Allllll right. I wasn't going to post this, but after some urging from the evil genius that challenged me to write it, and the fact that it's the anniversary of her brilliant fic, I acquiesced. Who am I to thwart evil genius:P
Here's to you, Feni—and thanks, no matter how much I bitch. I did enjoy writing this, nervous bunny slippers and all.
The premise here is that "Kagome has faced up to reality that Inuyasha will never put her first; always protects/defends Kikyo if he has to choose between them. Unhappy; has gone off by herself to sniffle. Koga stops by to 'check up' on his woman; is sent after her by a worried Miroku & Sango."
I sort of took the challenge and ran with it. Enjoy the results!
-Ash
So that was it, then.
She turned from him, hardening her heart against his pity, against the guilt that showed so plainly on his face. Had he not told her? Had he not shown her over and over again the path his feelings would take? She should have known.
But it still hurt.
Gathering the shredded remains of her dignity around her like a shroud, she left the clearing, passed the concerned—and pitying—faces of Miroku and Sango without a word. Once past the edge of the trees, she broke, rushing wildly through the underbrush. Like so many other times, she had to get away, away, away from him and the pain that followed her no matter what time she inhabited.
Hot tears fell and were brushed away ruthlessly. She should have known. Insecurity, inadequacy and anger all warred for dominance inside of her, until finally only burning anger remained. In her innocence, in her naivety she had given over her heart to his keeping, and he had protected it, protected her, but never out of love—never. And now he gave it back to her, that lonely, scarred part of her, which he had held away from him to keep it whole. Whole, because of his care.
May the Gods damn him for it.
Anger again, hot and heavy, rushed through her, and she lashed out without thinking, striking the nearest tree, scraping her knuckles against the rough bark and breaking the skin. Anger fled as a different sort of pain took its place. She cradled her bleeding hand against her chest, defeated, and slid down the length of the tree to crouch at its base, finally giving vent to the tears.
How long she remained there, she couldn't possibly know. When the tears had receded, and the hiccupping sobs were annoying even to her, she made the attempt to take control of herself. Breathe deep. Mama always says to breathe deeply and…
"Kagome."
Her hair whipped about her face as she turned sharply to find Koga just at the edge of the closest circle of trees. He stepped forward tentatively, concern etched across his face and pity in his eyes. More pity. Damn them all for it.
Angrily she stood, fists clenched at her side. "What is it you want, Koga? I'm…"-- tired, angry, broken, splintered, empty, alone-- "…not in the mood."
He stopped, spread his hands and shrugged. "Sango told me to find you, and I have. You are unharmed." He cast a reproving glance at her. "She was worried, as were we all."
For a moment, she felt the shame, as he had intended for her, but it was replaced quickly by a seething hatred. How dare he judge her, how dare he reprimand her when her heart was…
"I'm surprised you came to look for me, or took orders from a human. You did, after all, eat us not so very long ago." Her voice dripped acid, enough to do even Sesshomaru proud. "What do you care, any of you, if I go or if I stay?" It did the trick—anger flared to life in his eyes, and in three strides he was face to face with her.
"Put away your verbal arrows, Kagome, or save them for those who deserve them." He grasped her shoulder, hard enough to make her wince. "Inuyasha has wronged you, not me; do not mistake who has hurt you." He saw her eyes narrow. "Yes, Sango told me, before she sent me to find you. He has…left, thinking it better for a time, to put some distance between you." He released her shoulder, allowing her to pull away. "I do believe that was the smartest move dog-shit has made yet."
She huffed and turned from him. She could feel his eyes on her, watching her without making a sound. She mentally cursed her perverse heart for hurting him again, for lashing out at the one who had actually come to protect her. Protect me, as Inuyasha has ever done…
"I'm sorry, Koga. Please forgive me. I was not thinking…clearly." The words sounded hollow even to her ears, but they must be said. For her own conscious, if for nothing else. He could not say she was ungrateful, since she said the words….right?
A strong hand again descended on her shoulder, pulling her around to face him.
"Kagome." His eyes held hers intently, blue to grey, like the sea before a storm. "Stop it."
She frowned, struggling against his grip. "Stop what? Koga, let me go."
"You're infuriating, you know that? Childish, selfish, and infuriating!"
"What! Why do you say this now, Koga? To make me feel better? What sort of twisted jerk are you?"
"Jerk? I came to find you, came to comfort you, to make sure you did no harm to yourself or found some obliging youkai to throw yourself to, dammit! Thanks are in order here, not insults!"
