Red Dwarf characters owned by Rob Grant and Doug Naylor and Blackadder characters by Richard Grant and Ben Elton.
With thanks to Cmar for beta reading this for me!
Also thanks to Sunrise over the Tango factory, Cazflibs, Cmar, Radar-fox, Cyborg-Garfield, happyhooligan2001 and Ace Trax for the reviews so far! All very much appreciated! All reviews welcome
Chapter Eight – The Red Adder
"So we're in deep doo-doo," said Baldrick to a rather bedraggled looking Blackadder.
"Yes, you could say that. We're in more trouble than a horse in a French meat factory. We've only got one person to send in before life starts getting very complicated." Blackadder raised an eyebrow at Baldrick. Baldrick stared at him blankly. He raised a second eyebrow. Still no response. This was getting serious; he nodded in Baldrick's direction.
"Who else hasn't been on board yet?" asked Baldrick, his small mousy face screwed up in concentration. If a person of Einstein's brainpower could power a continent, Baldrick's brainpower would be hard pressed to power a small fairy light.
"This isn't advanced calculus, brain surgery or even turning on a light switch, Baldrick," said Blackadder. "Everyone in this room apart from you has gone on board the Space Station to try and stop the previous you releasing the Gelfs. Note the words apart from you in that sentence."
Baldrick looked round the room slowly; Kryten, the Cat and Lister were all smiling and nodding in his direction.
"Who's next then?"
The nodding and pointing got more extreme like in a world-class headbangers concert.
"Is it your turn again, Mi'lord?" Baldrick asked Blackadder.
"For god's sake no! It's your turn!" Blackadder pointed one hand at Baldrick.
Still no response.
He pointed both hands at Baldrick.
He pointed a foot as well at him. This was getting serious; he was in danger of falling down if he raised any more feet.
"Your turn! Baldrick's turn!"
Rimmer was busy scribbling something on a huge piece of paper. It had the word "Baldrick" written on it in huge letters. He held it in front of him.
Baldrick squinted at it. "Just a minute."
"Do you need your reading glasses, bud?" asked the Cat.
"No, I need to learn to read."
"Oh for God's sake!" said Blackadder, pushing him towards the airlock. He was mildly perturbed to find out it wasn't pointing to deep space but was in fact next to the space station.
"Now Balders, you have to try and stop the previous you without bumping into the previous you or the previous us, otherwise the universe could implode for some not very good reason but something to do with metaphysics. Have you got that?"
"I'm a bit hazy on some of the details."
"Like?"
"All of them!"
"Close enough!" Blackadder pushed Baldrick into the air lock.
They were seriously running out of places to enter the space station so they had to choose a sewage outlet. This crawl is particularly horrible and the writer really doesn't want to dwell on it. After some particularly revolting adventures involving a toilet and the Space Corp vomiting championship (please don't think about it, oh it's too late!) and the less said about the morning after the Space Corp Curry eating championships the better.
Baldrick emerged in the shower block. If you can imagine something like the creature from the black lagoon, you would be nowhere near. It was at least thirty times worse. The shower block quickly cleared of screaming tanned fit naked people (male or female depending on your interests!).
You can stop thinking about that now and carry on reading.
I said stop thinking about that!
Thank you!
He quickly cleaned himself down to something that did not resemble something that belonged in a sewage works and, dripping heavily, he walked out into to the corridor.
How on earth was he to stop the previous him without bumping into him?
Baldrick stopped and tried to think. Unbidden images of turnips appeared in his brain.
He shrugged; close enough. Right now, where was I going before? The Gelf deck, right, if I can stop myself going in there I can possibly save the world!
He scampered down the corridor like an overgrown mole rat (a creature rather like a fully grown Baldrick).
Where had he been before? The Officer's mess! That was it! (Curiously, before the line of Baldricks had first infested the Earth it was called the Officer's tidy.)
His memory of what happened before was pretty hazy but that was quite normal. He knew he had been put into stasis for something?
Whatever it was, he probably deserved it.
Lord Blackadder was forever hitting him for things he deserved: like breathing, walking, and causing the utter destruction of the human race.
How on earth was he meant to stop the past Baldrick when no-body else had managed it? He would be the first person to say he was slow (well, actually he would about the fifty-second). In terms of brainpower he knew he was on a par with a squashed asparagus.
Captain Darling was in the room at the moment. He needed to find somewhere to hide. From what he remembered of his Lordship saying the whole thing started off here, if he could somehow stop the past Baldrick when he was in here, he would win.
"You're Blackadder's batman, aren't you?" asked Darling imperiously.
"Yes sir." Just keep smiling at him and keep walking.
"Get me a drink."
"Yes sir." He walked over to the kitchenette and saw the fridge. There was a bottle of Highfield Pinot Noir, a rather mediocre red wine but definitely good enough for Captain Darling.
What was it his Lordship had said of Darling? He was the excrement on the dunghill of humanity, and that was without the swear words.
He quickly decorked it and poured out a glass of red wine. He took it over to Captain Darling, who was in a deep conversation with his communicator, and left it on the side.
He then started to scuttle back to the kitchenette when Lord Blackadder walked in the room, the past one.
"Baldrick? How did you get here so fast? I left you cleaning the latrines not two minutes ago!"
"Errrrm?"
"What are you doing here?"
"Getting Captain Darling a drink?"
Blackadder grabbed Baldrick by the ear and dragged him to the kitchen. "What drink did you give him? Speak quickly or I'll cover you in ketchup and onion rings and feed you to General Melchett!"
"That red wine!" Baldrick pointed at the bottle of wine he had opened.
