Disclaimer is in chapter 1.

Xander watched the sorting from the Slytherin table, trying to ignore the sheer weight of the loathing he could feel emanating from Draco as the blond boy sat in his normal position to Xander's left. Daphne had taken a place on his right, for which Xander was grateful cause it meant that he at least had some semi decent conversation as things moved along.

The hat had sent Slytherin it's fair share of the firsties, Xander noted, though most of them seemed a little cowed compared to the exuberant ones that were ricocheting around the Gryffindor table. Xander supposed that there were some good things to being the 'evil' group.

As the sorting was finished, the headmaster looked around and delivered his normal speech, introducing the new defense professor as one Gilderoy Lockhart. Xander frowned, thinking about where he'd heard that name before, then realized that it was the author of many of his new books.

Weird, Xander frowned. School books were standardized, right? A professor couldn't just pick his own books as the ones to teach out of? Maybe the standards had been updated this year, Xander supposed, and Dumbledore had elected to hire the man because his books were considered the new standard.

Still seemed weird. He wondered what Hermione thought about it.

Thinking about the bushy haired girl caused Xander to glance over at the Gryff table just as the headmaster uttered his final words and the tables groaned under the heavy weight of food appearing from nowhere. In that moment Xander's eyes crossed over the Twin's positions and he noticed them both studiously looking anywhere but at the Slytherins.

That brought him up short and he glared at the food in front of them.

"The banquet do anything to you, Harris?" Daphne asked curiously, noting his expression.

Xander hesitated, then drew his wand and glanced around. He spotted a Firstie wearing glasses and reached over Daphne to snag them.

"Hey!"

"Quiet. I'll pass them back in a moment." Xander tapped the glasses with his wand under the table and uttered the charm he used to try and break down potions ingredients, then brought the glasses up and put them on.

The prescription nearly crossed his eyes when he looked through them, and he shook his head. "God, are you part bat? You've got to be blind as one..."

He forced himself to look at the food, though, and noticed that most of it was fine but the meat pie was showing a familiar pattern. He pulled the glasses off and slid them back to the table, catching Draco's hand as he lifted a slice of the pie to his mouth.

"What are you doing?" Draco asked, his expression disgusted as he looked down his nose at Xander. "Unhand me this instant."

"Twins got to the meat pie." Xander hissed, "Pass it on down the line. Don't know what it does, but let's not make fools of ourselves at the first meal of the year."

Draco swallowed, but nodded and set down the slice of pie before turning and whispering the message along as Xander turned to Daphne.

"Pass the word, stay clear of the pie. Weasley twins got into the kitchens."

Daphne paled slightly, but nodded and in a few moments the word had rippled down that side of the table as well. She turned back to him as he helped himself to some potatoes. "How'd you know?"

"Used an ingredients charm on the meat pie."

She blinked, "Did it show you something poisonous?"

Xander looked at her, startled, "Course not. They're pranksters, not assassins. No, the twins use an obscuring method I haven't cracked to protect their recipes."

She frowned, "So how did you know they did anything?"

"Well when the pie wouldn't tell me what was in it, I was pretty sure someone was up to no good." Xander replied dryly, then chuckled at the chagrined look on her face.

While they were talking, a fifth year moved behind them and leaned in. "What's going on?"

Xander explained, and the older kid frowned, "Those charms don't give you specific information, you have to interpret the aura of the magically affected ingredients. Everything on this table was just transported up here magically, you mean to tell me you can tell every possible aura, and its combinations, at a glance like that?"

Xander shook his head, "Of course not. But the twins use an obscuring technique on their jokes, so people can't copy them. I recognize that pattern."

The fifth year shook his head, "I don't want to know."

Xander chuckled, and the meal went on with the Slytherin's carefully avoiding the pie as they ate, while the twins shot confused glares in their direction. Xander snagged a piece of pie before it was banished at the end of the meal, then stole the firsties glasses again when desert appeared. After a careful look around the table he handed the glasses back, canceling the charm, and nodded to everyone.

