Author's Note: Here's a one-shot that came to me when I saw episodes 147 and 148—the flashback to Inu-Yasha and Kikyou's relationship, and how when he wanted to tell her his feelings, she didn't want to hear the words. Which is why I think he won't say them to Kagome, even though they're there—he's a once burned twice shy kind of guy. And it's in first person, fluctuating between Inu-Yasha and Kagome, ending in Inu's POV. As always, I don't own nor did I create Inu-Yasha, Rumiko Takahashi did (I bow humbly before her).
HEARTS' CRIES
It hurts….all this time I've accepted it and when I see him go to her…it still hurts….
I looked up with a sigh to a crystal clear sky, blue as a robin's egg, white clouds bright in contrast against the backdrop. Like the shinidama-chuu, the spirits that are Kikyou's messengers, gliding across the sky like white snakes, insidious and sending chills in my heart because I know what happens next….
His ears perk up like a faithful hound sensing its master's presence and then a side glance at me questioning and hopeful, to get my blessings, knowing he will. Then a perfunctory apology and he's off, leaping and gliding on the wind to rush to her side. He's then usually gone for some time, leaving me to wonder…
Thanks to Naraku's tricks I've seen the evidence---of the love that existed 50 years ago between Inu-Yasha and Kikyou. I've seen them locked in each others' arms, lovers embracing and oblivious to their surroundings and I've seen how Inu-Yasha's eyes close in ecstasy as he savors being with her. I've seen how Kikyou tries to resist but then surrenders as she melts in the warmth of his cocoon. I've watched in my minds eye as they kiss and in reality as she tried to drag him into hell. But he heard my voice and broke away before she could succeed...and yet...
He still runs off to see her when the shinidama-chuu come, drawn to her like a moth to a flame…inseparable.
Sitting on the grass outside of Kaede's hut I wrap my arms around my knees and bury my head as the tears come…. Love… hurts…..so much…
Our meeting concluded I stand and watch slightly wistful as she departs alone…again…
Flanked by her two shikigami, in the form of two human children---not surprising as she had always loved being with children and had things gone differently, she would have had children….our children. And they would have been fully human children as I would have been a man….not an inu hanyou, unaccepted by both worlds…
The Shikon No Tama was going to be used to grant me full humanity….and at the time, I longed for that so I could take the sadness from Kikyou's eyes and the two of us could forget the sorrows and burdens we carried to live together. She was mine and I was hers and I couldn't wait for that day…
…the day that never came….thanks to the filthy thief Onigumo and his desire for Kikyou driving him to be filled with youkai and then overtaken by the monster Naraku…damn him! I truly loathe him with every fiber of my being and will not rest until he is crushed….by my own hands. Kikyou had never told me of her harboring and nursing of the bastard and with good reason for if she had…I'd have made sure he took his trip on the river Styx, with my claws….
But she never told me and so her own pity for Onigumo was her downfall….and mine as well….the life we both wanted would never be….Naraku, the product of the thief's lust saw to that.
Things change as time passes….and although it makes me sad to see Kikyou's loneliness as she hunts for Naraku like me to get revenge for what happened to us, I know deep down that it's not the same between us as it was 50 years ago….time carved a crevice separating us as did the fact that for all intents, she is actually dead with a body made of clay and bones, while I am still alive…
I sigh heavily as I grudgingly accept the reality of the situation and gaze off in the direction from which I came, the village where Kikyou's sister Kaede dwells and where we all come to rest in between times as we search for Naraku. And I have mixed feelings as I start to walk back to return to the village, knowing what's waiting for me there….
So I walk at a slower pace on purpose as I feel the dread build in me, the closer I get to what I call home. I know that I shouldn't worry, as there was nothing that happened between me and Kikyou to feel guilty about, yet I know that the warmth of the sun will be supplanted by the coldness of suspicious glares by Sango, and Shippou, both out of a deep loyalty to….her.
Kagome…
I stop and close my eyes as I envision those beautiful eyes of the girl from the future that looks so much like Kikyou; so hurt as she sees me, knowing full well of the past and present bonds that continue to exist between Kikyou and me. She will meet my eyes unflinchingly, sadness buried behind them and then hide the pain with a little smile and I will feel even worse for having caused the anguish I can plainly see. Then she completely avoids me acting like I'm not even there, which hurts most of all. Miroku explained to me it's because she suspects my feelings for Kikyou are the same as they were 50 years ago and no matter how I show her they aren't, she still doesn't trust me…
Kuso, I curse my fate as I walk along, trying to come to terms with all my damned human emotions, as I face the fact that Kagome's sorrow pains me as if it were my own….nothing vexes or distresses me more then to see or smell the telltale scent of her tears, I despise it…and when I know I'm the one who caused them, I begin despising myself. It's my fault she's been in constant danger as she stays by my side, and I remember the raw agony I felt the times I thought I had lost her….especially when Mukotsu's poison nearly took her ….
