Dream: Welcome to the Author's note! Today we've got a special gu– Oh! Hedgepig woke up!
Zero: ...Hedgepig...?
Tenka (the special guest star; you may remember him from such fanfics as 'Echoes in the Wind' and 'Meeting Thine Pixilated Doom'): Her stupid little Digipet thing.
Dream: Hedgepig isn't stupid ((hugs digipet)) He didn't mean it, Hedgepig!
Zero: Oh, I get it. Tenka's jealous of the...thing...
Tenka: I am not! Why would I be jealous of an electronic, pixilated piece of garbage?
Dream: TENKA! How could you say such a thing about my precious little Hedgepig? I'm disappointed in you! Go to your cage!
Tenka: ((groan)) Yes, mother...
Zero: Err...On with the fanfic...?
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Last time:
Hiei arched an eyebrow at the empty harness in front of the dogsled. "How is this thing going to move?"
"Harmony's going to pull it in her fox form."
"I'm what? No way!" Harmony shook her head.
Flash held up a bag of caramel, "Not even for a caramel?"
Harmony's eye twitched, "Curse my sweet tooth..."
Flash grinned as Harmony turned into her fox form. She was a bit smaller than Youko with pure black fur and eight tails. The fox stepped over to the harness and Flash put it on her. Hiei and Vlad climbed into the cart with the others. Flash took her place in the dogsled and attached a caramel to a fishing pole she had with her. She dangled the candy in front of the fox's nose. "Mush!"
And oh, did Harmony mush.
Now:
Dude, Where's my Dogsled:
So, around this time, Mr. Norman Smith was stuck in traffic. Alas but it is a cruel fate which has befallen everyone's favorite Random Neighbor Man! Poor Norman Smith; to be in traffic is a horrible thing! The unmoving lanes packed with cars - each driver glaring at the car in front of them, wishing it would spontaneously combust or something of the sort - just seem to suck out your very soul! It's all just too horrible for words! Why, the very mention of 'traffic' is enough to send shivers up the spine of any driver. I admire you, Norman Smith, for surviving so long.
Yes, fate cannot be much crueler to this poor soul. Oh? Your favorite radio station has been replaced with an elevator music station? How can this be! Who could possibly be so cruel! What's this? A phone call? Oh dear! You'll be fired if you don't get to work soon? You poor, poor soul... But take heart! For your day will soon be brightened by a heavenly visitor...
"BWAHAHAHA! Look upon my glory and envy me! For I am God, and God does not get stuck in traffic! And you, too, can experience the joy of not being stuck in traffic! All you have to do is hand over your car (and any other possessions I deem necessary) to me! Then you will be free! Aside: and I will be rich!"
Norman Smith looked to his right to find the source of the voice. There was Flash, steering her fox driven wagon over people's cars like a maniac. Yusuke, Kuwabara, and Loki were clinging to the sides for dear life. Hiei, being little, had nearly blown away, but managed to catch hold of Vlad's hair at the last moment. Vlad had one hand on his hair and one on the wagon. His eyes were tearing from his hair being pulled. His hat had long since flown away. Youko and Terminator were digging their claws into the wagon.
"Oh, please God! Just let me survive this trip and get back to my Yukina in one piece! That's all I want!" Kuwabara yelled to the sky.
"God's busy denting people's cars and shamelessly promoting becoming a hermit for the sake of making God rich right now. Please don't leave a message; God doesn't care about you anyway." Flash responded.
Yusuke rolled his eyes, "I think he was talking about the real God."
"I am the real God, Yusuke."
"No, you're just Flash."
"Yusuke, I have demonic minions. Therefore, I must be God."
"God doesn't have...mmf!" Yusuke's protest was interrupted by a stressed out cat being thrown at his face. Terminator immediately dug his claws into Yusuke's scalp. "Aagh! Cat...claws...owies!"
"Boy, I'll tells ya, some peoples are just plain nuts."
Norman Smith directed his attention to the coffee cup in his hand. There was a mini potbellied man in a pink ballerina leotard and tutu with pink ballerina shoes. He was holding a wand with a star at the end and had pink fairy wings on his back. He also had a cigar hanging out of his mouth.
Norman Smith blinked, "Who are you?"
