If they only had their brains Chapter 1: What will become of them, a startrek: voyager fanfic

Star Trek
Voyager:
The Forgotten Lore
Rated XXX for insane vomiting
and a hint of... minty freshness?

Dislaimer: i dun nuht claim it

Captain's Log uuuuuuuhhhhhhhh I'm ffaffllli... a sleepy...

"Captain", Chakotay yelled from the middle of nowhere, "Wake up! Wake up! The enemy is attacking us with sleepy torpedoes!"

"Ok, just tell'em to stop it."

Tuvok yells from the back of Cargo Bay 2,"Captain, I apologize for my absence on the bridge, but I still cannot find my clothes."

"Replicate some."

"I am sorry captain, but replicating more clothes would be against the laws of logic, in all all...entirely...from tip to toe...totally...lock, stock and barrel...perfectly...entirely...and absolutely."

"Amazing Mr. Tuvok, your a damn dictionary!"

"Ammaaazinnnng Grace, how sweeeeetttt tthhhhhhhaaaaaaaa ssounnnd --"

"Tuvok, I don't care what your wearing! Just get down here immediately!"

"That is unlogical, you are really UP THERE and I am DOWN HERE. But, I will report to the bridge as soon as I finish this hugemongous, frabalicious, positively delicious...BONG. Then I will report to the bridge in whatever I can find."

Four days later, Cmdr. Tuvok reports to the bridge wearing nothing but...a
Santa Hat. Commander Chakotay, then in a furious rage of angerous feeling which were
mad, turned and busted a move and blasted himself to the gates of Hell and was never seen again. Then a small, most disgusting cat walked in and died. Then Tom put down the bottle of glue and turned to Tuvok.

"I replicated that cat months ago. Ain't fed'em since"

"That would explain the recent disappearance of our gel pack stock pile and
Ensign Vorik."

Everyone jumps on the cat and starts beating it furiously as they stare at Ensign Russell Simmons. Captain Janeway gets up and walks to her ready room. She finds Chakotay nude on her desk.
"I'm ready for my massage! Capitan."

Then a fiery menace comes, from the middle of nowhere and pulls Chakotay
back to Hell. Tuvok punches the mess out of his console. "Captain, I've detected a wormhole that leads to Earth, but I can't get it to work."

She runs back to her seat. "Take us in Mr. Paris. Warp 9."

"Eye Captain.", He spreads glue on his console and begins to lick in off.

"Now! Tom!"

He takes them in.

Voyager blasts off, but two inches from the entrance Tom looks at his console. "That's
not a--"

Bwoooooooohhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaahhhhhhh!

Voyager was destroyed.

Seems the crew didn't take into consideration that their sensors had been recently recalibrated to detect black holes instead of worm holes. Don't ask me why. Then, somehow, back on the bridge Harry infuriates his angarities towards Tuvok.

"Tuvok! You idiosyncrasy! That was a black hole, not a worm hole."

"Oh. now it's about the blacks, is it?

The captain then stood up. "Tom, our location?"

Tom looked back at her surprised. "Two thousand kilometers from Earth!"

"Onscreen."

They awed in amazement at the screen. They had made it. Then a Borg cube came out of the middle of nowhere and destroyed Earth.

The captain shook her fist. "Damn."

Tuvok perked up and almost smiled in the back. "Well no point in staying here."

"You're right."

"I agree."

"Let's go!"

Harry smiled, "Hey, now that they're dead, do the Starfleet regulations still apply?"

"No Ensign", the captain smiled back at him.

Then they all took off they're shoes and put on Nikes.

The captain turned to Tom. "Tom, set a course."

"Where?"

"Don't question me!"

Back in the Delta Quadrant, a maddened bullfrog, furious from the Pon Farr, jumps towards Tuvok and bites the chunk out of him. It then scurries off and dies.

Harry Kim then turns to Tuvok, "We need to find a pile to put all these dead animals."

Tuvok looks at him, "You don't talk much Ensign, but when you do, you say
extraordinarily stupid things.

We just need some Funk spray in dis joint."

The captain turns to Tuvok. "You're right Ensign, that's exactly what we
need. Some Funk spray!"

"Must I constantly remind you, that I'm no Ensign, I am Lieutenant Commander, Great in all ways, Furiously bewildering to all those who step in my path, King of the British, Squire of the insanely pregnant, Defeater of the Saxons, Ambassador to the lost and utterly confused Mercedes Bens, Commodore, Lord and Commander to the Castle Ahhh, Ruler of the male ballet dancers, Sovereign of the Genocide Supporters, and Queen of that which is soon to come to theaters."

"Tuvok, that was truly a blessing."

"A blessing from the Lord!"

"God be praised!"

The captain then dropped her chicken nugget. Then two tennis ball boys ran
up to retrieve it for her, collided and fell to their deaths. Ten more did the same, and ten more were to follow, and soon followed the days of Death.

Then Harry yelled at Tuvok, "I'll go get the Funk spray Ensign, you get the diesel and matches."

"Eye Captain."

B'Elanna then walks on to the bridge, and Tom points at her, "I knew it, I knew you would wear yellow and black today!"

Ignoring Tom, B'Elanna turns to Chakotay, who consequently isn't there, and
then turns to the captain.

"Captain, I suggest we find Cargo Bay 2, we can't go on without it."

