Chérie, parchments and quills.
Chapter six - Precarious nature of trust

Monday, September 6th 2010

Harry's second year Slytherin and Gryffindor class were due soon, but he found himself sat at the teacher's desk staring at the magical parchment with the purple quill in his hand.

Tau hadn't written anything since Friday night, not one word over the weekend or today so far. He was worried that Tau would contact Le'Amortentia and request a cease of contact. He desperately hoped that wasn't the case, that Tau would reply and they could continue this instead … whatever this was. He missed Tau, missed being about to converse with the mystery man behind the parchment.

Over the last three weeks, he had grown used to having someone to talk to that didn't know him for the 'boy-who-lived'. He thought they were developing a real connection between them, one that promised a possibility of a face to face meeting one day. The thought that it was all just suddenly over, hurt in ways he wouldn't have expected at all; he felt lonely and disappointed - a sense of dejection twisted with perplexity shadowed over him, and it was as if he was grieving for man he had never met.

It was stupid, he knew he would get over Tau, but he didn't want to get over him. That was what shocked Harry the most, that he was so desperate to keep Tau in his life - even if it was just on parchment. Three weeks and he was already growing attached. It had only been a few days since he'd last spoken with the man, yet the thought of losing Tau completely was enough to make him realise how important Tau was becoming … or how important he already was to him.

Was he that desperate for company, for connection and love, that he would dive right in and take whatever came? Was he really that easy?

No! If that were true, he could have had any man that promised loved and devotion - even if they were just after his fame. What if that was the problem though? This was the first man to like him and not know of his fame, and that right there was so appealing - being liked for who he was and not what he had done, or what the books and news had said he'd done anyway. He liked Tau, was sure it was mutual, and was sure they would have at least started a good friendship together if it didn't lead to romance.

"Mr Potter!"

Harry's head snapped up and he blinked as he took in his full and waiting class of second years. Every single student was sitting with their books, parchment and quills, and wands ready to go. He smiled, embarrassed, as he put down the purple quill in his hand and stood up. He hadn't been having a mind haze episode this time, but he was certainly lost so deep in his thoughts that he hadn't heard his class arriving.

"We can't be that boring sir!" Carlton Anderson stated, a Gryffindor with shoulder length brown hair pushed back from his face.

"Day dreaming of anything interesting this time sir?" Lilium Zabini smiled, eyebrows wiggling suggestively. Lilium was just like her older brother Blaise Zabini. He had met Blaise a few times regarding his sister, as their mother wasn't too willing to be involved in her daughter's schooling. Blaise was just as out spoken, loud, and brazen as Lilium was.

"Merlin forbid if I were, and you were to find out about it Miss Zabini. But no, unfortunately. Thank-you for alerting me to your arrival, and no, never boring Mr Anderson." He smiled at his students as he walked around his desk. "I trust you all had a great summer vacation, it's good to see you all back for your second year."

"Good to be back sir!" Richard Emerson shouted, an outspoken Gryffindor. "What are we doing today?"

"Ah. Well, I'm sorry to say that after you all hand in your summer essays … I need you all to do a start-of-year recap test." Harry winced at the noise of protest, the complaints only getting louder the longer he allowed them.

"Oh, come on sir! It's our first defense against the dark arts lesson of the year."

"Yeah, and we've done too many start-of-year tests already."

"I can't believe-"

"It's so unfair that-"

"Alright, alright! That enough now, settle down!" Harry's deep voice boomed across the room. His students hardly ever heard him use this tone, and it successfully silenced the room. "It's a simple test recapping on what you remember from last year. It should be easy enough, and you don't have worry about marks because I won't be marking it. The idea, as you should be aware of by now, is to decided what first year material needs to be revised. I can forgo the test if you like, but then I will be forced to give you an immense load of homework covering the entire curriculum of first year. If you want the extra homework, and would like to see your current defense against the arts teacher run screaming from his private chambers in the middle of the night, barefooted and in his pajamas, because he went crazy with the work load, then perhaps that can be arranged?"

A few students laughed at the image he'd painted.

"As funny as that would be sir, we'll do the test!" Alice Graves giggled.

"Yeah, you're one of our best teachers sir. The others teachers are older and not much fun in classes." Alexander Marston said, nodding along with the majority of the class.

