Chapter 15: Revelations

The walk to the hot springs proved to be interesting as Lavellan asked Merrill about her time with Varric in Kirkwall. Coming from a nomadic Dalish clan originally, Merrill's take on the alienage in Kirkwall and its people was quite captivating. Apparently some of the elves from the alienage had come to Arlathvhen in search of family or old friends. Some even came to try and find a new clan and a fresh start.

"My clan merged with an alienage in Wycombe," she told Merrill, curious to know more. "It must have been hard to adjust. I know my people suffered a great deal during the transition. Was it difficult for you, moving to Kirkwall?"

"Oh, it was… not easy. I was the First for my clan but my Keeper and I had a difference of opinion, you might say, and I left. Varric and Hawke were very kind and helped me find a place in the alienage. Although I can't say they kept me out of trouble. In Kirkwall we were always in and out of trouble," Merrill said as she grinned.

Lavellan returned her grin, recalling several stories Varric had shared a while back. "I'm sure. Varric and trouble go hand-in-hand. Though he claims otherwise."

"Oh, he's mostly dragged into it, I think. He's not the type to let his friends go off alone, anyhow."

"No, of course not. I thought I heard him call you something earlier. Daisy, was it? Varric loves to give out nicknames. What's the meaning behind yours?"

Merrill's cheeks turned a faint pink. "Oh, that. Well, I guess it started back when I got caught picking flowers from one of the noble's gardens in Kirkwall. I didn't know they already belonged to someone. It wasn't a concept I was familiar with, growing up with flowers all around that never belonged to anyone."

This made Lavellan smile.

"Yes, I seem to recall the Inquisitor doing something similar in Val Royeaux. She was lucky she was not arrested for theft," Josephine said, raising an eyebrow.

"I likely would have had you not been there to scold me," Lavellan replied, a small smirk on her face recalling the bewildered moment she realized she had done something wrong.

"Human customs are strange at times," Merrill said as they entered the hot springs.

"Indeed. Come, let us find a spot in the back away from the crowds," Lavellan suggested, picking her way through the people. She tugged on Josphine's shoulder at one point when she headed in the wrong direction.

"Stop staring at your feet, Josie. You'll walk right into someone."

"Sorry, Inquisitor. It is just that…" she blushed, glancing away as a naked man stood from one of the pools to reach for his waterskin.

"Oh, yes, the Dalish are a bit more comfortable with nudity. Well, some more than others," Lavellan said, as she did not consider herself to be overly comfortable.

After nimbly skirting around wet rocks and narrow streams, they found a pool tucked away from many of the others. The water was not as warm, but with a little magic, Lavellan had the water steaming the air around them.

Leliana let out a contented sigh as she slipped into the pool, dipping her head back to soak her hair. "I've heard hot springs are full of minerals that are good for the skin."

"Oh it's been ages since I've been to a hot spring," Josephine said, poking a cautious toe into the water before she lowered herself down. "I do love a hot bath as well though. There is something so relaxing about soaking in the warm water. Did I ever tell you about the time when I was a bard and we went to the Val du Lac region with my patron? He threw a grand party and there was wine, so of course when they all got out a few of them slipped and fell right back into the water! This one marquise made the biggest splash and soaked all the food on a tray his servant was carrying. And all the clothes! Everyone returned to the villa that night soaked."

Lavellan listened and tried to hide the discomfort she felt as she undid the straps of her fake limb. It was not something she was used to having others see and though Leliana and Josephine were aware of it, it wasn't something she liked other people looking at. And Merrill was a stranger. On top of her embarrassment, it also meant she lost the use of her left arm and hand when she removed the enchanted prosthesis, leaving her feeling much more vulnerable. The familiar sense of relief washed over her as the dead weight left her and she placed it carefully onto a boulder beside her clothes. Doing her best not to slip on the wet rocks, she lowered herself into the pool a little at a time.

"-And then, my friend Islan, who was also a bard at the time, she-Oh!" Josephine froze, eyes wide like a startled halla. Leliana's eyes followed her gaze to see what had caught her attention and she too stared at Lavellan.

Lavellan tried to steel herself against their stares. She should have expected it, but their stares made her feel even more out of place than the stump did. It wasn't a pretty thing. She knew it was strangely atrophied, scarred, and a bit discolored and generally odd looking, but it wasn't like Leliana or Josephine had never seen it before. They had visited her several times during her recovery. Although it had only gotten worse with muscular atrophy since then. She pretended not to notice their stares by looking up at the clouds overhead, but she could still feel their eyes on her. Even Merrill stared, though as a stranger, Lavellan had expected that.

