March 6, 2005
Thanks as usual to all my wonderful, fabulous reviewers who feed my ego with your wonderful comments. A special thank you to all those lovely people who have kept up emails with me… HINT HINT. I'd love to hear from you all.
Just the heads up on some dates coming up soon. I'm gonna try to stick to these, though I can't make promises. On 3-23, I'm going to be posting Chapter 16. On 4-8, I'm gonna put up Chapter 17, and on 4-21 I'm either gonna post Chapter 18 or, more likely, that revision of Chapter 1 I've been wanting to do. So I guess we'll all be able to laugh uproariously when, two months from now, I post and say, "Well I meant to put this chapter up sooner…" Yeah, we all know how good of an updater ol' Sir Mocha is…
Eh… a shorter chapter than the last one, I'm afraid, but it has a very nice ending in my opinion, one that I think some people have been waiting for. Also, I'd just like to take this time for a little ego booster: With this chapter, I will have the longest Simpsons story on and I hope that it will also push me past the 200 review mark! How exciting… and 15 is such a nice number for a chapter of such significance. Yeah, you all can stop looking at me crazy, and read the damn chapter…
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Spinning for Hours
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by Sir Mocha
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Chapter 15: The Nightmare with a Very Happy Ending
I suppose that the Knowledge Bowl was one of those events I'll look back on later and laugh at. I'll laugh at the pain, the shame, and the humiliation. I'll just write them off as another case of tacky teenage angst.
I will say, thought, that at the time I was feeling quite miserable. And my friends, or should I say my ex-friends, weren't exactly being supportive of me. They waited until our classmates had left for the competition (might I add, with many angry looks at me) before setting in upon me, like wolves anxious to tear an unsuspecting seal apart.
"What the hell Lisa?" asked Lee, as soon as the administrators had left the room. "What the HELL were you trying to pull?"
Anna got to her feet, and stared down at me angrily. "Do you realize what you've done? DO YOU? I studied so damn hard for this competition. I nearly killed myself, and you THREW it AWAY by cheating!" She had tears in her eyes.
"No, Anna, I didn't want to, but—" I tried to explain. But she wasn't willing to listen to my explanation. She hissed, and stalked off angrily out the door, only to be followed by a concerned Lee who shot me a dirty look before following his girlfriend. "Anna, wait," I could hear him yell as he exited the room.
But of course, I still had my other classmates to contend with. Even Akila, who was normally very rational and quiet, said in a callous tone, "I'm sure you have a very good explanation, Lisa, but I really don't feel like listening to it." She walked off coldly out of the common room doors, presumably to sit and stew in peace.
I turned back to Ralph and Eoh, who quite obviously turned away from me, then left as the others had. In desperation, I looked at Martin, who was sitting across from me at the table. His face was completely unreadable; I couldn't tell if he was sympathetic, but at least he wasn't glaring daggers at me like the rest of my friends.
I gave him a pleading look, as if to say, "You knew… you understand, right?" He just shook his head, and shrugged his shoulders. Then, to my disgust, he got up, and headed for the door the others had already exited out of.
"Martin," I said quietly, "you knew. You knew I was cheating, and you didn't care. How can you be mad at me!"
He turned his head, and looked over his shoulder at me. "I don't know, Lisa. I just… I don't know." He left, the one person who might have sympathized with me. He left me all alone in that cavernous room, which was as cold and empty as my emotions.
I didn't know how to feel; everything was kind of numb. I had done the right thing, and I had saved my upperclassmates. I had given them the chance to participate in their stupid Knowledge Bowl, and yet there was immeasurable disgust in their eyes. I had sacrificed myself, and it meant nothing to them! How could they? Didn't they realize how hard it was for me to do that? Shouldn't they have shown me at least the tiniest sympathy? What kinds of friends were they anyway?
I could understand the resentment of my fellow freshmen. Unlike the others, they were not allowed to compete. They were not allowed to prove themselves, and their intelligence. They had every right to be furious. I had blown it for us. But still… did they have to be so vocal in their anger? Couldn't they have gone away before cursing me?
But they had gone away. The result was this huge room, devoid of any others. It was a cheater room, a room where only the condemned would sit, while everyone else was in competition. It was the room for the heinous, while the virtuous went forth in competition for glory. There was no glory for me, or for my fellow freshmen. Only shame…
I can't stay here, I realized. I can't face all of them, when they come back champions. I can't face their hostility, their antipathy, their malice... I have to go.
