Chapter Nine

The ship was sinking fast. The orchestra was still playing, though no one was listening. I kept by Cal's side, terrified by the sight of the dark waters that drew ever closer. Flares were sent up into the sky, making a loud popping noise that hurt my ears, and the bright light they created burned my eyes when I looked at them. I had no idea where to find James, and didn't want to get lost while looking for him. I was sure that my best bet was to stay here with Cal, at least until James came back and we could get on a lifeboat together.

Mr. Lovejoy stayed with us, too. At random moments he would walk away, then return and whisper things to Cal. I paid no mind, too busy scanning the crowd for familiar faces, too busy watching the waters rise.

At one point Cal walked off, saying he needed to get a coat. He was gone a long time. When he came back, he didn't have a coat. But I was so scared I wasn't thinking straight, and didn't question.

Finally he grabbed my wrist and led me to a boat on the other side of the ship. We arrived just as an officer waved a gun at the crowd and yelled, "I'll shoot any man who tries to get past me. Get back!"

"We had a deal, damn you!" Cal said, stepping forward in the direction of the gun, even though I held him back. He was the last person I knew who was still with me, and I wasn't quite sure what I would do if I lost him.

The officer threw a wad of bills in Cal's face.

"Your money can't save you any more than it can save me," the officer said.

I spun my head quickly in time to see someone jump out from the crowd, and heard the gunshot that emanated from the officer's gun. The man crumpled to the ground, his life preserver quickly turning red with blood. My mouth fell open, and I watched him, horrorstruck, watching death.

"Bastard!" yelled a man with a thick Italian accent, kneeling next to the dying man.

The officer stared, just as horrorstruck as me, and stepped backwards, raising the gun to his head. An officer turned and stared at him.

"No, Will!" he yelled, as he realized what was going on. I heard the gunshot, and then the splash as the body hit the water.

No one wasted any time mourning their deaths. The boat continued to fill with people, and Cal grabbed my hand and pushed forward through the crowd.

"Please sir, let me on, I need to be with my sister, I'm the only living relative she has!" Cal called to the officer, holding my hand up. I didn't say anything, watching as the waters rose, engulfing the deck.

"Get on," the officer said, weakening. He knew he needed to save as many people as he could. It was too late to be picky about who should live.

We climbed into the boat, and proceeded to help as many as possible get into the boat. But soon we were floating on the water, and only one line had been cut.

I watched in horror, wondering what would happen, tightly holding Cal's hand, hoping for a miracle.

The other line released, and Cal stood, grabbing an oar and rowing. I sat still, my mouth open, watching as people swam around in the icy water, trying to grab hold of the boat, trying to get in.

"Get away! You'll swamp us!" Cal yelled at them, pushing them away. I couldn't even object, my mind was so confused. And all I could really think about was James. I stared at each face in turn, trying to find his, trying to see if he still had a chance to live.

The funnel crashed into the water, spraying me with icy flakes. I shivered, wiping the water off my face, but continued to stare at the people swimming around, hoping to find James, or even Rose or Jack.

We had gotten far enough away from the ship when I saw the stern sticking up in the air, dragged down by the bow, that part already submerged. I stared, my mouth still open in horror, a lump in my throat, wanting to cry but unable to. I could hear people screaming, could hear the sound of people jumping into the water in a desperate attempt to save themselves.

The stern crashed back, and floated for a second. I hoped it might float, that some might be spared, but my hope was in vain. It began to rise again, until it was completely vertical. Then it began to sink. The screams of terror increased, and I gripped the side of the boat, my nails digging into the wood, turning my knuckles white.

Then it was gone. There was no sign of the great "unsinkable" ship, nothing to mark what had happened. But the desperate cries of those still alive, bobbing around in the icy waters, still reached our ears.

"Cal, go back! They need our help! Go back!" I yelled at him, but he shook his head, staring at the mass of moving black specks behind us.

