Thanks to my beta, Camilla Sandman. She helps me so much with improving my writing.
After taking a minute to regroup herself, Catherine said, "Yes, I do know who he is, but I don't know much about him. I'm sorry."
"That's okay," Alex said. "What do you know about him?"
"His name is Ryan. I met him at the nightclub I worked at. I was a stripper and he was a regular. He always tipped well, and one night after I was done, he waited for me outside. He was a good-looking guy. He asked me back to his place, and one thing led to another. I never saw him again after that night. When I found out I was pregnant with you, I tried to find out his last name and where he lived, but I never did."
"Oh," Alex said quietly, looking down at the ground. He couldn't quite hide her disappointment.
"I'm sorry I don't have anything else to tell you," Catherine told her. "A couple of months later when I began to show and couldn't work anymore, I got scared. I was eighteen, and on my own. That's when I realized I had to give you up, no matter how much it hurt. I knew you deserved a better life then I could give you. When I met the Kesslers, I could tell they would be great parents."
"They were," Alex whispered, trying to stop herself from crying again.
That sat in silence for a moment, both in their own thoughts, before Alex asked another question. "How did you become a CSI?"
"Another one of the regulars at the club was a cop. Strange as it sounds, he was a good friend of mine. He would tell me about the case he was working on and ask me who I thought the perp was. He encouraged me to g back to school, and it didn't take him long to convince me. For the next two years I continued to work at the club so I could save some money, and during the day I took some classes at UNLV. Then when I had saved up enough, I quit working at the club, and got a job as a waitress while I finished school. I graduated with honors and was hired at the crime lab almost immediately."
While Catherine spoke, Alex noticed a picture frame that held two pictures, sitting on the coffee table. Looking at it more closely, she noticed it held two pictures. One was of a little girl that looked to be around three years old, and the other was of the same girl, but a couple years older. "Is that Lindsey?" she asked.
Catherine saw what Alex was looking at and reached for the pictures. "Yes, it is," she told Alex, holding them in her lap.
"Does she know about me?" Alex asked.
"No, the first person I told was Warrick, and that was only yesterday."
"Oh, okay," Alex said, still looking at the pictures Catherine was holding. She couldn't help but wonder how different her life would have been if Lindsey's life had been hers. "Where is she now?"
"She went away with a friend for the weekend. She'll be here tomorrow night. I plan on telling her then."
"How do you think she'll react?"
"To tell you the truth, I have no idea. She's been though a lot, just like you. My ex-husband, her father, died in car accident they both were in a few years ago. She acted out for a while after that, but ever since she started at Butterfield Academy, she's been better. She might be angry at first that I didn't tell her, but I think she'll be happy to have a big sister."
"That's good. I've always wanted a younger sister. She's thirteen now?"
"Yeah, just last month," Catherine said, standing up, and walking over to a shelf where there was more pictures. She reached up to take one down, smiling at the memories it evoked. "This one is her latest school picture, and that one I took this past fall when she was cheerleading at a football game."
"She's a cheerleader?" Alex asked, hesitantly coming over and touching a frame. It felt a little strange now that a moment she'd fantasized about for such a long time was happening.
"She wanted to fit in when she started at the new school, so she tried out."
"That's cool. I was a cheerleader at the high school I went to when I lived in the group home, but I switched schools when I moved in with the Millers, and I had missed tryouts."
Putting the photo back up on the shelf, Catherine took another one down. Her hands shook a little as she held it, and a strange look passed over her face. She didn't say anything right away, so Alex asked, "Are they baby pictures of Lindsey?"
"One of them is. The other one is you."
"Really?" Alex was more than a little surprised.
"Yeah, it's one of the few I had of you. I think everyone must have assumed it was Lindsey since you looked a lot alike when you were babies. No one ever asked, so I never said anything," Catherine told her, blinking away a few fresh tears. "I thought about you everyday. I wondered what you were doing, and what you looked like."
"I thought about you, too," Alex said quietly, breaking down again. She cursed her lack of control, but it all felt so overwhelming and she was so, so tired.
Catherine took her in her arms, holding her tight. "I'm here now. Don't worry. I'm never going to let you go again. I'll always be here for you," Catherine whispered in her ear, trying not only to calm Alex, but herself too.