I left the room, hoping against hope that I would not run into one of my former friends. Once, I think I saw Martin's shoe disappearing into one of the men's rooms, but I didn't stop to verify. Instead, I tried to find the hall I had seen earlier, the one with the pay phones. I needed to call Bart.
"So, Lis," he said upon answering the Flanders' phone, "I suppose you have a good reason for calling collect in the middle of a school day, when you're supposed to be in the middle of a big competition?"
"Oh, Bart," I said, "I'm so glad I got you. Aren't you usually out during the day?"
"Are you kidding?" he asked. " It's, what, ten? To be honest, you woke me up. But this isn't about me, this is about you. So what do you want?"
I stood there silently. What did I want? Well, I guess I wanted Bart to pick me up, so I wouldn't have to stay. Call me a coward, but I was afraid of what would happen once my classmates were out of session. And I couldn't even imagine how awkward and unpleasant the bus ride home would be. So yes, I wanted Bart to come rescue me.
"Things aren't going well," I said, surprised at the waver in my voice. I could feel tears pricking in the corners of my eyes. Before I lost it completely, I blurted out, "Can you come get me?"
I could practically hear Bart's eyebrows rise. "Um, aren't you in the middle of a competition?"
"Please, I just really, really need to go home. I can't stay another minute…" I could barely choke out that sentence; my throat was closing up, and tears were rolling down my face.
"Fine, I'll come and pick you up. But Lis, it's not exactly a short drive… it's going to take me a few hours to get there. You owe me big time for this."
"Mmm hmmm," I said. "Thank you so much Bart. I love you."
"I love you too, Lis," he said, sounding a bit surprised. Then I could hear a click, and I hung up my phone as well.
I have three hours until Bart gets here. I am not spending them in this depressing place, I thought to myself, wiping my eyes on my orange sleeve, leaving it a darker, wet orange. I guess I should leave a note, though, so they know I haven't jumped off a bridge to end it all. I was sad, yes, and desolate, but I wasn't going to kill myself. I had more sense than that.
I strode back to the common room, and found a spare sheet of paper and a pen on a table. I proceeded to write a note, and left it on the table. It read,
Dear everyone,
I'm so sorry for what I've done. I'm getting a ride home from my cousin; I don't want to stay around here and cause any more trouble. If you'll listen to me, I'll explain to you all why I had to resort to cheating. I just hope you'll listen to me, and I hope you'll forgive me.
Lisa
I left it in plain sight on the table I had been sitting at. Then, walking cautiously to avoid attention, I slipped out a side door of the Conference Center, and found myself in the middle of a bustling Capitol City.
Where can I go for three hours? I wondered. I hoped I didn't look too bad, from crying. I didn't want any pedestrians to notice me. I wanted to remain invisible; I had had too much of the black spotlight, and I just wanted to blend in for a while, and be alone in peace.
I looked up and down Wayne Street, trying to spot any place I could go for a while. As I didn't see anything, I just started heading down the sidewalk, in the back of my mind keeping track of where I was going, so I could find my way back. As I walked, I passed fancy boutiques, quaint cafés, cozy pubs, and marble and brass office buildings.
I contemplated just walking around for three hours, seeing the city, when a sign caught my eye. It was neither a big sign nor a flashy sign, but I recognized at once the symbol on it. Even in the middle of a big city, I could find a public library, and I knew that I would find some solace there for the next few hours.
I followed the sign to a building, recessed behind the others. It was an older building, but stately in its own way and welcoming at the same time. I entered, and breathed in the familiar smell of all libraries, the smell of old paper and glue bindings. It was a quiet smell, a peaceful smell.
Passing through the rows, all the old familiars caught my eyes: Shakespeare, Bronte, Jane Austen, Tolstoy, Twain, and the others I had enjoyed reading throughout the years. And yet, I really wasn't in the mood for something knowledgeable and enlightening today. I had had enough Knowledge for a lifetime; I wanted mindless drivel.
I located the young adult section, which I had visited rarely at the library in Springfield. I just wasn't a fan of teen books; they had too much pointless romance, too much whining and shallowness. I kind of wanted to read something like that today, though. My eyes fell on a slim paperback with a bubblegum-pink spine. Intrigued, I pulled it from the shelf, and read the title: How Boyfriends are like Pimples.