My eyes burn with the sting of tears as I remember holding Kagome in my arms…feeling how limp she was, like a rag and I held her to me, my heart breaking with the knowledge that because of my own carelessness I was losing her. Then I heard her weak voice, telling me she couldn't breathe because I was holding her too tight…she was alive and joy filled me as the damned tears finally came…
I don't think she has any idea how much she means to me, how important she is….that when she goes back to her time I feel a sense of panic that one day, she will decide not to return…stay in that time of hers with all its comforts, her family, her friends and….
Anger rises inside as I pull out what I found in her knapsack the other day when hungry, I sought a cup of my favorite ninja food, the cups of what she calls ramen. She usually keeps a supply in there for me that she brings from her land but when I found the letter and read it, my blood boiled. I open up the folded parchment and read the words once more, fingering the hilt of my Tetsusaiga as the words cause rage to grow in me again…
Higurashi—taisetsu (How dare he address her so intimately!)
After another missed date (what the hell's a 'date'?)I decided to write to you. I waited by the carousel at the amusement park till it closed Sunday, waited for you to come---but you never came.
(Ha! Too bad---baka!)
I figured you probably got sick again and couldn't make it so I left the roses I brought for you there on the seat. It's okay though, 'cause I didn't buy them, my mom let me cut them from her garden. They had faded by the end of the day, anyhow and I can get more anytime I want them. When I give you roses, I want them to be fresh, with the dew still on the petals, lovely—like you.
(Keh, this idiot's just like the mangy moron Kouga, giving her flowers and using all that mushy sweet talk---it's nauseating!)
Higurashi, I want you to know my feelings. From the first day I saw you, I couldn't take my eyes off you (Feh, maybe if I go and gouge them out that'll keep them off her) You were so beautiful, the prettiest girl in the whole school (all the guys on my soccer team agree with me).
Is that so? Maybe the next time I go to Kagome's time and to her school, I'll let this lovesick simpleton and his cronies have a taste of my blade. Then they can look at other wenches and leave my Kagome….alone…
Sickened and infuriated I read on….Whaaat!
Remember when you were so sick with that cold and I brought you the basket of fruit? And I told you how I wanted you to open up to me?
(Open her up? Let him try and I'll slit him in two!) Because we're going together, I think of you as my girl and I want you to know that.
(His? What the hell does he mean his? She's not his, or Kouga's or anybody's, if she is anybody's she's mine. And they'd better get used to it.) Because I can't help it, I keep reading…and get even angrier….
Higurashi, (I can't even bring myself to call you Kagome)I hope you don't get offended by this but I did say I wanted to tell you how I feel so here goes...
I think about you all the time, everyday when I wake up I think about you and at night when I go to bed I think about you, then I dream about you at night.
(How 'bout I put you to sleep…permanently? Puny human bastard!) And in my dreams I hold you in my arms and kiss you---I hope one day my dreams will come true…
I crumple the paper and stuff it into my sleeve, unable to read another word….
Immediately, a growl rumbles in my throat as I feel the sick feeling of yet another someone else wanting her, wanting to take her from me. Even though I know it's wrong I then turn my anger toward Kagome as I wonder what the hell the wench does to have all these fools get so besotted and fall for her. I mean she's no beauty….
Feh, who am I fooling? She's the most beautiful creature I ever laid eyes on…but maybe it's those skimpy, revealing clothes she wears that shows every curve of her lovely body…it's scandalous since women in this time aren't supposed to show their bodies outside of….well…and men are men after all, damn them. I'm a man too and I admit that sometimes I think about her the way the mortal men do, especially after she bathes in a hot spring and her wonderful scent is carried over to my nose on a breeze…(sigh) I'm just as besotted as they are.
Anyway, we've kind of already seen each other without clothes several times….by accident of course, when I was fighting Toukajin, that fat sage that wanted to turn both of us into food for Nimenko his human fruit tree. He had stripped her of her clothes and had her in his kitchen to make into broth when I burst through to save her. And she jumped out, completely naked! I turned away as I became aroused and threw her my haori so she could cover up but the sight of her like that stays with me, in my mind to this day….and my body responds each time, causing me some embarrassment…
And she's seen me, like the time her little brother dragged me into that so-called bath where the damned kid almost boiled me alive…I ran into Kagome's room to escape and she threw things at me and screamed for me to get out. And that time Sesshoumaru's toady Jaken tried to steal the Tetsusaiga and created a hot spring so Miroku and I both took a bath…and then…she screamed at me and sat me! So there isn't anything we've hidden between us physically…
But when it comes to our hearts….that's another story….
