as how none of you were flattened into a paste! Remember that next time. And Trissa, you are responsible for Zarrak. That means protecting him and Snowberry from bandits. As well as me. You are a member of my guard, are you not?"

Trissa frowned guiltily, but said nothing.

"And you," she rounded on Zarrak. "Thank you for not trying to escape or stab us in the back. As for you," she snapped, turning back to Solas and pointing at the Sentinels. "Ordering them to protect me? They're supposed to protect you. But I'd also prefer it if our people had each other's backs. Hamin saved Trissa back there. We should all learn from his example."

"They obeyed my orders. I take responsibility for that. And yes, they should work together against a common enemy."

She put her hand on her hip, frowning. "Is that all you have to say?"

"Is there more you wish for me to say?"

"Why aren't you more worried? I was panicking the whole time because I couldn't see you and I thought you were hurt."

"I am unhurt, vhenan. And I am relieved you are well enough to be so angry with me."

She narrowed her eyes, though in her heart the anger faded away. Turning to the rest of the Dalish, she said, "I expect better from all of you from now on. You are not merely my escort, but representatives of the Dalish clans. A true warrior does not turn their back on an ally. From this point forward, you must fight as one alongside the Sentinels. Remember your honor. Now, let's get moving."

They all busied themselves and Lavellan watched with a stern eye until their backs were turned. Then she looked back up at Solas. "Vhenan, help. My arm: I think it's dislocated." Bracing herself against the cliff, she grit her teeth as he popped the arm back into its socket and bit back a shriek of pain.

Solas held her arm steady as he healed it. "Your prisoner saved you. He pointed out the archer when he might've let her kill you and escape."

"That almost sounded like praise," she teased, rolling her shoulder to test it out. "It was. Although perhaps he did it to save his own skin."

"Ah, but I have another theory." He raised an eyebrow and she grinned. "I think he's curious about you. And me. I think he wishes to know who we are."

"He is not alone. Did you see the looks the others give us? Your suggestion to show affection more openly has certainly disarmed them, but they do not yet know what to make of us," he said, considering his own observations.

"They will. By the time we reach our destination, I think they'll know well enough."

That evening, as they all sat around the campfire, Lavellan thanked Solas for peeling her orange when Trissa asked, "What is the deal with the two of you?"

Solas froze, but Lavellan tore her orange apart into segments. "Whatever do you mean, Trissa?" she asked, feigning ignorance.

"You. And him. How the fucking hell did you end up with Fen'Harel?"

Zarrak sat up straighter. Several side conversations stopped and it grew quiet around the campfire.

Lavellan glanced up at Solas, passing him a piece of her orange. "Well, that is a long story. You've heard some of it already though. Why don't you start, vhenan? I was unconscious for the first part."

"Indeed you were." He turned to Trissa, who narrowed her eyes at him. He had grown accustomed to the Dalish distrust of him. Some likely doubted he was the true Fen'Harel they had heard tales of, but that likely made them all the more curious. "I was not always as I am now. The first time we met I was weaker, little more than an apostate. I found her as the sole survivor of the explosion at the Temple of Sacred Ashes. She bore a mark on her hand branded with a powerful source of elven magic. It was killing her and I managed to place wards to keep the magic's ill effects from spreading. I returned to the fighting at the Breach, trying to find a way to seal it, but to no avail. Until she recovered, that is. She came back to help and saved many lives."

"I met him when he grabbed my hand in the middle of a fight and showed me how to close the Rift. From there we fought against all manner of demons to seal the Breach," she interjected.

"Then the Inquisition was formally founded. She became Inquisitor in time, closing magical rifts and doing her part to stop the mages and templars from fighting. She was… inspiring."

"And so was Solas," she said, beaming up at him. "An elven apostate with a vast knowledge of magic and history on the Fade. I was fascinated. He taught me so much. I couldn't help but feel drawn to him. We went on missions together, trying to stop Thedas from falling apart. We fought by each other's side, helped one another, shared stories. Eventually there was a… connection. Though nothing came of it for a while."

There was a note of sadness in her voice and Solas wondered if he had hurt her in his efforts to remain aloof. "True. I was afraid of getting too close to her, that she might discover the truth of who I am."

She looked down at her hand, playing with the wooden fingers as private memories of those early days played in her mind. "He was always 'Solas' to me. I did not learn of his true identity until several months ago. But by then it hardly mattered."