Well, I thought, I was looking for something stupid…
-O-
Walking back from the library, I strained my eyes, staring ahead towards the Conference Center for any sign of that red station wagon that meant my salvation. You better be here, Bart, I thought, wanting desperately to get home. I couldn't stand being around this place any longer, and being around the people inside – not to mention that I had lost valuable brain cells from reading that stupid library book.
Off in the distance I saw the car, and a tall figure leaning against its door. As I approached it, I could make out the longish blond hair, and I saw a thin line of smoke rising into the air, undoubtedly from the cigarette Bart was smoking.
"Well, look who it is," he said pointedly, as soon as I got within earshot.
I smiled softly. "You really shouldn't be smoking, should you?"
He didn't miss a beat. "You're lecturing me about my habits when it was you who called to get out of a nerd championship three hours away from home?"
I frowned, and Bart looked at my face, and sobered. "Well, get in the car, why don't you? Time is money, after all."
(Later I would realize how very true this was for him, but I digress…)
He started up the engine, and then paused, and said, "Um, you didn't bring anything with you, did you? 'Cause I'm not driving two hundred miles back to get your stupid stuff." I winced. Those damn answers. I clenched my fists, and tears came to my eyes, though whether those were tears of anger or humiliation, I don't know.
I think he saw that he struck a nerve, because he said quickly, "Well, I guess not, let's go." With a squealing of tires that scared a pigeon flock nearby, we tore out of the parking lot, and down the road, relatively traffic free for a large city in the middle of the day… which is to say, not traffic free at all.
"Ok," he said a few minutes into the drive, "now can you please explain to me what is going on? And I'm expecting a pretty good excuse."
"Yes dad," I said sarcastically, trying to figure out how much to tell him. He already knew about the answers of course, and I was pretty sure he remembered that time all those years ago when I had last cheated. I decided that it wouldn't hurt to tell him everything, which is precisely what I did. For twenty minutes I told him about getting to the Conference Center, and falling asleep and almost getting found out, and then actually getting found out. I even told him about the awful reactions my friends had.
"Well, of course they're mad," he replied rationally. "You screwed their chances to win this stupid competition, and now they're pissed off little nerds. Give em a little time – they'll cool off their eggheads and be as friendly as usual."
I didn't like Bart's disparaging remarks about my friends – or ex-friends – geez, this was so confusing! "Well, should I try to make amends?" I asked. Upon receiving a blank look, I clarified, "Should I say I'm sorry?"
"Sounds like you already tried," responded Bart coolly. "If they don't listen to you, then they're little bastards who don't deserve an apology." And that was the end of that.
I sighed, looking out the car window at the scenery flashing by. I know this may sound a bit cliché, but I felt that my life was racing out of control the same way the trees were racing by outside. Needa and the others were mad at me, Theo was mad at me, and I didn't know how they were going to feel when I had to face them again.
I took Bart's words to heart. I hoped so badly that, after a day or so, they would cool down, and they would listen to my explanation, and they wouldn't judge me too harshly. Regardless, tomorrow would be an interesting day at school.
-O-
Fortunately, nobody yelled at me when I walked into the classroom.
Unfortunately, nobody really said anything to me all day.
I had thought that we were supposed to be so intelligent, and such enlightened thinkers. Personally, I found it immature that they decided to give me the silent treatment all day. They didn't say anything to me, so from conversation alone, I never would have known whether they were mad at me, or just disappointed in general.
The looks of malice they gave me, though, told me that I was in deep trouble. Even Mrs. Finch, while teaching us three-dimensional rotational kinematics, stared coldly at me when I had the audacity to raise my hand to answer a question. I didn't raise it again that day.
I could see, out of the corner of my eye, the way my classmates would whisper, and glare at me malevolently. Before the knowledge bowl, I had been relatively popular, and had enjoyed many a whispered gossipy conversation with my friends when we were supposed to be learning. Now though, I had to sit there, my cheeks burning as I heard all the bad things my classmates had to say about me.
"Cheater…liar…traitor…"
That hurt. That really, really hurt. When I heard Anna tell Lee how I was "a lazy backstabber who liked to ruin others' lives," I couldn't take it anymore. I bowed my head, and tried to keep my tears hidden from the others. If they saw me crying, they would know that they had gotten to me, and they would probably find some sort of cruel pleasure out of making me miserable.
I guess that clenches it, I thought, resigned. I guess they really don't care what I have to say to defend myself, like real friends would. It looks like, again, I'm on the outside, looking in.