Slytherin tucked in as the twins glared at them from the Gryff table but apparently they'd only had time to nail the one dish since they had only arrived less than two hours earlier. When the meal ended, the prefects led the first years to the dorms while the rest filtered in on their own. Inside the Slytherin dorms Xander took out the pie and looked around at a few who were watching him expectantly.

"Alright, let's see what the show was supposed to be..." He said, taking a breath before hesitantly taking a big bite of the pie.

For a moment nothing happened, then suddenly Xander's whole body shook and he seemed to inflate like a balloon. In a few seconds he had gone from a fairly average looking sort to the poster boy for Pillsbury. He sighed, looking down at himself as he spat the bite of pie out into the trash.

"Right. I need someone who knows runes and someone who knows arithmancy." Xander said coldly, the tone sounding odd coming from his huge body as he waddled around. "Draco, you know how to get around the school unnoticed after dark, right?"

Malfoy glared at Xander, but remembering that he had kept him from eating the tainted pie nodded grudgingly. "You'll never get into Gryffindor dorms without the password though."

"Who wants into Gryffindor?"

Xander got his volunteers, so the four of them, Xander, a seventh year named Harrow, a sixth year named Jacobs, and Draco snuck out after curfew through a passage Draco swore them to secrecy about.

"How'd you know about that?" Xander asked, grudgingly admiring the knowledge of the blond.

Draco smirked at him, "You would never believe the things I know about Hogwarts."

"Right." Xander rolled his eyes.

The four made their way through the back halls until they reached the great hall.

"Keep watch," Xander hissed to Draco, "If you see *anyone* you come get us. Don't yell, don't run, come get us."

Draco waved at him, "Yes, yes, just hurry up before we lose enough points to sink any hope of the house cup."

Xander nodded and led the other two into the hall. They looked expectantly at the Gryffindor table, but Xander shook his head and lead them straight to the Slytherin table.

"Here," He said softly, drawing his wand and casting the reverse of the identification charm, "This is the plan."

Sometime later the four snuck back into the Slytherin common room, led by Draco with Xander taking up the rear. Once inside, Xander looked at them seriously, "Just remember, act surprised and shocked when it happens."

Harrow nodded jerkily, as pale as a ghost, and Jacobs wasn't much better.

Draco looked at them, then back at Xander, "When what happens? What did you do?"

Xander smirked, "You don't want to know."

Draco started to object, but Harrows shook his head, "You really don't, Malfoy. I wish *I* didn't know. If anyone finds out we did this..."

"They won't." Xander said confidently.

"Did what?" Draco was beginning to become concerned. Not for whatever it was they had done, but for how it might bleed over on him.

"Call it plausible deniability, Draco. Trust me, you do NOT want to be blamed for this one." Xander said with a grin.

Draco looked at the three of them and growled, "Fine. Like I care anyway."

He turned in a huff and stomped off, as the other two looked at Xander with concern.

"I hope you know what you're doing." Harrow said tensely. "If Professor Snape or the Headmaster figure this out... They might just let Filch break out his 'toys' just for us."

Xander nodded, "I know. So just remember, don't let on that you were expecting anything and don't go sneering at the twins either. You'll give the game away."

"Better tell that to Draco," Jacobs sighed.

"If Draco *doesn't* sneer at the twins, that'll give the game away." Xander said, rolling his eyes.

"He's not exactly subtle, is he?" Harrow asked, chuckling.

Xander shook his head, "He's not as cunning as he thinks, that's for sure. And lord knows, his only ambition is to spend his daddies money. You ever get the idea that some people just get dumped in here by default cause no other house would take them?"

Jacobs winced, "That's dangerous talk, Harris. Just a friendly warning, Malfoy may not be subtle, but with the power his family wields he doesn't have to be. You might want to stop pissing him off."

Xander shrugged, "I don't really care, I mean it's not like I have to live around him, you know? I'm an American, and I'm going home sooner or later."

"Just don't expect the rest of us to join you in annoying the bear cub, ok Harris?" Harrow said with a sigh, "We have to live around here."

"No problem." Xander smiled, heading for the stairs to his room. "See you in the morning."

The two shuddered, thinking about breakfast.

"You know, I might sleep in." Harrow said with a shiver.

"Me too."

Xander chuckled evilly, and headed to his room.

