I thought it was time to tell him how I felt about him, Sirius had died and Remus had always been there for me. We had gotten so close.

We were the only two awake in the house. We were sitting in the kitchen drinking the tea he had made us both. I looked at him and decided to tell him.

"So…we've got really close lately and I kind of thought…maybe…we could spend some more time together…"I started nervously.

"Okay," he said sounding unsure. He so wasn't getting it.

"As…you know…more than friends," I'd said it now.

"Oh," he said realising. "Well…"

"Because I really like you, really really like you."

"Tonks, we can't…"he began. I had known by Tonks what he was going to say.

"My name is Nymphadora and I love you, I don't care if you don't feel the same. I had to tell you. I didn't really expect you to like me anyway," I rambled.

"It's not that. It's just I'm a werewolf and I'm older than you and I can't get jobs."

"That doesn't matter and you don't have to make up excuses about why you don't want to go out with me. I mean it's kind of obvious that you wouldn't. I mean you only like me as a friend, which is cool." I stood up and turned towards the door, trying not to cry.

"Are you okay? I would go out with you if I weren't a werewolf, I swear. I just don't want to hurt you."

The tears were starting to leak out of my eyes.

"It's not your fault. I'm gonna go to bed now."

I walked up the stairs hardly able to see and not looking back. I opened the door and curled up on my bed, locking the door with a spell.

I couldn't believe it when she told me, I couldn't believe she felt the same. Then I remembered that we couldn't be together and silently but surely my heart broke.

She told me it wasn't my fault, but it was. It was my fault we couldn't be together, my fault we couldn't be happy. I saw her tears as she left the room and they hurt.

I went up to my room. Then I heard her sobbing and it felt like a knife in my heart, I hated my over sensitive for being able to hear her crying. I thought about going in, holding her and comforting her but I didn't. I knew that if I did it could give her hope and hope is a dangerous thing to have.

In the morning he was gone. I'd pushed him away to a place where he could easily die. He'd left a note under my door.

Nymphadora,

I've gone underground. Dumbledore has asked me to spy amongst the ferals and I have accepted the mission. I am sorry about last night.

Remus

When I read the note I broke down. I just started crying. It was hours before I stopped. I stood up and realised I had to face the world. I pulled out clothes and got into the shower, washing away my tears. I went to the mirror to decide on my appearance.

"Oh dear, you do look a mess," it said. And I did. I was in my natural form and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't change my appearance.

"Oh Remus, what have you done to me?"

"You know, I was in love before," a half drunk Remus told Tonks.

"So what happened?" Tonks asked.

"I loved her, she loved me. We were in our 6th year at Hogwarts. No one else knew. She knew what I was and she accepted it. We were happy." Lupin stared out of the window as though he was watching his memory.

"So what went wrong?"

"I realised that I would ruin her life. She was beautiful, intelligent, kind and if she stayed with me she would never be respected, never be all she could be. So I broke things off with her. It was the hardest decision I ever made, it was the reason I could break things off with you. I knew things would turn out ok, knew you would meet someone else."

"What happened to her?"

"She fell in love with my best friend. Prongs had loved her since our first year. They got married, had a baby and they were killed."

"Wait…Prongs? You were in love with Lily Potter!"

"I was in love with Lily Evans and she married James, had Harry and was killed by Voldemort."

"I thought you said things turned out ok."

"They did. She's better off than me. Stuck in another war, the last Marauder. The poor, lonely werewolf trying to do what's right and falling in love again. So, if you haven't realised we can't be together yet I'll tell you one more time. We can't be together; being with me would not make you happy. I am too poor, too old and too dangerous and I'd rather be alone with my memories, my ghosts than hurt you or anyone else I care about. You'll be fine, you'll meet someone who you will deserve who will deserve you."

"I'm not going to leave you alone with your ghosts," Tonks stubbornly protested.

"You have to, now go," he turned away, pretending she wasn't there and she left him to his ghosts.

"Hey Remus!"

Remus is my tutor for History of Magic, I'm in seventh year and I keep flunking. I met Remus through Sirius, my cousin; he's one of his best mates.

"Hey Nymphadora," Remus came into my room and I turned to glare at him.

"Don't call me that name! My name is Tonks!" I shout.

I take in his shabby appearance. My eyes rove from his grey-flecked hair to his amber eyes to his old, patched robes to his scars. He has bags under his eyes and he looks kind of pale, the war did it to him. He used to be more mischievous.

