Chapter 23: A New Shadow

Lavellan still felt a bit strange every time she was "summoned" to speak to Solas in his office. Back at Skyhold, she usually went herself to speak with him or request that he attend a meeting. But Mercy's Rest was a bit more spread out and winding compared to Skyhold. Perhaps it was because of her Dalish upbringing, but the machinations of court life had never quite felt comfortable to her. Asking someone else to do something she could very easily do herself felt absurd. Still, it wasn't as if he didn't know where to find her. She wondered briefly if it was some sort of power play, to force her to acknowledge his authority on a subject. Though part of her doubted it. As to what the subject was, she had little doubt it concerned the red lyrium idol. And she refused to back down on her stance in regards to that. If he wanted to use it, he would have to do so over her cold, dead body.

Din'al, Solas's secretary, opened the door for her and led her inside. She thanked him and he bowed out of the room. To her surprise, however, they were not meeting alone. Commander Abelas stood and bowed to her when she entered the room. Bowing her head in turn, she eyed Solas with suspicion. "Aneth ara, Abelas," she said, once righted. "It has been some time since last we spoke."

"Indeed," he said, eyes glancing briefly to her round belly and then back up to her face. "I am glad to see you are well. I have heard tales of your recent… harrowing adventures."

"Ah," she said, glancing once more at Solas. So this was about what happened in Kirkwall.

Solas rose from his seat behind the ornate desk and clasped his hands behind his back, straightening his posture. She sighed inwardly, knowing what was to come. "After the events at Kirkwall and your recent acts of subterfuge in Tevinter, I have requested Commander Abelas's presence. I have decided to put him in charge of your new personal guard."

"New what?" She crossed her arms in front of her, not quite believing what she was hearing.

"I am assigning a personal guard to protect you. Given Morrigan's attack and your refusal to cease your missions in Tevinter, I insist that you have a protection detail at all times," Solas said firmly, indicating that this was not a matter of debate.

Of course, he was not the only stubborn person in the room. "A personal guard? At all times? Have you gone mad? Or have you simply forgotten who I am and what I am capable of?"

He clenched his jaw. "You are my partner. And the mother of our unborn child. I will not let you go about unprotected."

"Did you forget the part where I had a dozen friends and allies with me in Tevinter on those missions? Ones who were just as capable of protecting me? The same is true when I was on the boat with Varric. And last I checked, I am still a mage, capable of fighting and defending myself," she finished with a scowl.

"I am not doubting your abilities. But we do not know what Morrigan is planning or who else may be involved. I found you near death in that cave and we both know you were lucky to have escaped with your life. You are to have a guard from now on and that is the end of it!" he said hotly. He turned away, regretting his loss of temper, unable to look her in the eye. "Commander Abelas is responsible for your personal guard now."

She ground her teeth, clenching her hands into fists as she grappled with her anger. She hated feeling weak almost as much as she hated failing. To have her shortcomings thrown in her face after she fought off a dragon on the ocean in a wooden boat infuriated her. And yet a small part of her was scared. She had been close to death, had nearly been drowned, burned, crushed. And she knew, in some small voice in the back of her head, that if he had been the one on the boat in her position, she would want to do all she could to protect him too.

"So what happens now? I get a guard to follow me around everywhere I go? There are plenty of guards here and at Skyhold. There's really no need to have someone tail around me all day. Why don't I take Hamin or someone else when I go out on a mission? Like we did with our escort to Arlathvhen," she proposed, trying to create a rational compromise.

"No. Morrigan may have spies both here and at Skyhold. I will not take the chance. Only those whom I trust completely will be assigned to protect you," Solas declared.

Abelas bowed his head in respect. "It will be my honor," he said.

Realization fell a moment too late as she grasped just what Solas meant. "You're assigning Abelas to guard me? He's the commander of your army, Solas. You cannot be serious. Assigning him to be my personal guard is a waste. Besides, I have plenty of people at Skyhold who would be just as capable of protecting me. There's no need to lose your commander over this."

"I trust Abelas. And he will decide who is to guard you when he cannot. He may vet potential candidates from Skyhold if you wish, but in the end, the decision is his."

"Not mine?" she snapped.

"You have a trusting nature, vhenan. One that may very well put you in danger."

Her shoulders fell as his words sunk in, tearing open old wounds. "I trusted you," she said softly.

He swallowed the lump in his throat. She had trusted him. And he had betrayed that trust and lied to her. "Yes. You did. And I have put you in danger once again. Which is why it is my responsibility to ensure you are protected."

