Chapter 19: A Return to Skyhold
"You should bring a guard with you," Solas repeated for the seventh time that morning.
"You are welcome to come with me yourself if you are so worried," she reminded him, pulling on her boots.
"I cannot. You know I have work to do. Besides, I am certain it would be best if I not return to Skyhold. I would not wish to damage the Inquisition's image with my presence," he said, pulling out a few items to wear for his mission later.
One of the items he set out on the bed caught her eye and she picked it up, holding it like a smelly fish, a safe distance away from her. "What is this?" she asked, as it rotated like a dead spider.
"A wig. I told you before, this is for a reconnaissance mission. I am going in disguise," he said.
She stared at the horrid mess of blond hair woven together and back at him. "Do me a favor and never wear this in front of me. Especially not in bed. I much prefer you bald."
Solas picked up the wig and fixed the stray hairs. It was one of the finest wigs money could buy. And where he was going he didn't want to be recognized. "Would you rather I wore a hat instead?"
She made a face, recalling a few of the hats he had worn during their time together. She bore a special hatred for the hat he wore at Halamshiral. "Not really. What about a nice hooded cloak instead? Isn't that the ideal garb for all mysterious spies?" she asked, eyeing the handsome one hanging in the wardrobe.
"The point is not to be recognized as a spy," he said, affixing the wig and adjusting the hairs.
It took considerable effort for her to avoid frowning in disgust. Blond was not his coloring at all. "Are you sure you don't want me to come with you? I could be of use, you know."
"You need to get your arm replaced. It keeps twitching when you pick up a butter knife and it's dangerous."
"I might be able to speak with Leliana while I'm at Skyhold. She might know something or I could-"
"-No. I will manage on my own."
"But if you just told me what it was you're looking for-"
"-No, vhenan. I will not cause you any undo stress or involve the Inquisition. This is my task. I will see it through," he said with finality, as if that ever worked.
"I'm your partner. I can help you. Besides, you refusing to tell me what it is you're out doing is much more stressful than not knowing. So you might as well tell me."
He shook his head and kissed her cheek. "No."
"Well now I'm going to assume the worst. You're not going on a mission at all, you're just visiting brothels."
He shrugged on a shabby traveling cloak with faded blue velvet lining. "You are most amusing, vhenan," he said, picking up a lute and strapping it to his back. Once he was finished and happy with the ensemble he kissed the top of her head as she crossed her arms grouchily. "Take a guard with you. I don't trust that Crow alone with you.."
"We're traveling through an eluvian. He won't have time to kill me."
"I'm not taking chances. Pick your guard or I'm assigning a whole platoon to take you to Skyhold."
"Threaten all you like, I'm not taking an escort with me to get my new arm fitted. Now let me kiss you before I go."
Although he looked rather irritated, he did slip his arm around her and lower his lips to meet hers. However, he caught her hand, which was trying to sneak up to pull off the wig and when he pulled back, he gave her a disapproving look.
She narrowed her eyes at him, but the sly smile told him she did not mind being caught. "Fine. I will get it off of you. Perhaps later, once you've returned. Along with the rest of your clothing."
"Do you find it so unappealing?"
"I find the idea of you naked more appealing," she shrugged, kissing him on the cheek before leaving the bedroom.
An eluvian towered overhead in the dark recesses of a secret room few were privileged enough to know about. It was through this eluvian that they had traveled before, returning from Arlathvhen. A guard was waiting for her, or perhaps keeping an eye on Zarrak, who was already there, glancing about suspiciously. Lavellan frowned when she saw the guard, but did not comment.
"And so now we are to go to Skyhold, yes?" the former Crow said more than asked. He bowed to her and she raised an eyebrow at him. "What? I thought it best to pay respect. Wouldn't want my friend here to get the wrong idea," he said, smiling behind him at the guard.
"Right. They should be expecting us," she said, activating the eluvian with a spell and glancing at Zarrak's attire and his small bag of possessions. "It will be a bit cold once we get there. I'll find you a spare cloak though."