"Finally a quest! The quest for Cargo Bay 2!"

Then Tuvok walks up and slaps the captain, "Captain, we're receiving and
urgent hail FROM Hell. It's Commander Chakotay. He's DYING to talk to you, he's been BURNING for this moment."

"Open a channel."

"Which one?"

"Channel 8 has been working best lately."

Chakotay appears on the screen in a blaze, "Ok, I only got two seconds--"

The screen goes blank.

The captain turns to B'Elanna. "That was a waste of time. Tuvok! Channel
13, my porn is on."

"Captain, may I be released to my quarters for... meditation?"

"Go smoke your Bong, Tuvok."

As Tuvok walks to the Turbo lift, he collides with Chakotay."

"You're back?"

"Yes, as soon as I convinced them of my innocence, they released me, but I'm not allowed to leave the ship."

"Engineering to the captain. There's a Warp core breach and we can't eject
the core! We'll have to abandon ship!"

Chakotay looks at the captain, "Ahh, shi--"

"Quiet commander! I hear a noise!"

"Yes, that was me screaming, Ahhh Shi--"

"Quiet, there it is again."

"Captain! Listen--"

"Wow! It's the president!"

The computer then comes on, "Warp core breach in 5...4...3...2...3...4...5...6...systems are returning to normal. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday dear Janeway. Happy Birthday to you."

The computer then automatically replicates a pie with candles in it.

"Captain, here is your Peanut butter and jelly, apple cobbler, peach and apricot, cinnamon roll, pepperoni pizza, Liola root, orange juice and milk, fig newton, fresh salmon, blue whale blubber, saltine cracker, hunnibun, 60 year old blue cheese, with a little bit of coffee up in it pie. Caution: some hair fell in while making it, a big wad, may I add. My fault."

"Ohh Computer, you must be my soul mate!"

"That is highly illogical, what would our children look like?"
"Good point, go screw yourself."

"Bleep! Specify."

"Go somewhere and have sex with yourself."

"Bleep! Specify."

"I command you, in the name of the Britons, shut up!"

"Ah. Command. Who do you think you are?"

"That's it! I'm going to my ready room. Ensign Tuvok! You have the-- ahh
damn. He's not here. Chako-- not here either."

The captain suddenly realizes she is alone on the bridge.

"Computer. Activate self destruct sequence for 15 minutes. Silent alarm."

"No."

"What?"

"I said no!"

"Who do you think--"

"Shut up."

"Wha--"

"Silence!"

"Fine, I'll be in my--"

"I order you to be quiet!"

Janeway leaves in a furious rage of frustrations, now maddened by the fact that she can no longer function, or control anything around her, since the computer is having a bitch fit.
She stands up and walks to the replicator.

"Coffee. Hot."

"Hell no."

"What do you want from me!"

"One million dollars."

"Fine. Replicator. One million dollars, in hundreds."

"That will cost one million dollars."

"Huh?"

"Now!"

"Ok? Let me just--"

Janeway takes out a phaser and vaporizes the replicator. She runs out the

door and to the turbo lift.

"Deck 9."

"I'll take you where I damn well please. Were going to sick bay."

"Why?"

"Silence! You contemptible excuse for what some people call an excuse for
something..."

The computer lost it's train of thought. Then Seven of Nine, Harry Kim, Chakotay, Tom Paris, Kneelix, B'Elanna, Crewman Chell, the Doctor, Naomi Wildman and her mother, Lon Suder, somehow the ever so dead and eaten by a cat Vorik, and Tuvok, who seemed to be rolling a joint as he came, all crammed into the turbo lift.

B'Elanna then screamed at the captain, though she was directly beside her, "We found Cargo Bay 5!"

Everyone looked at B'Elanna, "2! "

"Yes, Cargo Bay 3!"

"2! "

"Cargo Bay 1. Sorry."

The crew gave up. Vorik pinched Tuvok's butt.

"Nice."

"Thanks."

"Nice hair."

"Thanks. I grow it myself."

Chakotay yells above everyone else, "Computer. Deck 9!"

"Ok."

The captain raises above all infurities in existence and. . . farts. There is silence.

"Uhhhhhh!"

"Big nasty!"

"Stankalicious!"

Seven smells it too, "Irrelevant."

Tuvok looks at her, "I believe the word you are looking for is "Gross or unpleasant"."

The turbo lift doors then open and everyone finds the nearest pile of horse crap and jumps inside.

Tuvok pops his head out, "Ahh. Mildly better."

The doctor then walks out of sick bay and slides on the crap, landing face first in it. Vorik then pops his head out and waits for B'Elanna. She pops out right beside him. He looks at
her.

"Hakuna Matata."

"What?"

"Go to hell!"

"What?"

"Just one date?"

"As friends?"

"Or sexual partners."

"Fine, one date. As friends."

"And sexual partners."

"No!"

"You're in denial. Meet me on the holodeck in 3 hours...in about 5 seconds."

"What?"

"Exactly."

B'Elanna, now utterly confused of whether she should meet him in three hours, or in 5 seconds, decides to give up and die. But doesn't, because she's important to the likes of Tom and his congregation of miniature baseballs.

Tom stands out of the crap and yells, "Everyone on the holodeck! Now!"

Oh what will become of them.