SG: Well Hi and Hello readers (and hopefully reviews) Read and enjoy

Disclaimer: Own nothing but I do own the shiny new pencil I found on the ground today…OK I'm lying. There was no shiny pencil I made that part up.

Chapter 4 – Please Define Agression

At Flourish and Blot's Harry and Hermione met with the Weasleys. Unfortunately for Harry, Mrs. Weasley was there and happened to pat him on the arm as they went. Now Hermione had begun to fear for Harry's virginity.

'What's the bet you'll still be a virgin by the end of the summer?' Hermione whispered.

'Not a bloody good one' Harry mumbled back. 'I'm so avoiding her forever from now on'.

Before Hermione could say anything else they realized that all the looks and fluffing up of hair was not for Harry but for Gilderoy Lockhart, an internationally famous and incredibly stupid wizard and yet his books were selling.

It was known however, that after reading one of his books, the reader's IQ dropped about 20 points. Yes, he was famous for the only known school textbook that could make the students dumber.

Anyway, Harry and the Weasleys were now concerned for Lockhart's virginity and that was basically the only part they were concerned for. Yes, tragically Lockhart was still a virgin.

After Ginny and Mrs. Weasley had a perve, Lockhart discovered Harry, whilst the Daily Prophet reporter took photos.

'Oh-My-God!' Squealed Lockhart breathlessly. 'You're Harry Potter! You so have to be in the picture with me and we'll be on the front page together!'

Harry was now doubly concerned for his virginity. Harry was still miffed that he was getting all this unwanted attention; what was he supposed to do later when he wanted to have a tantrum and everyone's efforts were wasted here?

'Ladies and gentlemen' Lockhart said, bringing Harry back to reality. 'Can you freaking believe this? And I get to teach at his school too. I'm just such a diehard fan. Yes, you guessed it folks; we will be married one day! Oh yeah, he gets all my books too because he's just so gorgeous!'

Draco Malfoy watched from above, jealous that Lockhart wanted to marry Harry and not him.

Draco/Lockhart shippers: No!

Harry/Lockhart shippers: Excellent!

Harry was now triply concerned for said virginity and rather than say anything, backed away as quickly as possible.

On the way out, Harry and the Weasleys ran into Draco and had to endure his little hissy fit.

'Famous Harry Potter, can't even go into a book shop without being promised marriage!'

'Don't be jealous Draco' said Ginny. 'You can have him coz I want Harry all to me'

Yes Harry was still concerned for his virginity.

Insert Draco's evil father, Lucius Malfoy who just so happened to walk in to the lovely little reunion taking place at present.

'Now, now Draco be nice' Mr. Malfoy drawled. 'I expect you'll be getting a similar proposal from Lockhart any day now. Too bad old Voldy didn't get you years ago…'

'Now that's not very nice' said Harry indignantly, tears forming in his eyes.

'No it wasn't. Oh, nice scar by the way. Might I just add that if it weren't for you, the Dark Lord and I would be married right now?'

'Hmmm, K' said Harry, unconcerned. Revenge always caught up with him later in the movie so he would have plenty of time to sit back and relax for a while without worrying.

Getting to the point, Lucius and Harry gave each other each an evil glare and Mr. Weasley stepped in before anything else pointless could happen.

'Don't you insult my family' said Mr. Weasley warningly

'I haven't…yet' Mr. Malfoy whined. 'You didn't even give me a chance to! What's the point of being a good guy when you haven't even let me be bad yet?'

'Indeed' said Mr. Weasley. 'Anyway could you please just insert the plot point and be on your way'

'Oh of course. Wouldn't want to keep you waiting'

And with that, Mr. Malfoy inserted the fore mentioned plot point and was on his way.

'Anyway, until I seek revenge, carry on' Mr. Malfoy and he and Malfoy junior walked out of the shop.

Harry thought Mr. Malfoy had to be the most pathetic bully in history but thought it would be rude to say so. Instead he asked: 'So where can you buy magical cable TV?'

The Weasleys looked at him as if he'd just sworn but then Ginny piped up to say: 'What's a TV?'

It was happening again. The worst thing was he had half-expected that question. Needless to say, it didn't make fainting or moving to the next scene any easier for himself or the audience. He then hit the realization that fainting at every little inconvenience was probably the most pathetic thing in history. No, scratch that he thought to himself. There is still next year and the practice is good.

Author's Notes

SG: Hmm indeed it was short. But the next chapter will be so much more fun!

Harry: Do I still have to be concerned for my virginity?

SG: You better believe it! Well anyway, here are today's quotes – 'I'm a bad sponge' and 'you gave me syphilis!'- George, Grey's Anatomy.

Only one of my reviewers will find that hilarious, you know who you are. Goodnight for now until my next chapter.

Reviewer Replies:

Graceypoo: Why thank you. If you think that's bad you should stick around to see who gets shipped in the chapters to come!

Essence of Light: It shall be done! You will see the worst valentines day in history!