"I'ms the coffee fairy. I'm here to grant you wishes and crap. So whaddya want, buddy?" The Fairy responded.
Norman Smith sighed. He calmly rolled down his window and threw his coffee out. The fairy's voice echoed as he and the cup fell towards the pavement, "F you, buddy!"
"COFFEE!" Flash yelled, turning her wagon to chase the falling coffee.
"FLASH! What the hell are you doing! Are you trying to kill us all!" Hiei screamed at her.
Vlad hissed, "Flash forced us all to get life insurance and name her as the sole benefactor, remember? If we die, she gets all of that money."
"Damn!" Hiei growled.
Flash was laughing insanely. She steered the wagon off the highway after the coffee.
Some time of aimless running later:
Flash parked her wagon outside of a Gas Station Service Mart. Harmony collapsed onto the ground panting heavily. Flash poked the fox with her foot. She looked over at the people in the wagon. They were all frozen in shock, their mouths twisted into horrified positions suggesting that their voice boxes had died from all the screaming. Flash shrugged and walked inside the mart.
"Hey, how does one get to Wyoming from here?" Flash asked the cashier.
The cashier blinked and repeated with a southern accent, "...'Why-oh-ming'...?"
"Yeah, it's a state. You know...Wyoming."
The cashier shrugged and shook his head. Flash sighed. She walked over to a rack of maps so that she could find out where they were. Some random man ran into the mart, "Ya gotta see this! There's a wagon out here drawn by a fox with eight tails! An' it hisses when ya poke it!"
Flash immediately stuck the map and a bottle of water into her pockets before following the cashier outside. There was a group of people crowded around the wagon poking at Harmony. Harmony was hissing and snapping at people. The others were still in shock. Flash shoved her way through the crowd, "HEY! Get away from my marmoset!"
"Marmoset? That ain't no marmoset, it's a fox!" A person responded. To his neighbor he whispered, "What's a marmoset?"
"No, my friends, that is a marmoset. Marmosets are very vicious creatures that were created by God in order to punish those who defy God's will. By poking and tormenting God's creature you are invoking God's wrath. You will be cursed forever. Please run away in fear in an disorderly manner so as to maximize injuries." Flash nodded as she finished.
The crowd exchanged looks before walking away. Harmony gave Flash a look which clearly said 'A marmoset?' Flash shook her head and smiled. She then hopped back into the dogsled and held the fishing pole in front of Harmony's face again, causing the fox to take off once more.
While Harmony was running, Flash was looking at the map. "Hm...According to this, we're somewhere in Colorado. To get to Wyoming, we need to go...hmm...this way...but that'll take too long. Let's take a short cut through Rocky Mountain National Park! Mummy Range sounds like a nice pleasant place."
And so, Flash steered her wagon towards the Rocky Mountain National Park. At the entrance, there were some...problems.
"What do you mean I can't go in? The park's supposed to be for public enjoyment!" Flash hissed.
The Park Ranger shook her head, "I'm sorry, but you can't bring those animals in here."
"They aren't animals! They're my family members in costumes! How many times do I have to tell you?" Flash responded.
The Ranger looked at the animals. Youko was sitting on his hind legs with his front paws together and looking at the sky. He was making little yip noises, making it seem like he was saying a prayer. Harmony was sitting up and using a paw to bat at the caramel that was hanging above her head. Terminator still had his claws digging into Yusuke's scalp. The Ranger looked back at Flash with a raised eyebrow.
Flash smiled widely, "You're not buying this, are you?"
"No."
"Well, then...Holy Crap! Is that Bigfoot?" Flash pointed into the distance.
The Ranger crossed her arms and narrowed her eyes at Flash, "I'm not going to fall for that."
The Ranger was suddenly knocked unconscious by the hand of a large furry creature. The creature gave Flash a thumbs up before walking away. Flash waved, "Thanks Bigfoot!"
Yusuke, Vlad, Hiei, Loki, and Kuwabara stared blankly at the retreating Bigfoot. They then looked at each other before laughing nervously. Flash then held the caramel further in front of Harmony so that she would chase it again.
"Flash, are you sure this is a good idea? What if we get lost?" Loki asked.
"Don't worry! You've got God with you! God never gets lost!" Flash assured.