"Ladies first," he gestured, waving his hand towards the eluvian.
"We shall go together," she said, then, turning, she held up her hand to stop the guard. "We will not need to be accompanied. You are relieved from duty for today," she instructed, though the guard opened his mouth to argue. Before she could hear his protests, she pushed Zarrak through the eluvian and sealed it behind her.
The Crossroads held an eerie quiet as they stepped out into the remains of shattered eluvians.
Zarrak swore under his breath, whispering as if he too felt the pressing influence of the still quiet surrounding them. "What is this place?"
"The Crossroads. A method for traveling from place to place used by the ancient elves, a long time ago," she explained, pausing to examine a shattered eluvian. Then she peered over at Zarrak curiously.
"What?" he asked, narrowing his eyes in response.
She shrugged. "Just waiting to see if you're going to try to kill me. If you were going to do so, now would be the opportune moment."
Zarrak cracked a grin and laughed. "Please. I am no fool. I would not get far, especially in this strange place, if I wanted to kill you."
"That is true. Though I wondered if perhaps you had some secret knowledge of eluvians that might help you get in and out."
Zarrak shook his head. "I cannot say I do. I would die amidst shattered mirrors, lost and hungry. It is not appealing. I would prefer to see Skyhold."
"Some of your siblings should have arrived by now, I should think. I hope it is… a warm reunion."
Zarrak, normally one who made jokes easily, said, "I… hope for that as well."
Deciding it was best to simply move on, they continued until they reached the eluvian marked by a vase of snowy flowers.
They emerged in a cell in one of the lower chambers of Skyhold. It was a section that had at one point in its history been used for holding prisoners, but was now in a precarious state of ruin and instead held the eluvian behind iron bars like a criminal; a measure she had implemented after the Qunari's failed invasion attempt. "Watch the edge," she said, holding out her arm to prevent him from nearing the edge as he peered down into the wintery abyss below. Removing a set of keys from her pockets, she unlocked the door that led up the stairs to the courtyard and relocked it once they had passed through. She did this at every stage where they encountered a door on their way up.
When they finally broke through to the courtyard Zarrak shivered and clutched his arms tightly to his body. "That is… a cutting wind," he said bitterly.
She wondered briefly if he had ever been in a place as cold as this. True enough, the courtyard and surrounding areas within the confines of the castle were unnaturally warm due to lingering magical effects in the area, but for someone who had lived in the tropical areas of Antiva, this was… a shock to the system to say the least.
Leliana was waiting for her at the top of the stairs. But she was not alone. A familiar, heavily bearded face was there to greet her.
"Blackwall!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He chuckled and dipped his head at her. "My Lady Inquisitor. And…" he trailed off, eyeing Zarrak suspiciously.
"This is Zarrak. He is a former Antivan Crow I encountered on my journeys. He's come to join the Inquisition. I have a few pet projects in mind for him."
Blackwall eyed the man through his shrewd gaze. "Let us hope he has found a new sense of loyalty then."
"We shall certainly put his skills to use," Leliana said, stepping forward and dipping her head, hands clasped behind her back. "If you would follow me, I believe there are some familiar faces you would like to see," she said with a grin, turning and leading them further into the castle.
Lavellan briefly turned to Blackwall. "What brings you to Skyhold? I thought you were out recruiting for the Wardens again."
"I was. But then Leliana sent me a raven. Asked me to come back to Skyhold." His cheeks colored a bit and he said nothing more on the subject, though Lavellan sensed there was more than he was letting on. "What is the story behind this Antivan Crow? Is the Inquisition in need of assassins?"
"Actually, he tried to kill me in an ambush. Stopped him though," she added quickly when his eyebrows shot up. "The Crows take children when they're quite young. Train them away from their families and bind them to the Crows. Zarrak's siblings were all sold to them. I decided to recruit Zarrak and I asked Leliana to help bring some of his siblings here. Spare them from that life. Apparently a few have already arrived."
