Tuvok and Vorik put down the joints for a moment. They had been smoking for three days solid and they were beginning to get lethargic, which was a state of mind a Vulcan should never have to face.
"Face? Who said face? Damnit!", Tuvok was most lethargic.
"I have an idear", Vorik squats to take a small crap.
"What is that, my fine boy?", Tuvok begins to piss all over the warp core, to pass the time.
"The Klondikes originated in south somewhere right?"
"Precisely.", Tuvok stops peeing, having no idea what Vorik just said.
"Then pillows we must! All the pillows in the world. Who has the most pillows?" Vorik stands, only to realize that he has just taken a crap with his pants on.
"Kneelix! All those damn pillows! Every time we go into grey mode, he races to the messhall with as many pillows as he possibly can. Buckets and buckets of pillows.", Tuvok turns scarily green.
"Onward", Vorik stampedes out of Engineering."
"La la la la la", Kneelix walks merrily into his quarters. Little does he know Tuvok and Vorik are directly behind him. So close in fact, that they are rubbing big raw patches on his legs. Dumb Talaxians. With a thud Kneelix dies, and Tuvok and Vorik scramble to gather the hundreds of thousands of neck pillows.
"We must sacrifice the ankle pillows. They are much too nicey.", Tuvok backs a dump truck into the doors of Kneelix's quarters.
"What are you doing?", we've already taken all the pillows to sick bay.
"To sick bay it is!"
Tuvok and Vorik enter sick bay to find a nicely set up hair salon. Janeway stands in her suit of amour, waiting on customers.
"Capatin, who are you?", Tuvok slaps her ever so notreallyslappingherly.
"Sit down Mr. Vulcan. Have a hair cut!"
"Nice! I shall do so very fervently. A moment.", Tuvok walks to the hypospray tray and fills each tube with hydrochloric acid.
Vorik appraoches the captain, "Captain. My hair is quite disgustingly, revoltingly, repugnantly, appallingly hideous. Perhaps you could lend a hand."
Kathryn raises a brazen sword and swiftly removes Vorik's head, "That should do it."
Naomi Wildman walks in, "Captain I'm done with my report on the-
Tuvok grabs Naomi by the left toe, the only toe in fact, and drags her pissing and screaming to the bridge.
"Commander. Do you have any scotch tape?"
Chakotay gets furious, "Why the hell would you think I'd have SCOTCH tape. I'm not Scottish."
Tuvok, "Much haste commander, I am on a mission."
Chakotay throws him a 2 ton sack of assorted tapes, mostly scotch.
"Your a bitch. Commander Sir. But you have great taste."
Tuvok with no effort at all, and when I say no effort I mean absolutely NO EFFORT, swings Naomi to the ceiling and using a 1 inch piece of scotch, secures her body, most permanently, I might add, to the very ugly bulkheads hanging from the ceiling.
"A classic!", Chakotay grins.
"Sir?", Tuvok seeming to have entangled himself with Naomi, shouts from above.
"Oh nothing. This chilly just tastes like my mother.", Chakotay chugs down a huge gallon of chilly and pulls something long out of his mouth, "Oh look! A toe! Come on down to Wendy's, Tuvok! We're open late."
Tuvok looks down at him, "Most logical. If it don't taste like soul food, putchya foot in it!", Tuvok lands with a thud into a boiling pot of chilly. Why a thud? I do not know.
Lon Suder walks onto the bridge, "Mr. Tuvok. I have an itch to scratch with you."
Tuvok slowly gets out of the boiling pot of chilly, his skin melting off, "That's what you said to the crewman you killed. Only you said "I have a bone to pick with you", and you lodged a coil spanner in his brain. The brain is not a bone Suder. You must learn the ways of logic! Report to Holodeck 1 immediately."
"Eye Sir.", Suder returns to the turbolift, only to show the entire bridge crew that he is secretly wearing buttless chaps. Everyone vomits to death.
Chakotay wakes from his death, "How can you secretly wear buttless chaps? It's like trying to replicate a cat."
Tuvok sits up, "You're logic is impeccable."
Vorik walks on the bridge, "Tuvok! Holodeck 1 awaits you sir."
"Ah yes", Tuvok arises from the pile of vomit and the two of them leave for holodeck 1.