I sit down at the desk and he sits close to me. Occasionally his leg touches mine or he puts his hand on mine to point out a mistake. We work like this for half an hour before I suggest we have a break and eat. I collapse on the bed while he summons the meal.

"Thanks," I say. "God I'm tired…and bored."

"Nice to know you find my tutoring boring," he remarked.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean that." I blush and steer the conversation to another subject. "So how are you?"

"Bored," he jokes, laughing.

"You have a nice laugh, you know." I don't know where that came from but he's blushing and I have a weird feeling in my stomach.

"Thanks, I like the pink hair."

I wrinkle my nose and change my hair colour.

"I like that one too," he says.

We keep doing this and he keeps liking my appearance.

"Hmmm, how about…" I wrinkle my nose and I have long black wavy hair, green eyes and a heart-shaped face.

"Beautiful, I love it," Remus informs me.

"Really? It's me!" I'm surprised.

"I know."

It takes a while for me to realise he's saying he likes me but when I do he has no hope. I kiss him and he deepens the kiss. I cling to him passionately. The kiss is filled with longing and love and I am overwhelmed. Suddenly, he pulls away. I reach forward but he turns around and picks up his stuff.

"I'm sorry, I can't do this and I can't be your tutor anymore. In fact, it would be better if we just don't see each other again, ever."

"Better for who? I don't want to give this up!" my voice is thick and I can feel the anger welling up.

"You don't have a choice. You can't make me like you," Remus objected.

"I don't have to, you already do. Just give us a chance, give me a chance."

"I…I can't."

"Why don't you love me?"

"I shouldn't…I won't…"

"But you do. What do you want Remus?" he walks to me and kisses me again.

"But I can never have it. Never!" he says as he leaves.

I stare after him and start to cry. I know he knows but I don't care. I just realised why they call it heartbreak.

(6 years later)

I read the piece of paper again and look up just in time to see the house appear.

"Cool," I say in awe to Kingsley.

He knocks on the door and we stand there. Then I notice the doorbell.

"Why didn't you ring the bell? They probably didn't hear you knock."

"Don't," he starts, but I've already rung the bell.

The door opens suddenly and I gasp. It's Remus! He leaves to shut up someone who is screaming and I follow in a daze, tripping on an umbrella holder. I see him and Sirius pulling on curtains that cover a painting of Sirius' mum. They finally close them and painting turn around.

"Alright, who rang the bell?" Sirius asks.

I guiltily raise a hand and say, "Sorry, I didn't know. I'm new."

"Well, you're forgiven this time…" he waits for my name.

"What, you don't recognise your favourite cousin? I don't blame you really, my hair wasn't pink then." I change back into my true form for a moment before making my hair pink again.

"Tonksie?" Sirius asks. I nod and he hugs me. "I'll go get some food and then you can fill me in on what you've been up to this past decade." I laugh and he leaves Remus and me alone,

" I never thought I'd see you again," he said.

"I wished I wouldn't," I said and left to find Sirius.

Tonks was worried. After Sirius' death he'd become so distant, spending all his time in his room or the library, reading or looking at photos. She hadn't even seen him cry yet. Tonks had cried, a lot. She had cried for Sirius' too short, too brutal life; for Harry's loss of a father figure; for her loss of a decent family member and friend; she'd cried for the world and all the people who would never know how wonderful he was; for everyone who had known him and automatically loved him; and she had cried for Remus, Remus J. Lupin, her Remus, who had become the last Marauder.

She pulled back her long white hair and set off up the stairs of 12 Grimuald Place. She checked the library first, tripping over one of the chairs; he wasn't there though so she continued to his room. She stood outside for a long time, indecisive about whether she should go in. he shouldn't be alone through this.

"Remus," she called out. "Open up! Come on!"

No answer, she tried again a couple of times before Ginny Weasley came. Tonks liked Ginny, she was her mate and she knew that Tonks liked Remus, and approved.

"Hi Gin! He won't answer," Tonks said.

"Let me try something," she pulled out a dungbomb and threw it at the door…it bounced off. "Silencing charm."

"Thanks Gin," she smiled at her.

"Anything to help you and lover boy get together."

"Ginny, please, don't talk about it here. He may not be able to hear but other people can."

"So, everybody already knows."

"Would you like me to tell everybody who you like?" she paused for effect. "No? Then watch what you say." Tonks loved that she knew who everyone liked, except for Remus; he would never talk about it.