"So we're going to a happy little family reunion? Sounds to me like this Crow might be maneuvering you into a corner."
She raised an eyebrow at him, surprised that he would question her, given his own checkered past. "I have been manipulated before, it's true. And it's possible that he's lying to me. But I like to give people the benefit of the doubt," she reminded him.
He nodded his head, but kept the rest of his thoughts to himself as they entered the courtyard.
The Antivans were easy enough to spot. A few people stood under the gazebo, clutching cloaks around themselves to ward off the chill in the air, sipping from hot mugs. Everyone else in the garden lounged more comfortably in their normal garb. Zarrak crossed the empty space as the other three hung back, watching from a distance, but giving them some privacy. The tallest of the bunch, who also had pointed ears and elven features, pointed a gloved finger at Zarrak. "You're the reason we were brought to this freezing shithole!" he shouted. Zarrak returned his glare for a moment then the two broke out in smiles and wrapped each other in a tight embrace.
Clearing her throat, but looking upon the reunion with a sense of growing cheer, Lavellan suggested they leave them to it.
"Of course. And don't worry. There are guards along the upper ramparts in case anything should happen," Leliana said, leading them back into the main hall. She paused and turned to both of them. "Perhaps, Blackwall and I should speak upstairs in the rookery. I know you have a meeting with Dagna, Inquisitor, but I'm afraid there is a matter that needs your attention beforehand. In… the commander's office." She lowered her gaze and left up the rotunda's staircase. Blackwall hesitated for a moment and then turned up to follow her.
Alone and curious, Lavellan crossed the walkway to Cullen's office. When she arrived his normally quite orderly office and possessions were strewn about in various piles. Cullen had his head bent down, reorganizing his belongings in an open trunk. When he heard the door open he looked over his shoulder and froze.
And her heart fell. "You're leaving."
The evidence was all around them. When he rose to face her, he did not deny it. "Yes," he said softly, setting the books in his hands down on the desk. "I am. I was hoping to see you before I left. I wanted to tell you in person."
She looked her commander in the eye, not quite believing what she was seeing. "Why?"
Something in his defiant gaze wavered. "Because it is time. I have done my part. The Inquisition no longer needs me."
"I need you!" The outburst caught them both by surprise. Her chin quivered and she covered her mouth with her hand to still it. Shaking her head she looked back up at him, fighting back the surge of emotion his revelation caused. "The Inquisition still needs its commander. Our forces may not be what they once were, but-"
"Precisely. Most of our soldiers have gone home. And now, I will do the same. Besides," he said, picking up several books from his desk, "You don't need me anymore. You have him."
She flinched as if struck. "You're leaving because of Solas?"
"Yes." He slammed the books down with unnecessary force, gripping the edge of the table to steady himself as his anger rose. "I stayed with the Inquisition because you said you wanted to save Solas from himself. And I stood by on that principle. But now you've become this Dalish Ambassador and promised to support him in his mission to destroy the world! I did not sign on for that!"
"Neither did I!" she shouted in response. "I signed up to save this world. And we did that together. But it wasn't enough, Cullen. You've been in on the talks with Leliana and Josephine. You know that there are signs of greater dangers to come. I explained all of this in my letters. If we do not restore this world and the Fade, then the Veil will come down anyway and destroy everything! Do you really think that after all we've been through, everything we've fought against and survived, that I would join with someone who would destroy the world? You know me better than that."
"What I know is that apostates will lie and destroy everything in their wake! I saw it at Kirkwall and look what happened! Mages and templars fighting one another in a civil war that has killed thousands! Not even the Inquisition could stop that from happening!" Cullen countered with an angry gesture.
"That was different! We tried to call for peace, Cullen. We did, we tried. But they would not come together-"
"-And so we failed!" he returned, gesturing with his arm. "And countless lives were lost because of it!"
