Disclaimer : I also published this story on A03 (RoxaneInkheart)

Sorry for the mistakes, I'm French, so English isn't my first language.
I wanted to write a Byler fic but... huh. I just happened to write an OS with Mike hating himself because why not. x)
But I will def write a Byler fic at some point because they deserve it. :)

Takes place after S3 and the Byers left Hawkins. Mike is a gay disaster, and he's grieving his bff's absence.

TW: Internalized Homophobia, suicidal thoughts, anxiety, depression

Breathe.

He hears his sister's voice behind him. Far away. Like the whisper of the wind rushing through the chimney flue to flutter the ashes of the fireplace. Ashes, that's all he has left. A taste of ashes on the tip of his tongue, his throat chafed with regret. Bad memories are stuck in his throat, it hurts. He hadn't realized how heavy his head was, until now. How cluttered his mind was with unwanted thoughts. He can't breathe, he doesn't know what to do. He has the world on the edge of his lips, heavy, burning. He wants to throw up. He needs to throw up.

He can't breathe.

He just wants to fall asleep, stop breathing. He can't do it anymore.

"Mike. You're alright."

Nancy's voice pierces the wall of silence he has surrounded himself with. It's a firm voice, clear and reassuring. The voice of someone who understands pain. Before he knows what's happening, she's there with him, kneeling on the bathroom tile, her right hand resting on his shoulder. She forces him to breathe as she repeats that it's okay, he's okay. Even if he isn't, and they both know it. Nothing is "okay" anymore.

"I'm sorry."

He does not understand at once that he is the author of these words. This voice which resounds in the bathroom, hoarse and distant, is not his. He does not recognize himself in it. It is foreign to him, like the shivers that shake his body and turn into sobs. Tears roll on his cheeks, burning his skin. Everything hurts, but he doesn't know how to say it aloud. He is afraid that if he utters the slightest word, the world will crumble under his feet. Again.

"What are you sorry for?" Nancy asks.

For everything, and nothing, and everything in between. For not knowing how to breathe anymore. For the graffiti he's done in the high school's bathroom. For the rain of bad grades that is pouring down on his head. For yelling at Holly at breakfast. For fighting with that guy at recess. For insulting his dad at dinner. For yelling at Will that terrible day. For the feelings that lurk beneath his skin at night, and for the fever dreams he's losing himself in. For thinking of Will the way he does, for wanting to touch him, to feel him, every inch of him. For craving his crazy fantasies of Will kissing him, holding his hands, smiling at him and saying… Beautiful words. Terrible words. Forbidden words. I love you. I love you. I'm in love with you. For not knowing how to exist without hating every bit of him. For being what he is. An awful friend, a terrible son, and a disgusting monster.

"I tried to make it go away," he says, his voice shattering and his body bending under the pain. "I swear, I swear, I swear…"

He clutches his sister as his vision blurs. He can no longer make out the patterns in the bathroom tile, everything is jumbled up in his head. His lungs are burning. His nails scrape against the floor. He feels his hair sticking to the back of his neck, and drops of sweat running down his back. His shirt sticks to his skin. He dissolves on the spot. He disappears into himself. He would like not to exist anymore, not to feel anything, not to hear anything. But Will's voice still finds its way to his ears, and it resonates in him, scratches his heart. You destroy everything. He was right, of course. He destroyed everything. But he tried. He swears he tried. He wants to tell Will. I tried, you know. Will, please come back, I tried. Empty words. Crazy words. He needs to make him understand that everything that he did, every stupid word that he said, it was for him. It was all for him. To protect him from himself, because Mike cannot… He cannot bear the thought of losing him. And he knows that if Will knew how he truly felt about him, he would lose him forever.

"What did you try to make go away?"

Nancy's tone is gentle, caring. Mike blinks.

Sometimes, he forgets that they were ever close. That they shared laughter and secrets hidden under Nancy's comforter at night. That his sister would playfully place her flashlight under her chin to scare him at night, while she told him twisted tales he would then tell to Will, Lucas and Dustin. He claimed that she looked ridiculous. A lie like any other. He wasn't as brave as he wanted to be. His sister was. She had proved it many times. He envied her for that. For being strong all the time, for not looking the other way. For standing her ground. He often wished he was a little more like her and a lot less like him.

These days, he often wished for not being anyone at all.

"Mike… Please, talk to me. What did you try to make go away?"

Is Nancy crying? He can't be sure; he doesn't dare to look at her. But he thinks he hears it, now. The sorrow in her voice. It twists her vowels, makes her words a little too soft as if they were fading away, as if the world was collapsing at her feet. He's so alone, but suddenly, Nancy is alone too, and she gets it. She gets him. Perhaps he doesn't have to fight his demons on his own. Perhaps he can open his closed heart, just a little. Let her in... And so, he talks.

"You know," Mike says, "the things inside my mind. Bad things."

It's eating him alive. His… his thoughts… His feelings for him, for Will. Filthy, repulsive, dreadful things. They have claws and teeth of their own. They bite and they creep into him, honeyed and soothing, and once they are settled in his mind, they stab him. Harsh and ruthless. He can feel them against his rib cage, like a monstrous bird trying to get away, a bird struggling furiously again its chains. And they are wounding him. He has bruises all over his heart.

"Are they nightmares? Mike? Listen to me, the things you talk about, are they nightmares? Are you… Is it the Shadow Monster again?"

"No!" Mike screams. "It's me! It's in me! It's in me, and it doesn't want to leave me, but I tried to make it go away… I didn't want to, I swear… I swear, I didn't…"

Nancy frowns. Her hands wrap around his face, and just like that, she looks him straight in the eye, and she sees him. Really sees him.

"It's about Will", Nancy says. "It's about Will, isn't it?"

"Yeah" Mike mutters, as though for himself, "Will".

It's terrible, how his name sounds right now, like a prayer full of colours. How breathless he is when his name is on the verge of his lips. He could die, right now, he thinks. He could just cease to exist. But the name is hanging here, and Nancy is holding him in her arms and she says she understands, and maybe that's enough.

"I'm in love with him", he says.

Peace wraps its wings around him, and he's breathing again. He says his name, softly, just to make sure he's not gone. Will. Then he looks at Nancy, and she's there, and she doesn't seem repulsed by him. She just holds him closer, as if she was scared to let him go.

"I'm in love with my best friend. I think… I think I have been for a very long time. I just… I didn't want it to be true. I thought that it would go away, but it never did. Never."

Nancy nods. A soft smile is dancing on her face. She gets it. Mike loots at her and he doesn't see any disgust or shame in her eyes. Only love, and something that looks like relief.

"Do you hate me?" he asks.

"Why should I hate you?"

"I don't know. Perhaps because it's… not normal. That I like Will. A boy."

Shouldn't she be horrified by what he just confessed? Shouldn't she be screaming that he's insane and wicked and bad? It's not natural for a boy to like another boy, he heard his teachers and parents and classmates tell around him. And he knows that Nancy heard it too, at school, in their own house, in Hawkins, those venomous words. But she says nothing like that.

She just offers him her hand, and she grins.

"It's only fair for the knight to fall in love with the wizard."

Mike grins in return. He doesn't feel like a knight today, but he did slay a dragon after all. And with his sister at his side, he thinks that, perhaps, he can slay many others on the long road that awaits him.

Byler better be canon otherwise I sue, thank you very much :)

Sorry again for my bad grammar and my mistakes. Please let me know if you liked this little OS!