"Fine. So be it. If that is the way we are handling matters, then it is my responsibility to protect you as well. You are not allowed to come within a hundred feet of the red lyrium idol. It will be locked away in the dungeons, under guard at all times. I will continue to work on a way to destroy it because someone has to protect you from yourself."

He rounded on her, but she had already turned on her heels and shoved the doors open. "Vhenan!" he called after her, but she did not turn around to listen to another word he had to say.

She hid, as she often did, in the library. It was easier to get lost amongst the shelves of books and she enjoyed losing herself in the pages of a dusty old tome or a charming tale. But today she sulked, a half-open book on her lap as she stared out one of the windows at the lush foliage below. Blue and yellow birds fluttered around a blooming tree, creating a noisy cacophony amidst the rustling leaves.

"Found me at last?" she asked, noting the reflection in the glass.

Abelas stepped forward. "I am following orders, my lady."

"'My lady?' Oh please, you don't need to pretend to be civil, Abelas. You don't even like me. I'm sure this is the last appointment you'd want. Just pick someone else and let's be done with this nonsense, shall we?"

"Fen'Harel has given me my assignment. I intend to carry it out," he replied. "My personal feelings on the matter are of no importance."

"My how you flatter me. What is it about me that offends you so, Abelas? My Dalish heritage? My relationship with Solas? Or perhaps my role at the Temple of Mythal?" She sighed. "You don't want to be here with me any more than I want you here with me."

Abelas stiffened and frowned at her. "You are but a child compared to me and my people. There is much you do not know and more you will never understand. Yet you have inserted yourself here in a role close to Fen'Harel, seemingly without comprehension for the ramifications of such a decision."

She glowered up at him. "And what precisely do you mean by that?"

Abelas's eyes narrowed and his lip pulled back, fighting a sneer. "I mean that you came to him claiming to seek an alliance and got yourself with child to force him to go through a bonding-"

"-I did not!" she snarled, slapping her book down on the window sill and standing up in anger. "I never deceived him. He did not even know of the pregnancy until after our bonding. I would never force him to be with me if he did not wish it!"

"And why do you think he left?" Abelas raised an eyebrow. "Because you are his weakness. Or are you too blind to see it? Regardless of how it came to be, that child in your womb changes everything. Why do you think he was so desperate to find the idol? He is running out of time. Your child will be born in a few months and he is racing to find a way to bring down the Veil before that happens."

Her heart hammered in her chest. She put a protective hand on her belly and backed up to the window. "What does that have to do with anything?"

Abelas gave her a look, as if she were a foolish, petulant child. "To save you and your baby. As it is now, you Dalish hardly live longer than the shemlen. You're more susceptible to disease and other afflictions. You die easily. He is hoping that restoring what was will fix that so when the time comes, you and your baby might live long enough for him to remember you."

She recoiled at his words. "How dare you. Have you no compassion?"

"Compassion? It is because of my compassion that I tell you this. I have lived far longer than you. My memory reaches back and as many people as you have lost in your time, I have lost more. I have lived long enough to know what it is to lose a partner and to bury my child. That is why it offends me that you behave as if you do not know what you are. You are his weakness. You have changed everything. And he must take risks in order to protect you."

Silence fell, for she did not know what to say. For all her anger and self-righteousness, she could not help but think herself selfish for not having considered Solas's feelings on the matter. "I am sorry for your loss," she finally said. "I am not trying to be a burden. That was never my intention. I know you may not agree, but I am trying to help him. I want to protect him too. That's why I can't let him use the idol. It will drive him mad and corrupt all that he is."

Abelas was quiet for a moment, studying her carefully. "Desperation may not leave him any other choice."

"Let us pray it does not come to that."

The light of the moon streamed in through the curtains. Solas sat at the small desk, trying to take notes on what he was reading in the splayed book beside him, but his mind was far too occupied by other thoughts. The door creaked open, causing the light of the candle to flicker.

"I'm surprised you came," Solas said, setting down his quill. He stood up from his chair and turned to his partner, lips pursed together in irritation.

She put her hands on her hips. If he wanted to fight, she was ready for another round. "It's been a day of surprises. I never thought you would make sweeping declarations without consulting me. I thought we were the kind of couple who talked about things first."

"How can we when you go marching off who-knows-where when you don't get an answer you like?"

"What am I supposed to do? Accept that you're going to use an object that drives people mad and be okay with that? Red lyrium in itself is dangerous, but this idol corrupts and poisons the mind. You wouldn't recognize yourself if you used it. Using it may even kill you. And I couldn't bear that."

