Just listen for a second alright? And then if you're still mad at me you can punch me or do whatever else will make you feel better. When you and Cas had vanished I had no idea where you were. Crowley had taken Kevin and I couldn't do anything to save him either. I was completely alone for the first time in my life and I didn't know what to do. So I drove the Impala trying to take my mind off of everything and if I ended up bent around a tree so be it. I didn't know where you or Cas was. I didn't know that humans could end up in purgatory. None of us did. I imagined you in heaven. Something that I could never take you away from especially for my own selfish reasons. Then I imagined you in hell… But I truly didn't know where you were and I had no one to turn to.
So when I hit that dog yes I took it to the vet to see if he could be saved. Because I wouldn't let an innocent, defenseless animal die because of my recklessness and need to die. And yes I met a woman who lost her husband and we helped each other out the best we could and I tried to live a normal apple pie life as a way to cope. She didn't replace you but if I hadn't met anyone else that I truly grew to care for I would have lost it. I thought about making deals. Of course, I did. But I couldn't think of anyone to deal with. Crowley and by extension all demons had basically declared themselves off-limits and I didn't exactly have any leverage against any angels that I could use to get them to bring you back. Death had basically said he would never help us again and reapers are way too eager for the natural order that we'd probably both end up dead instead of you being brought back. Most of all though I was afraid. I was afraid of looking for you and never finding you.
Something that almost completely destroyed me last time. I was afraid of finding out you were truly in heaven and that I would be too weak to let you stay there because I'm selfish. I was afraid to become someone I'm not or a monster again because of revenge. On the chance that you would come back, I could not live with myself if I put you through that again. So yes for the sake of my sanity I had to stop hunting. All I ever wanted to do was make you proud, and do what I thought you would want. It was what I wanted when I went to hell. I wanted you to have an apple pie life. Okay. I'm done. You can punch me now if you want."
Dean gaped at him. He had been mad before but after hearing that Sam had been reckless enough and didn't care if he killed himself and that the dog had saved him… He started to have a different perspective. He had felt like he had been abandoned when Sam had first said it but now he understood and really didn't feel angry anymore. They hugged just like they always did after one of them had died and Sam took it as the absolution it was. Whatever else may come they both knew that they would be able to overcome it. As long as they stuck together.