A/N Heyla! This is just a note I forgot to put at the beginning of the story! This story is rated T, but there is swearing and adult themes, so if you think the rating should go up, don't report me, just tell me! I don't mind changing it at all! It basically has the same sort of things as you would see in any ER episode. So I'm guessing, since you're reading ER fiction, you're alright with them! This chapter has quite a bit of swearing actually... nothing to serious though.

Also, Lucky Charms are my FAVOURITE cereal, but alas, they no longer have them here in the UK. This is one reason why I 1) am jealous of Americans and 2) am going to live in America when I'm older. If anyone wants to send me a few crates of Lucky Charms they would have my undying love! I mentioned this because they're mentioned in this chapter... albeit briefly!

And the song from this bit is talking about Ray on stage... just to clear that up.

Chapter 7- Neela

"He could lick 'em by smiling, he could leave 'em to hang."

David Bowie "Ziggy Stardust"

I woke up the next morning but didn't move for at least five minutes. I was just so comfortable and content. Yes, I was sleeping on a lumpy sofa, but that wasn't what mattered. What mattered was that I was there with Ray. Shit, I knew it was wrong, I knew I shouldn't be enjoying the feel of his chest beneath my head but that morning... I just couldn't help myself. As he breathed softly, his chest rose and fell, and I could feel his breath tickling the top of my head. His arms were encircling me and I found myself picturing that this was what it could have been like -if only I'd said no to Michael.

I knew Ray had once cared for me, we had once had more than a friendship. I'd tried to kid myself that he hadn't, but I knew he had. All I had to do was remember his face when I told him I was moving out, or the night I did move out and he admitted it out loud;

"I can't help how I feel, Neela."

But that was a lifetime ago, and no doubt he'd moved on. I wasn't that special, and I couldn't deny the fact that girls throwing themselves at him was a regular occurrence. Why would he remember me, his room-mate who he'd happened to get close to, more than anyone of his numerous one night stands? I had probably been a passing phase. I had once hoped that he was a passing phase, but I admitted something to myself, for the first time, when I was lying there -so close to him.

I loved him.

I should love my husband, I shouldn't love this ghost from my past. But Ray meant so much to me, and I knew I'd never be able to forget about him. Regret overwhelmed me and I found my eyes filling with tears. Why was I so stupid, why had I denied my feelings back then, when it would have been so much easier to do something about them, why had he only begun to feel something for me after I was married... why was I here now? Tears rolled down my cheeks, leaving damp patches on his t-shirt. I wanted him to comfort me, but I knew if he did I might do something stupid. I had to put a wall up between me and my feelings, I'd done it once before by moving out, otherwise they'd overwhelm me like these tears and I'd end up hurting everyone.

Suddenly I felt his hand stroking my cheek, smoothing down my hair. "Don't cry Neela," he whispered.

I froze in his arms. I hadn't known he was awake.

"Are you alright?" He asked, his voice thick with sleep. I looked up at him and he smiled down at me, yawning.

"Yeah... I just... it's nothing."

"Neela..." he said, but before he could say anything else I got up.

"Do you want some coffee?"

He paused, then shrugged, "Yes please."

I went to the kitchen and leaned against the side, just as I had done yesterday at Abby's. It seemed making coffee was getting to be a big excuse for me to try and sort myself out. Of course, it was only a minute or so before Ray padded in and sent my brain whirling once more. He was wearing a grey t-shirt and sweat pants that were a little too short for him. His hair was sticking up in a very cute manor. Shut up idiot, I thought to myself.

He yawned and stretched, raising his arms above his head, so I got a glimpse of his stomach, before winking at me, "I'm so beat."

"Me too," I replied, glad he wasn't going to mention my tears.

"Is Jasmyn not up yet?"

I shook my head, "It's only seven."

He gaped at me, "What the hell am I doing up then?"

"Don't ask me," I said with a smile.

"Stupid couch's fault," he muttered.

"I'm sure. We probably should have actually gone to bed. Or you should have, seeing as it was me who fell asleep first."

He looked embarrassed or something, then said, "Yeah I probably should have..."

I looked at him and he looked right back into my eyes. I felt like he was trying to tell me something, something he shouldn't or couldn't tell me out loud. But I'd never been physic so I asked bluntly;

"What?"