Josephine blinked a few times and turned to Leliana with a questioning look. Then she leaned in and whispered something into her ear. While the two of them whispered, Lavellan began to regret coming to the hotspring altogether.

"Oh, congratulations!" Merrill said with an excited grin. "Do you know when the date will be?"

Lavellan did her best to politely hide her confusion. "Um, well the ceremony is supposed to happen later today," she said, tucking her hair behind her ear.

Merrill giggled and shook her head. "No, I mean do you know when your baby is due? You don't look very far along, but every woman carries a little differently."

Lavellan practically recoiled, then glanced down at her stomach. She hadn't gained that much weight, had she? But then her eyes moved from her stomach, which hadn't changed much in size, to her breasts, which she hadn't realized were a bit bigger than usual and then to her nipples, which were darker in color...

Her heart hammered in her chest, thinking, counting, and trying to remember. When had she last bled? She had brought the supplies with her but it wasn't that uncommon for her cycle to be late or to skip one entirely during periods of stress. But her last cycle had ended just before she arrived to begin negotiations with Solas… Which meant it had been several weeks. Too many weeks. And it wasn't like they hadn't slept together, but she took her regular dose of blood lotus extract to prevent… pregnancy. The word itself fell heavily upon her mind like a brick landing on her head. But she couldn't be… Although the more she thought about it, the more it explained the odd feelings and symptoms she had been experiencing. But if she had still been taking the blood lotus extract, why then…?

Her eyes settled upon the pendant at her chest. The one Solas had made her promise to wear at all times. To keep her safe from things like poisons. But what was a poison? Alcohol was a poison. An extract might also fall into that same category. Could she really be… pregnant?

Lavellan sunk into the water and Merrill's eyes widened. Covering her mouth, her cheeks burned a bright pink. "Oh. Oh, I'm so sorry. You didn't know. Oh, I shouldn't have said anything. Are you okay? This is… good news, right?" She looked frantically at the other three women.

Both Jospehine and Leliana seemed relieved that they had not been the ones to say it.

"It appears the reunion with Solas went quite well," Leliana said with a sly grin.

"Forgive me, but were you trying to get pregnant?" Josephine blurted out before she could stop herself.

"Josie!" Leliana scolded.

"No," Lavellan heard herself say. "No, I-I… It wasn't like that."

"Well, then you must be in quite a state of shock. I take it you did not realize until just now?" Leliana assumed, having just witnessed her reaction.

"Then Solas does not know? I mean, well, assuming he is the father, yes?" Josephine asked, a strange sort of panicked note in her voice as the words tumbled out. Lavellan had never seen her ambassador so uncomposed by a revelatory piece of information.

"Of course he is! He's the only one I've…" her voice trailed off as a dawning realization came to her. She clapped her hand over her mouth.

"What is it?" Leliana asked.

"Is he not the father?!" Josephine hissed, unable to stop herself.

"I'll have to tell him," she said and tears pricked at the corner of her eyes. She didn't know why it happened now, but she knew there was nothing that would stop the deluge of tears as they poured forth from her eyes. Suddenly, everything felt much too real. Because telling him meant that she accepted the truth of what was and could no longer plausibly deny it to herself. And denial was much better than acceptance at the moment as sickening terror coursed through her veins amidst rising panic.

Leliana and Josephine came closer, each putting a hand on her shoulder. Merrill hugged her knees to her chest, not knowing what to do with herself and the guilt of accidentally drawing attention to Lavellan's condition.

"Now, you don't have to tell him anything you don't want to. Just say the word and Josie and I will whisk you back away to Skyhold. Or someplace far away. He doesn't have to know," Leliana offered.

"And you don't have to go through with the bonding ceremony. We could take you away right now if that's what you want," Josephine added, rubbing her shoulder.

"You don't have to have the baby either, if you don't want to," Leliana murmured softly. "There are other options."

"Clearly, this is all a bit much," Josephine said, affecting an air of decorum and squeezing Lavellan's shoulder as she started to hyperventilate. "Why don't we take a breath and focus on breathing for now?" she said, demonstrating a slow breathing technique.

"Is something wrong?" A voice came from behind them where Trissa stood with her hands on her hips. She was fully clothed, staring at the two humans and strange elf with a firm grip on her weapon.

"Everything is fine," Josephine said hurriedly, moving to shield Lavellan.

"Just pre-wedding jitters," Leliana added, also closing in to shield Lavellan from sight. Several other people in nearby pools had heard the crying and looked over to see what was going on.

"She means pre-bonding," Merrill said when Trissa narrowed her eyes.

Trissa ignored their comments. "Ambassador, are you alright?"