"Be careful what you say Alex, I might think you're being disrespectful." Harry warned him with a half-smile.

"Sorry sir!" Alexander apologised.

"Right!" Harry stood up straight and clapped his hand together. "Summer essays please!"

Harry was back to staring at the magical parchment, but this time he was in his private chambers, sitting at the kitchen table surrounded by essays and homework he had yet to grade.

He had been trying to decide all day if he should write something to Tau or not. He didn't want to come across as desperate, but he really wanted to know if Tau was still speaking with him or not. 'Damn it.' He though, picking up the quill and deciding to just go for it. He'd never get any work done if he just sat there staring and waiting.

Message to Tau:

Hey,

How was your weekend?

Work has been keeping me busy but I must admit, it has been rather dull without your words to brighten things up a bit.

I hope you are well,

Padfoot. x

Message end-

Merlin, he sounded like a sap, but at least he'd tried. He could do no more now other than wait … and hope.

Dinner time rolled around and Harry joined the teachers at the dining table. McGonagall had sent him a note earlier asking him to join them for dinner. It was her way of politely reminding him that the teachers were expected to attend the evening meals with the students - at least for most evenings during the week, and was also her way to ensure he didn't keep skipping meals. He swore that woman had self-claimed herself to be his grandmother – not that she would say that or admit it, but she was always concerned about his health and well-being. He wasn't complaining; he liked Minerva McGonagall, she had always been there for him when he needed a wise conversation, but he wished people would only 'offer advise' if he asked for it.

He'd ended up sitting at the end of the table, next to Draco Malfoy, and as he'd sat down Minerva had leaned forwards and greeted him.

"Good evening Mr Potter, it's nice to have you with us for once." She'd smiled in satisfaction as Harry started to fill his diner plate, before turning to continue her own food, and her conversation with Professor Flitwick.

"Hey Draco." Harry greeted him with a nod, filling his mug with coffee. Caffeine had certainly become a necessity if he had any hope of getting through all the students' homework, along with lesson plans and such.

Draco just lifted his fork in recognition, and nodded once before continuing on with his own food. It looked like the blond was eating what was left of his Yorkshire pudding and mash potatoes, the veg and meat already eaten. Harry had chosen a small scoop of carrots, lots of beef and a bit of gravy.

Harry ate in silence, watching the students as his duty as teacher, and wondering what pudding might be sent up tonight. Once the main course was finished, he found out: Double chocolate gateau, black forest gateau, ice-cream, and fruit salad bowls. He sighed … no treacle tarts.

He heard a snort of amusement from his right, and he turned his head to see the blond helping himself to the double chocolate gateau.

"What?" He asked Draco.

"It's obvious. You're disappointed the elves didn't send up any treacle tart." Draco chuckled and shook his head, popping the spoon of chocolate gateau into his mouth.

"How did you know that?" Harry frowned, helping himself to the chocolate gateau too.

"You were my school rival. I had to know everything about you." Draco said, as if it was obvious and not kind of creepy.

Harry shook his head, not really knowing what to say. It wasn't like he hadn't done his own spying on the blond when they were students.

Harry soon finished his pudding, content to watch the students finish their own food, but he watched as Draco took a second helping of double chocolate gateau … … then a third.

"You're going to be ill if you eat all that." Harry warned him, feeling bloated just watching. How Draco wasn't fat was a mystery if he ate that much all the time, as it was, Draco was rather skinny and pale. Now that he was paying more attention to the man, it also looked like he hadn't been sleeping.

Draco just shrugged, and continue his pudding without a care in the world.

"Fancy a coffee at the weekend?" Harry suddenly asked. They hadn't had a chance to talk since that Wednesday, and their last chat had gone well in the end. It would be nice to keep up the friendly calm they had created.

"I often do." Draco replied putting another spoon of gateau into his mouth. He swallowed before continuing. "If you're asking me, if I want coffee with you however … then why?" Draco turned to face him.

Harry shrugged, wanting to make seem like he wasn't bothered either way. "Have a chat, get to know each other a little better I suppose. Company. It's up to you. The offer's there." Harry leaned forward and picked out a grape from the fruit bowl, popping it into his mouth.