I didn't say anything after that. I listened as the cries grew fainter, and then disappeared altogether. I watched as a light moved towards the mass, and I knew that at least one boat had returned for the survivors. But no other sound was heard. It was quiet and cold, and I knew, somewhere deep inside my gut, that James was dead. But I refused to admit it, hoping he had gotten into a boat, or was in the water and that they would find him.

A whistle sounded, very far off. I didn't know what it was, but supposed it was one of the officers sounding it, trying to attract the attention of those in the water.

The wait was interminable. We waited forever, waited for morning, for a ship, for some kind of salvation. It was horrible, to think about it. I tried to distract my thoughts, but it was all that I could think about. And even though I once thought about talking to Cal about something, anything to distract me, I found I didn't have the strength to talk, to say anything to anyone.

When morning came, a huge ship appeared in the morning light. We drew level to it, and one by one we were raised up to its deck using a swing. I kept close to Cal, not wanting to lose him, too. He was the only person I knew in this huge mass of people.

"Margaret, Cal!" someone yelled.

Cal spun, and I imitated him, not registering my name. I was still in shock.

I noticed Mother, running towards us, crying with joy. I hugged her, happy for the first time in my life to see her. I didn't want her to let go, I didn't want her to leave my side, even.

"Oh my God Margaret! I'm so glad you're safe!" she said, over and over through her tears. I couldn't say anything, I just cried.

"Where's Rose?" Cal asked. It was a question I had been thinking, too.

Mother couldn't speak for a second. She cried, and shook her head. We both knew what that meant. I screamed and fell to the floor, too weak by everything to stand it anymore. Cal scooped me up in his arms and held me tight, in such a way that it was actually comforting.

"And James?" he asked for me. Mother shook her head again, making my sobbing even worse.

The doctor was called immediately. He gave me another blanket, and told me to rest, and I could hear him telling Mother and Cal that nothing else could be done for me. Loss is not something you can treat with medicine, he said. But he counseled them to stay close by me at all times, to remind me that I had not lost everything. And so they did. For the entire time we were on the Carpathia, neither one left my side, not for a second.

I soon noticed a change in Cal. He seemed to have lost all of his pompous attitude, all of his smug ways. Even Mother seemed changed by the incident. They both tended to my every need, and though I could understand why Mother did so, I couldn't understand Cal. But my mind was still so jumbled, so confused that I didn't bother to ask him about it, didn't bother to question his motives.

We disembarked in New York, and Cal took us to the fanciest hotel. There, I was put to bed immediately, and I was given dinner. Mother stayed by me until I fell asleep, and Cal checked in on us every hour or so.

The next day new dresses arrived for me and Mother, nothing quite as extravagant as those we had lost on the Titanic, but something to tide us over until we reached Philadelphia. I didn't bother to get out of bed, but read the whole day, trying to lose myself in books in a desperate attempt to escape the painful reality of my sister's and fiancé's deaths.

That night, when my dinner was brought to me and Mother was out talking to the hotel staff, Cal visited me. He was quiet, and watched me eat for a moment, his expression soft. Finally he drew up a chair and sat next to me.

"Margaret, I'm sorry about James," he said quietly. I stopped eating and looked at him. "But I'm still glad you made it. You know, I always liked you just as much as Rose."

I couldn't say anything. I was still processing his words, trying to give them a meaning.

"I know it's still very soon, but I've come to appreciate you more, Margaret," he said. "And if you don't mind, I'd like to marry you."

I stared, not sure if I was hearing him correctly.

"Marry you?"

"I understand if you don't want to marry me, after the way I treated your sister. And besides, I'm sure you still love James. But if it's possible for you to ever feel anything for me, anything at all, I would like it if you would accept my proposal."

He bent his head, and I stared at it. His hair had been messy for the past few days, and I could only presume that he, too, had been in too much shock to care about his appearance. But he did seem different, and I knew he had been affected by Rose's death, knew he missed her. The last few days, he had been so different from the person I had come to know so well in the months before we boarded Titanic. And anyway, it didn't matter who I married anymore. My heart was in the grave, and I doubted it would ever come back.

"Alright."