"I…I…I love you Mom," Alex choked out in between sobs.
"I love you too, Alex," Catherine said, losing control over her own emotions, and letting her tears fall freely. She had waited so long to hear and say those words.
Despite all, it didn't take them too long to calm down. Pulling back, Catherine affectionately brushed Alex's hair away from her tear-stained face, and motioned towards the couch. As they sat, Catherine asked, "Would you want to stay here for awhile? With me and Lindsey?"
"You mean, move in?" Alex asked, surprised. She certainly hadn't expected this much this fast.
"If you want to. I know you have your own place, but I think it would be a good way for Lindsey and me to get to know you better. You can have the spare room. Lindsey helped me pick out all new furniture when we redecorated it a couple months ago, but you can change whatever you want. I want you to feel at home."
"I would like that. I haven't had a place to call home in a long time. I've lived so many places, but no where ever really felt like home. Plus, I want to know more about you and Lindsey, too," Alex said. "Does Warrick live here?"
'What?" Catherine asked, caught off guard by the question.
"You are dating him, right?" Alex asked, a little unsure she had been reading things right. "Or did I misinterpret things?"
"Um…well, we just started seeing each other the other day."
"Oh, it seemed like you two have been together for a long time. You like him a lot, don't you?"
"Yeah, I do. He's a great guy, and he's good with Lindsey. I'm sure you'll like him too."
"If I'm going to move in, then I should get my stuff from my apartment," Alex said, changing the topic suddenly, feeling a little uncomfortable prodding too much into Catherine's life yet. It was hard to resist the urge to cram years of lost time into one evening.
"You can borrow some clothes from me tonight, and get your stuff tomorrow."
"All right, I'll go tomorrow before Lindsey comes home, so you can talk to her alone. And, I'll need some time to pack."
"Okay, then I'll call you when she's ready to meet you."
"I can't wait," Alex said, smiling slightly for the first time in days.
"Are you hungry? I don't have much to eat here, so we can go somewhere if you want to."
"That sounds good. Can Greg come with us?
"Sure, let's go ask him and Warrick if they want to come with us. I think they're out front," Catherine said, leading the way out the front door. They found Warrick and Greg sitting on the bench on the porch, trying very hard not to look bored. "Are you guys hungry? We're going to head out for a bite to eat."
"Sounds good to me," Greg said. "I'm starving."
"You're always hungry," Warrick teased. This earned him a good-natured punch in the shoulder from Greg, who didn't deny the allegation still.
"Let's go guys, I'll drive," Catherine said, sounding every bit the boss.
As they walked to Catherine's car, Greg leaned over to Alex and asked, "How are you holding up?"
"I'm doing good. I'm doing really good," Alex said, smiling at him. Strangely, she felt she really meant it. It wasn't just a reassuring phrase. She really was good.
After a little bit of a disagreement in the car about where to eat, they settle on their usual diner. They made small talk while they ate, and Catherine was happy to see that Alex seemed to be comfortable spending time with Warrick. Already, she was beginning to see the phases of what might be her new family, but she didn't dare think too much of it. Not yet. When they got back to the house, Warrick and Greg left, leaving Catherine and Alex alone.
Walking in the door, placing her keys down on the end table, Catherine said, "Make yourself comfortable. I'm going to go to the bathroom, and then I'll be right back."
"Okay," Alex replied, heading towards the living room.
A little later, Catherine had finished freshening up a bit, and headed back to the living room, only to find Alex asleep on the couch. Her first thought was to wake her daughter and get her to the more comfortable bed, but Alex looked so peaceful she decided against it. Instead, she walked over to her, took the blanket off the back of the couch, spreading it out and pulling it up over Alex's shoulders. Pausing there, she brushed a few strands of hair away from Alex's face before standing up. She stood there for a moment, just watching her. She was about to walk away, and try to get some sleep herself, when Alex started to stir.
Noticing her mother hunched over her, Alex started to sit up, but Catherine halted her with a soft touch. "Why don't you try to get some sleep? I'll be right upstairs in my room if you need anything," Catherine told her.
"Okay," Alex mumbled, already closing her eyes. Her body was telling her it was tired, and she had no strength left to fight it off. She pulled the blanket tightly around her, letting her exhaustion take over. Within seconds, she was fast asleep.