"Why do you want my company Potter?" Draco asked. Harry though that Draco sounded much older than he actually was, tired and worn out.

"Why not?" He shrugged again, ignoring the use of his surname, but Draco leaned closer and whispered into his ear.

"Because I'm a death eater Potter, and I made your life hell."

Harry frowned, wondering what to say to that. He was just about to answer when he realised Draco was leaving the Great Hall. Harry quickly chased after him, muttering - "excuse me" to the teachers at the table. He ignored the student's curious looks as he bolted from the Great Hal after their potions teacher, and caught up to Draco in the hallway.

"That was the past Draco! I don't give a fuck about that." Harry told him, meaning every word. Draco rubbed his face and Harry thought he looked confused.

"How can you just forget everything I did?" Draco snapped.

"Where the hell is this coming from? I thought we were okay. And no, I won't forget. I can't forget. But I have forgiven you."

"I don't want your forgiveness Potter!" Draco spat, walking off to his chambers.

Harry just watched him go, standing there utterly perplexed and confounded.

Harry finally decided to write Draco a letter that evening, he was going to send it with Lilsiv but decided he needed the walk. He had no idea why he felt the need to keep trying with Draco, not when the man appeared to dislike his company anyway.

Draco Malfoy was a bit like a magnet though; whenever Harry was around the blond man, he was drawn to him. Before, he was drawn to him for other reasons, but now … now Draco was like a muggle yo-yo. Up, down, and never knowing which 'Malfoy' persona you would get. The one he had the privilege to see during their first coffee on Wednesday the 25th August, certainly wasn't the one he'd seen today. He wanted to know who the real Draco was – the moody git from today, the one he'd had glimpse of at coffee, or someone else entirely? How many masks did the blond even have?

He'd been roped into spending a few hours with Neville the other day, and although he liked the man, he could only process so much information regarding plants. Draco talked about things he could relate to: flying, being judged by the media, teaching now of course, and the effects of the war to some degree. Harry also enjoyed the teasing between them, yet they seemed to be able to hold mature conversation. They also had a history together that included saving each other's lives, and Harry was sure that Draco needed a friend just as much as he wanted someone to talk to that wasn't a child or over sixty. Yes, Neville was great, but he needed topics other than what Hellebore plants could do, or what Hannah was going though now she was pregnant. He needed more interesting or challenging topics, and Tau still hadn't replied either.

Hermione and Ron had their own lives – when they weren't meddling in his, and they were growing distant. They would forever be his first and best friends, but they talked about their own lives – their families, their kids, and their job's. Harry didn't really have a 'life', and when he was in their company, he often just sat there nodding along with another drink they'd pushed his way, or picking at the snacks they'd set out.

It wasn't long before he found himself outside Draco's private chambers. He dug up his courage and knocked, waiting for the door to open.

"Potter?" Malfoy frowned, obviously not expecting company.

"I'm sorry … for whatever I said to piss you off earlier. Here, I just wanted to give you this." Harry handed the short letter out to Draco, his body already turned in preparation to leave once the blond took it.

"What is it?" Draco frowned, eyeing the folded parchment.

"A letter." Harry drawled cautiously, as if it was obvious but not wanting to annoy the man.

"Yes, Potter. I can see that! What's it about?" Draco asked, annoyance gritty on his tongue.

"Just read it." Harry told him, and then turned to leave once Draco finally took the letter from his hand. He was all the way down the hall when Draco called.

"Potter?"

"Yes?" Harry stopped and turned around. It looked like Draco had started to read his short letter.

"I hope you have better coffee for Saturday." Draco shouted so he could hear him. "That last brand was mediocre. I suggest Odgen's Olde fire whiskey."

Harry chuckled, and nodded. "Got it! See ya then Draco." He smiled, then he half-heartedly saluted before turning the corner.

"See ya Harry." Draco called, Harry just about hearing him.

When Harry glanced at the magical parchment the next morning, he expected it to be blank. His heart whooped childishly however, when he saw a new message upon the parchment, a smile instantly taking over his lips as he started to read.

Message from Tau:

Padfoot,

I must first apologies for my absence, I had a lot to contemplate.

