Chapter 18: Fatherhood

The light of dawn streamed in through the window and twittering birds woke Solas from a most blissful sleep. He rolled over, smiling to himself when he saw the sleeping figure next to him. She cuddled against the covers on her side, leaving most of her upper body bare to elements. Turning on his side, but careful as not to wake her, he watched her sleep, remembering with fondness the events of the night before. Each emotion, feeling, and sensation had been so much more intense.

A part of him regretted not telling her about the eluvian sooner (although at one point he felt he could wait no longer and tried, but failed) as it would have meant more opportunities to spend time alone with her, but still, the less others knew about the eluvians, the better. He hoped that the Sentinels had taken care to protect the tent in shifts and keep any nosey people away before they returned. Based on the light streaming in, they might be able to spare an hour for more… pleasurable activities. Even the position they were in now would make for a seamless transition. If she parted her legs and he adjusted the angle, he could slip inside her and reach around to touch her or graze her breasts…

His eyes traveled along, pausing at each freckle and scar until he noticed something… off. It took a moment for him to realize, but her breasts seemed slightly rounder than usual and her nipples were a darker shade as well. Several thoughts passed through his mind at once and he recalled with a sudden heightened panic how ill she had been lately. Zarrak had said he suspected Solas was the person responsible for her poisoning, revealing the problem with the protective spells on the necklace in conjunction with her medicines. In his mind, he tried to recall all of them. One stood out. The bottle Zarrak had held in his hand: blood lotus extract. One that could have easily been replaced with black lotus extract, but that was not the case. No. Nor were the other medicines for her arm. He knew of blood lotus extract. So named for its use in preventing and ending pregnancy; to bring on a woman's blood. If she had been taking it as a preventative measure and the necklace nullified the effects…

Careful, so as not to wake her, he reached out, his hand aglow, letting it hover just below her navel. If it was true, he should be able to sense-

That. There. A small, tiny flicker.

Solas covered his mouth with his hand, heart pounding in his chest. She was pregnant. Not very far along, but definitely carrying.

He counted backwards. When was the last time they had slept together? One week? Three weeks? And then a couple weeks before that. It could have happened on the night he gave her the necklace. Or afterwards, before they left for Arlathvhen. But… was it possible this was not his doing? Had she slept with someone before arriving? It was not likely. He had sensed no lie in her admission that she had not been with anyone since him. Even the memory in the Fade at Skyhold corroborated that assertion. If she had been truthful, then that meant that he had fathered the fetus now growing in her womb.

A strange sort of terror swept through Solas. He had even had doubts about his ability to father a child with a woman from this time. Genetics changed and adapted and he had never sired a child before. She herself had admitted doubt about her ability to have a child, given her mother's history and death. They had talked about preventative measures briefly, years ago, when they had first started sleeping together. But that didn't matter now. The necklace he had given her was designed to prevent toxic effects from ingesting certain poisons. But poison was a perspective. Many medicines had toxic side effects. Blood lotus extract was one such medicine that altered a woman's natural cycle, and thus when the necklace prevented it from working… impacted fertility.

New worries passed through his mind along with a growing sense of guilt and fear. He knew Lavellan's mother had passed away in childbirth and many other women often died from complications related to pregnancy. It already made her dreadfully ill. With her body weakened from the loss of the arm or the damage of the anchor could pregnancy cause additional problems? Would she even be able to carry to term? And if so, would she survive to raise her baby? Cold dread filled his heart.

A baby. He had told her before he wanted a life and a family with her. In his heart, in a secret place he only visited when he felt strong enough, he wished for that chance to be a father and create a loving home with his family. But that was in the distant future, if he survived the trials ahead and was able to defeat the Evanuris. A child… a child now… He was putting her and their child in danger with his plans.

And the child, if it lived, would it be born mortal like her? Or would it be like him? Though he had been with women before, he had never fathered or raised a child. It had not been a part of his plan for himself. Others needed him and a family was not something he had considered. A partner was one thing, but a family was an entirely different dynamic; one that brought with it additional responsibility.