"Yes! We did. We failed. We could not mend all that was broken nor could we save everyone. And we did lose people in that fight, Cullen. I know it better than most. I nearly lost my entire clan. And still countless people died. People who deserved to live. But I could not save them. I am the Inquisitor and that burden is mine to bear. I was not enough. But Cullen, there were so many we saved too. People who didn't have a chance without us. Without you. You inspired our people to fight for a cause greater than themselves. You inspire them still. Please, do not leave. We still need you. I still need you…"
He shook his head and backed away from her, gritting his teeth in frustration as he tried to untangle the words in his head. "You don't need me. Not when you have Solas to go to instead."
"Why is Solas the problem here? Do you not trust me? Or my judgement? Do you think me so changed that I have forgotten about my morals and my responsibility, my duty to the-"
"YOU MARRIED HIM!" Cullen roared, flinging the stacks of books and possessions off his desk in his rage. "He left you, the Inquisition, and then only returned when you were inches from death! Yet you chose to marry him, even after all that? He is not some savior, he is the one who caused the hole in the sky to begin with and he's the reason why you got that mark on your hand. The same mark that nearly killed you! How could you-" He let out a growl of frustration.
"How could I what? Love him?" Hot tears streamed down her face, but she hardly noticed, her heart pounded so violently in her chest. "Or do you want to know how I could love him and not you?"
Cullen's chest rose and fell, still fuming in anger, and he looked away from her as his own eyes pricked with tears.
"I'm sorry, Cullen," she said, her voice low and shaky as she swallowed her emotions. "I'm sorry I couldn't love you back. I tried to let him go, but my heart could not do it. I hoped-" She cut off, wiping at the fresh tears. "I had hoped that if I kept my distance I wouldn't end up hurting you. But I did. And I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you."
Cullen turned his gaze upward, pinching his eyes shut to prevent his tears from falling. "Would it have been…" he trailed off, cursing under his breath as the tears fell anyway. "Would it have been so hard to make room in your heart for me? To love me and not him?" He turned to her, eyes red and brow furrowed, trying his best to hold himself steady.
She looked back at him, heart crushed to see the pain she caused him. Slowly, she shook her head. "No. It would have been easy to fall in love with you, Cullen. But it would have been unfair of me to offer my heart when it belonged to someone else. I'm sorry. I am. You deserve better. But… I can't imagine the Inquisition without you."
Cullen was quiet for a moment. Her words struck a blow and she saw it in the way her words, so kindly meant, crippled him. When he sighed it was as if the very breath was pulled from his lungs. He shook his head, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I can't stay," he said when he finally drew in his breath again. "I cannot. Please understand, it is for the best." He pressed his lips together and turned back to the window, resting a hand on the stone wall beside it. "I resign as Commander of the Inquisition. The letter is already on your desk. Blackwall is here to take command in my absence." He pinched the bridge of his nose again.
"Where will you go?" she asked, feeling helpless.
"I've purchased an estate not too far from where my family is in Ferelden. It's in the country. Plenty of quiet and fresh air. I think Bear will like it. Plenty of space for him to roam around. I'm sure my nephew will love chasing after him. And I have plans. There are plenty of former templars still trying to recover from lyrium addiction. If I can get the funding, I may be able to get something set up to help."
"You'll have my support. For whatever you need."
"Thank you," he breathed, drawing in a deep breath to steady himself. "That means… a great deal to me. You supported me through the hardest time in my life. I won't forget that."
"You should be proud of what you've accomplished, Cullen. It took courage and strength. I'm proud of you."
He chewed his lip for a moment, breathing in the cold air from the window. "I am proud of what we've done here. Know that. No matter what comes."
"Can I write to you? I would understand if you wished I did not, but-"
"Yes. Yes, of course you may. I don't want this to be the end of our friendship."
She looked up at him, hating the sinking feeling in her stomach. Again, she wiped at the fresh tears that burned down her cheeks. "I'm sorry. I've never been able to handle goodbyes very well."