This is painfully hard for me to admit, but I am terrified that the calm sea we are currently in will drowned me if I go too deep, or if I get too comfortable with the current and it suddenly changes.

To quote a book I read once - 'To love is too risk. Therefore, to love is too be brave.'
Change the words 'love' from that quote to 'opening up to another', and it still applies.
I am not brave, Padfoot.

I find myself missing our shared words, more so than I fear your rejection, but I am a coward. For me, admitting such things is a huge risk, and not something I will ever do lightly.

I realise that I cannot live in fear or else I will not be able to live at all, but fear is powerful and hard to fight.

My past actions haunt me Padfoot, and I wish I could tell you of them so that I may know for certain your reaction. All I can do is ask you this – If there ever comes a day when we meet, and I find the courage to tell you all the wrong I have done, will you promise to keep an open mind and not forget all the words we have shared on parchment? Will you remember that I am not my past, that I am not the same person I was back then?

Tau x

Message end-

Harry was about to write the words 'I promise', but he took the time to think about it first. Could he make such a promise and keep it?

Tau had never pretended to be perfect, to have a shiny past or pretend to be an angel. Tau was scared that his past would ruin whatever they were to build between them - whether that be friendship or eventually lead to more. All Tau was asking for, was a promise that he didn't forget that Tau's present actions shouldn't be distorted by the knowledge of his actions in the past. That Harry didn't find out about what he had done and slam the door in his face. There was also the subtle hint that Tau would find sharing his past difficult, and would only do so if he had the courage.

Harry thought that he could ask a similar promise, that Tau wouldn't suddenly see only his fame and fortune. This was what the secret parchment service was for, to get to know each other as they are now - not the past, not the lies and stories the media made up, but each other's true personality. Harry was sure there would be instances of his own past that he would feel hesitant to share, so Tau wasn't alone in that either.

Yes, he could grant Tau's promise.

Message to Tau:

I am elevated to see your word's once more Tau.

For a moment, I feared that you would cease speaking with me. Please don't. At the risk of sounding like a sap, I have grown to very much enjoy our conversations.

If I happen to say anything that bothers you, I'd rather you tell me so that I may learn better than to forever wonder what it was that sent you running.

I promise you, that If I ever learn of your past, I will not judge you for it. My opinion of you will stay based on who you are now, the man you have become and not the boy you once were. I know this is hard for you to believe, that until I know your past and then say the same thing to you, you will find it hard to accept my words. I can only ask that you trust me.

Take the risk and trust that I am a man of my word.

Padfoot. x

Message end-

Harry hoped that now they could continue to get to know each other, and that Tau would trust him to honour his word. It felt like a heavy weight had been lifted of his chest, and he was just waiting to find out what Tau had to say to him now.

It was a short while later, as he was drinking his coffee and finding the necessary boxes for today's classes, that he got his reply.

Message from Tau:

Thank-you, Padfoot.
I will try to trust you, but my trust in people is rather fragile.

People close to me, people I trusted, lead me astray once and taught me such depraved and flawed views on what was expected of me and my future. I was ignorant. Why wouldn't I trust those that were meant to love and teach me, to guide and help me achieve my best?

It no longer matters what views and beliefs they hold. My eyes were opened.

However, to suddenly see your entire life and knowledge twisted out of comprehension, to question everything you once thought you knew, it shatters one's ability to trust.

I will be candid with you Padfoot, I like you.
I enjoy our conversations, and your absurd and peculiar personality is rather intriguing and refreshing. You have opinions that you are not afraid to share, yet you seem open in ways that strike me as a very accepting individual. I do hope you are not overly sweet and cheerful, that would be rather too sweet for my liking I must say, but again, you do not strike me as such.

You have made me a promise, now I will make you one.
I promise not to run should your words send me 'running', I will, as you have asked, tell you so that you may learn better. I doubt you will however, for I have accepted your outlandish behaviour thus far.

Tau, x

Message end-

Harry smiled and chuckled, he really like this guy, but he had a lot to contemplate.

This was the most open Tau had ever been with him, and it was both enlightening and intimate simultaneously. It was more personal than they had been before, and it let slip more of Tau's life then was safe to do. Tau was taking risks, trusting him to some degree.

