Red Dwarf characters owned by Rob Grant and Doug Naylor and Blackadder characters by Richard Grant and Ben Elton. With thanks to Cmar for beta reading this for me! Also thanks to Sunrise of the tango factory, Cazflibs, Cmar and Radar-fox for the reviews so far! All very much appreciated! All reviews welcome!

Chapter Three – The Red Adder

It would be wrong to say that nothing happened when Blackadder pressed the button. A lot of things happened: Kryten spotted a patch of dust he had somehow missed, Lister found an old sandwich under the console, which, after he scraped off the mushrooms and small colony of ants, he started to eat. Rimmer was on number four of his 'Imperative these items are done today!' list (for those interested, the first four were wake up, brush hair, clean teeth and the one he was on now was 'For God's sake become an officer!' The Cat was mulling over some new fashion designs.

Numerous things happened in the universe, most of which were extraordinarily dull and only of interest to people who study astrophysics or people who need a thick book to stop the coffee table falling over…

What didn't happen, and this was a surprise to Blackadder, was a lot of expensive special effects, a big light show, the stars changing colour etc. I could say this was because it was a television series and didn't have the cash, but the real reason for this was that their view was suddenly blocked by the coffee shop in the way…

Most people in coffee shops expect to see big sofas and intelligent looking people with laptops trying to look important and busy (it's all a farce, they're really writing fanfiction along the lines of "Rob, handsome and daring writer, immediately became best friends and leader to all the Red Dwarf and Blackadder cast, and incidentally he was thinking of growing a beard…"). What people don't expect to see (unless they have been taking some expensive drugs, and not something like Vitamin C, which although technically a drug has never hit the dance floors with quite the force of some of the others, since it's good for you) is a Starbug space ship… For this reason there was a lot of screaming and people running for the exit…

Blackadder clapped his hands together. "Well, we're at Mrs Miggins' coffee shop. Balders, your plan actually worked!"

"I've got an important question, your eminence…" asked Rimmer.

"Have you," said Blackadder as he walked to the exit. He pressed the button and some steps elongated out of the ship, crushing a rather expensive red leather settee.

"I was wondering if you'd like to hear it?" asked Rimmer, galloping alongside Blackadder like a deranged flamingo.

"No…"

"Right," said Rimmer. "I'll ask it anyway…"

Blackadder pressed the bell on the counter. For some obscure reason people had run away when a large space ship had appeared out of nowhere and landed in the coffee shop.

"Well, your eminence, I was wondering how appearing in a coffee shop is going to save the world…"

Blackadder turned to Rimmer, a quizzical look doing its best to hide behind his small beard. "Saving the world? Why would I want to save the world?"

"Well, your officerness, I thought you said you destroyed it?"

"I also destroyed the breakfast I had this morning, it does not mean I wish to recreate it…" Blackadder strolled nonchalantly over the coffee counter… He pressed the bell…

Lister, Kryten, Cat and Baldrick wandered in behind them. "This is one neat place," said the Cat.

A small woman bustled up behind the counter. "Oh, good morning, Lord Blackadder!" She looked short-sightedly at the space ship that was taking up most of the coffee shop. It had also wrecked the ceiling, the frappuccino counter and several settees. "Is that your space ship?"

"Yes, well, there was nowhere to park outside…"

"What I can get you gentlemen? We are giving away coffee."

"Why's that?" asked Rimmer.

"The Earth's in the middle of being eaten at the moment. They started off in Australia, but nobody here noticed until 'Neighbours' and 'Home and Away' stopped and then most people were curiously happy."

"Balders?"

"Yes, Milord?"

"You know I asked you to set the time co-ordinates?"

"Yes, Milord?"

"Did you set them to before you released those Earth eating Gelfs or after?"

The front of the coffee house disappeared in the maw of a huge, hairy, practically invincible Earth eating gelf, which despite all this was curiously cute.

"I can't remember, my Lord…" Baldrick's look softened as he looked at the Gelf. "Oh, that's Fred! I remember him, friendly little chap; I mean he didn't mean to eat that fleet of Space Corp Destroyers… They annoyed him by flying very quickly in the opposite direction to the one he was going in."

"One coffee to go, please, Mrs Miggins!" said Blackadder. He then looked curiously about as she ran out the door and right into the mouth of Fred's friend, George.

"Well, I hate to leave in the middle of a coffee…" said Blackadder.

"Better the middle of a coffee than the middle of a gelf," said Rimmer. He was so shocked he forgot to add 'your officerness' at the end. He was also running very quickly back into Starbug.

"Sorry about the coffee shop and the Earth," said Blackadder to the disappearing feet of Mrs Miggins. Her feet were not disappearing in a magical sense but more in a being eaten sense by a huge ravening monster sense.

Blackadder scampered back into the Starbug and pressed the time jump button just before the entire coffee shop got eaten…

The Starbug winked into existence next to the space station just a few short hours from when Blackadder and Baldrick would begin their three million year sleep and the Earth would be eaten.

Blackadder had called the crew into the cockpit of the Starbug.

