Summary: AU craziness. Based off an unwritten fanfic; do not look for sanity here. All you need to know is that Cloud is fourteen at the time, he and his mother (Eleanor, because I don't remember her name if she had one) have moved to Midgar and his mother runs a bar. Cloud is not involved with Shinra... at the beginning, anyway. :) Warning, bad language.

Disclaimer: I did not write this fic, I place all responsibility on my sister and her friend. Please don't sue me. Oh yeah - don't own FFVII either.

THE STORY OF HOW CLOUD BECAME A TURK

Day the first

Eleanor: Cloud, what are you drinking?

C: I dunno mum. It tastes kinda nice though. -takes another gulp-

E: -twitches- Who. Gave. That. To. You?

C: -points at random SOLDIER-

S: -waves-

E: Is there a particular reason you gave my underage son alcohol?

S: Well, he is sort of hot.

E: ARE YOU HITTING ON MY SON?

C: -falls off stool-

S: -thinks- Yes, yes, I believe I am.

E: -twitches-

S: What? He's cute!

E: Out. Now.

S: -slinks out-

Day the second

E: Cloud, is that alcohol? Again?

C: -examines drink- Probably.

E: Who?

C: -points at Turk-

E: Right, you -pause- What the hell is a Turk doing in my bar?

T: Well, currently I'm trying to get your son very drunk.

E: ...Why?

T: I thought it'd be funny. And besides, he's not bad-looking. -charming smile-

C: -blinks- -stares at drink again-

E: Just a moment please...

E: -leaves, comes back a few moments later- -hits Turk with bottle-

T: ...

E: Out.

T: -sighs, leaves-

Day the third

E: Cloud, I thought I said no more alcohol.

C: Mum, it's not my fault people keep on buying me drinks.

E: SAY NO CLOUD. SAY NO.

C: No?

E: Not to me, you- -sighs- Alright, who was it this time?

C: -points to man in combats-

E: Oh good. At least it's not another Turk. Or SOLDIER. -pause- He could be a trooper I suppose...

MIC: HEY! I DO NOT WORK FOR GODDAMN SHINRA. GODDAMN.

E: -slaps- Don't swear in front of my son, you bastard!

MIC: GODDAMN, YOU SLAPPED ME. GODDAMN, YOU BITCH.

C: -sighs, returns to drink-

E: GODDAMN YOU, YOU BASTARD. WHY DID YOU GIVE MY SON ALCOHOL?

MIC: I WANTED HIM TO JOIN MY GODDAMN SECRET TERRORIST GROUP. GODDAMN.

E: -blinks-

T: -shoots MIC-

C: -stares moodily at empty glass-

T: Want another?

E: OUT.

Day the Fourth

C: -mixes own drink-

E: Cloooouuuud...

C: -drinks, walks off-

E: I hate this job.

T: I know the feeling.

E: Out.

T: Hey, it was the SOLDIER who told him how to mix his own drinks!

S: -waves-

C: -walks into wall- -collapses-

E: Why? What have I done?

MIC: GODDAMN.

E: You're dead. But I appreciate the sentiment.

T: -shoots MIC- -again-

S: -toasts- Nice reflexes man.

C: -wakes up- -gets another drink-

E: -hits Cloud with frying pan-

S: Now that was just harsh.

E: Out. All of you.

S: -slinks out-

T: -saunters out-

MIC: -decomposes- goddamn

E: Now, Cloud...

E: COME BACK WITH MY SON YOU GODDAMN TURK!

T: -waves over shoulder-