A thousand other thoughts ran through his head as he watched her sleep, and though his worry roiled in his stomach, watching the gentle rise and fall of her shoulders as she slept kept him centered. Reaching over with the same spell as before, he felt for the small flicker; the tiny pulse of possibility growing in his partner's womb. It calmed him somehow with that steady rhythm like the vibration of a drum. He kept his hand there, lost in his thoughts.

Lavellan awoke to a strange feeling. At first she thought the sheet was tickling her, but when she went to pull it up, she realized it wasn't the sheet at all. Solas was awake and his hand hovered just above her stomach, glowing softly with a magical light. The light faded and Solas rested his hand on her stomach. "You are pregnant," he said, his voice quiet, studying her face.

She nodded. And then she burst into tears.

All the fear and terror that she had kept at bay poured forth at once. Sobs choked her and she buried her face in the covers.

Solas felt her torment. Each emotion scrambled together, just as painful and poignant as his own. But there was guilt too. And a terror greater than his own, shaking her down to the bone. He moved his hand from her stomach, brushing her hair back behind her ear and curling himself around her protectively. Despite all that he felt, he knew her pain was worse and he could not bear to see her suffer. Wrapping his arm around her, he held her tight and kissed her shoulder until the sobs subsided.

She rolled over to face him, eyes red and swollen from her tears. "I'm so sorry," she whispered as a shuddering breath wracked through her body. "I didn't mean to. It wasn't on purpose. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

He wiped her tears away with his thumb. "Do not apologize. It is not your fault. The fault is mine. I did not realize the effect that the charm on the necklace would have. I did not realize it would affect your medicine for your cycle. I swear it. I-" he cut off, as his own fear and guilt constricted his throat. He shook his head and tried to take a steadying breath. "I lay with you, knowing there is always a risk it could happen. You would not be pregnant had I kept my distance. Ir abelas, vhenan. I did not intend it, I swear."

Tears trailed down her cheeks. "I didn't want it to happen this way. I took blood lotus extract every day, on time, I swear, I didn't-I never meant-"

"I know." He rubbed her cheek with his thumb, clearing away the fresh tears.

Her lip wobbled and she felt the sobs returning. But she had to tell him. She had to. He had to know. "I'm really scared."

He pressed a kiss to her forehead as the sobs shook through her body. "I know, vhenan. I know."

It was not a fear she spoke aloud, not even to him. But he felt that fear, bone deep, etched in memories filled with blood and helplessness. Her mother had died in childbirth, as had the child she carried. The healers could do nothing and she bled and bled and there was nothing she could do to stop it or save her. She had walked away from relationships in her early adulthood when her partners pushed her for more intimacy than she was willing to give. She was terrified of being pregnant; terrified of dying from her body's attempt to create life and bring it into this world.

Solas held her until the sobs died down, slowly stroking her hair and her arm in a soothing motion. "How long have you known?" he asked, keeping his voice as steady as he could manage.

"I only found out yesterday. When we went to the hot springs. Merrill-and I think Leliana and Josephine-noticed and said something," she said, her voice pained. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner."

Part of him was angry at her for keeping the information from him. But through the bond he felt her inner turmoil as she relived her thoughts and knew she hadn't done it to hurt him.

"I just-I couldn't accept it. All I wanted to do was pretend it wasn't real. I don't know what to do, Solas. I didn't plan on this," she said, rubbing her eyes and sniffing.

Solas was quiet. He didn't know what the best course of action was, nor did he feel it was his place to do so. Either way, he felt afraid for her. "You have time to take it in and think about what you want to do. No matter what you decide, I will be there with you, every step of the way. I promise, vhenan." He pressed his forehead to hers and held her hand. Whatever happened, whatever came next, they had promised to walk down the path together.

Leliana, Josephine, and Keela were waiting by the campfire when Lavellan came back through the tent. They were all wearing garlands around their necks from the leftover decorations of the night before.

Leliana stood up to greet her, holding a matching garland necklace in hand, which she draped around her neck. "I don't mean to be rude, but you look rather miserable coming off your bonding night," she said quietly.

Lavellan looked up at her, eyes still red and raw from crying. "I told him."