"Right, crew, what we have to do is stop the past Baldrick," at this Baldrick raised an arm, "from releasing these gelfs. We need someone with style, authority and panache to go in and sort this out…" He raised an eyebrow. "Normally this would mean me, but I'm already on board the station, or at least my past self is."

Rimmer coughed.

"So we need someone with Space Corp experience who could pass as an Admiral…"

Rimmer coughed again, but louder.

"Someone who knows the Space Corp system inside out…"

Rimmer was going a strange shade of purple as he carried on coughing.

"Someone intelligent, brave and fearless who doesn't mind being eaten…"

Rimmer stopped coughing and immediately pointed to Lister.

"Okay, Rimmer, the job is yours," said Blackadder. "Just try and control that cough of yours…"

"I would be honoured to accept the assignment, your beardedness," said Rimmer. "But much as I would love to face all that unknown danger…"

"The danger's not unknown, is it, Balders?"

"Oh no, sir! I know Fred, Neville and Keith quite well!" Balders peered out of the window of the ship. Strapped to the side of the Space Station was a huge cage with pulsating energy bars. These flared up every few seconds as the huge gelfs kept trying to escape. "That chap over there…" Balders pointed to one of them.

"The one who is busy eating the asteroid the Space Corp just dropped in?"

"Yep, he is Neville," said Baldrick. "You see that huge bit of metal round his neck?"

"Yep…"

"That was the Space Corp Destroyer Hermes. Nev caught it and wrapped it around his neck as a prize; that was when they annoyed him by feeding him."

"And you want me to stop them escaping?" said Rimmer.

"Should be simple enough," said Blackadder. "Holly?"

"Yep."

"Give Rimmer the dress uniform of a four star Space Corp Admiral."

"What do I look like? A tailor?"

"No, you look like a computer on his last chance before I reprogram you with a soldering iron, a screwdriver and a four kiloton nuclear bomb."

"I'll just look up the uniform, just a sec…" Holly disappeared for a few seconds.

Rimmer appeared in the dress uniform of a full Admiral of Hawaiian hula hula girls.

"Well, this is very fetching," said Rimmer. "But I don't really think that a grass skirt and coconut shells over my nipples is really the way to save the Earth…"

"Just a sec…" He disappeared again and then reappeared. "What about this?"

Rimmer looked down at his shoulders and what he was wearing, which was the dress uniform of a Roman Admiral complete with toga. "Well, at least I look like an Admiral now." Blackadder was slowly shaking his head. "However this uniform was old fashioned when Caesar said 'I'm sick of eating laurels as a salad, I'll wear them on my head instead'. Get me a proper uniform!"

"Baldrick!" said Blackadder. "Fetch me my programming guide for villainous psychopaths, and a small nuclear bomb."

"Right away, sir!"

"Just a minute! Just a minute!" said Holly. "There, what about that?"

Rimmer was weighed down under the weight of the epaulettes. "Perfect, Holly, perfect!"

Rimmer turned to Blackadder. "Are you absolutely sure I'm best for this job, your officerness?"

"Well," said Blackadder. "It's either you, an automated toilet brush, a man who has yet to be admitted to the human race, or a man descended from cats. All you have to do is stop those creatures escaping."

Rimmer looked out at the window at the huge beasts now safely caged. He then looked down at his shoulders. He was an officer! And more than just an officer, an Admiral!

"I'll do it, sir!"

"Excellent," said Blackadder. "Open a coms channel to the station, Balders."

"Errrhhh…"

"Radio contact. Start radio contact."

"Errrmmm…" Baldrick looked over at the controls.

"Press the button, the blue button."

"What colour's blue?"

"It's that circular button there!"

"What's a circle?"

"That one! That one!" Blackadder pointed at the blue circular button with the label on it saying 'Comms channel'.

"Oh, right," said Baldrick with unfounded confidence as he pressed the button next to it, which was the rocket booster. The Starbug scraped down the side of the Station with a horrendous screeching sound and some rather colourful sparks. A huge clawed hand came out of the side of the cage and tore off one of their fins. This was dragged back and eaten by a happy looking Neville.

"No, this one! This one!" said Blackadder and pressed the button himself.

"Space Station 456. This is a message to the JMC Starbug that is currently trying to dock with us with the ineptitude of a hippo trying to dance the waltz."

"Errrmmm, yes?" said Rimmer, standing next to the speaker.

"STOP WRECKING MY STATION!"

"Yes sir, sorry sir," said Rimmer, wincing slightly.

"You are an Admiral," mouthed Blackadder. "Nobody shouts at you!"

"Oh yes, I'm an Admiral by the way! Would you kindly move your Space Station when I'm trying to park this ship!"

"You dock, not park," said Blackadder.

"Sorry, dock!"

"Sorry, your Admiralness," came the voice crackling through the communicator. "We'll open up hangar one for you. Please steer the ship towards the…"

Rimmer coughed.

"I mean we'll move this huge ten mile wide, 500 billion tonne Space Station just for you, sir. You just stay still, sir…"

Various rocket jets around the station fired up as they expertly manoeuvred the station round the Starbug.

"Okay, Rimmer. We'll stay in touch via this radio receiver attached to your hat," said Blackadder, as the door hissed open and the staircase elongated out. "You have two hours to save the world…"