"How can it possibly not matter?!" Ri'vai lashed out, grabbing his spear. The others around the fire stilled, nerves on high alert. Several people reached for their weapons in turn. "You are Dalish! You know of the Dread Wolf. He betrayed the gods. He betrayed you, did he not?"

The Sentinels grabbed the hilts of their swords, but Solas waved for peace with a gesture.

Lavellan leveled her gaze at Ri'vai and something in her eye made his palms sweat. "Yes. He did. But you are wrong, Ri'vai. The Peace Keeper told you already what I showed him in my Dreamwalk. We do not know the Evanuris or the Forgotten Ones. I have traveled to places and seen secrets lost to our history, Ri'vai. The ones we worshipped were cruel and unforgiving. So great was their cruelty that they threatened to destroy the world. Fen'Harel did betray them. He locked them away and created the Veil between the physical world and the Fade. But you have Fen'Harel here before you. Let him tell you the truth if you will not believe it of me."

"I will not trust the words of a liar!" Ri'vai shot back. Sweat beaded on his forehead, but he pointed his spear in Solas's direction in a pointless aggressive gesture.

"Whose lies, Ri'vai? You have traveled into the Deep Roads. You have seen ancient ruins of the Elvhen empire. You walk besides Sentinels who have guarded the sacred Temple of Mythal for millennia. You know that the Dalish try to preserve what knowledge we can, but you know too that our own history has been taken from us and lost to time. We do not know it. The Sentinels look upon us with distaste because our culture has changed. All of you act as though those across from the campfire are so removed from you, but we are not. We are people, lost and trapped by a past we cannot know. Removed from a world sundered by powerful beings who cared little for others. Let us not repeat that history. Let us learn and accept that we may be wrong in what we think we know. And try to be better than our ancestors."

"How do you know he has not corrupted your mind? What if our legends of Fen'Harel are right?" Ri'vai countered.

A muscle twinged in her neck as her irritation grew and she tried to suppress it. "Then I do not know right from wrong. Solas has been by my side through everything since the Breach formed. There are many things a person may hide, but his choices and his actions define his character. He has lied to me. He has been false. But he chose to side with me. He chose to fight against false gods. He saved my life a thousand times over when he could have let me die. This alliance is a choice. Bonding together is a choice. But my mind has always been my own. And I choose him. Of my own volition. I do not love him because he has cursed me. I love him because he is a man worthy of my affections."

"So then tell us, what has he done to earn such a high opinion that even his betrayal and mutilation of your person can see past?!" Ri'vai snapped, gesturing aggressively to her false arm.

She froze, stunned into silence. It was not a fact she shared with most. Beside her Solas stiffened.

Ri'vai smiled triumphantly, having clearly shaken her. "My Keeper shared a good deal with me. Did you think we would not learn the truth of how you lost your arm?" he growled.

"The arm was already lost by then. Solas did turn my arm to stone, but it was to save my life. The mark on my hand that Solas spoke of earlier, it was killing me. I would not be alive before you had he not done what he did. But if you wish to know why I believe he deserves your respect, if not your admiration, I will tell you about the man I know."

And she did, recounting stories and moments from their time together over the years with the Inquisition. Solas listened behind folded hands, mesmerized by her passion and fire. She recalled the smallest details, ones he had deemed insignificant and forgotten: from gathering herbs to help the sick and injured to rescuing an old woman from a burning house. Tears welled in his eyes and his chest swelled, touched by how much she cared.

And the others gathered around the fire listened to her every word. Solas understood then how she had convinced the Council to form an alliance. She painted him as a hero, good and true, who sacrificed to save the world at great personal cost. He wished he felt like the man she believed him to be. Yet her words, impassioned and genuine, made him believe, just for a moment, that he was capable of being every bit the man she depicted.

She spoke until the fire grew low and in the faint glow of embers and the light of the stars, she finished her speech by saying, "That is why I believe in him. I hope that you will consider what I have told you and put your faith in him."

Ri'vai was quiet. Over the course of her speech his grip on the spear loosened. When he spoke, he looked directly at her. "I do not know this man as you do. But I have seen enough and heard enough to know where my faith belongs. And it is not in gods who have never answered my prayers. It is in the person who fights at my side. Who fights for all her people. You have faced false gods, Ambassador. You have seen things I cannot comprehend. This I know. And I trust your judgement and your heart. On the honor of my clan, I pledge my support to you and to whomever you follow." He knelt down to one knee, bowing his head in respect. He then turned and bowed to Solas. "Melana en athim las enaste."

