If they only had their brains Chapter 3: Most Logical, a startrek: voyager fanfic

Janeway then stands about the messhall, ignoring the fact that Seven has her hand placed firmly about her butt, and searches for some contemptible way to do nothing, and in return, does nothing, pleasing herself with nothingness, and becoming satisfied with the nothingness that is going on.

Tuvok then approaches and spoils her nothingness, "Captain, must I constantly remind you that this is a children's film."

"What?"

"Sorry Captain, but I am The Queen of that which is to come to Theaters. I must say that at least twiced a day."

The captain then... farts...once more...in the most loud and dangerous sort of way, but having no smell. Tuvok then raises the most raisy eyebrow hehad ever risen before and spake.

"Interesting, I will note that in my personal logs."

Kneelix then carousels around the room carrying a large platter of live cats. Harry perks up, "I'll take one."

"How about three Lieutenant!"

"I'm Ensign. And I'm right here, you don't have to scream."

"Sorry, what breed cat do you want?"

"Siamese?"

"Go to Hell!"

Kneelix then runs away, instantly naked. Harry wonders why the are acting so, and begins to chew on his cat. Seven of Nine then approaches him, spoiling his meal.

"Sex, Ensign?"

"Yes."

They go fornicate. Chakotay becomes insanely jealous and rapes the captain, in front of everyone...but mentally, not really touching her, with his clothes on, without her knowing, in a most secretive way, in a devious manner, with the knowledge of no one corrupting his daydream. Tuvok looks at him.

"I saw that!"

"What?"

"Just kidding."

"No really, did you see something?"

"What?"

"Shut up!"

"I really saw it!"

"No you didn't."

"You're right, I was just kidding."

"No you weren't."

"Ok, I saw it."

Tom walks up.
"Saw what?"

Tuvok gets most pointy, "I order you, as King of the Britons, to shut up!"

"Fine, but your hat's leaking."

"That bitch."

Everyone watches as little leaves and rolled joints fall on the ground. Tuvok searches for something to do about it, and simply lights a joint and begins to smoke it. He becomes instantly proud of himself.

"Most logical."

He then looks at Harry, back from the Crusades, and becomes very proud of
him, "Stay in school my boy, stay in school."

"Eye captain."

Vorik then walks up, joint in hand, and smokes most logically. Everyone avoids that corner of the room. Vorik begins the "most logical" conversation.

"Most logical."

"Highly illogical."

"What?"

"Bitch!"

And so continued the bitch fight. Most logical. Everyone gives them a few more feet of space. Vorik then breaks up his own bitch fight.

"Most logical."

"Yes."

The captain walks up, "Hello."

They slap her to the ground. Tuvok becomes proud of himself.

"We are most logical."

"Yes, in a highly logical way."

"With logic all up in it."

"Yes, all up in that bitch."

Seven of Nine walks up with her bong and smokes with them. She looks at Tuvok's joint.

"Most Irrelevant."

"Yes, most Irrelevant."

Vorik looks at her, "Seven, it would be most logical for you to remove your clothing at this point."

"I just finished getting dressed."

Vorik having forgot what he was talking about, spake, "Most logical."

Tuvok looked across the room and then didn't.

"Most logical."

"Irrelevant."

"Most logical!"

"Irrelevant!"

Those two should never mix. They obviously have completely different views on things. Then, out of nowhere, and yet somewhere, appeared a canopy bed, where Kneelix and the doctor lay spooning.

Tuvok looked at them.

"Most spooniest."

"Most spookiest."

"Most Spongiest!"

"Get that bitch!"

Everyone jumps on the doctor and Kneelix and "Got that bitch." Once the bitch was gotten, they resumed partying. Oh, but suddenly, the ship shook.

A great shake may I add, and the computer spake, saying words, "Vessel off port bow. Bow wow wow, yippi yo yippi yay. All hands to battle stations."

All their hands flew to their battle stations. On the bridge everyone was at their stations, and at their stations they were.

Janeway turn to Kim, "Hail them."

"Channel Open."

The screen blinks and a small pitiful man with big sad eyes looked at the captain.

"I only want to be friends!"

Janeway turned to Tuvok.

"Ensign, target their vessel with 10 photon torpedoes. Fire at will!"

Tuvok simply lights a joint, and smokes silently.

Janeway looks at him, "Ensign!"

Her ignores her and continues to smoke.

"Ensign!"