All that emotional investment into these people I thought were my friends! All the times I felt so confident, so happy, so loved, it was all for nothing. They were ostracizing me, hurting me on purpose, when I thought I could trust them.
I heard the bell ring, and I just left my stuff on the table and hurried out of the room. I would probably come back to find it vandalized or gone, but I could not stay in that room with those people any longer. I had to be alone; I had to get away from their taunts, from their anger, from their eyes…
I realized that I was walking towards the gym, and the entrance to the Dining Hall under the bleachers. I ran out of there, I reasoned, so I'll probably get to the dining hall before the others. I can just grab my lunch and go… go… But where would I go? I couldn't eat lunch with Needa's crazy friends; they were more her friends than mine, and if she were there it would be waaaay too awkward. And I couldn't eat lunch in the Corvid dining hall, for reasons that don't need to be explained.
Well, there's always the cafeteria, I thought glumly, thinking of the hot, smelly, loud room dominated by obnoxious jocks and preppy sluts. If I ventured into that unknown territory, I would not come out unscathed…I might not even come out at all. The regular students did not value intelligence, except as a good excuse to terrorize someone innocent.
I guess I'll cross that bridge once I come to it. I should get my food first, before the others show up. I pulled out my ID card, and held it before the hidden sensor in order to gain access to the dining hall.
"Identification invalid!" it barked at me. "You are not authorized to enter this area."
What! I thought. I've always been allowed in! I tried again .
"Identification invalid! You are not authorized to enter this area."
"That's right!" yelled a voice behind me. "You're not allowed in because we don't want you in."
I turned, and stared disbelieving. Amaryllis, who was usually so calm and amiable, was glaring at me with an unpleasant sneer on her face. She was standing at the head of a large group of my classmates, and none of them looked very happy to see me.
"What? You're banning me from eating lunch? I'm just gonna get my lunch and go…"
"Oh, so you're just going to run away again, like you did yesterday?" she asked me snottily. "Just going to RUN AWAY so you don't have to face the mess YOU started?"
Well, at least they're talking to me, I thought dryly. Although I'm not quite sure this would be considered an improvement… "I've been trying to explain – " I started to say, but she wasn't quite done whaling on me.
"No. No one cares what you have to say! Maybe if you had been a better teammate, and if you had thought about all of us, we would think about you. But you were so SELFISH, you don't even deserve to be in the presence of Corvids right now."
I was very aware of the ring on my finger. Where before it had rested snugly, it now felt like it was biting into my finger, reinforcing what Amaryllis was saying. Viciously I tore it off, and threw it on the ground at her feet.
"You THINK you all are so GREAT!" I spat. "You STARE DOWN at anyone who isn't SNOOTY and ELITIST like you all are! Why don't you get off you fucking HIGH HORSES and learn some MANNERS with those 'SUPERIOR INTELLECTS'of yours!" Stunned by my outburst, they just stared as I stormed out from under the bleachers, and out the gym into the warren of side halls surrounding it.
I made it a few dozen feet before collapsing against the wall in the middle of the vacant hall. Too much… too much adrenaline, too many emotions, too much drama and angst. I just sat there, sobbing out all the regret and grief of the past few days. Why, when everything seemed to be going best, did everything have to fall apart? Why was it always my fault, and why was I always so severely punished for my mistakes? Was I not allowed to be imperfect? Was I not allowed to be human?
I don't know how long I spent sitting there, but I was impervious to everything else except my wracking emotions. It was miserable, it was awful, and it made me feel like utter crap. Like they say, though, every cloud has a silver lining. In my case, every thunderstorm has a solid gold lining, and even the most deplorable situation can lead to something exquisite.
My sobs had abated after a while, but I was still crying as I heard footsteps approach. Oh great, I thought bitterly, someone has come to kick me while I'm down. I would expect nothing less from those jerks. I was about to tell the person to fuck off, but he spoke up first.
"Lisa?" he asked tentatively. I was surprised; I didn't hear any anger in his voice, and it was the first kind thing anyone had said to me all day.
I looked up to see my sandy-haired Adonis staring back down at me, the fury of yesterday replaced by concern in his large eyes. I thought broodingly for a second about how I must look to him, my eyes and nose red from crying. I guess I didn't phase him, though, because his gaze never wavered from that compassionate pity.
"I guess you're not here to scorn me?" I asked quietly, my throat raw from my sobs.