She smirked at him, her anger pushing her beyond the bounds of rational thought. "And how should I thank you, wolf prince?" Her words mocked him even as the husky tone of voice pulled him towards her. "Would you have me be your woman in thanks?" She laughed; a sick, twisted little giggle that sounded unhinged.
Rough hands pushed her back against the tree behind her, calloused fingers rasping against the fabric of her blouse as they dug into her shoulder. His voice was thick as he breathed into her ear, the warmth of his breath a phantom caress, a promise. "I would have you as mine, Kagome. I've never kept that secret from you."
Abruptly she was released, stumbling awkwardly until she caught her balance again. When she pushed the hair from her face she found Koga had retreated, leaning against a tree opposite her, arms crossed. He watched her warily, as if she had become unpredictable—perhaps she had.
Suddenly numbingly tired, she sat hard upon the earth, dropping her head into her hands.
Leaves crunched and she raised her head at the sound, finding Koga crossing to her. He folded his legs under him and sat in front of her, taking her hands in his as he had so many times before. Before, when he had professed his love for her, called her beautiful, claimed her. She had always blown him off, always attributed the vehemence in his proclamations to the eternal fight between he and Inuyasha, using her as a weapon against the inu-hanyou. But looking into his eyes as he sat before her, she saw something in them, something she had seen before.
In the mirror.
Shocked, she pulled her hands from his. "Gods. Koga."
Puzzled, he considered her. "What?"
She shook her head, reaching out to grab his chin, twisting his head as she peered into his eyes, searching from every angle. "I've done it to you, haven't I?"
Slapping her hand away, he pulled his chin from her hands, shaking his head. "Done what? Kagome, you're still not talking sense."
Oh, but her mind was. She could see it all clearly; every proclamation, every longing glance, every lingering touch. He had been as she was, longing for what she couldn't have, longing for what was already given to another. The realization hit her hard, re-arranging much of what she had felt, for both men. Suddenly she understood a little part of Inuyasha's guilt, and saw her own grief reflected back to her in Koga's eyes. He loves me. He stayed with us because he loves me. And I…I left him always for Inuyasha. Just...just like Inuyasha always left me for Kikyou. Oh, Gods, what sort of sickness is this? Love is not meant to make us so…alone.
Suddenly cold, she shivered, wrapping her arms tightly to her chest. Glancing at him again, she found him still watching her warily. She dropped her gaze to the forest floor.
"Koga?" She whispered, without looking up.
"Yeah?" He sounded unsure, cautious.
"Could you…," she blushed furiously. "…could you just…hold me…for a little while?" She shifted, raising her eyes to his.
"Sure, Kagome. Come here." He smiled softly, opening his arms to pull her against him in the grass, settling her back to his chest, arms draped around her shoulders. No hesitation, no grumpy mumblings about weak humans or silly sentimentality. Just…acceptance—and unconditional warmth. Gods…what a fool am I.
She leaned her head against his chest, craning her head back to look up at him. "Thank you…for coming for me."
He smirked. "You mean it this time? No nasty comments?" Looking down at her, he smiled, softening the jibe. "I…know what it is to be alone, Kagome. I couldn't let you be alone for this." He looked away then, his eyes distant, lost in some memory she had no comprehension of. But his arms tightened around her, and she closed her eyes, sighing.
Without opening her eyes, she questioned him. "How long, Koga?"
He didn't pretend ignorance. She felt his shoulders rise and fall in a shrug. "I don't know…I think maybe when you threw Shippo off the cliff after I stole you from dog-shit. You saved him, stood against my men…" his chest rumbled as he chuckled. "…put me in my place, promised to stand with me against the Birds of Paradise. No other woman, human or demon, has as much spirit as you."
He fumbled for her hands as he held her, threading his fingers with hers. She didn't resist, or voice a protest—it felt just...nice. She closed her hands, tightening the larger hands around her own. He sighed contentedly against her back and dropped his chin to the crook of her shoulder, rubbing his thumb lightly against hers as he, too, watched their entwined hands.
"Should I hold out hope?" His voice was low, tentative—and hopeful.
Her breath hitched, and she stiffened for a moment, only to relax against him once more. "Koga…I..."
Her voice trailed off as he loosened his fingers from hers; trailing both hands up her arms, touching her softly. One briefly left her skin to brush aside her thick hair, allowing him access to her neck before dropping to rest on her shoulder. He leaned into her, his breath heavy on the skin of her neck. "Kagome…you know I love you." He had never been shy. Of course she knew.
His mouth hovered above her skin; he could feel the warmth of her blood leap to meet his touch. She blushed, her heart pounding heavily.
"Yes…I know." Her hands found one another before her, twisting tightly, tensely.