Lavellan managed a nod and sniffed. Her whole body continued to tremble though and Trissa was clearly unconvinced.

Crouching down, she pressed her lips together and sighed. "Hey, at least it isn't Varitan you're bonding with."

Lavellan managed a small hiccup that was as close to a laugh as she could manage.

"Did I tell you he ran off? Piece of shit. My poor cousin's humilitated. As if he hasn't done enough damage already." Trissa sighed and then rolled back on her heels to stand again. "Well, I was told to come find you. Fen'Harel is asking for you."

"We'll only be a little longer," Josephine assured her.

Trissa left and Lavellan sank lower into the water. She wasn't ready to see him yet. Did he know? Had everyone else already figured out what she was only just now realizing? She was not the type of woman who usually lost her head, but right then she was losing herself in her panic as she struggled to think.

Did she want to have this baby? She had talked with Solas about possibly having a family one day, but she had never considered it would happen so soon. Would he even want that? Should she consider the other options or run away? Asking that question helped her. No matter what, she could not and would not run away from this. Today was her bonding day. It had all been arranged. She was doing it for the welfare of her people and it was what she wanted. She loved Solas. He loved her. And she wanted to be with him.

"I can't think about this right now. I have to get ready. Today is my bonding day. I have to focus on that." Although it was not a calming thought, it did help her center her focus. Leliana and Josephine nodded and changed to topics regarding bonding ceremonial practices and traditions. Merrill, who had been the First for her clan like Lavellan, was quite familiar with the practices and explained many of them in thorough detail. Listening to the steps helped Lavellan relax a little, preparing herself for what was to come.

When they returned to the camp, both Josephine and Leliana flanked her, especially after she made the mistake of admitting she had fainted the previous day and been feeling ill at random times. With each step closer, she felt her legs growing more and more numb as her feet turned to lead.

Solas paced before her tent as people milled about, making preparations for the ceremony and the celebration that would take place afterwards. He caught sight of Lavellan and the other three women accompanying her and approached.

Her legs went numb beneath her. Lavellan steeled herself, wishing she didn't feel quite so ill or shaky as she stood before him.

"You look quite nice," Josephine said, though there was a brief pause at the end where she clearly hesitated in trying to decide what to address him as before deciding to let the comment stand on its own.

"Thank you. You are very kind. I appreciate your assistance making the arrangements for the festivities," Solas returned. He felt the sharp eyes of Leliana appraising him for more than his livery, however. Ignoring her gaze, he turned to his beloved. "Might I have a word in private. There is a matter we must discuss."

Josephine and Leliana both squeezed her hand and told her they would wait in her tent to help her with her ceremonial dress.

Lavellan nodded and followed him into his tent, where he set a silencing spell and a protective ward to keep others from interrupting.

When Solas finished his spells he turned to her, his face grave. "I believe I may know why you have been ill." He stepped close to her, a sadness lingering in his eyes as he lifted his fingers to touch the pendant that hovered above her heart. "In my own arrogance, I did not think my gift would protect you from the effects of medicine. I fear I have made you ill in my ignorance. But please know, it was not my intent."

She had suspected as much. Though the pendant's ability to render the blood lotus extract ineffective was a surprise. She hadn't realized he even knew she took it. She kept most of her potions and medicines out of sight.

"I'm sorry," he said, putting his hand behind his back. "I have been selfish and ignorant. I had not realized what it was I had done by asking you to wear the necklace. Or the consequences that would occur as you continued to do so."

Her heart beat faster in her chest. Did he know? Had he figured out she was pregnant?

"Zarrak snuck into your tent. I thought he was trying to poison you, but I found the elixirs and potions in your possession. I do not claim to be an expert in such a field, but I know the uses for some. You've been in pain," he said, his throat constricting on him. "And you are still recovering from the amputation. I am sorry. I did not realize my spell on your betrothal gift would counteract the medicines you've been taking."

It hadn't been quite what she expected, but the more she thought of it, the more she recalled the increased soreness of her muscles and the ineffectiveness of her favorite balm that didn't seem to soothe as well lately. And of course, the blood lotus extract. "You couldn't have known," she said.

"But I did not even consider speaking to you about it. I assumed I knew best. A folly on my part. One of many." A shadow fell across his face. "I spoke with Varric. He does not seem to approve of my plans for restoration. Nor does he believe I am worthy of being with you. A sentiment it appears many of our former companions seem to share." He did not elaborate, but he didn't need to.

She ached to see her former friends again, or to hear from them at least. But their absence was a clear enough message of disapproval.