(Sigh) I wonder if all this is worth it….I mean I am obligated to keep coming back here, I did shatter the Shikon No Tama, I mean the thing was actually inside me, and that centipede youkai dragged me down here and I brought it back. I also brought Inu-Yasha back from the sealing spell from 50 years ago when Kikyou pinned him to the goshinboku with her arrow…betraying him even though she loved him…
But she didn't really betray him, Naraku disguised himself to fool them both into hating and betraying each other…and they had loved…and still do love each other…or why else would he run after her every chance he get? And why would he act so…guilty when he comes back? I see the look in his eyes when he takes off, I've seen it on the guys in my class when they get all gaga over a girl…he tries to hide it but he's not like his brother, Sesshoumaru who never shows his feelings…
I look up at the clouds and indulge in a wish…a wish I know that will probably never come true…a wish that my heart makes, knowing that I'm yearning for something (or someone) that belongs to another…
I wish…just once…Inu-Yasha would look at me like he does Kikyou…and would be gentler in the way he talks to me….like he talks to her. Sometimes I think he sees me as a necessary burden, because I can see and find the shards of the Shikon No Tama and that once Naraku is defeated and he has all the shards, the reason for me to be here….will be gone.
I sigh as I remember with irony how I used to pity the girls in my school when they used to crush hard on some guy who either had someone else or didn't know they were alive…and I'd promise myself that it would never happen to me. Well, I guess it's true when they say "never say never 'cause it's happened…to me. Guess I'll never laugh at anyone else in that situation again…
Strangely enough Kouga comes to mind…I mean the guy has been chasing me and telling me he loves me since he kidnapped me…and I know he means it. He's always around to save me or shows me how he feels by holding my hands and once he even brought me flowers…man, that really ticked Inu-Yasha off! And I know that if I did return those feelings, that Kouga would be totally devoted to me….he's already shunned Ayame, the female yorokuzu who said he promised to marry her. And when he looks at me, his eyes get so soft and tender, he even ordered those remaining of his clan to not attack humans…all for the love of me…it flatters and disturbs me both at the same time because as much as I do care for Kouga….the same feeling he has….just isn't there. (Sigh) I know one day, I'll have to tell him but I know (as he said once) he'll never give up….even though he knows I'm in love with Inu-Yasha. Boy, the way the two of them constantly fight over me….
And back home there's Hojo…the class hunk, as my friends Yuka, Eri, and Ayume all call him, who persistently tries to date me, bringing me all kinds of health remedies and gifts…he's really worried about my "poor health". Man, I feel like such a player, because I'm so healthy, all these "diseases" are just excuses so I can come back here and help my friends find the jewel shards…If only they all knew….
I then reach behind me to my backpack and in the front pocket. Before I came back to the Sengoku-jidai, I went to school and Hojo handed me a note that I just slipped in the backpack and forgot about when I got home and Inu-Yasha was there waiting for me, impatient as usual. So I was rushing to get all the snacks and ramen I had bought for everybody and then came back. But I just remembered the note Hojo gave me….boy, he sure was anxious for me to read it and I admit I'm curious about it….
Now wanting to read the note, I rifle through the bag, trying to find the note, knowing I had stored it within. Getting anxious as I can't seem to find it, I begin removing all my things from the bag, my makeup, clothes, books, the ramen….then I realize that before he left to go see Kikyou, Inu-Yasha had been going through my bag to find the ramen he wanted. I remember he took what he wanted and then tossed the bag back to me….then he saw shimidama-chuu and took off…
Suddenly my heart sinks as I realize….Oh NO! Tears of frustration begin to fall….oh Inu-Yasha!
…………………………………………………………………………
As I walk back to the village I think about how there are still things I don't want to talk about. Humph, I just can't do it…I can't speak about my feelings even though I trust Kagome and the others….especially Kagome, I'd trust her with my life. I know deep inside that she would never betray me….
And I also know that I love her…I think about her all the time and even dream about having a future with her when I sleep, just like that human that wrote her the letter…but I can't say the words that are there, in my heart too. I just can't….
I remember the last time I wanted to say those words…to Kikyou…I remember that boat ride, the dock where we kissed…and how I wanted to tell her I wanted her to be mine, to be my wife…and her reaction… She laid a finger to my mouth and told me not to say it….