"Nothing," he said, shaking his head.

I was about to ask more but I heard a bump and then crying coming from his room. "Shit!" I shouted, and ran through. Jasmyn was sitting on the floor, looking shocked, tears filling her eyes, her mouth wide open, screaming. "What happened?"

"I go bump!" She wailed.

"Aw, honey," I said, cradling her in arms. "It's alright, Neena and Wray are here."

"I want Mommy!" She shrieked.

I looked at Ray, who was standing in the doorway, "Abby is going to kill me if she gets a bump or something."

"She'll be fine," he said, but he too looked worried at the thought of Abby's vengeance for injuring her child. "It's not that big a drop."

"Yeah, I guess you're right. You want breakfast sweetie?" I asked, trying to placate the crying child.

She nodded woefully and clutched Ray's teddy. I carried her through and sat her on a chair at the table. I began searching the cupboards for cereal. Ray came behind me and reached over me to one of the cupboards, pulling out a box of Lucky Charms. As he moved back he brushed against me and I shuddered involuntarily at his touch. Stupid bodily reactions.

"Hey," he whispered, "How come you don't call me honey or sweetie?"

I laughed, "Because you are neither of those things."

He chuckled as he went to pour Jasmyn a bowl. If only he knew the things I wanted to call him... shit, shit, shit.

That Saturday I found myself hogging Abby's bathroom all night. I'd been in there for an hour or maybe two when she started knocking on the door; "Neela! Jasmyn needs to pee. And so do I!"

"Sorry, one minute!" I called back. I looked at myself in the mirror. I had just about managed to reach the perfect compromise between looking like I'd tried and looking like I'd just rolled out of bed. I hoped I had anyway. I was wearing dark blue jeans and red shirt with ¾ length sleeves that matched the colour of my lipstick. My hair was curled and I had put grey eye-shadow over my lids. I went out and Abby gave me a wolf whistle.

"Who you trying to impress?" She asked with a knowing look, before running into the bathroom.

"Ignore her, Neela, you look lovely," Luka said, looking up from the table where he was filling in some paperwork.

"You're sweet, no wonder Abby grabbed you," I said with a smile.

"I heard that!" Abby shouted from the bathroom.

"You were meant to!"

Luka laughed, "You two are insufferable, when are you leaving?"

I checked my watch, "Crap, half an hour ago!"

He chuckled again, "Have fun."

Abby came out of the bathroom, "Are you going?"

"Yes, I'm already late!"

"It's Barnett, he's always late."

"I'm not though, I should be setting a good example or something!" I said with a smile, "I'll try not to be too late back."

"Be as late as you want, just don't wake me up. If you do, I'll have to kill you," Abby said, with a serious look on her face.

"Alright!" I said, as I walked out of the door.

I got off the El and walked towards the club feeling incredibly excited. It had been months since I'd been out, and even then Michael and I always tended to go for a meal, we had never been to a club. And of course, I was going to see Ray perform.

There is something about Ray when he's up on stage, something bloody magical. He looks so beautiful when he's concentrating so hard on his singing, or his guitar. It was always fantastic to see him practising at home -I mean our apartment, when it was "our's". But on stage, with the audience going wild around him... Let's just say it's very hard not to be one of those girls who throw their clothes off and wait in his dressing room. That's a true story, he told me.

I was about to go and queue with the rest of the crowd, it was a bloody long line but I didn't have much choice, when I heard a call behind me;

"Dr Neela!" I looked and saw Brett running up to me. "Hey, what are you doing lining up? You're on the guest list."

"I am?"

"Sure! You think Ray would let his favourite room-mate queue up with all the rest of these maniacs?"

"He never said," I said, ignoring the "favourite room-mate" bit.

"Come on," he said, making his way to the bouncers. "Hey Joey. This is Neela Rasgotra, her name's on the list."

The bouncer checked his list, then opened the velvet ropes. "Have a nice night," he said cheerfully. I always found it weird hearing something so nice coming from those big burly men, but I'd been to a few gigs and stuff with Ray and realised that no matter how scary a bouncer was, they were usually just a friendly guy underneath. In fact, many of them had a fondness for licorice. Another of the stories Ray had told me.