She did not need to elaborate. Leliana understood and rubbed her shoulder in a comforting gesture. "Well, if it helps, your reception was quite the success. Everyone drank and danced most of the night. Apparently, according to one wise old woman, your effigy burned for a long time, which is a sign of a long and happy life together."

Lavellan tried to give a half-hearted smile, but it disappeared quickly.

"Are you alright? Is there anything I can do?"

Lavellan handed back the garland, shaking her head and backing away. "I'm going to be sick." And sure enough, she made it to a clay pot just in time.

She was sick several more times, including twice on the way over to the amphitheater. Solas stopped to braid her hair back away from her face after that.

"Eat," he instructed, handing her a piece of bread. "When you can manage it, that is. It should help. And you will need your strength today." He recalled all too well how she had fainted not far from here only a couple of days ago. Today would be difficult. Not only were they instructing the Keepers how to remove the vallaslin, but they were also participating in the sentencing for both Varitan and her father for their crimes.

A few smaller items were dealt with first by the Council, but then Solas was called forward to demonstrate the spell to remove the vallaslin. For the Keepers, most did not possess a great deal of raw, natural power. Some could not perform the spell after numerous attempts. A select few did manage it in the end, and though it was not as many as Solas would have liked, it was a start. Alarion surprised him as one such person who had the most ease with the spell, but when Solas offered praise for his aptitude, the Peace Keeper merely shrugged.

When it came time to attend to the criminals and assess punishment, the mood around the pavilion grew somber. Apparently, if a person committed crimes that needed to be brought forward at such a time, then the crimes were grave indeed, as most lesser crimes were dealt with by the clan's keeper individually. Solas had passed sentences on men and women before. He had watched the Inquisitor sentence criminals as well. Though he did not always agree with her, he did respect the fairness of her reasoning. But today, sitting as a wronged party, he feared what form Dalish justice would take.

The first person called forth was a warrior from Clan Sabrae and Clan Salen'hallar's keeper. The warrior had led a raid and made off with Clan Salen'hallar's halla, which was an act of war. The clan leader demanded the halla be returned, but the warrior responsible and the other clan's leader had refused. There was some debate and a few questions asked by the keepers, but when it came time to judge, the warrior accepted full fault and was taken away.

The second case brought forward included two familiar faces. Allendra, Varitan's partner, requested that her union be annulled. Apparently she sought an annulment from their clan leader, but it was not granted, and for that she sought the Council's opinion to overrule his decision. This also included her grievance against Clan Lavellan's keeper, Ferran, who had interfered with her relationship by colluding with her partner and Haladavar to annul her bond in secret, without her consent.

After listening to Allendra, the Council voted and overruled her clan leader's decision, thus granting her the annulment from Varitan. Clan Lavellan's keeper, however, made the case that the agreement existed prior to Varitan's bond to Allendra, and thus he had done nothing wrong. He then demanded a 'trial by the gods' which caused a murmur amongst the other observers.

Taking note of the shift, but not quite understanding what it meant, Solas turned to his partner. "What is the 'trial of the gods'?" he asked.

Lavellan frowned, rubbing her chin. "It's similar to what Varitan did with you, claiming to be the wronged party. Essentially, it's a fight. Both parties are given weapons to provide a fairer fight and then similar rules apply for cheating and whatnot. Then they fight. Winner is whoever draws first blood, or… whoever is left standing. The idea is that the winner is decided by the gods, but in reality, it is typically decided by the better fighter."

"I am surprised you did not challenge Ferran yourself then. It would have been satisfying to watch, I imagine," he remarked, eyeing the man with displeasure as he picked his weapon.

"You could have as well. He insulted your claim for my hand by trying to prevent our bonding."

"It would not have been wise. Though perhaps we may see satisfaction with Allendra's fight."

"May the powers that be favor her," Lavellan said with a sigh as Allendra picked up two daggers.

"Do you know if Ferran is a skilled fighter?"

"Not with a polearm, I'm guessing. Magic, yes. But it looks like Allendra may have the advantage."