"Did you season it before hand, perchance?"
"No!" Baldrick squealed as Blackadder hit him.
"What did I tell you about drinks and Captain Darling?"
"To only serve him the best wines?"
"Yes, and…" Blackadder's hand was hovering over his head.
"Which have passed through me first?"
"Nearly?"
"At least four times."
"Exactly." Blackadder's hand lowered down. There was the sound of Darling talking to someone in the other room, Captain Darling's cry of annoyance, then the sound of running feet and the door slamming shut.
Blackadder walked into the room, closely followed by Baldrick.
"You just spilt wine on the carpet and ran out that door!" Darling said, pointing at the door opposite him.
Blackadder looked at Darling like he was a mad weevil that had just asked for dancing lessons. "Should I talk to the nurse about doubling your pills again?"
"I don't take any pills!"
"Well, it's high time you started."
The tannoy blared out. "Admiral Rimmer has entered the station. He might be inspecting the base. Everywhere must be clean and tidy!"
"Bugger." Blackadder looked down at the red stain on the white carpet. "Sort it out, Balders, I'm off."
"Certainly, sir."
Blackadder strolled out.
"You stay here," said Darling. "I'll see about getting some help." Captain Darling scampered out as well.
Baldrick looked worriedly about the place. This was turning into a disaster of turnip eating proportions. Captain Darling had left his communicator behind on the side.
This gave him an idea.
Was it a good idea though? He needed to occupy the past Baldrick and stop him releasing the Gelfs.
He licked his lips nervously and picked up the communicator. How did his Lordship speak?
"Blackadder to Baldrick," he said.
"Is that you Milord? Have you got a cold? If my voice goes I always eat a raw frog." came his voice, crackling over the airwaves.
"And that helps?" asked Baldrick.
"I didn't say it helps; I just always eat a raw frog."
"Shut up Baldrick, or else I'll do something unpleasant to you probably involving a bath, a turnip and an electric iron!"
"Yes Milord. You still sound peculiar milord, almost like I'm talking to myself!"
"I've spilt some red wine in the officer's mess, come and clear it up."
"Yes Milord! On my way!"
Baldrick gave himself a small cheer and put the communicator back on the side. That should keep the previous Baldrick occupied, now to escape as quickly as possible.
He ran out into the corridor, picking up an officer's hat as he went and jamming it on his head.
Baldrick might be small, smelly, and less likely to win Mastermind than a bowl of spaghetti, but hanging around Blackadder for so long had given him some small amount of weasel cunning.
He knew it was quite possible that the other Baldrick would make it to the Gelf deck anyway, so he would have to get there first and, if possible, distract him with other things. He scampered down the corridor towards the lift, his newly acquired hat nearly bouncing off with each stride.
He took off the hat and pressed the button for the lift. He pressed it several times impatiently.
The lift door pinged open and there in front of him was without a doubt an absolute stunner, apart from one minor facial hair problem she had. He sighed, she reminded him a bit of his girlfriend, except apart from the stunning bit. He got in the lift and she fixed him with a beady eye. Now Baldrick was not psychic, but he did get the feeling that if he mentioned her beard the doctors would be trying to extract a turnip inserted in him blunt end first.
"You!" she said imperiously to Baldrick. "Have you seen two men? One smelly, ugly one and one who looks like a finalist for Come Dancing?"
Curiously he could hear some muttering coming from on top of the lift at this, but he ignored it.
"Why?" asked Baldrick.
"Because I'm going to kill them!"
"No. Is this the floor to the Gelfs?"
"Yes, but everyone's just evacuated that floor due to my beard incident."
Baldrick smiled. "That's fine then, I won't be disturbed. Love the beard by the way; my last girlfriend had a beard like that. They still let me visit her in London Zoo." The lift pinged open. "I won't be long."
Baldrick opened the door to the Gelf deck to be confronted with half a dozen guards with unfeasibly large guns.
"Your name Baldrick?"
"Errr no," said Baldrick. "He should be along soon, if you wait for him outside."
"Thanks," said the guards. Baldrick pointed to his officer hat he was carrying. "Sir, I mean. Sorry to bother you, sir."
The guards filed into the lift to stop the past Baldrick when he turned up,
Baldrick did a little shuffle. "I am so smart! I am so smart! I've got a…" What was the word for brain? "Turnip! I am so smart!"
He did the Baldrick dance. For those interested, it is like a bovine with mad cow disease. Sadly, he makes the cow look like she has style.
Baldrick rubbed his hands together with glee. He had done it! He had done what nobody else had done! Nobody but him had stopped the past Baldrick pressing the button to release the Gelfs on their Earth-eating odyssey.
It still seemed odd to Baldrick. Everyone had told him he had released the Gelfs, but you know, he really couldn't remember doing it. He knew he was going to, but those wretched guards had stopped him. He did remember wanting to release the Gelfs. He had done since he had first seen them, cute little tykes.
They said he had done it and they even had a picture of him on the security camera waving at them. He looked up at the camera and gave a small wave. So it must have been him.
He had seen the photographic evidence and just shrugged his shoulders as they pushed him into stasis.
He deserved it.
Obviously.
Baldrick looked out the window at the huge energy cage that contained a dozen of the huge Earth-eating Gelfs. Every now and then the energy bars would flare up as they tried to escape. There were about a dozen smaller cages in the room with him, filled with smaller Gelfs, well on their way to becoming the planet eaters that were outside.
One of them looked at Baldrick through the energy bars with huge soulful eyes.
Poor little genetic mistakes.
They didn't deserve to be held like this, they deserved to be free!
Baldrick's hand hovered over the button.