Catherine walked into her room, kicked off her shoes, and fell on top of her bed. She knew she should try to get some sleep while she could, but her thoughts wandered to everything that has happened in the past couple of days. A week ago, she never would have thought so much could change in so short a time span. She now had Alex back in her life and had started a relationship with Warrick. She hoped Lindsey would be happy about both changes. Her mind was already buzzing with all of the possible ways to tell Lindsey, but her exhaustion won out before she could contemplate much and she fell asleep.
A few hours later, Catherine was woken up suddenly by a loud scream. She jumped out of bed without thinking, instincts taking over. "Alex! Are you okay?" she called out, running down the stairs. Not hearing a reply, her anxiety only increased, and she rushed into the living room. Alex was there, awake, but crying and gasping as she tried to catch her breath. A bad dream, Catherine guessed, and she sat down carefully and eased Alex into her arms.
Between gasps, Alex managed to say, "He…He was…He was there…and…and…so much blood…blood everywhere…I couldn't get away."
"Shhh, it's going to be okay, Alex," Catherine said, gently stroking Alex's hair. "It was just a nightmare. You're here now. You're safe."
As Catherine's comforting words started to sink in, and she began to remember where she was, Alex started to calm down. Eventually she pulled back, feeling a little embarrassed. "I'm sorry if I woke you up. You didn't have to come down here," she said, looking down.
"Look at me, Alex," Catherine said, pausing until Alex looked her in the eyes. "I'm your mother. I know this is new to you, but I'm going to be there for you whenever you need me, and I know I can't make up for the past twenty two years, but I'm going to try. Please let me do that."
The words didn't quite have the effect Catherine hoped. Alex only stared for a moment, before suddenly getting up and running out of the room.
Catherine got up and followed her, but was stopped abruptly when Alex slammed the bathroom door in her face. She could hear Alex crying on the other side of the door. Her heart broke, thinking of the pain Alex was suffering from. She waited a moment before quietly knocking on the door. "Alex, honey, please open the door."
After not hearing any sort of reply, Catherine tried again. "Alex, can you please open the door?"
"No! Go away! Leave me alone!" Alex shouted, her voice filled with anger. It was easier to feel angry than anything else right now. All too much, all too fast, after twenty years of nothing.
"Alex, I just want to help you," Catherine said. She was startled when the door flew open to reveal Alex standing there, glaring back at her.
"You want to help me?" Alex asked, trying to hold back any more tears, but was unsuccessful in doing so. "If you want to help me, then you can tell me why. Why did you give me up? Why did you give me up and keep Lindsey? Why did you keep her and not me?"
Catherine knew these questions would be coming, but she still felt unprepared for answering them. "Alex, I'm not sure what to say. There's no simple explanation."
"Just try to," Alex said bitterly. "I deserve to know, and you told me I could ask you anything."
"You're right, Alex. You do deserve answers, and I want to tell you," Catherine said, stepping forward to put an arm around Alex. When Alex didn't back away she took it as a good sign. "Let's go sit down."
Alex didn't say anything as she let Catherine lead the way into a bedroom. Alex assumed it was the spare room Catherine had told her about since she saw no personal items. They sat down on the bench at the foot of the bed.
"Alex," Catherine began, feeling a bit like she was navigating carefully through a minefield. "I told you how much it hurt for me to give you up. I didn't want to do it. I looked into everything I could do that would help us if I kept you, but there wasn't much. I couldn't afford to live in a safe neighborhood, and I didn't want anything to happen to you. I wouldn't have been able to pay for a babysitter when I worked. When I got my first ultrasound done, and I saw you on the screen, it made me realize that I need to do what was best for you, not matter how much I didn't want to. I stared at the printout from the ultrasound for days. It broke my heart to know that I couldn't keep you, and that I couldn't give you the life you deserved."
"How did you get my baby pictures?" Alex asked, considering what she had been told. There was obvious hurt in Catherine's voice, and that softened her somewhat.
"Your adoption was open," Catherine explained. "The Kesslers and I agreed that they would send me pictures, and tell me how you were doing. Each month they sent me a picture of you with a letter telling me about new things you had done. Each time they sent me them, I would get really depressed. I didn't leave the house for days, and would cry myself to sleep. After about six months, I decided I couldn't take it anymore, and I asked them to stop sending them. It was too hard to see your picture and read about what I was missing out on."