I followed Brett into the welcome room, gave the girl my coat and then let him pull me through the crowded dance floor to the bar. I used to try and push through myself, trying to be independent, but I'd soon realised it was just a hell of a lot easier to let someone tall pull you through. People didn't tend to notice someone of my height meekly squeaking "Excuse me!"

"I'd buy you a drink, but I'm broke. And we're on in five minutes!"

"You're cutting it fine," I said, laughing. Brett always cut it fine.

He gave me raised eyebrows, "Actually, so are you. What's happened to the punctual Dr Neela I used to know and love?"

"She realised her outfit had been coloured in with felt tips five minutes before she was due to put it on and had to make a new plan." He gave me a confused look, "I'm staying with Abby and her eighteen month old daughter."

"Oh!" He said, grinning, "I don't see why you don't just stay with Ray, he's got the room. Hasn't he asked you yet?"

I shook my head. "It's fine at Abby's."

"I'll have a word with him, teach him some manners," Brett gave me a smile, "Got to go and impress my fans, I'll see you after."

I wanted to tell him not to say anything to Ray about the apartment but he had already disappeared into the crowd. I sat on one of the only empty bar stools and ordered a rum and coke. I was in the mood for trying something new, and I remembered the beer here was pretty disgusting. I turned when I heard the opening chords of a familiar song. Ray was standing centre stage, a spotlight on him, his guitar in hand, fingers walking up and down the frets. I tried to look at the others, Brett was singing this one, but my eyes kept drifting back to Ray. Every now and again he'd look up at the audience and give his grin, before singing a harmony into the microphone.

The next time he looked up his eyes scanned the audience before locking on me. There was another moment like that one in the kitchen when I felt him trying to tell me something. I looked back at him, knowing I should look away but feeling unable to drag my eyes away. I felt like he wasn't just looking at me, but he was looking inside me. I felt like if I'd wanted to I could have parted the crowd with a wave of my hand and walked straight to him. I felt like all I needed to do was start walking to him and everything would be once I was in his arms.

Then my cell phone rang.

I cursed to myself, muttering even though no-one would be able to hear me over the music. I flipped it open as I tried to push past everyone, but of course I was going in the wrong direction -everyone else was trying to get to the stage, not away from it. "Hello?" I shouted.

"Neela?" I could barely hear but I recognised my name.

"One minute!" Finally I burst out of the main room of the club and walked along the corridor to the toilets. "Hi, sorry. Who is it?"

"It's Michael."

"Michael..." I breathed.

"I'm sorry, it's late there isn't it? I thought you might be sleeping." I could hear the implication in his tone; But you're obviously not.

"No, I'm at a club."

"Oh."

God, should a conversation with your husband be this tense? I guess it would when the last conversation you'd had with him had been you telling him you were leaving to go stay in another city.

"I miss you Neela."

"I miss you too," I lied, trying to sound cheery, "How is it in Texas?"

"We just arrived an hour or so ago, it seems fine."

"Oh," I said again, unable to think of anything else.

"Are you having fun? How's Abby?"

"She's fine. Jasmyn's a rascal. Yeah, it's lovely seeing everyone. I went to the hospital a couple of times."

He gave a forced laugh, "Good old County. Everything ok there?"

"Yup."

"Good."

There were a few moments of silence then I said, "Well, it was nice talking to you, Michael. I'd better go."

"Neela, please... we need to talk."

"Do we?"

"Of course, I need to know... what are you thinking? Please don't hate me... I wish we didn't have to move but I can't do anything about it... Neela, talk to me, I'm your husband, I only want the best for you."

"I know Michael." If only he knew this had nothing to do with us moving, or if it did, that was the least of our problems.

"Do you still love me Neela? Because I love you."

"I... I have to go," I said, before hanging up quickly and then switching my phone off. I couldn't say it to him, I had only just admitted it to myself, but I couldn't stop the words echoing through my mind, the words I should have said a long time ago.

No, I don't love you any more Michael.

A/N MWAHAHA! Wanna know why I'm laughing evilly? Well, I shall tell you, I have finally managed to get this posted! I got round the system! Fanfic wasn't let me post, but my lovely friend Belle (hear more about her on our brilliant site, MeBe which is listed as my hompage -it's a site for every fan of fanfiction!) I managed to get around it. Oh ya! Anyway, hope you liked! More very soon!