The fight began. Ferran was not unskilled with a polearm afterall, but it appeared he had not fought many rogues with daggers before. He kept her at bay for a while as she dashed in, trying to get in under his guard, but he was able to maintain enough distance that she was not able to get close. She darted forward and he defended, leaping out of the way, but then she threw one of the daggers at him. He dodged it just in time, but Allendra had used the throw as a distraction and cut in under his guard, slashing at his wrist and chest. He dropped the polearm to the ground with a clatter and she kicked him onto his back, standing above him, dagger raised in a fist trembling in fury. For a moment it seemed she was going to plunge it down into his chest, but she screamed and gave him a swift kick in the gut instead.

The match was called and Ferran was attended to by a healer. "I suppose that answers that," Lavellan commented with another sigh. She was dreading what was coming and it did little to settle her stomach. The Council read out the crimes of the next man, who had taken coin in exchange for selling his child to a slaver. When Solas asked what the typical punishment was for such a crime, she told him. "Execution." She did not want to hear any more. Rising, she told Solas she needed a break and disappeared for a time.

In truth, she did not go far. The whole time she watched Allendra's fight, she felt physically ill. With everything that had happened, not just with Varitan and her father, but with the pregnancy as well, she didn't know how to feel about any of it. Little by little, she was losing the people who had once been her support. Her father, her keeper, her friends from her clan, and even her companions from the Inquisition… she was losing everyone. She had Solas, and some friends still remained, but she wasn't just losing relationships that mattered to her. She was losing her sense of self too. When she had set out, she'd had a plan. She'd followed it too. And now everything was different. And she had never felt so alone in her fear. She wasn't ready to watch her father be brought up in chains. She wasn't ready to lose her faith that things could change and be better between them. She just wanted it all to stop.

"Are you feeling ill?"

She glanced up to see Leliana standing there with her hands behind her back, resting against a tree. "Of course," she grimaced.

Leliana bent down and offered her some water, but she shook her head. "Not just now. It will only come back up," she groaned, leaning her head against the stone wall behind her.

A ruling was called from behind them as the man was sentenced to death for his crime. Lavellan grimaced and dug her fingers into the grass to root her thoughts elsewhere.

"The Dalish do not let outsiders attend such events, but I was curious to know what their justice system is like. It seems there is no place in this world where people live in peace," Leliana commented.

Lavellan snorted. "Was there any doubt on that? I have seen much of Thedas. I have yet to see it peaceful anywhere. There's always something, isn't there?"

"I suppose that is true. I cannot say I have seen much of peace myself."

"Do you think it is possible?"

A sound came then, unmistakable as blade cut through flesh. Some of the crowd cheered. Leliana winced, but did not say anything in response. The beheading was answer enough.

Lavellan felt a fresh wave of nausea come over her and doubled over. When it passed she rocked back on her heels, taking slow and steadying breaths. She wiped the sweat and tears away from the corner of her eyes.

"I think we do the best we can. But it is always a fight, isn't it?" Leliana leaned against the wall and sat down beside her.

"Do you ever get tired of fighting?"

"Yes," Leliana answered honestly. "Sometimes I just want to sit down and rest."

But this was not a day of rest. A few others were sentenced and then she heard Varitan's name called and rose, leaving Leliana with a bitter grimace as she walked inside. Taking her place on the central floor, she did her best not to let her queasiness affect her, but the red stain upon the stone only a few meters to her left did not help matters. Solas joined her and she felt a small bit of relief not to be standing alone.

"Well, I think we all know why you're here," the presiding keeper said dryly as Varitan was brought up on the other side of the stage. "You are hereby accused of attempting to assassinate the Ambassador of the Council of Clans and Fen'Harel yesterday during their bonding ceremony. Considering that half of all the Dalish witnessed the event, there is little doubt of your guilt. Do you have anything to say in your defense?"

A vein pulsed in Varitan's forehead. "I tried to do what all you cowards are too afraid to even attempt. You let the Dread Wolf into our midst, let him steal one of our own, the woman who should have been mine, yet none of you keepers did anything to stop him! I don't know what kind of deal you struck, but it must have cost you all your minds. He is our enemy. He is the god who tricked all the others and cost us our power. But look at you. All of you have been corrupted by his lies," he spat on the ground before the council's seats, raising his chin in defiance. "I saw the truth. I was not corrupted as you are now. I tried to save the woman who should have been mine from a fate worse than death! I tried to kill the Dread Wolf before he comes for us all! I do not deny it, for I did what was right and honorable for the people. A duty you all have abandoned." He curled his hands into fists, sneering at them.