Theo just shook his head unobtrusively. "I saw what happened in the gym. I was mad about yesterday, yeah, but I also thought Amaryllis was treating you unfairly. I want to hear your side of the story, because I'm sure you have a good explanation." He slid down, and settled next to me, his back to the wall and his face turned towards me.
Well, this was certainly unexpected. I smiled a small smile, but inside I was beaming. He didn't hate me! He valued what I had to say! What a great guy! Don't get overexcited, I warned myself. He just wants to hear what you have to say. He hasn't forgiven you yet.
Tentatively at first, then more and more fluidly, I explained what had led me to cheating. I explained how Tommy had called for help, and I explained the hundreds of miles spent driving to him, and the hours and hours spent in the hospital waiting for him to heal. I explained how I hadn't brought along any study materials, and then – more reluctantly – I explained the unbelievable pressure I felt to succeed, for my classmates' benefit, that had driven me to cheating. After I finished my story, I looked expectantly at him, hoping he understood my motives.
He stared at the opposite wall, and I could see that he was thinking over everything I had just told him. Unconsciously I held my breath, sitting up nervously, awaiting his response.
Finally, he smiled a little, and said, "I understand, and I probably would have done the same thing."
I released my pent-up breath with a relieved sigh, and slumped down. He understood! He understood, and he admitted that he would have done the same thing! I realized, now, that although it was the wrong thing to do, I wasn't utterly horrible for doing it! Maybe he wouldn't shun me anymore. Maybe I still had a friend.
"It's… it's just been really difficult," I tried to explain, "because I keep trying to tell people but everyone refuses to listen to me! I already felt awful for ruining the Knowledge Bowl, and I can't even apologize to anyone because no one cares!" I was surprised to find that I was shaking a little, thought from what I couldn't tell.
He turned his head, and from behind his wire framed glasses I could see sympathy in his eyes. "I think part of the reason they're so mad is that they didn't do as well as they wanted. I mean, the freshmen weren't allowed to compete, but if we all had done as well as we should have, we would have placed in Beta division. I know at least that my group didn't do to well with literature, and Celia says that the juniors weren't too hot in the science competition. I think people were mad that they only did a mediocre job, and so they used you as a scapegoat to avoid taking responsibility for their poor performance, and for ranking in Gamma division."
That wasn't exactly reassuring. "But I thought Mrs. Finch said that we were one of the best teams in years! If people did badly, it was only because they were preoccupied with what I did! So it was my fault that we didn't qualify."
He looked perplexed. "You mean no one told you? We did qualify!"
"…What! How could we? It's only Alpha who qualify, and I thought you said we got in Gamma…?"
He rolled his eyes. "Mrs. Finch looked though the rule book, and found some archaic rule that says, basically, that because we got second last year we automatically qualify for the finals this year." His brow furrowed. "I can't believe no one told you!"
"Yeah, well, I'm not too popular right now," I said bitterly, bowing my head and staring balefully at my shoes. Faintly I head the bell ring, echoing through the almost empty hall.
I felt an arm drape itself across my shoulders, and pull me into a friendly one-armed hug. Surprised, I looked up at Theo, who was smiling. "What am I, chopped liver?" he asked. "You don't need them. I'll be your best friend in the world."
If I hadn't been leaning against the wall, I think I would have swooned. This was just like one of those crappy teen movies, except from my perspective, it was a lot more enjoyable. A lot more.
I nearly pouted (Yeah, me. Lisa Simpson. POUTING! Can you imagine it?) when he withdrew his arm and stood up, dusting off his pants. Then he offered me a hand up, which I gladly accepted, and stood facing him.
"You look like crap," he said bluntly. "Your eyes are all red."
"Well, thank you Mr. Fashion Guru," I said sarcastically, a smile creeping onto my face. Then, just as suddenly as it was there, it disappeared. "I really, really do not want to go back to that room."
"It'll be fine," he reassured me. "Remember, you don't need them."
Because now I have you, I thought happily. I really wouldn't have guessed that such a horrible nightmare could have such a satisfying ending. It was a convoluted way of going about it, but I was finally getting attention from the guy I had such a huge crush on. It was crazy! My world was spinning before my eyes, and I had the feeling that it would be spinning for at least a few more hours before I could absorb it all.
"Hey, Theo," I said demurely. "Thanks."
"No problem," he responded cheerfully, and together we walked down the long winding hall back to our classroom.
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