The two older students looked at each other after he left and shook their heads.

"You know, I think I'll not gamble against Harris." Harrow said carefully.

"Yeah, tough to play against someone who's willing to risk everything without blinking." Jacobs agreed.

The next morning saw Xander coming into the Hall for breakfast a little early. He knew it was stupid, but there was simply no way he wasn't going to be present when this one went down. He wanted to see the looks on the Twin's faces when everything hit the fan.

Kids were trickling in, and Xander noticed that the twins hadn't arrived yet. He was a little disappointed, really, cause he was pretty sure that they weren't the types to let their gags go off without being around to watch the fireworks either. Xander shrugged it off, remembering that it didn't matter if they didn't pull anything this morning.

Sooner or later they'd try again.

He settled in, this time with the safety goggles he'd used for potions work in his basement resting in his pocket. The hardened acetate goggles were crystal clear, and wouldn't give him a headache like the borrowed prescription lenses had yesterday. He cast the charm on them quietly and scanned the table quickly, but found nothing out of the ordinary so he settled in to eat.

The twins came in a few minutes after he did, and Xander tensed as he watched them.

They didn't look at him as they sat down at Gryffindor table, along with Harry and Ron Xander noted with some relief. He'd known that they would be ok, but it was good to see them up and around. He nodded to Harry, then smiled and waved at Hermione. The twins glared at both Xander and Hermione briefly, but seemed to give it up as pointless a moment later before they both looked over at Xander, smiled sweetly in unison, and waved.

Oh crap, Xander though, his stomach roiling. Did they do what he expected? Or something new? There was nothing he could do about it now, though, other than hope they kept up their barrage.

The professors were settling in now, chatting amiably for the most part as they ate. Xander noticed that Snape seemed to prefer reading the prophet in the morning, but Lockhart was attempting to chat his ear off and the dark professor was visibly restraining himself from cursing his colleague, probably magically as well as verbally.

It happened shortly after that.

There was an audible 'pop', the sound filling the Hall, and Xander instinctively looked over to the twins, who were gleefully looking back at him. He saw their expressions grow puzzled, then both paled as one as their attention twisted away from the Slytherin table.

Xander followed their gaze, biting his cheek as hard as he could when he saw what could only have been Professor McGonagall squawk loudly, feathers fluttering as she bounced around the table in obvious aggravation. The other professors were staring in rampant shock, except for Headmaster Dumbledore who seemed to be shifting between amused surprise and mild annoyance.

The next disruption was at the other end of the faculty table, when Professor Snape suddenly began to gag as his mouth was forced open and his tongue rolled out of his mouth, thumping down onto the table, and rolled to the left across Professor Lockhart's hand as the shocked man froze in mid reach for a platter of hash browns.

That was the signal for pure pandemonium as one professor after another began to change into various colors, forms, and whatever else. Even the headmaster was not immune as his face turned a bright red, then gold, and began to cycle rapidly between the two like some signal light. Students were caught between staring in shock and laughing in hysterical glee. Xander settled for what he hoped was a blank stare of surprise and shock.

Lockhart, one of the only professors unaffected by virtue, Xander thought, of not having had time to eat while chatting to professor Snape, withdrew his wand immediately and began yelling.

"It's alright, I'm here! I know just the counter curse for this, professor Snape, hold still now..."

Snape drew his wand in a flash, but the four foot tongue made a total hash of whatever he was trying to cast, and Lockhart quickly cast his counter curse with a flourish.

This time Xander didn't have to fake shock as Snape's tongue *fell out* and flopped around the table. He winced and jumped up quickly, running over, God I hope they can reattach that!

"Go get the nurse!" He yelled at the closest student he could grab, then rushed the head table as Snape glared murderously at Lockhart as the Defense professor stammered and looked at the writhing tongue in shock.

"Uh, well there now, you can close your mouth properly, right?" he asked with halting laughter.

Snape's eyes practically glowed with an unholy light as he snapped his wand out and cast a silent stinging hex at the Defense professor.

Lockhart jumped in pain, yelping. "Here now, there's no cause to... OW!"

The third hex sent Lockhart running from the hall with Snape on his heals just as Xander arrived at the faculty table and grimaced down at the writing tongue that was curling around a plate of bacon and eggs.