She took off the charm and knocked on the door. No answer, she slowly opened the door. He was there, sitting at the desk, rotating a glass of firewhiskey while turning the page in his book. She walked over and took the firewhiskey, downing it with one swallow.

"That's mine," he protested.

"Not anymore."

"What do you want? Other than to steal my drink," he asked.

"Come on, I'll take you out, you need to get out of this house."

"I don't want to."

"I'll take you out to a bar and pay for your drink."

"What is the difference between getting drunk here and getting drunk at a bar?"

"This house is depressing."

"True, but so am I. Admit it, I'm not exactly the best company of late."

"So, I'm not going to notice. I'll be drunk."

"Ok, deal, let's go."

"I'll be down in 5," Tonks said walking out the door. "Oh yeah, I'm good."

They entered the dark pub and walked up to the bar.

"So…let's get drunk. What will you have?" exclaimed Tonks.

"Firewhiskey," replied Remus.

Tonks signalled the bartender and he came towards her.

"What will you have, love?"

"Two bottles of firewhiskey and two glasses Tony."

"You're going all out tonight Tonks."

"We're drinking in memory of a dead friend."

"I doubt you'll remember him by the end of the night."

"That's kind of the point."

"I'll put it on your tab."

Tonks grabbed the drinks and they commandeered a table.

"Come here often?" Remus asked.

"Every now and then, when I'm depressed, dumped or out with my mates."

Remus pored the drinks, "To Sirius!" They knocked back the drinks.

"To my crap family, may Sirius' death be the last of the good guys' and the start of the bad guys'"

"To the Marauders."

"To Dumbledore."

"To Harry, may he not want me to be his godfather."

"To my mum, for getting me burned of the tapestry"

"To whoever invented this drink."

"Here, here."

"To Greyback, for biting me and making me able to drink."

"To Bill Weasley for introducing me to the world of drink."

"How did he do that?"

" Well, first he got me drunk and had his wicked way with me and then he dumped me the next morning and made me do some serious drinking."

"How old were you?"

"15…disgusting, I know."

"What the fact you had had a one-night-stand or that you hadn't drunk before then?"

"If I say the 1st I'll seem like a slut."

"True, I hadn't had sex then."

"I know a 16 year old who has."

"Ginny Weasley? Why didn't her brothers kill him?"

"I love how you assumed it was her…they didn't know, still don't. She's no angel."

"I didn't assume, I deduced. She's the only 15 year old you are friends with."

A couple of bottles later the bar closed and the walked, well staggered, home.

"I had fun Tonks. Doesn't happen a lot." Remus slurred.

"Me too, you look really nice tonight."

"That top is pretty, I like your eyes."

"You're only saying that 'cause you're looking down my top."

"Am not."

"You're taller than me, I know you can see down my top."

"Ok, nice bra. Can I kiss you?"

"Sure."

He leaned down and kissed her passionately. They walked to the house, undid the charms and went into the kitchen.

"Coffee?" Remus offered and started making some. It was taking a lot of restraint to stay away from her. She was sitting on the counter, smiling in that "come get me" way.

She wants you, said the wolf, go get her. Then the wolf came out, brought into the open by the coming full moon and the alcohol.

He pushed her further back and stood between her legs. He kissed her savagely; his hand was under her top and on her breast. She shuddered at his touch and kissed him harder.

"Upstairs…your room," she panted when they pulled apart to breathe. He pulled her up the stairs and into his room locking the door and casting a silencing spell.

When he turned she was standing there and he pushed her against the wall, her legs wrapped around his waist and they kissed again. The kiss was hard and filled with suppressed longing. They stripped and he steered her to the bed. She fell onto it and he joined her there and he joined with her.

I felt happy and warm. Neither of these two emotions am I used to feeling and I am highly suspicious that I both had a hangover and felt this good. I looked down and saw an arm slung over my chest. I followed the arm along and saw a body and then a head. Whoever was lying next to me had long, black, thick hair and a heart-shaped face. She looked like a cross between a female version of Sirius, Bellatrix and Andromeda. Tonks? It couldn't be, but it was. Why is she in my bed? Oh fuck! She's in my bed and we are both naked, please tell me there is another explanation. It's not that I don't like her…I do…a lot. It's just, it's not exactly the best time and we couldn't be together anyway, I'm a werewolf and old and poor. She probably doesn't like me. It was probably a drunken mistake. One night stand. She's waking up, oh god. She opened her eyes.