"I hope this isn't goodbye forever. Just for now. And then we'll see each other again someday," he promised with a hint of a smile.
She nodded her head. "Yes. Until the next time we meet," she said, she said, saluting him.
This gesture brought a half grin to his face. "Until next time, Inquisitor."
A cruel wind whipped across her face as she crossed the walkway back to the rotunda. She didn't really hear Leliana explain the duties Blackwall had agreed to cover in Cullen's absence. Instead, she nodded along numbly as a hollow feeling settled in her chest. When Leliana was done, a scout came forward with a message and pulled her away, leaving Lavellan alone with Blackwall.
"I'm sorry. About Cullen leaving. I know I'll never measure up to him, but I will do my best to lead in his absence."
It took a moment for the words to reach her, tucked away in the back of her own mind. Shaking her head to clear her thoughts, she looked at his kind, well-meaning expression. "Sorry. I'm still taking it all in, I suppose. But I'm not worried about you taking command, Blackwall. You'll be brilliant, I'm certain. I've seen you inspire men and women before. And I'm happy to have you, but I have to ask you something."
Blackwall leaned in and nodded, his expression serious.
"Do I have your support? Because I haven't heard from you in months and you haven't said much on my decision to help Solas restore the Fade and this world. Or my bond with him. Do you object to any of it?"
Blackwall rubbed the back of his neck. "Oh. That. Right. Well, I suppose I have kept quiet about my thoughts on it. Truth be told, I wasn't really sure what to make of it all. I'm sure you can understand, it's hard to know what to believe when you find out the person you've been talking to all this time isn't actually the person you thought they were. So honestly, I'm not quite sure what to make of Solas. Or Fen'Harel. Whatever he is now. But I remember our conversations together. And I've seen enough of him to know he lives by a strict code of honor. That I respect. But I also know he's damn clever and he played us all, so that leaves me wary." He sighed, mulling over his thoughts for a moment. "I guess I don't know what to make of him. But I think I understand, at least in part. He lied to be a better man than Fen'Harel. But when he failed, he lost hope and himself. To be honest, I think the rest of us were ready to write him off for betraying us. I couldn't though. It would make me a hypocrite. You gave me a second chance when no one believed I deserved it. And now I've gone around to every dark and dingy corner of the world, recruiting Wardens and folks for the Inquisition who want a chance at a new life. All I'm saying is, I think that people deserve a second chance. You gave me that. I don't see why Solas doesn't deserve the same. And I'll always stand by you. No matter what your decision is. I still believe you can shake this world to its roots if you willed it." He smiled at her from beneath his bushy beard.
"And what of my decision to bond with him? Or become the Dalish Ambassador?"
"You are trying to help your people. I can't claim to understand the Dalish politics involved, but I know you. I know you did what you think is best for your people. And I hope… that the union is a happy one."
She raised an eyebrow. "You don't approve?"
"It is not my place to have an opinion on everyone else's relationships. But…" he trailed off, slumping a bit as he sighed. "I remember how distraught you were when he left. And it would be a lie to say there's a part of me that wants to punch him in the teeth for that. Still…" he shrugged. "It's not my place. My loyalty is to you, Inquisitor. No matter what comes next."
She thanked him and they talked for a little while longer about responsibilities within the new role and then parted ways as she headed to the undercroft to meet with Dagna.
Her footsteps echoed off the halls of cold stone. All the while, she could not shake the hollow, lonely feeling in the pit of her stomach. Her hand rested on the door of the undercroft as she braced herself for the meeting ahead.
The door swung open and a snowball burst above her head, showering her with cold flecks the moment she opened the door of the undercroft.
"Oy! Sorry Inky! Thought you was Harritt," came the familiar, jovial snicker from her favorite Red Jenny.
"Good to see you too, Sera," she grumbled, brushing the cold powder off her shoulder and trying her best to get it out from under her collar where it started to melt unpleasantly against her skin. "Are you two having a picnic?"
