Don't Turn Back

"You've been avoiding me," Yuna said. Her cold glare was hazy, but still pointedly indignant through the comm. sphere's screen. Baralai's face intuitively respond with an apologetic smile.

"I apologize, Lady Yuna," Baralai said, and Yuna's thin eyes softened as her expression morphed into concern.

"Is she at the Den of Woe already then?" Yuna asked. Baralai felt like the harbinger of bad news that he hadn't been informed on himself. As if his words were simply a premonition: an oracle's prophecy. Instead, he focused on what he had done.

"I'm afraid so. I'm the one that gave her the spheres."

"Yeah, I supposed from your call." Yuna glimpse to the side as if conjuring up some thought. "Why did you call?" She regarded him with a cool seriousness.

"Don't you mean to ask, why did I give her the spheres?" He added, not coyly, but resignedly. He called Yuna because he felt he had to explain himself to someone, so he could let it go. He had to convince himself that Rikku wasn't his responsibility, nor Gippal's, but then she had to be under somebody's watch. It was that reckless youth still lingering in her that made him feel like he ought to tell a parent of the impending doom of their teenager. It also made him feel terribly old.

"No, I don't think so." She pressed her lips to a smile. "Rikku can charm almost anyone into anything." That was the wrong response. It took Baralai out of his comfort zone with a huge whack to his pride.

"Pardon me, Lady Yuna, but she was very honest with me. Well, as far as she thought it necessary. She made no devious acquisitions," Baralai said in his calm political tone. He was plain insulted when it came to the notion of someone trying to trick him into something. He always felt he wasn't the type to be easily swayed, no matter who it was.

"I see. Well then, there's still the question of why call me?" She was the legendary High Summoner. He couldn't have expected to just get the assurance he wanted from her without some suspicion from her part. He hoped he would have been subtle enough to ask for a tiny bit of information from her, but that wouldn't do. So the pride he had just exerted had to be swallowed back.

"Will Rikku be all right? You know her best, and I--," he wished to continue but found himself pausing and failing to mask his eagerness to find out more about the girl. He was worried and he felt guilty, horribly and dauntingly guilty.

"Once Rikku sets her mind to something, she accomplishes it. If anyone would ever go back to that cave and make it through, it would be her." He could tell that Yuna had perceived his guilt and wanted to ease it a bit. With her smile, she told him she didn't find him at all responsible. "I'm sure she appreciates that you helped her. No one else was really listening. It'll be fine, Baralai."

After that, she quickly changed the subject and tempo of the conversation, which brought Baralai out of that awkward mode they had both unwillingly noticed. She wanted to know what was new with Bevelle and Spira's government. She was inquisitive about everything that she had been indifferent to only a few years ago, but she was pleased now with the peaceful and rebuilding mood of the time. He would tell her of the improvements and the increasing stability of the new government, and she would eagerly add "that's so good" every once in a while. After the conversation was done, they both promised to let each other know if either one heard of Rikku first.

It was always a pleasure to speak with Yuna. She had this irrepressibly contagious energy and her optimism was undaunted by any bad news of Spira. She had become especially bright since her engagement to Sir Tidus, and most Spira speculated and rejoiced about their private romance. In a year, neither had left Besaid, and Baralai figured it was probably to retain a small haven for themselves.

What was that like? What was it like to have that extra attachment to the world around you? It wasn't like just a lover. Baralai had a history of a few of those, when he'd had the time. They tended to be quick—if you could call them—relationships, and then fade. He lacked to the attention span, but it couldn't him from wondering it was like to work or play (as Tidus had joined the Blitzball league recently) knowing that there was something outside of it. That the world didn't revolve around career advancements and responsibilities. He had never thought of it. His life had been overcome with politics and Spira. He was married to Spira. He would have to tend to her and help her grow. Well, then that made Spira more of a child. He found that as he set his work aside and let himself plunge into his own personal thoughts, that there was something empty and robotic about his life.

He laughed at his own thoughts. Rikku was the most excitement he'd had since Vegnagun. She was something outside of this city and outside of this plane of work and politics and weary reconstruction. She was youth incarnate, and she reminded him that he wasn't as old as he sometimes thought he was. Perhaps, he thought, that was where his sudden interest in her had risen. After all, he didn't quite know her. The first time he saw her when Yuna came to Bevelle, he had focused mainly on trying to appease her and explaining the terribly embarrassing circumstances regarding the chairman and his son. He had smiled at Rikku absentmindedly, still focusing on Yuna, while she stepped away from view. He caught a glance of the blonde Al Bhed again, after he bowed and he caught her short head nod toward him. They locked eyes only for a second, and he could see the curiosity rising in her eyes. She had all these questions—assumptions—about him, he was sure.

He thought he recognized her as the famed Al Bhed high guardian, but he wasn't sure and quickly dismissed her. The next time he saw them was when he fought them. He tried to prevent them from entering to where Vegnagun was, but the minute he saw how all three were stubbornly decided to enter, he backed down. They gave him quite a beating between the three of them, but now he looked back to it, he deserved it.

"It's not a good sign when you're dazed," Ellil said as he entered the office. "I've been knocking for a little while here."

"Oh, Ellil, I'm sorry." Baralai quickly rearranged the affairs on his desk.

"I've never seen you daze off before," he said curiously, handing him the written minutes of a council meeting.

"Well, I suppose I do so privately."

"Is something the matter Praetor?" Ellil showing a hint of concern of his gray eyebrows.

"No, nothing like that. Just pensive," Baralai lied mostly to himself. Ever since Vegnagun, he had relied on his two old Crimson Squad partners for whenever he needed to talk. Nooj was a better listener than he had thought, and even Paine had become a sort of confidant before she left for her adventure somewhere in Spira. But this time, he couldn't go to anyone. He had tried Yuna, but it was only for information.

This was a sensitive case that he would have to figure out. He laughed in spite of himself.

"Sir?" Ellil still stood there.

"Oh nothing, just a thought that sounded hilarious in my mind." Sensitive case all right. All over a potential crush on girl. Oh yes, definitely made him feel younger and stupider all right.

So that was what he missed out on as teenager. He thanked the Fayth he did, but he felt a little cheated, because perhaps it would have taught him something that he was completely clueless about at this age.

But the problem was that Rikku wasn't just any girl, but someone that had gone through much more than himself and that—perhaps—in a moment of weakness, had come to him with a request that under normal circumstances—as he'd thought them to be—he wouldn't have hesitated to comply—as he didn't. However, Gippal had a point. Baralai asked himself why he hadn't thought it through. It was the Den of Woe, for Yevon's sake. It was the nightmare that had haunted all of them over a year ago.

His mind began to seek the memories of Shuyin, and Baralai stopped. No more wondering for today. No more worrying. He feared the memories much more than he felt guilty for Rikku. He couldn't go back to that. He promised himself he would work to wipe it out from his mind once and for all.