Chapter Twelve

Two days later we left for home. Cal had been civil during the past few days, maybe a bit more loving than usual, but he certainly didn't try to fool himself that I loved him back. I tried my best to show him that I did love him, just not as much as James, but he didn't take the hint. Around Caledon we acted the same as always, neither of us wanting to traumatize him, but I was glad when we were finally home in Philadelphia, and we had escaped both the confinement of the car as well as the torturous memories of the city.

Mother and Mr. Hockley both called on us the day after our return, but I pleaded sickness and stayed in bed all day. Cal went about his normal business, sometimes coming into the room to check up on me, but even then our conversations were restricted to small talk.

"Cal," I said quietly that afternoon, and he paused in the doorway, turning to look at me. "I never thanked you for saving my life."

He smiled at me, and it was a real smile this time, full of gratitude, and something I hoped was love. He closed the door and came over to my side, kissing me and drawing up a chair.

"I'm sorry I've been so mean to you. But it was hard, to go back to New York. I'm sure you understand," I explained, not daring to look at him as I spoke.

"It's alright," he said, holding my hand. He picked it up and kissed it, the same way Jack had done on the Titanic to Rose. "I understand."

I wasn't sure he did, but I was glad he accepted my explanation.

After that there was peace between us, and even though Cal never again made the mistake of loving me too much, we were still friends. Friends who were intimate and liked each other maybe a little more than friends should.

In June of that year, another boy was born. I named him James, and Cal loved him just as much, if not more, than Caledon. Caledon was by now quite grown-up, as he was just over a year, and he had many friends his own age in Philadelphia, many of them girls.

"What a stud my son is!" Cal would joke sometimes over the dinner table. "Not even two years old and already the girls love him!"

Caledon was just beginning to speak, and I remember very clearly that his first word was "love". It had been an early morning, and Cal and I were in the nursery, playing with the boys. Caledon had pointed first to me, then to Cal, and had said, quite clearly, "Love!"

Cal had swept him up in his arms and had proudly retold the story to all the servants, even the scullery maids. And Caledon was given extra dessert. I laughed and told him not to spoil the child, but Cal didn't listen, he was so proud. But my son's first word sadly reminded me of my own first love.

"No, put that over here, it will give the table a sense of balance," I instructed the maid, pointing to the large vase full of flowers.

Cal's birthday was approaching, and I wanted to surprise him. I was preparing a huge party, and I had invited all of our friends. The cooks had been slaving away for days in the kitchen, preparing all of his favorite foods. I had even gone so far as to order new outfits for the boys to wear, and had even gotten a new dress for myself, a lilac silk confection, with pretty white lace from France.

"Good. The cake should go in the middle, to remind people of the occasion," I said, and motioned to the place of honor. "Perhaps we should put a card on his plate. I think it's a good idea, don't you?"

"Of course, ma'am," the maid said.

It was times like these that I missed Charlotte and Trudy. They had always been so honest with us, unlike the maids who now lived in my home. They always agreed with you, even if they disagreed, and were polite to no end. It was enough to make me sick.

"Good then, I'll have Caledon make one. And make sure to lock the doors tonight before he gets home from work, I don't want him to see anything," I told her, knowing that the girl wouldn't do anything she hadn't been told to do.

"Very well, ma'am."

I left the room and went upstairs to check on Caledon and James, who were in the nursery. James was sleeping, and Caledon had been playing with his toys, quietly, as I had told him to do. They were exactly where I had left them.

"Mommy!" Caledon exclaimed when I entered the room. I put my finger to my lips, pointing to the sleeping James, and Caledon quickly quieted, looking slightly guilty.

"Mommy, I made a painting for you," he said, holding up a pencil drawing of me and Cal. I smiled and hugged him.

"Thank you, it's very pretty," I told him, though it was but a simple child's drawing.

"Mommy, when is Daddy coming home?"

As if by magic, the door opened downstairs, and I could hear the maid saying hello. I left Caledon behind and hurried downstairs, hoping Cal wouldn't open the door to the dining room.

"Darling, you're home early," I said, smiling.

"Yes, there isn't much need for me today, so I thought I'd spend a lazy afternoon with you. We could even go to the theater tonight, if you want," he said, kissing me and starting to move towards the stairs.

"That's sounds lovely," I said, keeping my back to the dining room door and trying to keep him from going inside. "Did you eat already?"

"No, is that a problem?"

"Well, the boys and I already ate, but…"

"I'll eat in our room, it's fine," Cal said, and I smiled, grateful that he hadn't insisted on eating at the table.