"I do not want to cause further strife. I know the alliance with the Dalish means a great deal to us both. But I must ask you, vhenan. If this is not what you want, if you do not want to bond yourself to me, I will release you from any obligation and uphold my promises to the Dalish. I swear. You need not do anything you do not wish."

The sadness in his eyes hurt her heart. Stepping closer, she looked him in the eye. "I want to be bonded to you, Solas. Not simply because of an alliance. But because I love you. And I do not wish to be parted from you. Do you wish the same?"

"Yes," he breathed. "It may be selfish of me, but I do want you, ma vhenan. I would have you at my side."

She wanted to tell him then. But a part of her could not form the words. She was still mulling over what it meant and what her pregnancy would change. Now was not the time. "Do you still want a future with me?"

Solas slipped an arm around to her back and drew her close to him, gently tilting her chin up so he could gaze into her eyes. "Yes," he admitted, though it broke something in his voice and his heart to say it. Perhaps Varric's words still left their mark, for he could not help but feel that by saying it aloud, he was condemning her to suffer with him. She was good and kind: a heroine amongst her people. She deserved better. And then her hand touched his cheek and she brought her lips to his and he was lost again. Lost in her. Lost in his own desire. Lost in the dream of a better life.

"Good," she breathed, feeling slightly lightheaded as she pulled away from the kiss. "Because I want a future with you, Solas. And I am determined to have it." She smiled up at him, radiant and shining with determination that melted his heart.

He kissed her, a dull ache pulling from his gut as he longed to keep the moment for just a little longer.

When she pulled back, she said, "I have to go. There is still much to do before the ceremony is ready."

He watched her duck out of the tent, loving her with all his heart and wondering if his love for her was more dangerous than he realized.

Lavellan was thankful for the distraction of her friends. A few of her old friends from her clan and others arrived to help with the pre-ceremony traditions, which relied heavily on gossip, intricately braided hair, food, and wine. Leliana had brought a box of tiny cakes similar to those frilly ones found in Val Royeaux, which touched Lavellan, who was quite fond of them. A series of chocolates shaped like seashells also went around, as a tribute from Rivain that Josephine raved over. With honeyed almonds, sweet strawberries, deep purple cherries, and fluffy buns filled with dried fruits, it was easy enough for Lavellan to focus her attentions on the food as she avoided the wine.

"I love the flowers," Leliana commented, opening up the box of perfect blooms one of the elven women had brought.

"Yes, they are so lovely," Josephine said, picking up a delicate pansy and smiling at the colors. "Are you ready for your ceremonial livery now?" she said, clapping her hands together as she turned back to Lavellan.

"Definitely. I only hope it fits after I've eaten all those buns." She stepped behind the divider and carefully changed into the dress that she had asked Josephine and Leliana to bring. The soft silk felt feather light against her skin. She tested out a small range of movement with the fake limb and was pleased with the result. The long sleeves hid the false arm well so as not to draw attention to it, but allowed for freedom of movement when it came to small gestures or even motions she might use for dancing. Not that she could manage all the movements for an elven dance quite yet.

She stepped out from behind the divider and Leliana helped her with the buttons and sash. It took both Josephine and Leliana's help to tie the contoured metal bodice and greaves to her body. When she was done the shining gold and silver accent of the metalwork against the light, rippling fabric made her feel like a warrior queen of legend.

Josephine dabbed at her eyes as she watched Lavellan turn this way and that before the mirror. "Oh and to think I was worried it would clash. I was wrong. You look stunning," she said, wiping at her eyes again.

"Like a true heroine of Thedas. Although it is not the most practical set of armor. It might not stop an ax, but it should blind us all in the sun. Make sure it doesn't cook you," Leliana teased.

"I hope the ceremony doesn't get dragged out too long. I'll roast in this if the weather is unkind."

"We can serve you at the feast then. Right alongside the roast druffalo," Vina, one of her friends with freckles and auburn hair, said with a teasing wink.

"Or better yet, use it as an excuse for your partner to get you out of it," Keela, an old Dalish friend with onyx eyes and a Mythal vallaslin teased.

"Oh yes, it should certainly be memorable," the one with auburn hair giggled. "Tell us, how well-endowed is a god?" She held up her hands with a small space between them and slowly moved them apart. "No need to give precise measurements, just tell me when I get close," she teased, moving her hands further and further apart from one another.

"Why? Hoping you can get him on loan, Vina? Is your partner such a disappointment? Poor Mardren." The one with dark onyx black eyes elbowed Vina whose cheeks pinked at the comment.

"Well, Keela, you can't blame a girl for wondering. Although I've heard it's not good if a man is too big," Vina said, picking up her wine.