Some time of being lost later:
Vlad's voice took on a mocking tone, "'don't worry! God never gets lost!' Flash, I'm going to kill you."
"We're not lost, Vlad. We're just taking an unscheduled scenic detour." responded Flash.
Kuwabara grinned, "I love unscheduled scenic detours!"
"Kuwabara really isn't very smart, is he?" Loki questioned.
Hiei snorted, "If you're just noticing this now, then you really aren't very smart."
"Arroo!" Youko whined, rolling around on the bottom of the wagon.
"What's with him?" Yusuke asked.
Vlad wrinkled his nose in disgust, "Flash, for the sake of my sanity, please stop."
"But we still have a long way to go..." Flash blinked, looking back.
Vlad pointed at Youko, "Unless you want to be pulling a wagon which reeks of the scent of un-potty trained fox, you'll stop."
Everyone looked horrified at the fox before screaming to stop the wagon. Flash immediately did so. Youko hopped out and walked off into the bushes. Harmony settled down to take a quick fox nap. All that running without getting caramel had really worn her out. Her ear twitched as she heard Youko coming back to the wagon. He took a short detour over to where Harmony was harnessed to the sled and sniffed at her. A low growl came from the napping black fox. Youko whined.
"Hey, hey, stop harassing the sled dog! I need that thing in good humor so that I can further my plans of world domination! Shoo!" Flash waved a hand at Youko.
Youko growled at Flash. Vlad coughed, "I'm not sure, but I believe what he's trying to say is 'She's mine and I can harass her if I want to!' Of course, if I'm right than Harmony should get up to bite at him soon."
Indeed, Vlad was correct. Harmony sat up and snapped at Youko. Youko whimpered and hopped back into the wagon. Flash grinned, "Good mongrels. Now, let's continue on our way!"
"But we're lost." Loki pointed out.
"Unscheduled scenic detour! Get it through your heads: God does not get lost! This is all part of my plan!" Flash threw a shoe at Loki, knocking him unconscious.
My shoe! Shuichi yelled in Youko's head. Youko picked up the shoe from where it landed after bouncing off Loki's head. He then proceeded to chew on the shoe.
Hiei was using two of his four belts to secure himself to the wagon. He was not going to allow himself to fly away again. Vlad spotted some hikers and waved at them, "Excuse me! Can you tell us how to get to Wyoming from here?"
"Um...Wyoming's in that direction." One of the hikers pointed in the opposite direction.
Vlad looked at Flash, "I told you we were lost."
"Hey, are any of you interested in buying a vampire? You can donate him to science and become real famous. Or you could resell him on eBay. He's sure to be a hit with cult followers." Flash smiled at the hikers. They exchanged looks before walking away quickly.
Vlad frowned at Flash. Hiei harrumph-ed, "Why don't you sell him on eBay? It'll solve your money problems."
"Hey, yeah! And to save money I can get a box without air holes!" Flash grinned widely at the thought of getting rich and getting rid of Vlad at the same time.
Harmony barked in laughter. Vlad hissed at her. Flash whistled happily as she turned the wagon around and headed in the direction the hiker pointed. She then sped ahead, going as fast as Harmony's legs would take them. And thus, the group reached Mummy Range by nightfall.
"Where are we?" Kuwabara asked.
"Mummy Range. We just need to pass through here then we'll be close to the exit. Then we'll travel in Colorado for a while longer until we get to Wyoming. Then we have to go to the very north of Wyoming." answered Flash with a nod.
"Where are we going, anyway?" Yusuke questioned.
Flash grinned, "To visit Autumn's aunt in Bonanza!"
"There's actually a place called Bonanza? That's sad. And who names a mountain range 'Mummy Range'?" Vlad wondered aloud.
Elsewhere:
Some random chipmunk with a bowtie is sitting in front of a computer chattering away pointlessly.
Back to the story:
"And why are we even in Colorado? We could've just gone straight from New York to Wyoming! But nooo, we have to somehow wind up in Colorado!" Vlad continued complaining.
Flash sweat dropped, "Just go along with it. If we were to just skip right to being at Autumn's aunt's house, the story would get boring."
"That's true...but still..." Vlad sighed.
Kuwabara screamed and pointed ahead of them at the mountains they were approaching, "Mummies!"