"Ugh... No way am I touching that."

The transformations began to reverse, starting with McGonagall, just as Nurse Pomfrey came rushing in.

"What's this about someone cutting Severus' tongue out?" She asked, eyes searching blood.

"I don't know about cutting, Ma'am." Xander said, nodding to the still writing tongue. "But Professor Lockhart cast some kind of spell that did that."

"Merlin's beard." Pomfrey hissed, looking around. "Where's Severus?"

"Chasing Lockhart across the Channel, heading for France right about now." Xander replied dryly.

"I doubt they've reached that distance just yet, young man." Albus Dumbledore said with an amused twinkle as he too examined the tongue. "I haven't seen this curse cast in many a year, I must say, Professor Lockhart has quite a hand with a very obscure silencing curse."

"I don't think this is what he meant to do," Xander said dryly.

"Yes, well, that's what we'll tell Severus at least." Dumbledore chuckled.

"FRED AND GEORGE WEASELY!"

Minerva McGonagall's scream of outraged ire froze the twins in place where they were trying to sneak out of the hall.

They turned around, both quite pale.

"We swear, professor, we didn't..."

"REALLY didn't..."

"Do this." Both said together.

"Don't you lie to me! I recognize your idiotic hand in this insane prank!" McGonagall roared, "Fifty points from Gryffindor and detentions for the rest of the month! And I swear, if I catch you pulling anything like this again, why I'll... I'll..."

They didn't get to hear what she would do as the room was distracted by Snape reappearing, dragging a badly beaten Gilderoy Lockhart by one leg. He dropped the leg just inside the hall and walked with as much dignity as he could muster to the head table, nodding to Madam Pomfrey, then at his tongue which had returned to normal size on the table.

"I'll see what I can do, Professor," The nurse said quickly, "I'm afraid I don't know this curse, though..."

"I do, Severus," Dumbledore said calmly, "And it can be reversed with little trouble. Have no worries."

Snape visibly seemed to relax as Minerva continued laying into the twins, who had finally seemed to come to a realization as they stared at Xander as one.

"YOU!"

"Me?" Xander tried to look shocked.

"Him?" McGonagall blinked, "Sure you're not blaming a second year for this ruckus!?"

The twins froze, not wanting to be the ones who dragged teachers into it, nor to give credit to someone for pranking THEM. Albus Dumbledore, however, had already turned to Xander.

"Did you do this, young man?"

Xander was about to answer when Snape twisted him around and glared at him. Xander swallowed, "Professors, I freely admit that I've tried to duplicate the twins pranks, but I've not had any luck. Frankly the work is beyond me, and the twins use some kind of obscuring charm to keep people from working out their things."

Snape glanced over at Dumbledore and nodded slightly as Minerva whipped out her wand and examined the tainted food.

"He's right," She said, "There's a complex obscurement charm over all the... prank products. It's far beyond a second year. You two, with me. NOW."

The twins fell in behind their head of house as she left, shooting death glares over their shoulders at Xander. He didn't dare smirk at them, however, not with Snape and Dumbledore watching him.

"Come along Severus," Poppy said, levitating the tongue with her wand. "I'll need your help as well, Albus, if we're to do this quickly."

"Of course, Poppy," Dumbledore said calmly. "Let us be off."

Xander watched them leave and let out a relieved sigh as he fought to keep his legs from turning to jello. He walked as calmly as he could back to the Slytherin table, sitting woodenly as he began to force himself to eat.

Daphne looked over at him, eyes wide. Everyone knew that he was planning something, but this was beyond anything they'd even dreamt. "What did you do?"

Xander didn't look at her as he whispered back, "We warded the table. Anything the twins send here with that obscurement charm on it gets dumped on the professors table instead."

She stared at him, jaw dropping open, the closed it slowly and went back to eating. Xander didn't move until Harrow and Jacobs entered the hall. He got up and left the table, meeting them as they were about to sit down.

"Destroy the runes, eliminate the evidence." He hissed. "Professor Snape will be looking for blood on this one."

The both paled, then nodded curtly as Xander kept moving past them, heading for his first class.