A few of the keepers looked at one another nervously. "Very well," the presiding keeper said with a look of disdain. Then he turned to Solas and Lavellan. "And as the wronged parties, given his admission of guilt, what is your request for sentencing?"

Swallowing the lump in her throat, Lavellan stepped forward, bowing her head. "I request that he be exiled. He has brought shame to the people and refuses to see the error of his ways. I doubt he will ever change." With that, she stepped back, once again bowing her head respectfully. She could feel Varitan's sneer as his eyes glared at her with a cruel fire.

The presiding keeper nodded and then turned to Solas for his response.

Solas stepped forward, bowing his head to the Council as well. "I agree that Varitan has acted dishonorably. He has failed to listen to reason and proven himself to be a threat to those with whom he does not agree. I believe he poses a danger. I request that he be sentenced to death."

Murmurs went up around the crowd. Lavellan turned to her partner in shock. Rarely did Solas believe that execution was the best course of action. The keeper nodded and dismissed them from the stage.

Once they were seated, Lavellan found her voice. "Is exile not enough? You would rather he die?"

"His arrow could have just as easily struck your heart. And now he will have more reason to try again. No. So long as he lives, he is a danger to you. That I will not allow." He kept his voice low and steady.

"If they execute him, Allendra will have to watch him die," she said in a grave whisper. Allendra was seated on the opposite side of the stands, knuckles white from gripping her knees.

"She annulled their bond this morning for his betrayal. She has already separated herself from him," Solas replied.

A horrible sinking feeling filled her stomach. "Just because he betrayed her doesn't mean she still doesn't love him," she said, as a hollow echo of sorrow wrapped around her heart.

Solas felt it too then and realized why she did not approve of his choice. She knew what it was like to love someone who had betrayed her. Someone who others would have gladly sent to the executioner's block. But it was too late to take back his words. The Council had already finished conferring.

Lavellan's heart stuck in her throat.

"You are to be exiled for your crimes."

Lavellan glanced over her shoulder. Allendra's head fell as sobs wracked through her body, thankful that she would not have to witness his death.

Solas, however, shook his head. "He may try again."

"I know," Lavellan said softly. She knew this meant they both had an enemy to watch out for now.

A woman was brought forward and sentenced to exile as well for her crimes and then after her the moment Lavellan had feared arrived as her father's name was called.

"Haladavar of Clan Lavellan. You were caught attempting to kidnap your own daughter, the Lady Ambassador, yesterday, attacking and injuring two guards. There are several witnesses to the crimes. What do you have to say in your defense?"

Her father bore a similar expression and stance as Varitan, grinding his teeth. But it was not at the Council he glared at. No, his hateful gaze was turned on her. "I did my duty as a father and tried to save my daughter from the Dread Wolf. I deny guilt in these accusations against me. I demand a trial by the gods. Some of us have not turned our backs on them," he growled.

Lavellan's heart sank. "You would rather fight me, your own daughter, than admit your crime?" she asked, aghast.

"I would rather see you dead. Now that the Dread Wolf has taken you, there's no saving you. My daughter is already gone."

She staggered back as if struck. Her shock turned to rage and hurt as tears burned at the corner or her eyes. "You don't mean that. I am still me." She shook her head angrily, blinking back the tears.

"No. You're just the Dread Wolf's thrall now." He turned back to the Council as if he had not just ripped her heart from her chest. "I demand the fight be fair. No magic. Sword and shield. I will fight what was once my daughter."

"No!" Solas shouted, rushing from the stands to the stage. "He cannot do this. It would never be a fair fight."

Lavellan put her hand on his arm. "He can. I'm the one who accused him of the crime. He has the right to challenge me and demand a trial of the gods."

"She is correct," Alarion said, though his frown indicated it left a bitter taste in his mouth.