"Did you think I would use it without studying it first? I am not reckless. Besides, you are diverting away from the real problem here, which is that Morrigan came after you as a dragon and nearly killed you. I have a right to be worried and increase protective measures to ensure your safety."

"Why couldn't you have talked to me about it then? So we could decide together what steps to take?"

"Because you are reckless! You think your abilities are enough to save you, but after what happened with your father and now Morrigan and goodness knows what else when you were in Tevinter, I don't trust you to be rational about your own safety! I am trying to protect you..." he shook his head, looking at her imploringly.

She chewed on his words, reminded of what Abelas had said earlier. Without thinking, she took a step closer to him. "You cannot protect me from everything, Solas," she said, her voice gentler than before.

"I must try, vhenan. I swore to protect you. I meant those words when I promised you that," he said.

She stepped closer, hesitating, though she longed to reach out and touch his wrist, to offer some comfort. "You can't protect me all the time. Bad things happen. It's not your fault."

"I know that, but..." he sighed, wiping his hand down his face and shaking his chin.

"It's okay to be afraid too," she said softly. "I'm afraid. I felt..." she bit her lip as she felt the familiar tightening around her throat before she was about to cry. "I was so afraid that the last thing I said to you was from our fight. I don't want to lose you, Solas. But you have to talk to me. You can't shut me out of conversations that will impact me, or us, or our future. I want to help you." Then, because she could not help it, she reached for his hand, taking ahold of it firmly.

"I only want you to be safe," he said, touching her cheek. "You and the baby," he whispered, letting his hand drift down to her stomach. He liked feeling the baby's heartbeat and every time he did it made her smile.

"Still going strong," she said with a half grin. "And I have been doing all I can to help things along. I always eat my meals, even when I feel sick. And on the missions in Tevinter, I was rarely by the red lyrium and I was never the one to destroy it or dispose of it. Bull was surprisingly adamant about ensuring that I wasn't. He's very motherly. But… I want you to know that I'm doing all I can to make sure this is a healthy baby. And a healthy birth. I want to raise our baby together. And if we're going to do that, we need to work together." She paused, letting out a sigh. "The baby will be here soon. I suppose I should begin nesting. We hardly have anything for the baby yet. And I don't want to be caught unprepared"

Solas's glowing hand shifted around her belly, a soft smile upon his lips. "Worry not. I have sent in orders for furnishings and all the necessities. You and the baby will want for nothing when the time comes."

"Except for sleep, of course," she grinned. Tilting her head, she noticed how red his eyes were. "Come to bed, vhenan. You look tired."

Solas let her lead him to the bed, too exhausted to care that there were still some things he wanted to address with her. But it could wait. Right now, he wanted peace. He drew her down beside him, where she curled against him, lying on her side. Pulling the covers up, he slipped his hand down and over her belly. "We haven't talked about the baby much," he commented, hesitating a moment before he said it. He knew she was still feeling trepidation over the pregnancy and giving birth and had tried not to broach the subject without invitation.

"I suppose not. To be honest, I feel like I've been holding my breath on it for so long. Uncertain if I might accidentally do something wrong. Or just that with my luck, something bad might happen." Her fingers brushed his as she touched her stomach and he threaded their hands together.

"It is a terrifying prospect, no matter what. Becoming a parent is uncharted territory for both of us."

"You've never… been a parent before? Even during your time?"

He shook his head. "No. It was not something I wanted. I was focused more on other pursuits. I enjoyed the company of spirits and discovering new things. Perhaps I was too invested in wandering to settle long enough for a family and children."

A twinge of discomfort pulled at her inner thoughts. "I thought maybe… maybe long ago you had a family. One you didn't want to mention."

He shook his head. "Is it so difficult to believe?"

"Well… Yes, I suppose. You've been alive for much longer than any person I've known. You've been bonded to others. I assumed at some point, you had had children with someone else." She didn't know quite how that made her feel. It was a strange thought imagining him just as he was now in a time before Arlathan fell.

"It was not something I wished to pursue. And my partners were often otherwise preoccupied with their own projects or studies. Time was different back then. There was always a point at which something could be done later. Having a family wasn't important to me then."

"And now?"

He kissed her cheek, brushing back her hair. "Now it is what I cherish most."

Warmth spread throughout her face and fingertips at his kiss. Though a part of her hesitated to know more, her curiosity got the better of her. "Would it be inappropriate to ask more questions about your previous relationships?"

He shook his head, though a touch of unease curled in his belly. He was so used to keeping his life secret that being honest about it took considerable effort. "You may ask. Might I ask questions in turn?"