"Kuwabara, mummies don't exist." Yusuke explained.
Vlad shook his head, "Actually, Yusuke, mummies do exist. The Ancient Egyptians used mummification to preserve the bodies of the dead for the trip to the afterlife. Even today, mummies are still being discovered."
Everyone stared at Vlad. Vlad narrowed his eyes, "Well, since Kurama's not here, somebody had to say it."
Muttered agreements came from the group. Kuwabara shook his head, "No, guys, I'm really serious. There are mummies walking towards us."
"Kuwabara, even if there were mummies around here, which there aren't, they certainly would not be walking since they're dead." Flash responded.
"What about me?" Vlad asked.
Flash blinked, "What about you?"
"Well, technically I'm dead, but I can walk." Vlad explained.
Flash narrowed her eyes at him, "Yeah well...you're a freak of nature. God doesn't like you. So shut up."
"But..."
Flash stuck her tongue out at him. Meanwhile Yusuke and Kuwabara were looking around the wagon in fear. There were mummies of various sizes waddling along next to the wagon. Harmony didn't seem bothered by them at all. She had her eyes focused on the caramel in front of her as she struggled to pull the wagon up the sloping trail.
Hiei looked over at the mummies, "...the idiot was telling the truth, apparently..."
"Huh?" Flash looked back. She then noticed the mummies, "Holy crap! Mummies!"
"I told you!" Kuwabara yelled.
"Yeah, but you smell bad." Flash responded.
Harmony came to an abrupt halt, causing the wagon to start rolling backwards slowly. It gradually picked up speed until the wagon was rolling out of control, dragging Harmony along on the harness. Flash quickly hopped out of the sled, "Abandon ship!"
"Flash! The captain's supposed to go down with the ship!" Vlad yelled at her.
Flash waved, "Congrats on your promotion, Captain!"
Vlad growled. Hiei was desperately trying to detach his belts from the wagon. Yusuke and Kuwabara were screaming. Youko was struggling to get over to the side of the wagon so he could hop out. Terminator still hadn't left his post atop Yusuke's head. Loki was still unconscious. Harmony was struggling to stop herself from dragging along the ground. Vlad moved to jump out of the wagon. Right before Vlad was able to jump, the wagon connected with a tree, sending its passengers flying and knocking most of them unconscious.
Hours later (My how time flies when you're unconscious!):
"Vlad...Vlad, this is your conscience! Wake up and give Autumn candy...Autumn deserves candy, Vlad..." A soft, spooky voice whispered next to Vlad's ear.
Vlad groaned and turned over in bed, "No she doesn't..."
"Yes she does."
"No she doesn't." Vlad's eyes snapped open, "When did I get into a bed?"
Autumn hopped away from the bed so she wouldn't be hit by Vlad's sudden movement. She smiled, "Morning, sleepy head!"
"Ugh. Not you... Where's Harmony? At least she isn't an annoying little worm baby..." Vlad grumbled.
Autumn frowned, "Somebody is even grumpier than usual today."
"I was stuck in a wagon rolling backwards down a hill at an alarming rate, knocked unconscious when said wagon hit a tree, and woke up to find you looking at me! Oh, what a perfect day I've been having! I think I'll go dance in a meadow of flowers!" Vlad put on a mocking smile.
"There, that's better. Isn't it nice not to be grumpy?" Autumn smiled and pat Vlad on the back.
Vlad growled and moved away. He then noticed that were a few other beds nearby which had Yusuke, Kuwabara, and Loki on them. Flash was sitting in a chair in the corner petting her cat and surveying the group with an evil look which sent shivers up Vlad's spine. Hiei was leaning against the wall near Flash. Youko hopped up onto the foot of Vlad's bed and wagged his tails. Vlad rubbed his head, "Where are we?"
"The mummies took us deep into the bowels of Mummy Range." Flash answered from her corner.
"Why?" Loki asked, sitting up.
"So that you may join us for dinner, of course!" A voice said from the doorway.
The group looked over to see a mummy standing there in all its bandage-wrapped glory. The mummy made an awkward bow, "My name is Monifa. I am the leader of this mummy colony."
"How'd you learn to speak English?" Loki asked.
A girl with dirty blonde hair tipped with black and red stepped out from behind Monifa, "I taught her!"