Harry looks at the captain, but does not turn to her, for he can only turn to Tuvok.

"He refuses to speak to you unless you call him Lieutenant Commander, Great in all ways, Furiously bewildering to all those who step in his path, King of the British, Squire of the insanely pregnant, Defeater of the Saxons, Ambassador to the lost and utterly confused Mercedes Bens, Commodore, Lord and Commander to the Castle Ahhh, Ruler of the male ballet dancers, Sovereign of the Genocide Supporters, and Queen of that which is soon to come to theaters."

"Fine. Lieutenant Commander, Great in all ways, Furiously bewildering to all those who step in your path, King of the British, Squire of the insanely pregnant, Defeater of the Saxons, Ambassador to the lost and utterly confused Mercedes Bens, Commodore, Lord and Commander to the Castle Ahhh, Ruler of the male ballet dancers, Sovereign of the Genocide Supporters, and Queen of that which is soon to come to theaters. Target their vessel with 10 photon torpedoes. Fire at will!"

"Eye sir."

The small insignificant, slight, diminutive, unthreatening, minute, sad, defenseless vessel, having only the will and want to be friends, was destroyed, and there was much rejoicing. Then the doctor walked on the bridge, blinged out and pimpin'. His jeans was saggin' and his hat tilt to da side.

"What's up my niggas?"

Tuvok went into killing mode. Nobody messes wit da niggas, but being to tired to really do much, lit another joint and turned to the doctor.

"Go back to ya crib, bitch!"

"What's up Big T, ain't seen ya in a while my nigga."

Tuvok simply handed him a joint. He was great in the ways of pimpin' and Tuvok could not deny that. He had to accept that this white bitch could be a brotha.

"You white biotch! I ain't knowed you could get down likes dat."

The doctor smoked dat joint, and they was much rejoicin'. Suddenly, everyone's attention was drawn to the captain. She was furiously doing jumping jacks, and simply wouldn't stop. Tom looked at her, even more furiously then he had been looking before.

"She simply won't stop."

The doctor looked at her, "Kill dat bitch!"

Tuvok turned to the doctor.

"I believe you are taking this "pimp" thing too far."

The Doc pimp slaps him to the wall. Tuvok's joint flies from his hand and lands on Chakotay, instantly catching him on fire.

Chakotay grins, "Tis' but a fleshwound."

Tuvok stands up and rips off the doctor's mobile emitter. Nothing happens.

"This is the part where you disappear into cybernetic oblivion."

"Oh. Ok."

The doctor disappears.

Chakotay walks up to Tuvok, burning insanely, and places a fiery hand on his shoulder.

"Good job, Tuvok. This calls for a promotion."

"Promotion? I am beyond promotion!"

"I'm promoting you to Ensign!"

"Crewman!"

"Fine. Crewman."

Chakotay covers Tuvok's naked body with rank pips, so no part of him can be seen.

Seven of Nine walks in and sees Tuvok, "Most Irrelevant."

Chakotay looks at her, "Hoe."

"Hey, what I do for a living is nobody else's business."

"You slept with Harry in Jeferies Tube 39 Beta! Then you came straight out and did Kneelix in the messhall!"

Tuvok looked at her.

"Yes. You do seem to be doing more people than is required to "make a living"."

"Not at all! Harry's my landlord, Kneelix feeds me and the captain's my babysitter!"

"We didn't say anything about the captain."

"Oh... Irrelevant!"

"I bet you'll say irrelevant when we lock you up in the brige!"

They lock her up in the brige.

Seven looks at them, "Irrelevant!"

Tuvok and Chakotay go to Engineering where they find B'Elanna, Tom, and Vorik sleeping on the main engineering console. All of them, somehow, piled up on top of it. Most illogical. Vorik then awakens, joint still in mouth, squeezes himself out from underneath Tom and B'Elanna, and walks up to them.

Chakotay looks a him, "What are you all doing asleep on that console?"

"Well Commander, I was working there, when B'Elanna and Tom attacked me, and then we all just fell asleep."

Tuvok then picks up the largest rock he can find, which is conveniently right by his foot, and throws it at the warp core. It ricochets of and smashes into Chakotay's head.

"He was really getting on my nerves."

"Tell me about it!"

"Or, we could just smoke about it."

They both light up a fresh joint and begin to smoke. There is a long period of silence as they smoke.

"So what would you really do for a Klondike bar?"

So what is Tuvok really willing to do for a Klondike bar?