They were indeed having a picnic. A blanket was spread out on the floor right beside the edge to the drop off. Upon it lay a basket of fresh rolls, grapes, a bottle of wine and two goblets, a jar of jam, and half a wheel of cheese.
"Yeah, a bit. Thought'd be nice to eat while we waited. Plus it makes Hairy Harritt piss and moan when we take over the space. It's freakin' hilarious to watch that mustache of his when he gets all whingy." She scrunched her face in a mocking manner and devolved into a fit of laughter when the impression made Dagna giggle.
"Well, I hate to interrupt your date, but Dagna said she was ready with the new arm to be fitted. So is it alright if I steal her away?"
"Oh! Yes, right," Dagna squeaked, standing up and brushing crumbs off her shirt. "It should be ready. It's just over here," she said, hurrying to her workbench. "I've added in some of your requests to the new model. I'm hoping I've ironed out all the kinks-"
"She wouldn't take my suggestion for the knife juggling trick though," Sera lamented, slathering a roll in jam and demonstrating the move with a butterknife. When she set it aside she licked her fingers, smacking her lips rather loudly.
"That's because it's dangerous, honeybun. From what I've heard you did a number on the current one. Let me see the damage," she asked excitedly, playing with her fingertips.
Dagna's excitement and general disregard for her wellbeing did not improve her feelings of unease, though she did begrudgingly extend her left hand.
"Wow! Honeybun, come look at this!" Dagna exclaimed, turning the hand over and inspecting the cuts along the fingers from the sword fight and the notch in the back from the arrow.
"Oh, nice!" Sera said, grabbing her wrist and pulling it up to inspect the indentation from the arrowhead. "Cracked it a bit, I see. Must've been from far away. Leliana told us it was some ex-boyfriend thing, right?" She laughed, snorting to herself. "Woulda liked to have seen that moment. His face must've been something else when you caught the arrow." She divulged into laughter again, but Lavellan was not amused.
"You could have come, you know. I sent you an invitation to the bonding. Outsiders are allowed."
Sera let go of her wrist and waved the comment away. "No thanks. I mean, no offense, but you know me. I'm not going to the elfiest place ever to watch two elves do some more elfy ceremony to celebrate elfiness."
"You make it sound positively boring. As if there weren't assination and kidnapping attempts to keep all the guests entertained," Lavellan replied sarcastically, raising an eyebrow as Dagna poked and prodded the arm with a strange looking tool.
"She's just afraid of weddings because they put ideas in people's heads," Dagna teased. Sera stuck her tongue out and Dagna cheerfully returned the gesture.
"Whatever. People can have a thing without making it all official with papers and vows and all that shite," Sera retorted, though she turned her face away, revealing the flush creeping up her neck that told them she was embarrassed.
"And some people like to stand up and wear pretty clothes and declare their love for one another," Dagna said, pulling out a string with several marks and measuring different points of the arm.
"It's true. And sometimes things get wild and people shoot arrows. You would have had a blast."
Sera made a dismissive sound and waved her hand. "Yeah, well, congratulations on marrying for duty and love and the glory of the elven empire and blah, blah, blah…"
Lavellan frowned, but Dagna put a hand on her hip. "Oh stop. You like any event where there's wine and food and arrows. Don't pretend otherwise. Now come over here and hold this."
Sera groaned, but held the tool Dagna asked her to hold.
"Okay, so where has it been pinching?" Dagna asked, pulling a stepstool over.
Lavellan unbuttoned her tunic and shrugged it off, pointing to the spots where the straps cut into her skin. "Any chance we can adjust it to be more comfortable? Maybe line it with a softer fabric?" Lavellan suggested.
"We can do that. Might need to reinforce the areas here and here though, as they seem to have gotten some wear. How has the range of motion been going?" Dagna asked, taking the arm from her after she unstrapped it.
