Red Dwarf characters owned by Rob Grant and Doug Naylor and Blackadder characters by Richard Grant and Ben Elton. With thanks to Cmar for beta reading this for me! Also thanks to Sunriseover the tango factory, Cazflibs, Cmar and Radar-fox for the reviews so far! All very much appreciated! All reviews welcome!

Chapter Five – The Red Adder

Rimmer groaned and woke up. His head felt like a small but very industrious mole was trying to tunnel out of it.

"What happened?"

"We were going to ask you the same question," said Blackadder.

"The Earth?"

"Currently being eaten; they have saved the moon for desert and are currently multiplying at such a rate that they will have eaten the solar system in about four hours."

"Oh dear," said Rimmer, getting to his feet. "How did you get me out?"

"Kryters sneaked in and rescued you in all the kerfuffle of the Gelfs eating everything outside the space station. We need another plan." Blackadder turned to the controls of the Starbug and expertly pressed a few buttons on the console.

With a shimmer the Starbug returned back in time to just before Rimmer had gone on board the space station.

"Okay, we need a different approach this time. Now obviously myself and Balders can't go on board since we are already there. Rimmer can't go because he's on board as well, so it just leaves Lister, Cat and Kryten." Blackadder looked over at Kryten. "Kryten, you are our backup. Lister and Cat, you will sneak on board and stop Balders releasing those Gelfs."

"Okay, Skip," said Lister, slouching past.

Blackadder fixed him with a beady eye as he passed. "Don't mess this up! Also, if you bump into your past selves or the old Rimmer, you could cause a chain reaction that could end the universe!"

Lister shrugged. "We don't want to meet the new Rimmer, let alone the old one; what's new? It's me! Hero of the hour! What could possibly go wrong?"

"Well, sir," said Kryten. "You could accidentally blow up the universe. You could release the gelfs early and doom the galaxy to being eaten. You could set up a clown college. You could…"

"It's a retorrytikal… A retook… A made up question, Kryters. Chill. We're the posse! Come on, Cat."

"If this eats into my preening time, I am so out of there!"

The Starbug sneaked next to the space station. A walkway elongated out from the side of the station and attached itself to the Starbug with a loud hollow clang.

Lister and the Cat crept on board. Lister rolled into the space station like the hero he wasn't. The Cat just strolled elegantly in. There was no way he would roll in on the dusty floor. It would so ruin his hair!

Cat hit his communicator. "Cat to Budski Adder, we are in!"

"I know, I know, I can see you."

The Cat turned around and could see Blackadder waving him on through the porthole.

"Hey Buddy, it's you!" he warbled. "Does my hair look okay to you? I mean, is this the kind of look heroes have nowadays?"

"Cat?"

"Buddy?"

"Shut up! Okay you two, don't mess this up! I can't believe I am having to trust someone who would have to take an exam to reach the level of simple."

"He's talking to you," said Cat to Lister.

"Right; come on Cat, let's go! Let's go!" said Lister, pushing him on. The Cat had caught sight of his reflection in the porthole and paused to admire it. "Move! Move!"

"Where we going, hamster face?"

"The Gelf deck! Move! Move!"

An officer came rushing past them. "What the devil are you two doing here?"

"We're just…" Lister searched for a word he had not used in years. "Working?"

"Well, get a move on, chaps, Admiral Rimmer is about to address the station."

"Rimmer? Goal post head?" said Cat. "We just left him in the green insect one!"

"Yeah, it must be his past self."

"Come on, chaps," said the officer, moving them along. "Chivvy along! It's not often we have a chance to see such an officer!"

"We'll just go in this direction…"

The officer got out a gun. "Insurrection, right! You follow me or I'll have you shot!"

"Insurr whatty, buddy?" said the Cat.

"Okay, okay," said Lister. "Come on, Cat."

They walked into a vast hall containing hundreds of Space Corp personnel. And there at the front, to their astonishment, was Arnold Rimmer. Addressing everyone! The officer they were with looked at Rimmer with adoration and they crept past him.

They sneaked out the back while all this was going on. Lister could swear that Rimmer spotted them out of the corner of his eye but he was too busy giving a speech and waving his arms like a mad semaphore man on acid.

"Where are we off to, bud?"

"The Genetically Engineering deck or something?" Lister pushed Cat in front of him. "Come on, into the lift! Move, move! How did I get partnered with you?"

The lift pinged and there in front of them was a vision of loveliness. Well, to be more realistic, it was a young woman in a tight dress, depending on your viewpoint. The viewpoint, according to Lister and the Cat, was as if the universe had suddenly stilled and all there was - was her.

"Where to, boys?"

Lister had trouble finding his voice that seemed to have hidden behind his libido. "The Genetic Engineered whatsit deck."

"That's a classified deck, can I see your clearance?"

Lister smirked. "You wanna see my clearance already? Wow, you are a fast mover!"

"Your pass, dingleberry breath."

"You look great," said the Cat to her. "I love your dress, it's very couture meets street. What's the material?"

She smiled. "Thank you. It's satin."

"It looks lovely, I've thirty-seven suits made of satin. Don't you find ironing it is a real pain? I used to lick my clothes clean but I find dry cleaning far better."

"You used to lick your clothes clean?"

"It's a biological wash."

"Cat?" said Lister.

"Yes?"

"Shut up."

"So why do you two need to visit the Gelf deck?"

The Cat started, "We've gotta save the world from these weird hairy beasties."

"What?"

"He means," said Lister, elbowing him none too gently in the ribs, "we are researching Gelfs."

"So you're scientists?"

"Nope," said Cat.

"Yes!" insisted Lister. "Scientists." He jabbed himself on the chest with each word. "That's us, scientists."