Solas turned back to his beloved, touching her cheek. "But your… condition. You are not well."

She covered his hand with her own. "It does not matter. I am able bodied enough."

Solas shook his head and turned back to the Council. "I demand to stand in her place. This fight is unfair. They are not equally matched. Please, she has but one arm-"

"Then I will fight with one weapon. Sword only," Haladavar said, rubbing his wrists and selecting his weapon now that the shackles had been removed.

She brought Solas's hand down and squeezed it reassuringly, though she did not know how she was supposed to find the strength to fight her own father. "I'm sorry. But it has to be this way."

His feet moved of their own accord as he drew back with a solemn expression. All the while, his heart pounded fearfully in his chest. He knew she was a capable fighter, but her strength was in magic. And against her father… He could tell by the look on her face that she was having trouble summoning the will to fight him. Her hand finally reached for a weapon on the table, but all she took was a shield. His heart sank. Where she had reservations, Haladavar certainly did not.

Lavellan faced her father, holding the shield on her right arm. It felt awkward there; she did not use shields often, but when she had, it had always been on the left arm. But she would need that arm most to defend herself. She looked across the stage at her father. "I do not wish to fight you, father. Please, do not do this," she begged.

Instead, he raised his sword and charged. "You. Are. Not. My. Daughter!" he bellowed, slashing at her and hitting the shield with each word.

The shield rattled her arm with each punishing strike. Unable to take the pain, she dodged and leapt back. He charged at her and landed a crushing blow to her arm that tore several muscles from the brunt of it. She cried out, but her father was unmoved. His eyes were cold and heartless as he came for her. She raised her shield to block, but he grabbed it with his free hand and wrenched it away. Reacting just in time, the wooden arm shot up and grabbed the blade of the sword. For a normal hand, it would have meant she lost her fingers and very well the use of the hand, but the prosthesis was able to grip it without feeling pain. The blade cut into the wood, slipping towards her, ever so slightly. Gritting her teeth, she felt her knees buckle under the weight and size of her opponent. "Please. Father, please. Don't-"

She let out an agonized shriek as he twisted the shield, bending her arm back. Using the opening, he kicked her in the chest, knocking her down to the ground, hard. The wind left her lungs and she struggled to breathe as he pressed down upon her, struggling to force the sword down upon her. There, in his eyes, she saw that he truly meant to kill her.

And then the weight lifted off her chest as her father was blown backwards. She blinked in astonishment as everything around her grew dark. A storm crackled overhead. The people in the stands shrieked and some ran for cover. Across the stage, she saw what had frightened them: Solas held her father in midair, hovering and convulsing as static rippled over his body. Solas's eyes glowed a deep red and she felt a dark and familiar presence emanating from him and her limbs grew cold: the Dread Wolf. When he spoke, his voice was not the same. It crackled like glacial ice, deep and foreboding. "You demanded a trial by the gods, Haladavar, and you have been found guilty. I, Fen'Harel, sentence you to exile, never to return. Run, and pray that I never find you." He flung his hand and Haladavar went flying off the stage, hitting the stone wall and crumpling.

Icy terror cut through her veins and despite her injuries, she ripped off the shield and leapt to her feet, running as fast as her feet would carry her. She threw herself at him, wrapping her wooden arm around Solas's torso, anchoring him to her. "Stop! You have to stop!"

The moment he felt her presence, he felt his spirit pulled back to himself. The magic in the air dissipated and he grabbed her hand, rooting himself in his body and forcing his mind to close, cutting off the Dread Wolf's influence. He released his spells and when the clouds and unnatural fog disappeared, Haladavar was gone. Solas turned to find his beloved's face fraught with concern and terror. Before the Council or anyone else recovered enough to object, Solas scooped up his partner into his arms as gently as he could and carried her away to tend to her injuries. He did not care what the Council had to say or who he had frightened or offended. All he cared about was her well-being. She was all that mattered.

The infirmary tent flaps parted for him and he placed his beloved on a free cot. A healer came forward to offer assistance, but he refused the offer, still seething with anger. Evidently, his anger was so palpable that the healer excused herself and left the tent rather hurriedly. It didn't matter. He intended to heal her himself anyway.