She shrugged. "Of course." He raised an eyebrow, but she changed her mind at the last moment. "Never mind. Perhaps it would be best not to know," she whispered, biting her lip.

Solas chuckled. "Did you want a number of my former partners? Or perhaps all the people I have lain with?"

"No!" she said, rather too quickly and she covered her face, mortified.

Solas laughed then, amused by her embarrassment. "Fair enough. How many people have you lain with?"

Her cheeks pinked and she chewed on her lip for a moment.

"You do not have to answer if you do not wish. I am unfamiliar with Dalish sensibilities in regards to such matters," he said, though there was a glimmer of amusement in his eye.

She fixed him with a look that was meant to be a glare, but was completely ineffective with her cheeks such a deep pink. "Do you promise not to laugh?"

"I promise."

"Okay. Four." She clamped her mouth shut, watching his reaction.

Solas nodded slowly, taking in the information. "Four?" he repeated.

"Yes. Four."

"I see," he said, though as he settled back onto the pillow and stared up at the canopy of the bed he felt strangely humbled. "You've only lain with four people, not including me?"

She shook her head. "No, I've only slept with four people. All men and all in pretty serious relationships that lasted a while. You're the fourth." She studied his reaction, wondering how inexperienced it made her seem compared to a man who had lived for millenia. "What about you? What is your number?"

"It is… more than four," he said, a somewhat amused expression playing across his face. He could feel her nerves through their connection and touched her shoulder. "Do not worry, vhenan. What we have is special."

"I shouldn't have asked. Now all I can do is picture you with more than four and wonder if I'm terrible in bed by comparison."

Solas smirked, but did not want to disparage his partner. He kissed her cheek once more and tilted her face to look into her eyes. "You have nothing to worry about, vhenan. What we have is special and unique. And I find you… irresistible." He placed a long, slow kiss upon her lips, losing himself in the sweet taste of her.

"Well, you must find a way to resist, because I am definitely not in the mood now after imagining you with a large number of women, likely with considerable more experience."

"Worry not, ma vhenan. I have only eyes for you."

Despite his words, she could not shake the images and her discomfort at the thought of him lying with another woman. "Never mind. I should not have asked."

He chuckled. "You have nothing to worry about, ma vhenan," he said, brushing aside her hair and nuzzling into her neck. It was one of the spots where she was most ticklish and it made her shiver in a most delightful way.

"Mmm… Better not. I'm growing your baby in my belly."

He smiled and let his hand wander down to her bump once more. "Which do you think it will be? Boy or girl?"

"Oh, I don't care which. I just want it to be healthy. Healthy baby. Healthy birth."

Solas kissed her cheek. "Yes. And I'll be with you every step of the way. I promise."

"Thank you," she said quietly, leaning against his shoulder. "I'm not sure I could do it on my own."

A sadness came over him at her words, for a small part of him feared that the dangerous path ahead may claim his life, leaving her and their child alone. Or worse, if something else happened like that attack outside of Kirkwall, he might lose her.

"Do you think it's too early to consider names?" she asked, pulling him from his dour thoughts.

"I don't see any harm in it. If it's a girl, should we name her after her mother?"

"Oh no. Definitely not. Call me superstitious, but I don't think we should name our child after someone. It's a baby. New and unique. It doesn't need the added pressure of another person's identity added to it. It already has to live up to us as its parents."

"Perhaps it will come naturally in time," he mused, rubbing her belly.

"Yes. In time, like all good things," she grinned. "If I come up with anything, I'll write it down," she said, pulling a notebook from the bedside drawer. "I've been writing down all of the lullabies that I can remember from my childhood to pass on and a few things I've learned in books and such about pregnancy," she told him, flipping through until she found a few of the lullabies.

Solas peered at it in the dim light and read "The Wolf's Lament" with a private smile. "You're keeping a pregnancy journal?" He smiled, flipping through it. Each day had a list of what she ate and a number for the baby's pulse in both the morning and the evening. A few notes were scattered here and there about suggested tips or notes about things that the baby might need. "Have you sung any of these lullabies to the baby?" he asked.

"No," she said, chewing on her lip. "I'm terrible at singing. I've hummed a few though. Do you know any?"

A smile spread across his face and he pulled back the blanket. Sliding her shirt up, he kissed her stomach and closed his eyes as an old melody came from his lips. Singing softly, the ancient elven sweet upon his tongue, he shared a song from a time when he was young and the world was whole. And as he did, he dreamed for a time when his child might know the world he once knew.