In the turbolift Vorik turns to Tuvok, "I caught B'Elanna and Tom procreating."
"What did you do?"
"Simple. I bit his penis off. It took a long time to get that bitch out of my tooth.", Vorik was most logical, "I must apologize to him though. I would not wish to be stripped of my rank."
"You've only got one, what would it matter?"
"So true. But how do I get Ensign Torres to marry me?"
"The most logical course of action would be to give her your credit card."
"Sir?"
"Most logical. It's how I got my wife to marry me."
The two exit the turbolift and enter the holodeck , where Suder is strapped to a chair, naked.
"Sir. I am afraid I do not understand this form of meditation. It is unknown to me", Suder was most distraught.
"The first step in mastering this form of meditation is to not say the same thing twice in a different way. It is a waste of breath.", Tuvok kneels down.
Suder grows nervous, "And the second... Sir?"
Tuvok pulls out a Slipmaster 3,000,000, "The straightening of one's pubic hair. It is an age old meditation technique."
Tuvok slowly begins to straighten one of Suder's pubic hairs. Suder grows furious from pain and breaks through his restraints. He proceeds to killing masses if Klingons.
Vorik looks at Tuvok, "It seems to be having the opposite effect."
Tuvok places a hand over one of Vorik's eyes, "Do you see now?"
"Oh yes. Now it makes all the sense in the world."
Naomi walks into the holodeck.
"Tuvok, a flea!", Vorik almost gags at the sight.
"That is Naomi Wildman. She is a Vulcan.", Tuvok scratches himself.
"Those boring things. All they do it meditate and cry deep inside. She looks like a flea to me, Tuvok. May I kill her?"
"No."
"Ok", Vorik complies by stabbing her with a clock handle until she dies, "Your time is up, Captain!"
"Most cheesy.", Tuvok looks down, "Vorik!"
"Sir!", Vorik looks down as well.
"Your shoes look like hell. What is that red stuff all over them?", Tuvok throws up.
"I'm not sure Sir. Perhaps we should go to the bridge", Vorik pulls the arm out of his pocket and throws it in the trash.
"What was that about?", Tuvok says as they both head for the bridge.
"Hfysfhnfysfyyhfgjnglkjg ;lfkjg;kjhl gnsd;gn ;sodkng;s kdng.dn lbierg ,dmvnbliub!", The captain sits behind closed doors.
"Captain! Your not making any sense", Tom raises an eyebrow of analgesic anal cream.
The Doctor walks up to Tom, most limpingly, carrying the largest rat anyone has ever seen, "Quick Tom! Eat this!"
Tom complies.
The doctor queries him, "I shall note that in your medical logs."
Tom looks at him most begrudgingly, "That was not a query!"
The doctor shouts, "Tom! If you want to live, you must listen to me!"
"I'm listening!"
"You are going to die!", the doctor farts.
"Why! Oh Please! Help me!" Tom runs around screaming.
"You fool! You just ate a big ass rat!", The doctor laughs.
Tom, running in circles, trips on a raisin and lands head first on a giant fish bone, splitting his skull in half. Killing him instantly.
"Oh nevermind", The doctor says, "That's why you were going to die."
The captain enters the messhall where Kneelix is preparing a boiling pot of grease for lunch. As the captain moves closer, Kneelix throws a boiling spoonful of grease on the captain's face, which begins melting off in a most bloody agony.
Kneelix smiles, "How can I help you today, Captain?"
"Ahh! My face! I need a doctor! Doctor!", she screams as the entirety of her face plummets to the ground.
"Oh I'm sorry Captain! I'm fresh out of those. Here, have a nice pudding", Kneelix force feeds the Captain pudding for 16 months until she dies of internal pudding infestation. And there was much rejoicing.
B'Elanna walks in the messhall, looking most peculiar, "Has anyone seen Vorik? I've got a bone to pick with him."
Lon Suder approaches her swiftly, in a most gay manner, from behind, holding a dainty tooth pick, "I was thinking the same thing. He plunges the tooth pick through B'Elanna's left toe, the only toe at that, killing her instantly.
"Ah, finally", Suder contorts, "The last Klingon."
What the hell just happened? Tune in next time.