Lavellan watched him, afraid he might look up at her with the glowing eyes of the Dread Wolf. And yet, when he did look up at her, his eyes were his own pale gray. But there was rage behind them. And anger. And fury. And hatred.

"You shouldn't have done that," he said in a low voice, strained in an effort to keep from losing his temper.

She looked away as his hand glowed, hovering above her arm to heal her. "I couldn't refuse the fight. And I couldn't fight him. What was I supposed to do?"

"Fight back!" he yelled, slamming a sparking fist down onto the table. "The fact that he is your father would not have prevented him from killing you!" He regretted it the instant the outburst came out, but there was no taking it back.

She flinched as if struck, for the cruel truth in his words. Some part of her had known it. She had seen it in his eyes. That hatred. She wasn't his daughter anymore. She wasn't even a person to him.

Solas turned away from her, ashamed. Yet the icy, fearful fury still lingered in his veins. When he spoke, his voice was low and pained. "I could not let him harm you, vhenan. Or our child." He held his hand over her stomach, sensing for the soft flicker. When he found it, relief washed over him. The moment when her father kicked her down, something in him had snapped. Even though he knew he had made the better choice in exiling him, a part of him believed that it would have been wiser to kill him. How could a man do that to his own daughter? To step on her like she was an insect? Not even when she chose only a shield to defend herself did he hesitate in his own judgement.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I thought…" She trailed off as her chin began to wobble and her throat constricted.

"You wanted to believe the best in him," Solas finished, his eyes full of somber sorrow. "Like you do with others. I know you always want to believe the best in people, vhenan, but not all deserve the chance."

Reaching with her wooden arm, she took his hand in hers and looked him in the eye. "Some people do," she said softly.

Her father disappeared from Arlathvhen and was not seen again, though as to where he went, few could say. Varitan likewise disappeared into exile, yet this did little to assuage the prickling feeling Lavellan sometimes felt at the base of her neck. No matter where she turned over the remaining days of Arlathvhen, she could not help but feel like she was being watched. But every time she turned to look, no one was there.

By the time they returned to Mercy's Rest, she was grateful to have walls at her back once more. And yet her fears were not entirely gone. The damage to her hand was proof enough of just how close she had come to a grim fate.

Solas, in his own pessimistic view, doubted that Haladavar would stay away forever. Even Varitan posed some threat as well. He felt his partner's unease in combination with his own. And yet it was more than that which he felt from her. Ever since the fight with her father, a sense of despair had lingered within her heart. Though he tried to demonstrate his love and support for her, he knew there was nothing he could do to make up for the loss of her relationship with her father. Despite their strained past, he knew she had hoped there might come a day for reconciliation. Now, however, that hope dwindled down to nothingness.

It hurt him to see that hopeful ray of light die within her eyes. He had always assumed her to be unshakable in her optimism, even when the odds were stacked against her. But this loss… It wounded her in a way he did not know how to heal. He was not a person of unshakable faith as she was. To restore something in her that eluded him seemed impossible. Her arm he could heal easily enough. A few sessions was all it took to repair torn ligaments and muscle. But a cloud lingered around her heart like a private storm, warring upon herself.

As they lay together in bed after their first night back at Mercy's Rest, he slipped his hand around her, lingering on her hip until he was certain he had not woken her. And then he moved his hand to her stomach and felt for the familiar flicker with a spell. Each time he found it a small sense of relief flooded through his heart. He had been worried her fight with her father might have caused unseen damage and yet all appeared to be well with her pregnancy. She had not given him an answer as to her decision and he did not pry, but the longer he held her in his arms, the more comfortable he became with the idea of a family. And the flicker within her womb… That small flutter of possibility stoked something within him: hope. The thought brought a smile to his lips. How like her, his love, to make him feel this way.

"You know, I can feel it when you do that," she said sleepily, opening her eyes a crack to peer over at him.

The light of the spell faded and he withdrew his hand. "My apologies. I did not mean to disturb your rest," he said, kissing her shoulder and pulling the blankets up over her.

