For I was Blind, Lord: Joyce

It was a shock…when they finally made me understand everything my little girl had been through. Everything that had happened right under my nose and I never realized it. Those years of Buffy going out and fighting…Vampires, Werewolves, and a host of other things that I had regulated to myth. In my stern, logical, adult mind, that's all they were, stories. Fancy's made to scare children. Not real.

My Buffy had been risking her life for years to fight…

It's a lot for any mother to take in.

But really, after I had time to accept what had been going on, the first thing I felt was, of all things, shame.

I had thought I was a better parent than that. Better than Hank, I thought I should have known Buffy well enough to know what was happening in her life. Or at the very least, that all was not well with my little girl.

She was dating a Vampire herself…one who had gone insane…

I understood that raising a teen on my own was supposed to be hard, but somehow, I doubt very many parents raise daughters who are also…Vampire Slayers.

My little girl, my Buffy, my cheerleading homecoming queen.

Had been killing monsters with the help of her friends for years. All of which without my knowledge.

It was so hard for me to accept everything that Mr. Giles told me. Everything that he explained.

My Buffy had died. She died! And I, her mother, didn't know.

Every bit of depression I saw, every explosion of anger, every emotion I had seen I regulated to the Divorce, or to the fact that she was growing up and some unrest was to be expected.

I was a terrible parent to not have realized that something else was wrong.

But what part of all those parenting books prepares you to have a daughter that is a demon hunter?

I reacted badly, when I got my first inkling of Buffy's new life. I gave her an untimatium that she simply couldn't accept.

I nearly lost her for good, to my own foolishness.

Later, when Mr. Giles…A Liberian, of all things…had a chance to sit down with me, and tell me the history, explained what and who he was to Buffy, explain Angel. The bond my little girl shared with the demon-who-had-lost-his-soul-and-gone-on-a-murdering-rampage, who was also, I came to find out, the creature my Buffy had lost her innocence to.

It was enough to give any parent chills.

I think Mr. Giles softened the tale a bit for me.

I still had trouble accepting it.

He tried very hard to explain how brave my little girl had been, how strong she was.

I cried, then, I cried a lot in those months while my Buffy was gone to who knows where.

I cried for the things I couldn't reclaim from the vampire, Angel, I cried for the horrors my daughter had seen, had done, the things that had been done to her, and all of the moments I had missed helping her. All of the moments I had been stern when I should have opened my arms to my little girl.

It's strange; now, I can look back and see two versions of those memories if I try hard enough. One of them involves a little girl named Dawn. Who pressed against my side and cried with me, admitting after awhile that she had known of some of the events, but had been sworn to silence by her older sister.

When Buffy came back, I was torn between two urges, one of them involved locking her in her room and never ever letting her out again.

The, the one I acted upon, involved sitting with her in my arms for hours as she haltingly told me of her choice…

Her Lover or the world.

…and those last, painfully wonderful moments with him in her arms.

Telling him to close his eyes…

And running him through, sending her lover to hell.

I cried with her, hating the demon that put her through this.

In those moments, I came the closest I ever would; I think, to understanding what it meant being a slayer.

I had hoped, for a very short time, after Faith appeared, that Buffy could…. retire…. I should have realized then, that my little girl was a Slayer through and through, it was in her blood, in her soul. Something she couldn't stop, not and still be my little girl. My Buffy.

I wanted her to stop slaying, much like any parents in my situation would have wanted, for their child to stop endangering themselves, but as I came to accept it, I wanted more and more to be a part of my little girl's life, but Buffy wanted to keep me as far away from her Slaying as she could. I guess that her reasoning made sense. But it was still frightening, especially after 'Angel' returned.

It scared me, finding out that Buffy had kept him a secret even from her friends. Her obsession with the vampire was never something I could understand, no matter how many times she tried to explain it to me.

Spike returned for a short time during Angel's 'return'. No matter what Buffy says, I trust him more than I ever will that Angel. Whatever else he may have been Spike was always kind to me, and to Dawn- There I go again, I meant for this to be a factual account, must remember to focus more on what I know is true. But Spike was always kind, he seemed almost...lonely when he returned. Told me about the troubles he had with 'Dru' his lover, his soul-mate he called her.

Angel appeared during the conversation, trying to 'save' me, from Spike. I honestly, even now, don't think that Spike would have harmed me, not really. The boy…I think he was looking for someone to mother him.

Buffy would hate me, if she found out what I did. What I told Angel to get him away from my little girl.

You don't know how many times I almost told her, how many times I nearly allowed it to slip in those long months of her not leaving the house except to slay.

I hated what his leaving had changed my little girl into.

She didn't smile, she didn't laugh. She just, existed, for months.

Maybe I was silly, for making him leave, but I wanted, even then, for my little Buffy to have a chance at some normality, something she would never achieve with a Vampire Boyfriend.

I was happy, when my Buffy started…recovering. Even if she did decide on UCS, I was still proud of her for continuing her education, as much as I would love to sprit her away into the unknown where she would never need to slay again.

It would never come to that…Buffy would be a slayer until she died. I've accepted that now.

These past few months, they've been so hard. But I'm so Proud of Buffy, and of Dawn. I don't care what magicks gifted me with the little girl who lays curled at my side, but I thank them for it. Dawn is so very precious, and so very strong. I am proud of both of my daughter.

They've handled everything so well. There's nothing more rewarding to a mother than to realize that her children are capable, and both Dawn and Buffy have proved themselves so very capable. I almost think Buffy handled the surgery better than I did, she was so ready to take care of everything. I guess that is one of the things that makes my daughter such a wonderful Slayer.

And such a wonderful woman.

I regret, sometimes, some of the things that I've done in my life, and some of the things I've done in regard to Buffy. But there is no child who could make her mother prouder than Buffy has me. I think, that whatever may come, whatever she might have to face in the days and years coming, Buffy will triumph, as she always has. I have no fear of that.

And to the monks, wherever you may be, if you're watching us now. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for choosing my family for Dawn. Thank you for choosing Buffy and I, Dawn is a treasure.

Now I must put my little treasure to bed, she'll be stiff and cranky if she spends the entire night on the couch.

Joyce Summers,

Febuary 21st.