"That sounds perfect. I'll just tell Susan, and she'll get something ready for you. I'll meet you upstairs," I told him, and hurried into the kitchen. When I was sure Susan had locked the door, and that Cal's spare key was safely hidden, I went upstairs, surprising Cal half-naked, changing out of his suit. I blushed and quickly closed the door so the servants wouldn't see. Cal laughed.

"Still a virgin, are you?" he joked, and I turned my back to him, busying myself by pretending to organize my jewelry that was sitting on my vanity.

He snuck up behind me, and I only realized when he put his arms around me, and rested his chin on my shoulder. I turned my face slightly, and allowed him to kiss my cheek. Then his hands started roving, and I pulled away when he started to unbutton my blouse.

"No, Cal, I don't want to traumatize the children," I told him, tucking my blouse back into my skirt.

"Come on, Caledon's got to learn sometime about being a man," Cal argued, enveloping me once again in an embrace. It was so passionate I didn't even bother to pull away. "This is exactly why I came home," he whispered. I arched, allowing him to unbutton me.

"Just lock the door," I whispered fervently as he pulled off my skirt and started to unlace my corset.

The birthday party was a success. Mother even complimented me on how well I had adapted to matrimonial duties. I smiled politely through the whole thing, my mask in place. I didn't react to anything, not even when a half-drunk Cal announced to the whole party that I was "the best goddamn wife in the whole world and I've never even once thought about prostitutes."

It was late at night when everyone dispersed. I carefully closed the door, carried Caledon, who had fallen asleep in a corner, upstairs to bed, and told Susan to clean up the next day. Exhausted, I went upstairs, intending to go directly to bed, but instead I found Cal sitting on the edge of the bed, crying.

"Cal? Cal, what's wrong?" I asked, nervous about seeing him cry. He had always seen crying as a sign of weakness, and I wasn't sure he'd appreciate me seeing him in such a state.

"I miss Rose," he said tearfully. I sat down next to him, wrapping my arms around him, tears welling up in my own eyes.

"I do, too," I whispered. "I miss her a lot."

"You're a good wife, Maggie," he sobbed. "But Rose was so wonderful! She was so wild!"

"Come to bed, darling, you'll feel better tomorrow, I'm sure," I told him, kissing his cheek. I was desperate to get out of this conversation as soon as I could.

"Why she had to fall in love with that Jack character, I'll never know. But if she hadn't run off with him, I'm sure she'd be alive. I'm sure she would love me still," he said. I tried to shut him out, to ignore him completely, but I could not manage to do so.

"Cal, you're drunk and you're tired. It's doing neither one of us any good," I told him, my tone becoming suddenly strict, my face losing all of its placid calm. He stared at me, shocked back to reality by the rough quality to my voice.

"Maggie, you look really pretty in this light," he said, seeming to snap out of his drunken, depressed state. I ignored him, sure it was just my eyes making me see things.

"Come on, Cal, stand up, I'll help you undress," I told him. He didn't move.

"Rose never took care of me the way you do," he continued. I abandoned the effort, and stood up, going to my own wardrobe and pulling out my favorite nightgown, the one with the French lace collar and sleeves, with the pink ribbon entwined with the lace around the collar. I took down my hair, letting it fall about my shoulders in a heavy, wavy mass, then stepped out of my dress. It was then that I realized I needed Cal's help to get out of my corset.

"Cal, help me," I said, walking back to him and turning my back to him, showing him the corset laces. He stood and put his hands on my waist, though I ignored that move. Then he spun me, making me face him. I stared up into his face, and noticed how bright his dark eyes were shining.

"You're even more beautiful than Rose with your hair down, you know that?" he told me. I didn't know what to say, unsure both about his sanity and his sobriety. He answered my unasked question, though, by bending down and kissing me even more violently than even James had kissed me.

He pulled me close to him, and took off my corset, throwing it to the floor. I didn't fight back when he kissed me again, this time even more violently.

"Tell me you love me," he said, pulling away but keeping his arms wrapped tight around me so I couldn't run away to evade the demand.

I stared up at him, not registering the words in my mind. I wasn't sure if he was talking about James or himself, because I always connected to word "love" with "James". But Cal had said "me."

"Tell me you love me," he insisted, kissing me again.

"I love you!" I yelled, and wrapped my arms around his neck, kissing him back. He threw me on the bed and climbed in, too, turning off the lights as he did so.

"I'm about to do the most beautiful woman in the world, goddammit!" he yelled. I didn't even care whether the servants heard. Let them hear! I was in love with Cal!