Then I wanted to tell her how I was truly in love with her….and again she told me not to speak the words, that she would bring me the Shikon No Tama. So I thought that we would share our words, our hearts when we took the jewel and made me human….
But that filthy beast Naraku, born of that scum Onigumo who lusted for Kikyou made sure that would never happen…first he disguised himself as Kikyou and scoffed at me, speaking to me in a voice with such contempt as she called me hanyou…so I went and ransacked the village believing that she was just like other humans, liars and untrustworthy…
I went and stole the jewel, this time with the purpose of making me all youkai so I would never have to rely on anyone ever. And I would never, ever trust another human….again. Then Kikyou called to me and fired her arrow at me, pinning me to that damned goshinboku, killing me….
Or so I thought at the time…yet as I slipped off I spoke to her…that no matter what, I still….loved her.
But here it is, fifty years later and I'm brought back to life when Kagome released me with her own miko powers….and when I first saw her, I thought she was Kikyou and so angry that she had the jewel….I tried to slay her….until Kaede-baba put the subjugation beads on me and told Kagome that she had only say the word….
I finger the necklace around my neck and my thoughts immediately are about hearing "that word" for the first time….and every time I've heard it since. It's a damned nuisance and a curse, especially when she uses it to keep me from killing that nosy baka Kouga and when I follow her back to her time and show up at her school…
But it's also a blessing as I know it's this necklace that ties me to Kagome…that because of it, I can go in the honekui-ito and follow her to her time….a time that has some strange manners and contraptions….like that one day a loud rumbling wagon came barreling beside where we were walking and thinking that we were in danger I went to take my Tetsusaiga and destroy the thing but she yelled at me…Keh.
Anyway, in spite of that I really like going to Kagome's time….I like her family, even though her brother can be a bit of a pest and her grandfather's kind of grouchy at times, her mother's always kind to me…...
And I'm so happy when I'm with her, in her room that's filled with her sweet scent comforting me so that I feel total peace there….hell, I even manage to get a good sleep there, on her soft bed with her right beside me….
(Sigh) Kagome believe me, I am truly in love with you….I know you long to hear those words and you deserve to hear those words from me, you who have honored me, shed tears for me, placed yourself in danger to remain by my side. You above all deserve to hear those words, spoken from my heart…
But I keep remembering the last time I wanted to say those words….and the reaction they got so I hesitate….you look so much like Kikyou but really you're nothing like her…so I don't say them and even insult you….afraid you'll hurt me too. Feh, I tell you I trust you but I don't really….at least not all the way. But I know when others flock around you I run the risk of losing you…and that hurts worse of all….yet I still push you away until I'm at the brink of actually losing you….
I look up and notice that through all my brooding, I've come to the end of the forest and the village is straight ahead…I take a deep breath and pick up Kagome's scent on the breeze and….
Her tears…..damnit! And I know she's crying because of me.
Now in a hurry to get to her, I leap up and rush to the village….Kuso, I HATE it when she sheds tears….and especially when I know I'm reason for them, and I'm sure I am….
(Sigh) I brush at my eyes, annoyed that I'm crying….but why now? Is it frustration over not finding Hojo's note? Fear that Inu-Yasha found it and probably took it? Or is it just residual from what's really bothering me….
You'd think I'd get used to this by now….I know he's still bound to Kikyou and always will be….and that he'll always run to her….but I can't….
I also know that it's my choice to be here….I made a promise that day by the honekui-ito when we realized neither one of us could (or wanted to) say good-bye….I had done some heavy soul searching and decided….no matter what….I would stay by his side….
And that means dealing with this….because I love him.
I then look up into the blue sky and I see a flash of red and white….Inu-Yasha's back…
I quickly wipe away the rest of my tears….and watch as he lands in front of me….
………………………………………………………………………
I see the village and Kaede's hut….Kagome's sitting on the ground right outside, all alone….Kuso, where the hell is everybody, suppose Naraku attacked and she got hurt? Nobody's there to protect her!
Grumbling to myself how I'm going to kill Miroku for leaving her alone I take a long leap, gliding on the breeze and land right in front of her, meeting her eye to eye…but her eyes look guarded, wary, and immediately I gird myself for the storm coming….
"Uh, yo," I say, uncertain.
"Hi," she says back, her tone showing her mood…bad….but I press on….
"So where is everybody?"
She sighs and replies, "Kaede was called to another village so Sango took her on Kirara. Miroku went to the square to take a walk, so I sent Shippou along with him so he won't go trolling for women."
"Feh," I scoff. "A lot of good that'll do. The bonzu's such a lecher he'll find a way to dump the runt or use him to attract the women."
