SG: Hmmm…here I am again. How I got here I shall never know. ANYWAY let the randomness continue…

Disclaimer: I own the flying skateboard and I own the secret chicken coop but I do not however, own anything even remotely related to Harry Potter (except for my own copy of the books and merchandise of various types) Ode to the merchandise.

SG: Oh by the way I'm not doing reviewer replies anymore due to the lovely personal reply I can now do each and every chapter thanks to the wonderful new system. But if you don't sign in then I can't reply to you - I might still do review replies for annonymus reviews, I'll think about it.

Chapter 5 – The Smell of Fear

(Which funnily enough smells like crap)

Well fainting had its advantages and disadvantages. The advantage being that the director could cut more and more scenes from the book without much trouble and the disadvantage being that…well fainting did make Harry look like the biggest sissy on big screen in the history of movies.

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King's Cross Station

Ok, everyone went to King's Cross Station late as ever (with no explanation thanks to the director). Conveniently enough, Ron and Harry were the last to go through the barrier.

'We better hurry up Harry or we'll be late for the train!' yelled Ron.

'Hey Ron' said Harry absently. 'Have you noticed that if you say King's Cross Station really quickly it sounds like King's crustacean?'

'Harry I think you're missing the point here'

'Oh, right…I suppose we better get moving then…'

Harry and Ron ran into the barrier to find that it had shut itself and wouldn't let them through. As a result, they totally stacked it.

'Hey nice stack!' exclaimed a random kid.

Harry glared at the random kid. 'I'll give you nice stack you little sh—

'Well it was a nice stack' said Hedwig. 'But did you have to knock me over at the same time!'

'Hence the point of a stack' said Ron pointedly.

Harry wasn't really in the mood to discuss the concepts and morals behind stacking and changed the subject.

'I don't really want to discuss what makes a stack – can we concentrate as to why we can't get through'

'Yeah' said Ron. Then he randomly said: 'Screw it – we'll take the car!'

'Isn't that somewhat irresponsible' wondered Harry aloud

'Well yeah, said Ron agreeably. 'But we're twelve so we can get away with it and we are with you of all people. So I'd say we'll be fine.

'Well it is me I guess. All right, we'll take the car.

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Flying High in the Sky…

Well Ron and Harry had successfully high jacked the car and were flying high in the sky…

'You know Ron, it would have been better if you'd turned the car invisible before we got into the air'

'Yeah, Ron agreed. 'But then we won't get in trouble for it later, thus ruining the entertainment value of this movie'

'…Oh…right um Ron, did you fart or something?'

'Well yeah, I kind of really need to go to the toilet at this point.'

'Oh OK then'

'Right so anyway – where's the train?'

'On the train tracks, where else?' said Harry, completely dumbfounded at Ron's lack of logic. This lack of logic was further demonstrated when seconds later, Ron drove onto the train tracks where the sound of a whistle could be heard.

'Hmm…must be getting close' said Ron absently.

So then, the train suddenly came up behind them and Ron finally did something smart and veered out of the way. The car turned round and round for the sake of it and then shot higher into the air.

And then Harry fell out of the car.

And then Ron completely freaked out trying to get Harry back into the car and finally succeeded despite getting incredibly sweaty palms.

'What's that smell?' exclaimed Harry, disgusted. 'Did you fart again Ron?'

'Well actually no I didn't fart this time' blushed Ron weakly.

'Are you telling me you shat yourself? Yelled Harry incredulously. 'How on earth am I supposed to live through this?

'Well I was nervous you see and I'm slightly afraid of heights – um wind down the window', Ron suggested trying to change the subject.

Harry obliged accordingly and tried to think of sunshine and daisies. Needless to say – it didn't work.

'I should have listened to Mum when she said to pack a spare change of underwear' said Ron gloomily.

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Later – getting very close to Hogwarts

Harry and Ron's faces lit up at the sight of Hogwarts. Harry at the prospect of getting away from Ron's smell of fear and Ron at the change of underwear.

All of a sudden, the car began to splutter and went down…and down…and down…

'Did you even fuel the car up before we left?' asked Harry.

'What's fuel?'

Harry rolled his eyes seven times over.

'Can we try and go up now?'

'You think I haven't been trying that for the last twenty seconds?'

Then screaming took up the audio for the next ten seconds.

'Don't hit that tree!' yelled Harry in despair.

So Ron of course a firm believer in reverse psychology had to hit the tree, breaking his wand in the process.

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Rolling Around in the tree

More screaming took up the audio until the car stopped in the tree's branches.

The car shuddered.

The car shuddered again, more violently.

Harry could smell a familiar smell.

'Did you shit yourself again!'

Ron tried a dignified silence.

'OK last time I ride in a car with you – ever'

The tree began to try and kill Ron and Harry by banging the car.

The tree tried to grab Harry through the window and the magical knot on the tree winked.

'I think that tree likes me' said Harry, again worried about his virginity.

Whomping Willow/Harry shippers: Yay!

The tree growled.

'I want you Harry!' it said.

'You can have Harry if you don't eat me', yelled Ron shitting himself yet again.

'Some friend you are', Harry observed.

The tree stopped for a second and then choked.

'What is that smell!'

'Ron shat himself'

'Some friend you are', said Ron sulkily.

The tree shuddered in disgust and violently dropped the car.

The car took control and drove away from the tree before it could faint on them and the tree shuddered in disgust, back to an innocent tree with a crush on Harry.

Absolutely sickened, the blue Ford Anglia dumped the shitty Ron, whose personal mess had now reached the seat of the car, the pets and Harry and then drove into the Forbidden Forest. Harry and Ron attempted to run after it but gave up when they saw they had no chance.

'My parents will kill me for shitting in their car' muttered Ron helplessly.

Shit/Ford Anglia shippers: Yay!

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Hogwarts castle (after Ron had a change of underwear)

Ron/Clean Underwear shippers: Yay!

After storing their luggage, Ron and Harry headed towards the common room in the hopes of getting away with everything thus far only to run into Filch and his fiancée, Mrs. Norris, who obviously had not divorced from Mr. Norris because of their current legal case happening at the moment.

'Oh dear, someone shat themselves' said Filch to Mrs. Norris. 'In fact the smell is what led me here'

Filch smiled wickedly. Harry glared at Ron. Ron blushed and Harry fainted from prolonged exposure to the toxic fumes of shit. Wow scene changes were getting easier and easier for good old Christopher Columbus. And should I also point out that the smell of fear could undoubtedly be used to everyone's advantage.

Author's Notes

SG: Well that has to be the longest chapter I might have ever written.

Harry: Yeah you'd think one wouldn't spend so much time going on about shit. Get it? Shit!

SG: Watch it you or you won't find your virginity after next chapter.

Harry: …

SG: Well anyway hope you enjoyed this chapter because more than likely this will be my last update before Christmas, so if I don't update before next week – MERRY CHRISTMAS!

I consider all my reviews Christmas presents (hint, hint!)

Until next time, let the randomness consume you!