"So where's your pass?"

"We, err, experimented on it?" said Lister, wincing slightly with each unbelievable word.

"Okay," she said, looking at the two, taking in the curry stains on Lister and the paunch that told of too much food and not enough exercise. "Well, I'd best escort you." She pressed the lift button and it started clanking and whirring towards the Gelf Research deck. "So what are you two researching?"

"We are researching Dopiaz, Dhansak, Jalfrezi and Biriyani curries and their long term effects on the human digestive system."

The Cat waved his hand in front of his nose. "Not good."

A pinging noise came from the lift and the door slid open. In front of them was the Gelf Research deck. Scientists and technicians were running about with clip boards looking busy. Several cages in the deck itself held a number of Gelfs. Not as huge as the ones tethered to the space station outside but with enough teeth to give a dentist nightmares.

"Keep an eye out for Baldrick," whispered Lister to the Cat. "We've got to stop him."

The woman stopped in front of a lab desk. There was a genetic manipulation device, a microscope and even though this was the 23rd century, a Bunsen burner and one of those glass tubes that look like they are the result of a hiccupping mad glass blower. It is just something all scientists have. They might be researching the sex lives of the Guatemalan fruit fly and the effect potato growing in Skegness had on it in the 14th century (not much, curiously) but unless they have a mass of glass tubes on their desk and a Bunsen burner no-one will take them seriously.

"Okay, scientists," she said, folding her arms and looking slightly smug. "Show me your research."

Lister looked over this mass of electronics and glass and his eyebrows nearly met in the middle.

The Cat shimmied over to the table. "Hey babe, I'll show you how cats research." With unfounded confidence he started pressing buttons on the console and moving the Bunsen burner under the one of the glass tubes. He then started to pour little bits of chemical into various parts of the experiment.

As anyone who as ever turned themselves successfully blue in chemistry lessons or caused the evacuation of the science block by creating a strange jelly beast, moving Bunsen burners under glass tubes and adding in chemicals is a recipe for disaster.

"What are you doing?" she asked, walking closer to the Cat.

Lister, looking slightly worried, started to lower himself behind the table. Several other scientists saw what was going on and started to scamper towards the lift.

"I'm just adding this in, Missy!" The Cat poured a small vial of Tetrajfkdja Bicarmobate into the mix. The lid of the vial fell to the floor and the Cat ducked down to pick it up.

As soon as she leant over the table to look at what was happening - the chemicals, for want of a better word, glooped. What this means is that they splattered over anyone who was in the area. This happened to be her.

"Aaaaaah!" She screamed and put her hand to her face. "What is…"

Lister looked over at her. Her face started sprouting hair.

"You look fine, you look fine!" Lister grabbed the Cat and started pulling him towards where the Gelfs were tethered.

She looked at her reflection in one of the test tubes. "I'm growing a beard! You've made me grow a beard!"

"The macho look is in now! Come on, let's go!"

"You've given me a beard!"

"No need to thank us!" said the Cat. Lister grabbed him and they both ran, a bearded lady in hot pursuit.

"Come back here while I kill you!"

"Into the lift, come on, Cat!"

With seconds to spare they both slid into the lift. They frantically pressed a button. Anywhere! They just needed to escape!

The lift started heading up, clanking noisily as it went. There was a ping sound and the lift started heading back where they had come from.

"Oh smeg!"

Lister looked about wildly. There, against all hope, was a maintenance hatch above them. The Cat leapt towards it, his feline enhanced skills giving him the extra boost. In seconds he had clambered in. He then lowered himself down and grabbed hold of Lister. He closed the grill beneath him.

The lift door pinged open on another floor. Lister looked through the grill and could see Baldrick walking in, the past one.

"That's who we've got to stop!" hissed Lister. Lister just started to open the maintenance hatch when the door pinged open again. It was her! The bearded lady! He quickly shut it again.

"You!" she said imperiously to Baldrick. "Have you seen two men? One smelly, ugly one and one who looks like a finalist for Come Dancing?"

"That's not fair," hissed Lister to the Cat. "You're not that smelly!"

"Why?" asked Baldrick.

"Because I'm going to kill them!"

"No, is this the floor to the Gelfs?"

"Yes, but everyone's just evacuated that floor due to my beard incident."

Baldrick smiled. "That's fine then, I won't be disturbed. Love the beard by the way; my last girlfriend had a beard like that. They still let me visit her in London Zoo." The lift pinged open. "I won't be long." Baldrick walked out of the lift to the Gelf floor. The lift carried on its journey.

Lister slapped himself on the head; it didn't have much effect so he slapped the Cat instead. That made him feel a lot better. Baldrick was going to release the Gelfs and they were stuck on top of the lift with a mad bearded woman inside it! And they had helped him do it!

The lift trundled down a couple of floors and then a slightly pop-eyed Admiral Rimmer scampered on.

"If Rimmer sees us we could blow up the universe!" said Lister to the Cat.

"I wasn't that attached to it anyway," said Cat, levering at the hatch. Lister pushed him off it.

"Stop it!"

They listened into the conversation. Rimmer had a short chat with her which ended with her flattening him with a great right hook.

"I've been wanting to do that for years," hissed the Cat reverently. "She's my kind of woman!"

"She's got a four foot beard!" hissed Lister.

"Stop it, you're turning me on! For Cats beards are a thing of beauty!"

"Remind me not to shave near you in future," said Lister.

She then got out on the hospital deck and Lister and the Cat lowered themselves carefully down into the lift next to the comatose Rimmer.

"Right, let's go up to the…"

Klaxons erupted around the space station as the Gelfs were given their freedom by Baldrick.

"Smeg!"