He dropped a soft, tender kiss to the junction of her neck and shoulder. "Look at me, Kagome."
Somehow entranced by his voice, or perhaps his touch, she twisted, turned until she was facing him again. He brushed her hair back from her shoulder.
"Koga…I..." She blushed, looking down again at the ground. He tilted her face back up to meet his eyes.
"Do you love him still, Kagome?" He held her chin firmly now, not allowing her the safety of evasion.
"I…it's still too new, Koga...I…yes." She met his bright eyes boldly, telling him the truth. "I do. I can't just….turn it off."
He chuckled, releasing her chin and brushing the knuckles of one hand tenderly against her cheek. "I would be disappointed, indeed, if you turned from him so quickly. You are too loyal for that."
Blushing still, she looked up to see his eyes change, their brightness replaced by a cool languor, intense as ever, but focused. The hand caressing her face dropped to her neck, tracing the line of her throat to her collarbone with a feather-light fingernail. She shivered involuntarily, and he raised one eyebrow appraisingly.
"Loyal, yes…but perhaps…just maybe…" She watched in horrified fascination as he leaned forward, capturing her lips with his, the wandering hand brought up to cup her face gently. She'd never been kissed, not like this. Her first kiss, given in innocence and danger to Inuyasha had been nothing like this; warm and gentle, honest, open and knowing.
Part of her cried out against it, horrified at the betrayal to Inuyasha, to he who held her heart. Then the realistic, immediate part of her reminded the other of Inuyasha's choice, and her eyes fluttered closed, her hand dropping lightly on Koga's arm. She felt him smile against her lips.
Then he broke from the kiss and pulled away.
Dazed, she could only watch him as he stood, brushing leaves and twigs from his legs. "Koga…what…?" She touched her lips, confused.
He held out a hand to her, inviting her to take it, to rise. "Come on, Kagome. Sango will be worried; we've been gone too long." He continued to hold out his hand and she took it, rising, only to be pulled into a strong embrace. She leaned her forehead against the cured leather of his cuirass as he hugged her tightly.
Releasing her, he held her at arms length, catching her eyes with his once again. This time they were shining. "That…might have been the best moment of my life." He winked at her as she blushed again, prompting a laugh from him. "Ahh...Kagome."
Annoyed, she stepped away from him, swiping a mock-punch at his chest. "If you're finished with teasing me, Koga, we should get back to Sango and Miroku." She glared at him as he laughed again, but let him take hold of her hand. He brought their joined hands to his chest, as he had done so many times in the past. But this time, she didn't look around for Inuyasha, wasn't hopeful of intervention. This time, she simply watched him.
He grinned.
"I'm done teasing you, dear Kagome. But know this," he dropped a quick, chaste kiss to her knuckles, "I don't intend to let you go, but nor do I want you kissing me with images of him in your head." He held her eyes intently. "In fact, I don't think I'll kiss you again until you ask for it. That way I know you want me for me, not as a replacement puppy."
She all but hissed at him. He tossed his hair, laughing again as he turned and started back towards their shared camp.
She watched him thoughtfully, her fingers brushing against her lips for a moment before she shook herself and rushed to catch up to him.
Despite how he chased her, he had never understood her. Not really. And truth to tell, he still didn't—not even after all of the weeks since Inuyasha had finally made her understand his decision. She intrigued him, baffled him, and honestly took him to the brink of anger and back without ever realizing it. And now, even now, it seemed as if there was always something she was holding back…something that she feared. Every now and again, he'd ask a question and she would stiffen, clam up, or change the subject. It was annoying. Like so much else. And yet….
First of all, occasionally she snored. Not even a true, log-sawing snore, but a quiet, breathy whisper that kept him awake and distracted. And she was loud—good Gods but she was loud. His ears were just as sensitive as Inuyasha's, and he couldn't figure out how the hanyou had managed to have so many shouting matches with the woman—they hurt.
She was stubborn, bullheaded and could give an ass lessons in obstinacy. But enough about Inuyasha.
Koga chuckled quietly to himself, privately amused at his own wit. She looked up from her book and smiled uncertainly at him, tilting her head just so…looking so much like one of his own befuddled wolves that he had to laugh. Shaking his head at her glare, he stood, circling the fire to flop down beside her.
"What are you laughing about, wolf-boy?" She huffed, sparing him another quick glare before pushing her unruly hair back behind her ear and turning back to her book. But it was obvious she wasn't really reading. Her finger had been tapping the same page for roughly an hour while she stared off into oblivion, lost in her own thoughts.
"Just keeping myself entertained, since you seem disinclined to do so." He poked her hard in the shoulder. "Entertain me, woman. I'm bored."