The group stared blankly at the girl who was dressed all in black. She had one red eye and one silver eye. She was grinning. Autumn jumped up and down, "Reza! Yay, it's Reza! Cool!"
"Oh. Yeah. Go. Me." Reza joined Autumn in dancing.
Vlad sweat dropped, "What are you doing here, Reza?"
"I was looking for zombies so that I could make them my minions. But instead I found mummies. I was really close this time, though. Next time I'll find the zombies for sure!" Reza nodded determinedly.
Yusuke had woken up in time to hear that explanation, "Let me guess, this is another one of Autumn's friends?"
Reza stopped suddenly and pointed at Youko, "Oh em gee! It's Youko! Hug!"
"Yelp!" Youko yelped, jumping away as Reza dove at him to give him a hug.
Reza pouted, "Aw man..."
"You said something about dinner?" Vlad asked the mummy.
Monifa nodded, "Oh, yes. We've prepared a nice dinner for all of you."
"Food? Well, what are we waiting for? Let's eat!" Kuwabara grinned, sitting up in bed.
Monifa nodded and held the door open for everyone. Reza led them all down a torch lit tunnel. On the way they passed by some more mummies, walking around doing mummy things. Down one of the tunnels they passed by, they could see a large cavern with homes and shops carved into the rock.
"You know, we could probably make a hell of a lot of money selling the location of this place to some news station." Flash pointed out.
"Good luck getting them to believe you." Hiei stated simply.
Flash crossed her arms, "You always have to ruin my fun."
"We're only stuck in this place because of your shortcut." Hiei defended.
"Well, we only had to take my shortcut because Autumn decided to dye you guys pink...again." Flash retorted.
This caused everyone to glare at Autumn. Autumn held up her hands, palm out and laughed nervously, "On a scale of 1 to 10, how painful will my death be if I tell you that the dye was originally intended to be used on Flash's hair?"
"Hmm... More painful than there is a number for." Flash nodded.
Autumn continued to laugh nervously, "Alright, well just checking! It wasn't meant for Flash at all!"
"Good."
Reza spread her arms open wide, "We're heeere!"
The gang looked forward to be greeted by a large room lined with golden statues and artifacts that seemed to be of Egyptian origin. There was a large golden table whose legs were in the shape of various Egyptian gods in the center of the room with lots of food laid out upon it. There were some golden stools with cushions on them around the table. A large chandelier hanging from the ceiling provided all of the room's light.
"Spiffy..." was all that Autumn could say.
"FOOD!" Yusuke and Kuwabara yelled, completely ruining the awe of the moment. The two boys ran over to the table and sat down, immediately beginning to devour everything within sight.
Monifa stared in disgust, "Those boys have no manners at all."
"Suddenly I'm not very hungry..." Vlad stated.
Autumn rolled her eyes, "Vampires don't eat food anyway."
"...Oh yeah..." Vlad laughed and rubbed the back of his head, "I'm just so used to eating because of Hinote."
"Suure. You just don't want to admit that you're a moron." Flash shook her head, going over and sitting down.
Reza frowned, "Aw...why are you being so mean to the poor vampire?"
"Because the 'poor vampire' let our wagon crash." Loki nodded.
Vlad hissed, "Flash was the one who should've stopped the wagon."
"In case you've forgotten, you were the Captain before it crashed. Therefore, it was your job to save us." Autumn commented.
"Bah humbug!" Vlad crossed his arms and looked away.
Reza shrugged and walked over to the table. The others followed and soon everyone was eating and having a Jolly ole time. Doo doo doo...Hm? Oh! Oh yea, fanfic. Right. So, everyone was having a jolly ole time. At least until Kuwabara discovered a mummified finger in his soup.
"Um...waiter?" Kuwabara raised a hand to motion for one of the serving mummies.
The mummy waddled over, "Yesss?"
"There appears to be a finger in my soup."
"You found my finger! I was wondering where that went..." Another mummy ran over (as fast as a mummy can run) and snatched the finger off of Kuwabara's spoon. "Thank you so much!"
"No Problem." Kuwabara smiled before drinking some more soup.
Needless to say, this effectively killed everyone's appetite. There were grumbles among the group as they pushed the rest of their food away. Reza turned to Autumn, "So what are you guys doing out here?"