"Good. It's been a little more finicky in its movements since it took the damage though. I can't hold a knife steady or pinch with it," she explained.
"Hm, yes, I think that's most likely the damage caused by the arrow. It's broken part of the enchantment. But what about before? How was your progress with the will-binding?"
"Pretty good, actually," she admitted. "I practiced my routines every day. It went pretty well. Definitely got better over time. It's not perfect though and I'd like to have as much control over it as possible. Which is why I'm bummed I have to start over now."
"Oh, that shouldn't be a problem," Dagna said, motioning for Sera to hand her the tool as she inspected the damaged arm. "It looks like I'll be able to copy the will binding over to the new arm. You should have even better control now. It won't be like starting from square one like last time."
"Really?" Lavellan sighed in relief. "Thank goodness."
Sera snorted and grabbed the bottle of wine, shaking it at the two of them. "Anyone want a drink before we settle in?"
Lavellan shook her head and Dagna politely refused. Shrugging, Sera took a swig and cut off a piece of cheese.
"I've been working on some enhancements for coordination and dexterity so you should have a wider range of motion, especially in the fingers, this time around. Do you have any other requirements for the new one?"
"Er, yeah. I need to be able to carry things… without dropping them. And it needs to be gentle. The last one had a tendency to crush things if I wasn't careful."
"Oh, I don't know about carrying things with the arm. If it's light, it shouldn't be too bad, but if you're carrying heavy things, it gets a little more complicated. You see, because you don't have the feedback for weight or pressure, the mechanics involved make up for that by applying more force than is needed, so without that… hmm…" She paused, lost in her thoughts, tapping her chin.
"Please, Dagna. I'm going to need to be able to use it without hurting someone."
"Afraid you'll crush your new hubby's balls?" Sera laughed, drinking more wine.
Dagna went beet red and started stuttering through her thoughts. "Oh...Ohhh… I guess that would be bad… Hm. I didn't think about that as a function… Don't get me wrong, there's plenty of enchantments you can place on an item that are designed for sex… But that would-"
"-It's not like that, I swear. I need it to be gentle because…" she paused, trying to decide if it was safe to say the words aloud. "Because I'm having a baby and I want to be able to take care of it when it's born."
Dagna's note of surprise and offer of congratulations was cut short by Sera spewing wine and coughing as she choked on some of it.
Pounding her chest, Sera's eyes bulged as she turned to Lavellan. "What?! You're preggers? Like really? You're not just havin' me on?"
Lavellan nodded.
"Well piss and shit, I thought your tits looked bigger! Wow, you and him didn't waste any time reconciling, did ya?"
"Sera," Dagna scolded, putting a hand on her hip before turning back to Lavellan. "What she means is, we're very happy for you. Aren't we?" Her eyes narrowed at Sera.
"I dunno, right now I'm just feeling like pure terror at the thought of babies. I mean babies! Like, you were more religious about drinking your tea than Cassandra was about praying. I'd be freaking out if I was you."
"Oh, I'm absolutely terrified," Lavellan admitted, almost relieved to see someone else freaking out as badly as she had when she found out. "How in the world am I supposed to hold a baby with only one arm?"
"Oh, that's easy. You just use a sling," Dagna said with a chuckle. "Like this." She pulled on a piece of cloth, tearing it down the center and bundling up half of it in a web she tied around her middle. "See! Nothing to it. Why are you looking at me like that?" Both Sera and Lavellan were looking at her in surprise. "What? My mom always wore one with me and my siblings. It leaves your hands free to do other things, see?" She took up a pair of tools and demonstrated the freedom of movement.
"My people do something similar with baskets they carry on their backs. But I like your way," Lavellan said.
Dagna beamed. "I can make one for you that's easy to put on with one hand so you won't need the prosthetic to tie the knot," she said excitedly as the gears started turning in her head.
"Or you could use a box or a cradle or something?" Sera suggested.
