Hey everyone! I'm Sora, the 23-year-old hero of light! And President of the King Micky Play House Club! The last two days have been crazy wazy and everyone needs to know about it!
It all started when my mommy killed herself after I caused her to 'miss carriage'. I don't know how me punching that annoying bitch in the tummy wummy caused mommy to miss her carriage, or killed my tummy baby brother. All I know is I don't ever have to worry about her nagging me to get a job again!
That's not even the best part! The best part is that I now get to live with my cousin Kairi! She's so cool and cute!
The next day when I got to her apartment, Kairi was there to greet me! She looked annoyed to see me, but I know that was only because she must have heard about how much my mom nagged me.
"Listen I don't know why you have to live with me, but there are going to be rules."
Her stern voice made my fireman hard! But I knew a good boy like me shouldn't do naughty stuff on the first date!
"I like rules!"
"...Rule one, don't yell."
I felt so silly, and covered my mouth! She stared at me for a moment, clearly proud!
"...Rule two, I want complete privacy whenever my boyfriend comes over."
I was absolutely shocked! "You have A B-BOYFRIEND?!"
She smacked me! "What did I say about being quiet?!"
Her smack made my fireman spray his hose! The white water soaked right through my Final Fantasy 7 underpants! "I like being hit! Hit me again!"
Kairi clenched her fists! "J-J…Just go to your room! My boyfriend is coming over tonight, so don't come out until he's gone!" She unclenched her fist, " Unless you need to use the bathroom, then you can go…"
Kairi stormed out of the room! Not only did she blue ball me, but she didn't even provide me with food!
"But Kairi! I need food for my tummy if I'm going to be in a room for so long!"
I jumped up and down so she knew I was hungry!
"There are chicken nuggets in the freezer! Just make a bunch of those or something!"
"…TENDIES!"
"QUIET!"
"...tendies…"
I spent the next 3 hours feasting on Tendies and playing the Final Fantasy VII Remake on my PS5! Mommy bought it for me after I lied to her about getting a job! Dumb bitch should have known better! But then suddenly, I pooped my pants!
"OHH NO!" I slammed open the door, and rushed to the bathroom! I pooped a little in the hallways! But not a lot, because I'm a Big Boy! "MAKE WAY FOR POOPY POOOOO!"
To my horror, the door was locked! I slammed my fists on the door as hard as I could!
"Occupied!" Some guy replied!
"NOOOO! I NEED IN! I'M GOING TO-"
As hard as I tried, I ended up pooping on the floor! I was so embarrassed!
"What the fuck?!" I looked over and saw Kairi in her girl underwear! "Are you fucking kidding me?!"
I started crying! "I'M SO SORRY!"
I ran back to my room and cried on my pillow! After what felt like forever, I started hearing drilling and hammer noises! I tried to open my door, but it was stuck!
"I'll let you out when Riku leaves tomorrow morning! This is your only fucking warning! Next time your sleeping in the streets!"
I heard her walk away, and slam her door shut. I couldn't believe it! Not only did she trap me in my room, but now she's going to hit this Riku guy to make HIS fireman hard! I bet he was friends with Kairis' boyfriend!
I cried more and more until I realized I needed help! I searched through a box of stuff and found my handy dandy magic can of friendship! After spraying the can in a paper bag, I huffed it until my head went super light! Then, I saw Donald and Goofy!
"Well hey, Sora! Haha! How's it going?" Goofy asked! He's such a good friend!
"Bad! Kairi trapped me in my room and is going to make Rikus fireman hard!"
Donald and Goofy gasped! See, this is how you can tell they are my best friends! Donald tried to say something, but the magic spray made my brain too spinny to understand him!
"Wow! He didn't understand a thing!" Goofy correctly pointed out!
Goofy cleared his voice! Such a gentleman!
"Donald thinks that this Riku guy is a Heartless! And you need to use your magic Keyblade to stop him!"
He was completely right! My Final Fantasy/Disney crossover explains everything about the Heartless and my Magical Keyblade! It can open any lock!
"Yeah! Riku must have taken control of her mind, and my butt! That's why I pooped!"
I ran to my closet and grabbed my Keyblade! My dumb bitch of a mom always said it was a baseball bat! Well, look who outlived who! Survival of the fittest!
"Yeah! Survival of the Fittest Sora!" Goofy cheered, almost as if he read my mind!
With my mission clear, I used my Keyblade to open the door. It took more swings than I can count! That's how I knew Kairi was taken over by a Heartless! Or maybe… A Nobody… But now is not the time for that! I still need to finish the story!
I could hear loud music playing from her room. Really weird music too! No no noises were in the background!
"I'm coming Kairi!"
I opened the door and saw a naked guy tied to a bed! He couldn't move and had something in his mouth!
"That must be Riku!" Goofy is so smart! "This must be a Heartless ritual! Now is the time to strike!"
I lifted my Keyblade up and approached him! Riku tried to scream, but the thing in his mouth muffled it! What a dumbass!
"DIE HEARTLESS DIE!"
I hit him 3 times in the fireman, then 5 in the head! Then kept hitting him in the chest!
"DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DI-"
"WHAT THE FUCK!"
"AAAAHHHHHH" Without thinking I swung my Keyblade around, and hit someone!
"Oh no!" Goofy panicked! "You killed Kairi!"
I got so scared! "WHAT DO I DO?!"
Donald had my back, and pulled out a formula for a potion!
"Wow! All I have to do is mix vegetable oil and pee in a frying pan?! I can do that right now!"
I ran to the kitchen, and threw everything around until I found it! Vegetable oil! I poured all of it in a frying pan, then peed in it! It leaked out on the gas-powered stove!
"Oh no! You better make this quick before you lose more!" Goofy panicked.
I turned the stove on, and flames shot everywhere! "AHHHHHHH BURNY PAIN! BURNY PAIN!"
The fire spread quickly! So I thought fast and ran out of the apartment! Goofy and Donald followed perfectly behind!
As we made it outside, we saw that the fire had spread through the entire building! People were screaming and crying out for help!
"Wow, I bet all of those people were Heartless!" I correctly assumed!
"You got that right!' Goofy agreed!
As we were running, a car drove by! When it saw us, red and blue lights turned on!
"Bhaaaaahhhhh! Organization 13!" Donald yelled! And I could understand him! YAY!
We ran out into a nearby cornfield! We were super sneaky and knew that Organization 13 would never find us! They have no idea what kinda heroes they are dealing with!
Wasn't that a great story?! This is just the beginning! Just wait until we escape this cornfield!
…Wait, they have a helicopter?!
"Surrender now, or we will be forced to take you out!" The Organization 13 member yelled through a megaphone!
Those jerks won't take me alive! The Keyblade chose me! And-