Harry now knew that someone close to Tau - his parents most likely, had expected Tau to following in their footsteps or to grow to be like them at least. If he'd read this correctly, then Tau's parents held views that he later saw as flawed and depraved. It sounded like he was no longer on good terms with whoever he'd trusted before, and that break of trust had left him alone and scarred.

Harry wasn't surprised, that kind of betrayal would leave its mark on anyone.

The Dursleys had raised him to believe he was a freak, and he'd found it hard to trust that anyone would accept him if they knew who he really was. He'd learnt at the age of eleven, that the Dursley's views were wrong however, even if a part of him always suspected, but he'd been forever scarred by them.

Dumbledore had led him to the slaughter, and whether or not the old man knew he would live or not after Voldemort had AK'd him, he'd still kept secrets from him and expected him to sacrifice himself for the world. Harry hadn't known any better back then, and why wouldn't he trust the man that played the part of a caring grandfather? He'd simply felt as if he hadn't really had a choice back then either; it was the life of a freak with no real family to leave behind, or the rest of the world.

Harry sighed. He had to reply to Tau and pull his thoughts out of the black hole that had started to form in his mind. He'd learnt a lot about Tau, but he hadn't given the man much back. What could he share with Tau that wouldn't give away his identity?

Message to Tau:

Trust is a delicate thing Tau.
That you will try and trust me is more than enough.

I find myself suddenly drawn to admit to you, that the last of my family hate me. I am not exaggerating. We do not speak. They do not want to see me or associate with me at all. I firmly believe they view me as dead to them, but I want nothing from them likewise.

They taught me that I wasn't worth the mud beneath our feet, and that the air I breathed was wasted. I believed them for so long that I still find myself believing their words on rare occasions. I know better now, and any trust I had in them to care for me was lost a long time ago.

I had no real role models growing up, and the people around me treated me as fragile at times. They kept secrets and treated me like a child. I was a child technically, yes, but for many years I had to raise myself. I had very few people to trust, and everyone expected things of me that I didn't understand. I trusted anyone that was kind to me, perhaps craving the need to have someone I could trust.

It becomes a burden when you carry so much alone that you need someone to off load on. The problem with that, was that people didn't like it when I was angry, upset, or confused. I was to smile and act like everything was okay. I was just a child, what could I possibly have to worry about?

I had a lot to worry about, I promise you that, but I cannot share them details with you yet I'm afraid. I just hope you believe my word.

I have had people pushing me to believe certain views on things - and anything else was wrong of course, and I have had people expecting me to become something that I didn't understand nor want to be. Nothing nefarious I promise you, but still not what I wanted.

I like to think I am my own person, that I do what I want to do. I no longer try and be what others expect, and I think people are finally getting that message.

You should know that I like you too by now Tau.

If my absurd and peculiar personality is something you can tolerate, then I have high hopes that we will become very good friends - if not more. I'm quite sure I can adjust to your arrogance likewise.

I am definitely not overly sweet or cheerful, but I like to try and see things from a positive view. I like the quiet as I have said before, days spent basking in the sun, or contemplating in the wind. I like flying on clear days and looking out on the horizon, and I would love to come home one day to a family of my own – no matter how crazy they may be.

Padfoot, x

Message end-

Harry put down the quill after sending off his message. His words stocked kindle to a lot of bad memories and emotions that he'd been avoiding, but he needed to give Tau a glimpse into his past. No one really knew about the Dursleys, and it wasn't something he'd ever told the publisher about for that bloody book – expect that he had live there for eleven years and during the summer holidays. Only Ron and Hermione really knew that they treated him with the kindness one would treat an un-welcomed pest, and even then, they didn't know the full details.

Harry dragged himself out of his thoughts, ready for a hot shower to start the long day. His first lesson started at 9:40am today – having no class first period, but it was already 8:20am so he needed to get a move on. He'd missed breakfast, but Kreacher could always bring him something later.

As he slipped out of his pajamas and climbed into the shower, he hoped that Tau receive his reply well and didn't think he was playing the aggrieved party. His intention was to show a degree of sympathising, and to show equal willingness to be as open with Tau as he was with him. He'd never been this open with anyone before, he thought, as the warm water ran over his face, and that was both exciting and terrifying simultaneously.