Disclaimer: Don't own any of Grey's Anatomy.
Chapter 8: Friends
For the first time in a while, perhaps even since Mark, Derek Shepherd was truly shocked. Being a neurosurgeon, very little shocked him at this point, but the scene which he had just witnessed, in conjunction with the one he had seen earlier, had managed to do so. He couldn't help but think about seeing Meredith in Alex's arms, seeing her smile at him in a special way, a way that used to be reserved solely for him. You're the one who left, who picked your wife. "She's my wife," he had said to her. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Not to mention cruel and heartless. But he had said those words and was trying to do right by them. And he was getting better at it; he and Addison were making some progress. That didn't mean it didn't hurt to even so much as think of Meredith with another man, especially one with whom he worked every day. Sure, there had been the one-night stands, the guy whom she had broken, and even the incident with George, but it was different with Alex, he knew. He just knew it. Damn it. She should be allowed to move on, live her life without me. I don't want her to. But now you're being hypocritical, Shepherd, since you're trying with your adulteress, satanic wife. So why shouldn't she get to find someone else? Alex, though? Seriously? Why him? However, Derek was realistic enough to know that he would have a problem with anybody who wasn't him, fair or not. It just hurt a little bit more, stung a little deeper, to think it may well be one of her fellow interns. Of course, he was jumping to some conclusions. Friends can cuddle sometimes, right? Help each other out through tough times. Derek was certainly aware of the break-up with Izzie. She's just being a good friend. Being there for him, being loyal. That look didn't really mean anything, it was just his imagination. And his patient's. I mean, you can smile at someone and not have it say all those words. Say anything, really. He knew that to be true, since he had often, until rather recently, smiled at Addison with those empty, meaningless smiles, just to avoid a fight. Or a discussion. Meredith wasn't really like that though. Not underneath it all. Sure, she had probably smiled and flirted with the half-dozen guys she brought home, but Derek was sure none of them had received that smile. The type of smile that would entice a man to do anything to keep it. Damn it, damn it, damn it. He and Meredith and Addison were friends now; he wasn't entitled to these feelings, to the resentment he felt toward Alex Karev for getting the look, and even toward Meredith, for bestowing it to someone else. Someone who was definitely NOT him. She's supposed to love meGreat, now I sound like a petty, jealous teenager. Wonderful, Shepherd, wonderful. I should be supportive, happy for her, and not jumping to the conclusion that she'll end up with him. But here I am, doing everything I'm not supposed to: assuming, and being anything but supportive and happy. The truth was, he had no idea how to handle this. He knew that at some point, she would learn to walk away, unless he came back to her. At this point, that wasn't an option, and he wasn't sure she'd even take him back. No, after today, she probably wouldn't. Knowing something would happen, and seeing it actually begin to take place are two entirely different things. The former you can tell yourself you're okay with, you can handle, but in reality, sometimes you can't. When it happens, you find out that out. There was nothing for him to do, but sit back, and be her friend. I'm really starting to hate that word. I'm friends with Meredith. Addison is my wife, so she's friends with Meredith. Meredith is friends with Alex. Alex is friends with Meredith. What a dumb word. What a dumb concept, especially when one "friend" is in-love with another, but married to a different "friend," whom he's trying to work things out with, but the one he's in love-with is still in-love with him, but is trying to move on. Then the other "friend" is just "friends" with the "friend" the first "friend" loves, and who loves him back, but can't be anything but just "friends." And so the two "friends" are being "friends" in order to help each other escape what other people did to them. But then where does that "friendship" go? He didn't have the answer to that, but he realized he had just wasted about ten minutes mentally having a completely incomprehensible conversation with himself, about a situation he was partly imaging, and couldn't do anything about anyway. Derek Shepherd closed his eyes briefly, then shook his head. I need a vacation. Trying to brush away the lingering thoughts, he picked up a chart, and headed toward his office, where maybe he'd get some work done. Mentally replaying the scenes in the elevator and in Mr. Jackson's room, he thought, Then again, maybe not.