She made a disgusted noise. "What do I look like? Your own personal circus?" She snapped the book closed and scowled at him, shoving it roughly into her bag.
He smirked. Opened his mouth. Snapped it shut again, deciding discretion was the better part of valor.
"All right, then. Tell me what has you so preoccupied. You've been somewhere else all day—you could at least tell me what is more important than keeping me company."
She snorted, then bent to worry at the scarf that tied her blouse. Biting her bottom lip, she contemplated her shirt for a few moments before finally heaving a great sigh and turning to face him. For some reason that simple act unnerved him, the hair on his arms standing at attention as if in instinctual warning. He tensed, expecting the worst, especially after she met his eyes.
"Koga," she said seriously. "It's time for me to go home."
He blinked, releasing the breath he'd been holding. Dumbfounded, he said, "That's…It's..." Shrugging, he just nodded. "All right, then."
It was apparently her turn to blink, as her lashes rose and fell a few times before she seemed to take hold of herself with a shake. "No. No, Koga, you don't understand."
He raised an eloquent eyebrow. "We're not that far from your village, Kagome. In fact, we left there not too long ago." He placed a warm hand on her forehead. "Don't you remember?" They hadn't been in a fight for a few days, so he didn't think she was injured…could she possibly be sick?
She swatted at his hand irritably, mumbling. "This is silly." She evaded his hands again with another well-placed swat, and continued, louder, "No, stop it, Koga." She stood in a rush turning her back on him and pacing across to the other side of their small campfire. He watched her, bemused, as she paced, wringing her hands and mumbling to herself.
Turning, she met his eyes again. "Koga…there's something I need to tell you."
He leaned back on his hands, stretching his legs out towards the fire. He eyed her curiously, before patting the ground next to him that she had just vacated. "All right, Kagome, but come over here and tell me. There's no need for you to be afraid of me."
She rolled her eyes, but still held back, wary. "It's not that I'm afraid of you. Because I'm not," she said emphatically. "I just don't think you'll….believe me."
He reached out a hand to her, beckoning her closer. "I promise I'll believe you, Kagome."
She tossed up her hands. "Oh, that's easy for you to say now, but when I'm done you'll be packing me off to," at a loss, she just waved a hand, "…well...to wherever this time puts crazy people."
He almost laughed. Almost. "Kagome, I'm traveling with a human, who was in love with a half-dog mutt." He was gratified to see that she at least blushed at the reminder. "We're looking for a maniacal hanyou who seeks to throw the world into evil and darkness by using a jewel that contains the souls of a human and a youkai." He was even happier to hear her half-giggle and gave her a deadpan look. "I honestly doubt that anything you tell me will be too crazy. Goodness sakes, woman. I'm a demon."
She didn't look convinced, but did begin to edge her way around the circle of the fire until she bent to sit near him—but not as near as she had been. Drawing her legs up to her chest, she bent her head down to rest on her knees with a sigh.
He watched her, amused by her recalcitrance and at the same time disturbed by her lack of confidence. He had witnessed her internal battles many times, and they never ceased to both appall and amaze him. Such a lesson in contradictions, she was—so very unlike every other woman he'd known. We're well suited then.
Tired of watching her stare into the fire, he rolled over, intent on sleep. "If you're not going to tell me, then I'm going to sleep. We'll go back to your village tomorrow."
He heard her shuffle over to the other side of the fire, where her sleeping bag lay. "Yes. That's perfect. I'll just show you."
He only wondered what she meant by that for a moment before sleep took him.
"What the hell is this?" He motioned irritably at the well. "This is what you've been all worked up about?" Peering inside he snorted, disgusted. "It's even dry."
She eyed him, tossing her bag down and collapsing against the cool wood of the well frame. "Shut up, Koga. Sit down." She patted the grass beside her in invitation, as he had done the night before.
She took a deep breath, gathering herself. How to do this…how do you tell someone you're from a different world, a different time? Kaede took it gracefully, but Koga... She watched him as he dropped onto the grass beside him, crossed his arms over his chest and turned to her.
"All right, so spill it."
"Don't be rude, I'm getting to it. Sheesh, what I wouldn't give for another rosary."
"I heard that."
"You were meant to."
He barked a laugh and grinned unrepentantly at her. "Remember what I said? Spirit!" His grin slowly faded, and he reached for her hand, a gesture that had become commonplace the last few weeks. He was gratified to see that she didn't hesitate putting her hand into his, threading her fingers with his own. "Now, since you have all that spirit," he said, "tell me what it is that's bothering you and what the hell a dry well has to do with it." He smirked. "'Cause frankly…I'm not seeing a connection."