"Hmpf." She eyed him warily. "Well, you did. And I was having a most delightful dream as well. We were dancing on the ramparts back at Skyhold and it rained stars down all around us." She turned around and stretched, nuzzling closer to him.

He sat up and she groaned, having just found a comfortable position. When he pulled back the covers she shivered and propped herself up on her elbow. "Why are you…?" she blinked at him as he offered her his hand.

"Come. Dance with me," he said, kissing her forehead.

Despite her sleepiness, she smiled at him and accepted and he pulled her to her feet, bringing her in flush against his body.

She smiled and chuckled as they began to sway. She rested her head against his shoulder, still not one hundred percent awake yet.

Solas hummed a familiar tune, the very same lullaby she had hummed when they danced in her room at the Winter Palace.

Lavellan lifted her chin to look at him, a small smile playing on her lips. "You remembered?"

"Yes," he said, kissing her cheek. When he pulled back, she chuckled. "Does that amuse you?"

She shook her head, still suppressing her giggle. "Well, maybe a little. Do you know the song?"

"As I recall, you refused to sing it for me."

"It's called 'The Wolf's Lament' and it's about a girl who befriends a wolf. Each night she steals a part of her dinner and leaves it for the wolf to find. And the wolf follows her and her clan as they move from place to place. But when the parents see the wolf they drive it off with fire and swords. When they return to their camp, the girl is gone. And then they hear the cry of the wolf howling sorrowfully into the night. The ending is left ambiguous. The girl simply disappears. Some think it's because the wolf ate her. But in other versions she becomes the wolf who howls at the end. It depends on the moral you want, I suppose," she explained, still wearing an amused grin on her face. "Kind of ironic, looking back on it."

Solas shook his head at her, grinning down at her. "I see no tail," he mused, pinching her bottom.

She playfully batted him and he pulled her closer, humming the melody once more. Falling into a state of comfortable bliss, she hummed along with him as he spun her in and out in the moonlight. When she twirled back in, he rested his chin upon her shoulder, wrapping his arms around her middle. In his arms, she felt safe and a calm she had not felt in some time settled over her mind. Gathering her courage, she whispered her thoughts in the quiet of the night. "A baby would be a complication in your plans. In our plans."

Solas paused for a moment, surprised to hear her mention it. She had not said a word about it since he found out. "Yes," he said softly. "But we have always dealt with complications together. So I will stand with you, vhenan. Whatever your choice."

"Can you show me the spell? The one you used earlier?" she asked, her voice faint.

Taking her hand in his, he guided it down over her belly and their entwined hands glowed. "Like this, vhenan," he showed her, touching just where he could sense the tiny flicker.

She held her breath, searching, but when she felt the same small fluttering movement she gasped in surprise. "It's that, just there, isn't it? Oh, that feels strange…" She moved her hand slowly over from one side to the other. "It's like… a tiny lightning bug. Have you seen them? They're more common near the Arbor Wilds. They look like little stars at night, pulsing just… like this." Her fingertips bumped against his and she slowly interlaced them. "I've been afraid of this. For so long, the thought of becoming pregnant terrified me. And even now I find myself afraid. But it's different now. I'm afraid to want it. Because… I know it might not happen even if I do."

Solas kissed the top of her head. "I will keep you safe, vhenan."

"I know. But I don't think I can get rid of my fear, any more than I can get rid of my hope that it might all work out. How do I carry all that? How does anyone do this? Make this choice?"

"Listen to your heart," he whispered, holding her tight.

"I'm afraid," she repeated. "I'm afraid to want a baby. But I do want it, Solas. Is that… Do you want it as well?" she whispered, her throat constricting nervously as she posed the question to him, afraid of the answer.

"I will support you no matter what, vhenan. And I stand by what I said before, in the grove. I want a family with you. And you are my family. Whatever form it takes, I will love it with all my heart."

Tears she had not realized she held back spilled from the corners of her eyes, down her cheeks. And when she breathed in, ragged and torn, she felt like she had just come up from underwater, lungs gasping for air they had been deprived from for far too long. But she breathed. And he held her. Despite her fears, in that moment, the possibility of having the baby did not feel so terrifying.