"Ma serannas," Solas said, bowing his head respectfully in turn.

Lavellan's eyes slowly roamed over the rest of the people in the circle, her hand braced defiantly on her hip. "Well, any other questions?"

A few people exchanged glances, but there was nothing but silence from around the circle. Even Zarrak was strangely quiet.

The fire in her belly cooled then, as if doused by a bucket of cold water. Exhaustion came over her and she collapsed back on the spot beside Solas, pulling over her waterskin. Once she had drunk her fill she wiped her mouth and rose again, changing her mind. "I'm tired," was all she said as she left the circle around the campfire and returned to the tent she now shared with Solas. Slipping off her shirt she unstrapped the wooden arm and wrapped her hand around the stump, rubbing at the sore parts and healing the bruised area where it bit and pinched.

"Allow me," Solas said quietly, ducking into the tent behind her. Gentle hands pulled back her hair and trailed down her shoulders. Solas's spell soothed the deeper aches in the muscles.

"You don't have to do that," she told him, even though it helped.

"I told you I would heal you, vhenan. I want you to come to me when it hurts."

She brushed his hand away. When she turned to look at him her eyes were heavy with a weight he could not name.

Solas touched her cheek, grazing it with the back of his knuckles. "I want to thank you. For the things you said back there. You defended me and I am grateful. I can see now how you managed to convince the Dalish of an alliance. I hope I can live up to the vision you shared tonight."

His eyebrows drew together in concern when she looked up at him, shaking her head as if it took all the energy in her body just for that movement alone. And those eyes that always burned with such fire were now dim and weary. "Stop it," she whispered, her voice hoarse. Her forehead fell to his chest and she clenched her fist in anger, but the action took energy she did not have and it fell limply back down at her side, powerless. "Please," she said, forcing herself to look back up at him. "Please stop. Stop saying things like 'I hope to be the man you see' or "I hope I can live up to the vision you shared' because I'm tired of hearing it, Solas. Be the man I believe you to be or don't. I am so, so tired of defending you and my choice to support you. I believe in you. But it's hard, Solas. It's so hard some days when I cannot look in the mirror without seeing what you took from me. Because there's more than one way to paint this picture," she said, gesturing between them. "Either I am a fool in love or I am a fool who was controlled and manipulated. Or worse. People used to trust me implicitly, vhenan. But now… I have to earn back my reputation and defend my choices. And all the while you say the same thing to me: 'I hope to be that hero you see in me.' Stop it. Just stop. Be that man or be the god who cares not for the opinion or mortals, but please stop disparaging yourself and me with the way you speak of yourself. I believe in you. Please believe in yourself."

"Vhenan…" he took her hand, but did not know what to say. "I have made so many mistakes. I have hurt so many with my failures."

"Please, Solas. Ma vhenan, try. No hero's hands are clean. We all make mistakes. We all fail. You are trying to fix your mistakes. You are trying to save your people. Just as you were then. The guilt you carry… It is not an easy burden. I know that. But you must believe things can be better. That you are better." She shook her head and put her hand on his chest, over his heart. "I love you. Because you are a man who doesn't give up. I love you, Solas. Please love yourself too and know that you are worthy of it."

He smoothed his hand down her hair, kissing the top of her head and pulling her close. Their connection, this bond between them, he needed it. Because he didn't feel worthy. Certainly not worthy enough for her affection and the sacrifice that came with her declaration of support. But he would try. For her sake, he would try to believe.

"Thank you, vhenan. You are a light in the dark. Forgive me. I have been in the darkness of my own thoughts too long not to shield my eyes from it. But I am adjusting as best I can." He pulled her to him, holding her close, cradling her against his body. She was so dear to him. And yet he hurt her. The sins of his past, all his lies, had caused damage no matter his efforts to prevent it. But he would keep her safe. Keep her close. Even if he did not feel worthy of her love, the fact that she stood up for him meant something. She was no fool, no matter what others believed in their own misconstrued assumptions. She was brilliant and cleverer than most. If she chose him still, then it was because she believed in him. He would let her be the torch through the darkness. He would cling to it, until he reached the light of day himself.