She gave his fingers a squeeze even as she breathed an exasperated sigh. "All right, but you have to listen to me, until I'm done, before you say anything." Eyeing him speculatively, she said, "Promise?"
Nodding solemnly, he answered, "I promise."
She took a deep breath and began. "Well, on my fifteenth birthday…"
It seemed like ages. A detached part of him laughed ironically. It has been ages. When she finally finished, silence reigned. She stared at the ground, while he stared at her, neither willing to look the other in the eye.
"Show me."
Startled, she snapped her head up and met his eyes. "What…now?"
He stood, pulling her to her feet and eyeing the well warily. It didn't look like a magic well, a portal to five hundred years into the future. It just looked like an ordinary well. "You said last night you'd show me. So show me."
She pulled her hand from his grasp and rounded on him, glaring balefully. "You don't believe me."
He searched her eyes. "No. I believe you." Shifting his gaze, he looked again at the well. "But I want to see."
"Oh, fine." She stalked over and pulled herself up to the rim of the well, readying herself for the leap. Before she could jump, a hand clamped down on her wrist.
"Kagome…wait." Turning back to him, she tugged slightly on her wrist, trying to free herself.
"Koga, you said you wanted to see. So let me go."
"Will it…does it always work?" He sounded cautious, his voice carrying a hint of uncertainty that was uncharacteristic.
She rolled her eyes. "Yes, it always…" she stopped, seeing the look in his eyes, the uncertainty in his voice finally registering. She clasped the wrist of the hand that still held her, meeting his gaze so he could see the honesty in her answer. "Yes, Koga. It always works."
He nodded once, showing that he'd heard her, but it took a moment for him to reluctantly release her. His voice was low, quiet. "Show me, then."
With a final, penetrating look, she turned again to the well, gathered herself and leapt, the blue haze of the timeslip enveloping her.
He thought he might go mad. The instant the bluish glow surrounded her, his heart leapt into a panic that had yet to recede. She was gone, gone as if she had never been. His terrified mind gibbered, his heart raced, and he could do nothing more than slump over the side of the well, frantically watching it for signs of her return. It was torture—and he'd brought it on himself.
In minutes, hours, days - Gods, I am mad - the glow reappeared, blinding him momentarily. Blinking, hopeful, he stared down into the well, searching. Oh, thank the Gods…
She was there. Smiling up at him, one hand on her hip and the other reaching out to him. "Koga…"
Gasping, he leapt from his seat, down into the well, snatching her up and out. He didn't stop until he was a good distance from the well, putting her down but not releasing her from his arms.
She laughed, deep and throaty against his chest, snaking her arms around his waist and hugging him. "Silly wolf. Did you think I wouldn't come back?"
"Kagome…Gods…I..," shaking himself, he gave up on words and took her mouth in a kiss; a bruising, desperate caress that surprised her with its intensity—and surprised herself with her response to him. He held her tightly, as if afraid to let her go, afraid she'd disappear again, giving her every indication that he had, indeed, not believed she would return. It was, perhaps, a good thing that he was holding her, as she wasn't sure she could have stood on her own anyway.
She did not shy away, did not try to fight him. Her hands clutched at his waist, before beginning a slow, arduous journey over the planes of his chest before twining around his neck. She pulled away from his lips, gasping, drawing her hand up to cup his face as he bent his forehead to hers, her thumb idly brushing the skin of his cheek.
"Koga…I'm here, I came back." She soothed him, voice and caress, disturbed by his fear, and yet…and yet. He dropped his chin to the crook of her shoulder, nuzzling the skin of her neck, and she trembled, closing her eyes.
He mumbled her name against her skin like a prayer, a benediction. "Kagome..." Her hair shrouded his face, a silken curtain of darkness that enveloped him, surrounding him with her sweet scent. His hands reached to touch, threading his fingers through her hair and gently easing her head back, exposing the ridges of her neckline to his lips.
When her body molded to his, he forgot. Forgot that she was young, forgot that she was newly heartbroken, forgot entirely that she was supposed to ask for this.
What he remembered was that he had watched her go…again. But this time, she had returned to him, his sylph of time.
To him. And now he would not let her go.
For that afternoon, he traced every line of her, memorized every curve, every detail, every sigh and every beat of her heart.
Remember. Remember the sounds of her pleasure.
Remember. Remember the feel of her touch, of her heat, of her delicious scent.
Remember. Remember how she breathed his name…his name… not the other.
Remember. Remember how she had laughed, tickled by his tail, and pulled her fingers through his hair.
Remember.
Remember.