"Hi," I said nervously.

"Hi. Why…?" she seems confused and then her eyes widen. "Oh god! We didn't…we did?"

"Yeah, we did."

"I feel sick…that's not an insult."

"It's the shock…and the firewhiskey we drank last night," I explained.

"We had sex. What does that mean? I like you and everything…but…"

"Yeah, me too, but we're in a war and grieving and I'm a werewolf." I suddenly think of something. "You're not going to get pregnant, are you? I can't remember if we used a protection charm."

"I'm on the pill," Tonks says.

"The what?"

"Muggle drug, stops women from getting pregnant. It's better than potions. I get all my friends on it, even Ginny and Hermione."

"Hermione has had sex? With who?" I'm shocked, not with Ron obviously but with Krum?

"Krum and Ron."

"But they always fight and they aren't dating, Ronald Wealsey?"

"Neither are we."

"I think we should just pretend this never happened," I suggest.

"Deal."

She smiles and my heart flutters.

(At the end of the summer after Goblet of Fire)

He was kissing her. Remus Lupin was kissing Tonks. He didn't know exactly how it had happened but it had. Maybe she likes me back, Remus thought. He drank her in with all his heightened werewolf senses. Her smell, her taste, her hair, her eyes, her skin against his, her mouth moaning, her tongue probing. Remus Lupin knew he would always remember this day.

They stumbled backwards, trying to get to the bed. They were both naked and Remus Lupin's final thought, before he became totally submerged in his love, was she loves me.

The next morning she wasn't there in the bed they had shared. All traces of her were gone and he closed his eyes and prayed it was not just a dream. Even if it had been real, if she cared she would be next to him. He went downstairs for his breakfast. By nighttime he realised he hadn't seen Tonks more than once all day. She must have been avoiding him. Well, she could avoid him all she wanted; he didn't want to see her. No, that wasn't true, he always wanted to see her. He wanted her by his side everyday. But it would never happen, she obviously didn't care, that didn't mean he wanted to hear her say it. If she said it, it was real.

Eventually they were stuck together on guard duty.

"We should talk," she said.

"I don't know...it depends what you're going to say."

"The other night, it was a mistake. It was lust and the war. I don't care about you like that."

He closed his eyes, he had known it was coming but it still hurt. It cut like a blade, deep, deep in his heart.

"I understand, you didn't mean it…you don't…" he stopped, unable to go on.

"I'm so, so sorry. I didn't want to hurt you. I never wanted that…but I couldn't pretend to care."

"I guess it's better now, I mean, I didn't really think you would, I hoped but…I'll be fine. I just need to be alone. I can do guard duty by myself," he was trying so hard not to cry.

"Remus," she whispered.

"Just leave, Tonks, please leave," his voice cracked and when Tonks turned to look back at him at the door he had his head in his hands, tears pouring down his face.

(2 years later, at the end of Half-Blood Prince)

"I love you Remus, why can't you understand?" Tonks cried.

"You had your chance 2 years ago, you were the one who threw it away. Now you can suffer, just like I did. Crying, depressed, suicidal, lonely, convincing yourself it's for the best, listing the thousands of reasons why it was wrong for us to be together, stopping yourself from feeling love. I had no one left, Tonks, after Sirius died. My parents never loved me and were dead, James was killed, Peter betrayed us, Sirius died and you had broken my heart a year before. You didn't come to see if I was all right. Now Dumbledore is dead and you say you love me. You don't love me, you haven't met the real me for the last two years, you've seen a shell. A shell with nothing to look forward to or hope for, a shell filled with darkness. I remember repeating that night over and over in my head, hearing your voice telling me you cared. That night was better than a million dreams and the nightmare that followed was worse than a billion nightmares. It took you less than ten minutes to kill me. So suffer, feel that I've broken your heart, but remember you broke mine a long time ago."

"I was wrong, ok. I realised what I had done after. I knew that you had trusted me and I had lied and left you, despite knowing what it would do to you. But having two people with broken hearts doesn't help. It doesn't change things of fix things. As sweet as revenge may be, love is a thousand times as sweet. Shakespeare said that in the Tempest. I can't fix your heart or make you love and trust me. I don't deserve it but that doesn't mean I shouldn't have it. Please Remus."

"You know a mistake was made that day, it was loving you."

With that Remus left and this time it was Tonks who was left crying.