Summary: 14 lucky contestants will be locked into the Room of Requirement for 2 weeks. Who will be the last one remaining, winning 1,000,000 galleons? The rules are simple…

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Harry Potter © J. K. Rowling. Remember, this is a parody.

Author's Notes:

Half-Blood Prince: I don't care what you guys say. No matter how cruel, twisted and bitter Snape is, HE IS NOT EVIL.

For the above reason, this will be my border:

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A little of Snape's martini to:

Notacrumpeteater: I suppose you can have rum if you'd REALLY rather have it. I can only spare a little of my secret stash for you…

Bubbles: since I know who you are I'm going to ignore that comment.

Supremekai-Inuyasha: Thanks; sorry I didn't post sooner.

Ellen Liu: Thanks very much! Sorry I was so slow on the update.

Excuse me Mr. Mister: Thank yooooooooouu. :)

Kasa: Thanks! I've always thought of it as blue myself, but everyone insists it's purple.

Adrianna Ashke: Thanks! We'll see about Snape… maybe not yet though…

Rally Gal: Thank you! I'm not quite sure what'll happen myself.

Joe potts: Thanks! Sorry about the slow update.

ONTO THE STORY:

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Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Fred, George, the Malfoy twosome, Snape, Voldemort, Umbridge, Fudge, and Rita Skeeter all arrived at Hogwarts around the same time. Sibyll Trelawney appeared from the North Tower, claiming to have foretold the arrival of these visitors. Voldemort had disguised his voice and was cloaked and hooded so no one could tell who he was. As a result, everyone referred to him as "the funny tall man in a cloak" for the first few hours.

They learned that this contest was decidedly true; although for a while Dumbledore insisted he had done no such thing as send out the letters (alas, poor memory was another result of the drugs). And once Snape questioned this, he nervously denied having taken an overdosage of medication.

(Behind him, Dobby shook his head violently and mouthed "He lies!")

Harry, Hermione and the Weasleys were revolted to see Lucius and Draco Malfoy. Ultimately, they stayed only because Dumbledore assured them that the contest could prove to be quite dangerous and they were hoping the Malfoys might be injured, or even better, killed.

Draco took the opportunity to practice his Malfoy Sneer™ (which Lucius had said was lacking in true disgust).

"An improvement, but anyone could muster up such a look after seeing them." Lucius informed him. Draco pouted.

Umbridge and Fudge declared this to be "Simply ridiculous!" not two hours into their arrival and took their leave before the contest had even begun. Truthfully, the rest were all rather happy to see them gone. Harry had gone a funny puce color quite reminiscent of Uncle Vernon upon seeing Umbridge.

Two down, eleven to go.

Dumbledore shook his head sadly and crossed them off a list.

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Finally, after many tears and much begging; Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Fred, and George were given permission to stay by Mr. Weasley who had accompanied them to Hogwarts. Trelawney and Snape rolled their eyes and agreed to remain in the contest (but only to torment poor Harry). Draco convinced his father that this was an excellent way of winning gold and so they stayed too.

Ron snorted unbecomingly at this.

"Just because we're as rich as Croesus doesn't mean we wouldn't appreciate an easily earned Galleon." Draco snapped.

"Tell me, Weasley, haven't you updated that pigsty house of yours into something a little bit… classier yet?" Lucius inquired spitefully of Arthur.

A classic Malfoy dig, noted Harry. Utterly unoriginal, yet effective.

Arthur had the dignity to ignore his comment, but everyone else watched in fascination as his ears turned the color of an overripe strawberry.

'The funny tall man in a cloak' rolled his scarlet slitted eyes (though nobody could see the motion). Amateur. Surely Lucius didn't consider this feeble taunting up to Death Eater standards?

Voldemort, alias the funny tall man in a cloak, paused and reflected for a moment on his last Death Eater's Workshop.

Next month I'd better cover 'The Proper Taunting of Blood Traitors'. This is downright shameful.

"I sense bad feeling in the room," Trelawney announced. Everyone ignored her.

Trelawney's eyes filled with tears. The Inner Eye is so underappreciated… She glanced around hastily, pulled out a bottle of sherry, and downed half of it with a hiccup.

Snape produced a box of popcorn and a chair from nowhere with his wand; then sat back to watch the drama.

Meanwhile, the rest of the Weasley clan glared and cracked their knuckles threateningly (the latter being Ron, of course).

"No, Ron- don't-" Hermione whispered urgently.

Rita Skeeter (who had been uncharacteristically quiet this whole time) finally gave into temptations and took a familiar-looking green quill out of her tacky-looking purse. "Hmm… 'Accused Death Eater Is Attacked By Freckled Brute"… I rather like that," she said nastily.

Suddenly, Dumbledore swept into the room, emerald-green robes swirling over his pointed boots. "I assume we're all getting along?" He beamed benignly.

The room was silent except for the loud munching of Snape, who was currently working his way through his box of popcorn.

"Good, good. It's 5:30, shall I introduce you to your living quarters now?"

"Of course," Rita spoke up, smiling toothily. "Maybe I could have a word with you about doing a series of articles on this, ah… contest?"

"Certainly, once it's over. You are, after all, a contestant. Remind me about that in two weeks."

Rita looked as though she'd swallowed a lemon.

Hiding his or her grins, everyone followed Dumbledore from the Great Hall.

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A/N: There you go. From now on, the chapters are going to be about this long, maybe a little longer (This is 743 words; I'm aiming for at least 1,000- not counting Author's Notes and all that, of course.) And I swear, chapters are coming more often from now on. I edited Chapter 1 a little (just typos and stuff) so check that out if you'd like.

Reviews are greatly appreciated. Enjoy your martinis (and the rum), everyone.