Sheikgoddess: An update…finally! After countless pestering by friends I finally have another chapter written. YAY! Enjoy…

Disclaimer: Don't own much of anything but the crazy shippers are mine…MINE!

Chapter 7 – Kinky Pixies and a Return of the Smell of Fear

After the interesting revelation at lunch, it was time for their first and by the looks of things only Defence Against the Dark Arts class for the year.

The room was covered in pictures of Lockhart and for some reason had a random dragon skeleton hanging from the ceiling.

'Someone has an ego issue' Harry said to Ron.

Ron nodded in earnest agreement.

Lockhart came strolling in saying 'Let me introduce you to your new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher – me'

'DAMN IT' yelled Harry 'I was hoping he really was introducing a new teacher!'

'Oh HARRY!' said Lockhart, ignoring Harry's rant as one in love does, 'It's so great to have a class together, you must simply have a coffee with me after a class!'

Everyone now feared for Harry's virginity, including Harry.

'I'm going to invest in some major protection' Harry whispered to Ron, turning a huge shade of red.

Hermione and Susan Bones simply gave Lockhart a dreamy fangirl look. They would have had to be fangirls, seeing as he was obviously…well not into women.

'Now be warned' said Lockhart, interrupting Harry's conversation. 'I'm really scared of pixies so I'm going to let some random ones out to teach you how to deal with overwhelming shades of blue. For me blue just doesn't go'

'Oh' he added, 'I've got to teach you how to get rid of them to, you know in preparation to defeat the Dark Lord'

Everyone gave Lockhart a blank look.

'You-Know-Who is now using pixies to try and take over the world?' Ron questioned feebly.

'The fiend!' Harry glowered.

Pixie/Voldemort shippers: Hell yeah!

Without warning, Lockhart released said pixies and they then vented annoyance and frustration on every one in the room. They were indeed an overwhelming shade of blue and hard to look at even.

One of the pixies saw the look of revulsion on Harry's face and cooed 'It's OK! Once you get over the overwhelming sense of doom and blue, we're actually quite fun to hang out with'

The pixie then winked knowingly at Harry and flew off and proceeded to pick Neville up by the ears.

Harry/Pixie shippers: YAY!

'Don't go there, don't go there!' Harry yelled at the shippers.

Everyone ran away from the pixies and into the corridor. Then Hermione finally did something and cast a freezing charm, which rendered the pixies immobile.

'Gee' said Harry. 'Why don't we just call this Hermione Granger and the Chamber of Secrets? Chicken coops are boring anyway. Where's my agent Ron?'

'You don't have an agent Harry. This is the only movie you've gotten an offer for'

'Oh'

Quidditch Practice

Harry and his Quidditch friends were going to practice Quidditch when the whole Slytherin team got in their way.

'I booked the field Flint! You can't have it'

'Yes I can I've got a note to train our new seeker, Draco Malfoy!'

Ron and Hermione were sitting nearby and ran over to see what all the commotion was about.

'I think I smell trouble!' said Ron

'No Ron', Hermione retorted, That's the smell of fear – you forgot to change your pants this morning. Have you ever considered Dry Nites?'

Ron considered this on the way to help out Harry.

Anyway once they got there, Draco was showing everyone their new brooms. Hermione made her famous remark and Malfoy called her a Mudblood.

He then proceeded to do his pureblood happy bum dance.

'Who's a Mudblood? She's a Mudblood!

Who's a sexy pureblood? Me, ME, MEEEEEE!

There was a most sickening routine to match.

'Who pays her to have her hair look like she's wearing a giant rat anyway? Malfoy asked.

'Warner Brothers, DUH!' said Hermione. 'Anyway no one asked you racetrack!'

Point one for Hermione there…

Anyway Ron was really upset that Malfoy had insulted his future girlfriend so he decided to lay a curse on Malfoy with his broken wand. And it kind of rebounded on himself…

Ron was reduced to spitting up…chicken eggs. But not really big ones mind. Kind of like the medium size that it says on those egg cartons in the supermarket.

Poor underdeveloped chickens…they never had a chance.

Everyone had a laugh and the random camera kid took a picture. Ron and Hermione helped Ron to Hagrid's hut.

Hagrid wasn't really much help and simply quoted Shrek.

'Better out than in'

'Hagrid do you realise you just quoted Shrek?' Harry asked curiously.

'Erm…no o' course not' said Hagrid, pushing his Shrek DVD out of sight with his foot.

And he thought we didn't notice…

'Anyway what happened?'

'Ron tried to curse Malfoy with his broken wand after he called Hermione a Mudblood' said Harry.

'Bastard' said Hagrid angrily.

'I know' said Hermione, beginning to cry.

'HEY!' Harry yelled.

'WHAT?' cried Hermione.

'You're not supposed to be a crying wimp 'til the end of the movie!'

'Oh, DAMN IT!' yelled Hermione, 'I swear someone's messed with my copy of the script!'

Harry looked away guiltily and fumbled with Hagrid's Shrek DVD to cover.

'Hagrid, have you got a copy of Shrek 2 as well?'

Hagrid sniffed the air distractedly in order to change the subject subtly…'What's that smell?'

Everyone turned their eyes to Ron, who was now blushing a very deep red in amongst spewing up more medium-sized chicken eggs.

'That dear Hagrid' said Hermione, wiping her eyes, 'Is Ron's smell of fear'

'Right – do you know where I can get that particular fragrance?'

'Sure thing Hagrid', replied Harry smirking. 'All you have to do is shit yourself'

'Oh' said Hagrid finally catching on. 'Have yer ever thought of Dry Nites Ron?'

Ron could not reply there were another dozen eggs already spewing forth from his mouth.

Harry thought for a moment in silence.

'Wasn't there supposed to be a plot point in this section of the movie somewhere?'

'No' said Hermione. 'The movies don't even make sense anymore they don't need them'

'That makes me feel so much better Hermione'

'You're welcome' Hermione replied smiling sweetly.

Author's Notes

Sheikgoddess: Another chapter, which means RoosterEgg won't eat me. Thanks to everyone that ha reviewed so far and I thank in advance for those who will in the future…as in right now!

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And of course…let the randomness breed