SG: Oh dear god I'm back…again. And so begins the next chapter, let the insults begin.

Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing, not even the clothes on my own back coz technically my parents bought them and I'm too lazy to get a job.

Chapter 3: The Smelly, Horizontal Diagon Alley

It had to be all a dream. There had to be cable.

Harry woke up. It was not a dream. There was no cable. Was there a chance that there was magical cable in Diagon Alley? Harry would have to find out whenever they went there.

OK. Harry clamed himself in time to watch the pathetic, lame, drugged owl Errol crash into the window. It was funny how one animal could represent half the Weasley family so realistically.

Anyway Percy, older brother and future jerk went to collect the mail because he was a lick-ass, especially to his parents. (A/N: Chocolate anyone?)

'Oh about time!' said Mrs. Weasley. 'We finally got the letters so it's time to go to Diagon Alley!'

She eyed Harry mischievously.

Harry like Ron had just begun to worry about the safety of his virginity. No doubt Mrs. Weasley was looking for an opportunity to get Harry alone. Harry shifted as far as physically possible away from Mrs. Weasley and went with Ron to get dressed for Diagon Alley.

……………………………………………………………………………..

The Weasley's Fireplace

Harry and the Weasleys stood by the fireplace and Harry was beginning to wonder what they were doing when he was offered a fine powder – Floo powder.

Harry thought he was much too young to be snuffing drugs and the like and was about to say so when Ron spoke aloud:

'Harry doesn't know how to use Floo powder Mum!'

'Oh he doesn't? How cute! I love innocence in a man' said Mrs. Weasley fondly.

Mr. Weasley gave Mrs. Weasley a knowing look and a glare and motioned for her to explain to Harry. She did so and Harry took some of the powder to the fireplace. He was to snuff the powder and then speak the name of the place he wanted to go.

Either way, to Harry it sounded like snuffing drugs and he now knew why a lot of wizards were eccentric – they were high on floo powder. Harry guessed that also explained Dumbledore's behaviour.

Mrs. Weasley was still banging on about it and seeing the look in her eye Harry felt the need to get as far away from her as possible.

'Any place but here' said Harry frantically, whilst snuffing the powder.

Harry was engulfed by a large amount of green flames and disappeared to the next scene in the movie.

'What did he say?' Mrs. Weasley fretted

'Diagon Alley' Mr. Weasley lied, making a mental note to commit his wife and marry a muggle as soon as the Harry Potter series was finished.

……………………………………………………………………………..

'Any place but here' that actually turned out to be Knockturn Alley

Harry arrived in a rush of soot.

'If wizards are so superior, then why can't they invent cleaner and more hygienic ways of travel?' Harry wondered vaguely as he got to his feet and put on his broken glasses.

Insert dramatic and scary music to go with the scene.

Harry tapped a glass of skulls.

'Anyone awake in there?' he asked them. Not surprisingly, the skulls did not say anything back because they had no line in this movie and skulls are not alive. He then noticed a scabby, rotting hand on a cushion.

'Oh, I should touch the scabby, dangerous hand with a sign under it that says not to touch it!'

Harry/Hand of Glory shippers: Joy!

Harry touched the hand and then the hand tried to rip his hand off.

'Shit…shit…shit!' Harry yelled. 'Get off you bad ass hand!' The words 'bad ass' seemed to have worked and the hand let go and Harry ran out of the place.

In Knockturn Alley, some evil looking people started looking at him. And then they came over. And then they grabbed Harry!

'Not lost are you dear?' said one witch.

'What is this, Hansel and Gretel or something!' asked Harry, getting slightly miffed at all the unasked attention. Harry only liked attention when he was seeking it.

'Oh crap, are you telling me we got the wrong location again?' shrieked the witch.

'Yeah, sorry about that' said Harry in response. 'This is actually Harry Potter 2'

'Oh, well do you reckon I could get a part in any upcoming movies?'

'Sure…' said Harry, secretly trying to think of a way out of this situation.

It came to him when Hagrid, the Hogwarts gamekeeper came to rescue him.

Harry/Hagrid shippers: …(A/N: Don't look so surprised, there are no Harry/Hagrid shippers!)

Once outside Knockturn Alley, Hagrid started to scold Harry.

'What the F--K do you think you're doing in there Harry? That's a casting agency. You do not go to a new casting agency before a movie series is over!'

'I didn't mean to' said Harry apologetically. 'I was trying to (sort of) get to get to Diagon Alley. What were you doing there?' he said, rounding on Hagrid.

'Well if yeh must know, I was buyin' deodorant, no doubt I need it' he said bitterly.

Hagrid had always been sensitive about his personal hygiene, which in Hagrid's case was exceptionally bad.

Hagrid led Harry to Diagon Alley where they met up with Hermione, Harry's other best friend.

Harry/Hermione shippers: YAY!

Everyone else: Delusional!

'Harry you broke your glasses again, you are such a twit!' squealed Hermione, without even saying hello.

'Occulus reparo'
Obviously the spell worked and Harry's glasses were fixed.
But Harry was now confused. In the book Mr. Weasley had fixed his glasses and now Hermione should have been given a warning letter at least. How come Hermione got all the perks? They made Ron out to be such a loser when he wasn't deserving of it, especially when Hermione's been stealing people's roles and lines.

Unfortunately for Harry, he did not know that when a movie was made from a book; plots could and would be ruined. Anyway Harry thought nothing of it because he thought Hermione just might have been following the wrong script.

They said their goodbyes to Hagrid and hurried off to 'Florish and Blots', Harry still looking sooty and Hermione looking remarkably clean.

'Oh it's the make up' said Hermione in answer to the author's comment. 'I haven't actually showered in three days'

'Yeah, you couldn't ever tell!' said Harry sarcastically, pinching his nose in disgust.

'Why thank you, Harry!' said Hermione brightly, missing the sarcasm in Harry's voice not for the first time.

Author's Notes

Hermione: Were you being sarcastic Harry?

Harry: Erm… of course not Hermione, now could you please stay either ten feet away from me or have a shower!

SG: Um…anyway, yes just be nice to me and provide your feedback via the purple button. Oh and by the way, what 'extra' would you like to see in an upcoming chapter?

A confrontation between Mrs. Weasley and Harry

A parody of Sir Nick's death day party

Valentine's day as you've never seen it

Your own suggestion (whatever that might be)

Send in your answer a, b, c or your own suggestion in your review.

Today's quote: The very existence of flamethrowers proves that somewhere, sometime someone said to themselves – 'I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done' by some person I can't remember (sorry)

Reviewer Replies:

Essence of Light: Indeed but when are you going to update your story? In fact, when are we going to update our other story? Alas, a mystery that may never be solved…anyway seeing as you're the only person who reviewed (cries loudly and yeah I feel unloved people) I'm dedicating this chapter solely to you and you only, hope you like to be loved!