Alex felt slightly better at Catherine opening up about it, but there were still some nagging doubts in her mind that were coming t force now that the immediate joy of just finding Catherine had subsided. "Why do you want me now? You already have Lindsey," Alex questioned, crossing her arms as if she was trying to protect herself.
"Alex, I have always wanted you. When I had Lindsey, I was married, and able to support her. If I could've, I would've taken you back, but that wouldn't have been fair to you or the Kesslers. Plus, I signed away my rights when I signed the adoption papers. You were nine when Lindsey was born. I didn't want to upset you by coming back into your life all of a sudden. I figured if you wanted, when you were older, you would contact me."
"I would have tried to find you sooner, but no one would help me, and I didn't have any money to do it on my own. The Millers didn't let me use their money, so I had to be careful taking money out of the account they gave me. Any time I took out a large amount of money out, they wanted to know what it was for. It took a while for me to save enough to pay the investigator," Alex explained.
"I wish I could have been there for you. You've been through so much, and…" Catherine paused, unsure of what to say next. She looked, over at Alex, who finally returned the gaze without hostility.
"It's okay. At least you're here for me now," Alex said.
Briefly, they embraced again, Catherine letting out a long, shuddering breath. After a few seconds, they pulled apart. "Do you feel up to watching a movie? I could order us some pizza, if you're hungry," Catherine said.
"I'm not really that hungry," Alex said.
"How about we go downstairs and you can pick out a movie. We can order something when you get hungry," Catherine suggested.
"All right, that sounds good."
It was a few hours later when Catherine noticed Alex was almost constantly yawning. "You look beat," Catherine informed her. "How about you go upstairs before you fall asleep on the couch again?"
"Okay," Alex replied, yawning again as she stood up. "Do you have any clothes I can borrow to sleep in?"
"Of course, and there's an extra toothbrush in the drawer in the bathroom," Catherine told her. "Come on, let's go upstairs. I'll show you around quickly, then you can go to sleep."
Tour finished, Alex changed her clothes and sat down on the edge of the bed of what was now her room. She lifted the bag up on her lap, debating whether now would be a good time to give her mom the letter she wrote. She decided it was, and headed towards Catherine's room. Upon knocking and not getting a reply, she simply walked in and found the room empty. Guessing that Catherine was in the bathroom, she put the letter down on the pillow, and left the room.
Catherine noticed the letter the moment she walked in, having finished a shower. She picked it up, and saw on the front of it said "Catherine Willows" in plain black type. She flipped it over. On the back, in neat handwriting was written "Mom, I thought you would still like to read this even though we've already met. Love, Alex." After sitting down, she took out the letter and began to read it.
Dear Mom,
I hope to call you that in person soon. My name is Alexandra Miller and I'm the daughter that you gave up for adoption. I wanted to write this letter before I contacted you any other way. I figured it would be less painful this way, incase you didn't want to meet. I hired a private investigator to find you. I have wanted to find you for so long.
As you know, I'm now twenty-two years old. I just finished my third year at UNLV. I am contacting you because I want to know more about you. My adoptive parents, the Kesslers, were killed in a car accident when I was ten. I went to live with my aunt for a little bit, but she got ill and I had to go into foster-care. I am now living with Joe and Silvia Miller.
If you want to contact me, you can call the number or write to the address below. If not, I'm sorry that I bothered you, and I won't contact you again.
Alexandra Catherine Miller
Catherine was in tears by the time she had finished reading the letter. She immediately got up to go see Alex. When she saw that Alex was asleep, she quietly gave her a kiss on her forehead. "I love you, Alex," she whispered.
A/N: Please read and review! I know was messed up last time I updated, so some of you couldn't review. I hope you all liked this chapter. I now have less than a month left until my last final and I'm feeling the time crunch, so I'm sorry for not updating that quickly. My profile gives more of an explanation. Since it has taken me longer than I wanted to post this chapter, I made it longer. It's over 3,300 words! My longest chapter yet. Please continue to read and review. The next chapter will be getting back to the case and Lindsey comes home.