"I guess," she says coolly. "It was worth a try, 'cause I promised Sango I'd keep an eye on him." She looks off to the side, avoiding my eyes and she seems….weird.
Kagome's manner concerns me, she's not her usual irate self like she is after I go see Kikyou. "So you're still mad at me?" I ask this knowing it's a moot point….I can tell by the look on her face she's mad….but I ask anyway.
"Hmmmm," she says in an odd, detached way. Then she turns and looks at me and asks, "Inu-Yasha, when you were rooting around in my backpack before, did you find….a note?"
Guilt grips me as I sputter, "N-note? What's a note?"
She sighs as she explains, "A short letter. Someone from my school wrote me a note and stuck it in my backpack. It's not there."
"So?"
She sighs again. "So, did you see it?"
I get nervous as I see that there is no way out so I reach in my haori and hand the parchment over to her. "Here," I say, feeling like a thief (actually, I did take it without her knowing so I did steal it, making me a thief).
Kagome takes the letter and her expression makes me very ill at ease. There's a mixture of emotions there, some I recognize like sadness and anger….and some I can't fathom…. She opens it up and begins reading….
I watch her as she reads the letter and I notice her eyes….they get bigger as she reads the words and when she finishes, she folds it and sticks it into her knapsack. Then it's my turn to look away as she stares at me and I feel guilty again as she asks softly….
"Did you read this?"
Still avoiding her steady eyes I nod and ask, "So who's this Hojo?"
She replies, "He's a guy from school. You saw him, he was in the play with me at the Culture Festival where you barged in, remember?"
My memory goes back to the time of the big fair at her school, on that stage where she was running into the arms of the baka that wanted to fight me with his flimsy stick of a sword…Keh, as if he could even hope to try to beat me and my Tetsusaiga….
"So that's Hojo, eh? Feh, I should've run him through when I had the chance." I growl as my anger kindles at the mere thought of him holding her….
But Kagome's own ire rises as she glares at me and snaps, "It's a good thing you didn't! Geez, that's why I didn't want you there to begin with, my time is not like yours. If you'd have killed him, I'd have had a lot of explaining to do. Not to mention that you would've been arrested and locked up."
I stare back at her and demand, "What the hell do you mean 'locked up'?" Keh, there's no way anyone would be able to lock me up, I'd destroy her entire village in the blink of an eye.
"Locked up, Inu-Yasha. As in jail. In my time, when you kill someone, you go to jail."
"What's a jail?" I ask.
She answers, "It's like a cage where those who kill or steal are locked up. All criminals go to jail."
Although I want to ask her what a criminal is I ponder upon this as I sniff, "There's no cage big enough to keep me."
"So what would you have done, trashed my home and city?" (Feh, it's like she can read my mind!) Kagome met my eyes unflinchingly, then turned her head away and sighed, "You're unbelievable. But I shouldn't be surprised."
I cringe inside as I see her expression…."fed up" as she says and a wave of fear rushes through me as I start to think that she might…."So you're really mad at me…for taking the letter," I say quietly.
But she sighs again and says, "It's not so much the fact that you stole my note and read it before I did. It's just the double standard."
Now I'm really confused. "Double standard? What's that?"
Kagome looks at me and her pretty face is so sad, it aches my heart. "It means that you can get upset and jealous about other men after me."
"I am not jealous!"
"Whatever. You can react to that but when you go to see Kikyou, I'm supposed to just accept it with a smile. That's a double standard Inu-Yasha, and it's not fair."
"Arrrrr," I growl as I turn away and realize she's right as always. But she doesn't know that when I see Kikyou, it's just my fulfilling of the promise I made, to protect Kikyou from Naraku who wants to kill her…..after all, she did die by his filthy hand before and I failed to prevent it, in fact was deceived by him as well. And I have to know where the beast is because Kikyou is more likely to be aware of where he could be with her miko powers….so I can slay him and get my revenge….
Yet I watch as Kagome sits there battling with her emotions….between what she wants and what she feels is right….to honor me….and the words of my heart bubble to the surface and find their way to my tongue….
I'm in love with you Kagome….I want you to live with me and be mine for always….
I reach forward to take hold of her and then stop as she hides her feelings and flashes a smile at me as she jumps up and speaks to me, stopping the words just before they made it to my lips.…
"But it's okay, Inu-Yasha. I said I would stick by you no matter what and I will." She reaches her hand to me and I take it. "You must be hungry, I'll make you some ramen."
Speechless by her gentle and sweet spirit, I rise to my feet to follow and I feel another piece of my heart falling into her hands….and the words….once again….leave my tongue and settle deep in there.
END