Keela snorted. "Definitely poor Mardren then. Don't worry, pet, it's not the size that counts. It's what a man can do with it that matters most. Well, that and his tongue."

"Or his hands," Leliana added.

"Or lips. They don't get the credit they deserve," Josephine chimed in.

"Ooo, or teeth! What? I like a little nibble. Assuming he's a gentle sort," Vina chimed back in.

"There's nothing wrong with a little roughness either," Leliana smirked. "So long as all parties agree beforehand."

"All parties? My aren't we adventurous," Lavellan laughed.

"What? You've never enjoyed more than one partner at a time? It can be quite thrilling."

"I don't think that's for me," Lavellan admitted, taking a bite of chocolate as Josephine and Vina tucked flowers into her braids.

"More's the pity. I imagine several people would have taken up the offer to bed the Inquisitor."

Lavellan chuckled, twisting one of the flowers that had fallen between her fingertips. "Oh yes. I heard all the shouts and offers on my way into Arlathvhen. Rather put me off the idea, that's for sure."

"Well, some of us are a bit more open to the idea," Leliana shrugged.

"She's always been like that. Never dated anyone until all the rest of us were on our third or fourth partner. Liddy was already married by the time you even kissed Ferran. And that didn't last long," Keela said, picking through the chocolates for a particular one.

"Oh, they never lasted long. I've never known anyone so flirty who never actually wanted to be in a relationship before," said Vina as she watched Leliana apply cosmetics to Lavellan's face.

"Yes, you really earned your reputation, playing hard to get," Keela said, pouring herself a glass of wine. "She never wanted to sleep with them. Always dumped them early on. Poor bastards."

"Did not one catch your interest long enough to enjoy yourself a little?" Leliana asked.

"They were all perfectly nice. I just wasn't… interested in sleeping with them. And that usually meant they lost interest in me. Which says more about them, I should think."

Leliana blinked in surprise. "Really? You didn't fool around with any of them? Not even a little?"

"Really. Didn't want to accidentally get pregnant," she said quietly.

Keela and Vina grew still and exchanged a glance.

"Well, blood lotus extract can take care of that," Leliana said, a gentle tone in her voice. "If you didn't want to keep a baby." She was careful not to lift her gaze from her work and keep her voice free of any clues as she said it.

"I know," Lavellan whispered. "But I didn't want to take any chances. My mother died in childbirth. I was too afraid to risk it."

Leliana and Josephine looked up at one another. Josephine spoke first. "I am so sorry. That must have been terrible."

Leliana squeezed her shoulder reassuringly; a subtle enough gesture that her friends would not notice.

"Well. The Ambassador here left a lot of broken hearts behind," Vina said, changing the conversation slightly to pick up the mood.

"I still think Ferran carries a torch for you. Shame. Bet he's livid you're bonding to a god. What man can compare there?" Keela said with a grin.

"I heard that Varitan thought he could. Oh, the bloated balls on that fool. Heard Fen'Harel schooled him easily enough though," Vina added. "His poor partner. Such a shame. All these years and still childless and that's how he treats her? Bury that idiot in the ground when they find him, I say."

"Tell us about the fight. I heard Fen'Harel turned into a wolf and nearly snapped his leg off with a single bite," said Keela eagerly, sipping her wine.

"Well that definitely didn't happen. He did not turn into a wolf. He didn't even use magic at all to honor our traditions. Varitan was cocky and overconfident. And he played dirty. The fight didn't last long, and he fell to the dust on his sorry ass."

They asked for more detail and she reluctantly recounted the fight and the pointless arguments leading up to it. By the time she had finished all four were shaking their heads from second-hand irritation.

"Some men just can't get it through their heads when a person isn't interested in them," Josephine said in frustration, angrily picking at a frayed thread on her sleeve.

"It's like they think we're simply objects with no minds of our own," Keela drawled, taking a hearty swig from her wine.

"At least not all men are like that," Vina said. "My partner isn't. He's always been good to me."

"And this man or god you're bonding with, he's good to you… right?" Keela asked hesitantly.

"Yes. He's a good man," Lavellan said softly. She noticed Leliana press her lips together, but she did not say anything, whatever her private thoughts were.

"And a lucky one," Josephine added, fastening a silver and gold metal band around Lavellan's upper arm. "I think that's the final touch. Would you like one last look before we head to the Grand Arch? There are a few last minute arrangements I would like to check on for the festivities."

Lavellan stood and looked at herself in the mirror, admiring the transformation. She didn't quite feel like herself, staring back at this figure of remarkable beauty, like a statue of an ancient heroine come to life. The image made her feel more confident. Emboldened, she nodded to the other ladies and set out of the tent, ready to face the day.