"We're going to visit my aunt and ask her to un-pinkify Vlad, Hiei, Youko, and Terminator. Autumn answered cheerily.
Reza perked up, "Hiei's here?"
"Yeah. Right over there. You didn't notice?" Autumn pointed at Hiei.
Reza looked and had to bite her lip to keep from laughing. Eventually she gave up and just laughed. "He looks so different with pink hair!"
Hiei growled and shot Autumn a 'You can't even begin to imagine how much pain you'll be in when I get my hands on you' glare. Autumn countered this with her very own 'Pook Pook' glare. Since he had nothing better to, Vlad added one of his 'I'm a mean scary vampire! Rarr!' glares to Hiei's glare. The combined force of their glares would have completely overwhelmed Autumn, had Flash not added in her trademark 'I'm God. You cannot glare at God or else you face being deconstructed on a molecular level. I can do that, you know. I'm God' glare to the fray. Vlad and Hiei fell over backwards with swirls for eyes.
"Ha! It just goes to show that God always wins." Flash crossed her arms and nodded.
Reza pouted, "But..."
"Eh heh. Shouldn't we be going? We've still got a lot of ground to cover." Autumn interrupted before Reza and Flash could get into one of their arguments over which one of them was God.
Reza looked mortified, "But you can't leave! You just got here!"
"I agree with Autumn. We should leave." Yusuke stated, eyeing the mummies nervously.
Flash shrugged and stood up, "Thanks for the hospitality but we've got a lot of work to do before the dog show. We'll visit again afterwards if we have time."
"Ok..." Reza pouted.
Monifa stood up and led the group through some more tunnels until they got to a rail track which had a couple of chained together mine carts on it. Monifa motioned for the group to sit in the carts. They did so and looked at Monifa expectantly.
"These carts will take you through the mountains and to an opening which will leave you in the state known as 'Wyoming', close to the Ghost Town of 'Bonanza'." Monifa stated.
Flash grinned, "Right where we need to be!"
"Thanks again! See ya!" Autumn waved.
Reza waved back, "Don't forget to visit!"
Monifa pushed a switch and the ground the carts were on made a whining noise before the end in front of the carts fell downwards, creating a slope which propelled the carts forwards at an alarming rate. Autumn began laughing insanely and holding her arms in the air. Yusuke and Kuwabara screamed and clutched at each other. Hiei was holding onto the cart with wide eyes as well as Vlad and Loki. Youko had part of Autumn's shirt in his mouth to keep her from flying out. Terminator was digging his claws into the cart and Flash was reading a manga. How Flash managed to do that while in an out of control speeding mine cart is unknown. She's just God like that.
The carts sped through loops, twists, turns, and anything else one may find in speedy roller coasters. All the while the carts continued to gain speed. Somewhere between the fifteenth loop and the eighth twist, Kuwabara passed out from lack of air. Yusuke had actually begun to enjoy the ride and had joined Autumn in laughing insanely. The carts came to an abrupt halt in front of a hole which had a sign over it announcing 'Now Leaving our humble Mummy Colony! We hope you come back to visit your mummies soon, and maybe bring some munnies, too!'
"Now that's just corny." Loki shook his head in disappointment.
Flash walked out of the cave and stretched her arms. "Ah, the sweet smell of being a step closer to victory..."
"Alright, lead the way to your aunt's house." Vlad said, turning to Autumn.
Autumn nodded. Flash looked around, "Dude, where's my dogsled?"
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Dream: Cough. Well, I'm not even going to try and make excuses for myself this time.
Zero: Good. I don't think anyone's going to buy them anyway.
Dream: Hey, that's a good idea! "Flash's excuses service. We make shit up so you don't have to!"
Zero: I don't think she'd make much money.
Dream: Oh, sadly Dog Shows is drawing close to its conclusion. I predict three or four more chapters and maybe an epilogue. Then I'm going to be taking a break from my humor fanfics and focusing on my plot fanfics. (I think I've said this before...somewhere...)
Zero: Leave a review and you may be the lucky recipient of this lovely...air.
Dream: But it's not just any air! It's air from...my backyard! Gasp!
Zero: Don't miss your chance to win this great prize! Review now!