"A box? She's not having a litter of kittens," Dagna replied, rolling her eyes.
"Cradles are just fancy boxes. It's not like a baby's going to care," Sera retorted.
"I think it would be best if we could focus on improving the functionality of the prothesis," Lavellan said, stepping in to remind them of why they were there.
"Oh, yes, right. Well, that sounds like a good challenge. I wonder if we could use some smaller enchantments and weave them together in a web. Or maybe some of those spells from that old Tevinter book. Where did I put that…" Dagna drifted off, searching the cupboards and shelves for various items.
Sera randomly burst out laughing and Lavellan turned to her, eyebrow raised. "You know what I just realized?" she said, mid-cackle. "That baby is going to look just like him when it's born. All bald and pointy-eared."
That thought brought a small smile to Lavellan's face and for the rest of the evening as she was poked and prodded, she listened to all of Sera's jokes and wondered what her baby would be like.
"How did it go?" Solas asked when he stepped into their bedroom later that evening, taking note of several peculiarities. The first was the absence of a prosthetic arm, be it the former or a new version. The second was that his partner stood before the mirror, wrapped and knotted in a large sash. And the third was that she had definitely been crying.
"Not very well," she grumbled, trying to tie a knot one-handed and struggling. "How was your secret mission? Did anyone spot you underneath your disguise?"
Solas removed the hooded cloak and the wig, setting them back in their proper places. "I was not recognized. However, my search did not yield the results I wished," he said, leaning the lute against the wardrobe. He tilted his head, trying to decipher what it was she was attempting to do. "Might I assist?" he asked cautiously.
"There's no point. I can't tie a bloody knot with one hand," she swore and angrily unwound the sash from her body. Once it settled on the floor she sat down on the bed and sighed, pressing her hand to her forehead. "I don't know how to care for a baby with one hand," she admitted, pinching her eyes shut to avoid frustrated tears from leaking out.
Solas sat beside her and drew her into his arms. He wrapped her in a comforting embrace and she let out a long slow breath. "You will find ways to adapt what you know. And when that fails, you ask for help. You are forgetting that this child has two parents who will love and care for it." His hands smoothed over her belly and the slight bump in a soothing pattern. "You are not alone, vhenan. I will be here every step of the way."
"Promise?" she breathed, recalling all too well the loss of her commander.
"I promise," he whispered, kissing her ear.
She nodded numbly. "Cullen resigned. He said he couldn't support the Inquisition any longer. Blackwall is going to take his place." Her hand grasped around his wrist and clung to him as if he too might slip through her fingers. "I guess I should have seen it coming, but I didn't." A deep, heavy sigh left her lungs, draining her of all energy. "I keep losing people."
Solas did not know what to say. Part of him was glad to have Cullen's lingering gaze turned away, but he also knew the Inquisition forces flourished under his leadership. Losing her commander's skills was certainly impactful to the organization, and yet he couldn't help but wonder if there was more to it than she was letting on. She hadn't shared much, but perhaps she and Cullen had grown closer in his absence.
"There's no need to feel jealous," she whispered.
He raised his chin in surprise. But in this proximity, they were both more attuned to one another's emotions and feelings. Or perhaps she simply knew him well enough to guess at his thoughts. "Cullen was my friend. We were close, but it wasn't a romantic attachment, merely friendship. But… We supported one another through… difficult times in our lives. Friends like that are rare. And I miss him," she admitted, trying to push back the sorrow creeping into her throat.
"You feel guilty as well," Solas said softly. He could sense the turmoil within her.
"No. It's not guilt. But… regret, maybe…I never meant to hurt him," she murmured, running her hand through her hair.
"Cullen will find his own way," Solas said. He still did not have the most favorable opinion of the man, and a part of him didn't like that idea of him as her confidant, particularly when the difficult times she mentioned were likely caused by his absence.
"I know…" She leaned against Solas's shoulder. "I just didn't think it would be in the opposite direction. Away from me."