Before The Dawn

by SheWhoMustNotBeNamed90

Elsa and Anna are expecting their first child together when tragedy strikes and a life is left hanging in the balance. Elsanna, unrelated, modern AU, warning: major character death.

1. Chapter 1

Before The Dawn.

---

My hand flies to my phone the moment it begins to ring, your face popping up on the screen as soon as the video call connects. "How'd the appointment go?" I ask excitedly, ignoring the anxiety that relentlessly bubbles in the pit of my stomach; I've always had a habit of fearing the worst.

"Perfectly!" You reply enthusiastically, your smile beaming at me as you open your car door and sit down. "The doctor said that everything looks great, baby is doing well, lungs sound good… though, she did struggle to get an accurate heartrate, the little tyke decided it was party time and wouldn't stop kicking!"

I chuckle softly, allowing myself to relax in my chair. "Sounds like it takes after its mother." I tease, and you poke your tongue out at me in retaliation. "I can't believe that in just a few short weeks, we're going to be mothers, Anna, mums! Can you believe it?"

"Oh, I cannot wait for the day when we get to meet this little one…" You pause for a moment and bite your lip as you start to chuckle, "…and I can finally breathe normally again. I mean, seriously, why does it insist on sitting in my ribcage? And why is my bladder the perfect trampoline? I can't even remember what my feet look like and don't even get me started on the whole shaving debacle."

I can't help but laugh, pregnancy has certainly been an experience for us both. "You're going to make an amazing mum, Anna. You really are." With less than two weeks until our due date, the countdown is on and I am on high alert. I'm constantly checking my phone, just in case you go into labour early, and every time it rings, I'm sure it's you, calling to say that your waters have broken. I bet you can't wait to have the baby, just so I'll stop worrying so much… though, if you think the arrival of our child will get me to stop worrying, then you really are in for a big surprise.

"As are you, Elsa." You croon from the other end of the phone, rubbing your belly affectionately as you smile. "This baby is going to be the luckiest baby in the world, and we're going to be the luckiest parents ever."

I can hear the emotion in your voice, the way it has risen in pitch and become strained. I can see the tears beginning to build in your eyes, how they've become glassy, and your chin begins to tremble. "Sorry, I didn't mean to make you cry."

You roll your eyes and give a watery scoff followed by a hiccup as you laugh at yourself. "Don't be silly. You know me, I cry at everything, anyway." Your voice cracks and jumps another octave. "Add on the p-pregnancy hormones and the s-swollen feet and the fact that I f-feel like I haven't slept in years and the dry skin and-and the morning sickness which is stupidly named because it lasts all bloody day and the back aches and muscles spasms and... and I'm just a permanent, blubbering mess!" You wail and I have to fight against the giggle that threatens to burst free. "Stop laughing at me!" You whine.

Oops, busted.

"I'm sorry." I say, though I doubt I sound anything of the sort. "Look, I'm going to be leaving work in about an hour, why don't you go home, jump in the tub, put your feet up and relax and on my way home, I'll stop in at your favourite restaurant and bring you your favourite meal?"

Those tears stop immediately, and you sniffle, and then the line goes silent for a moment, and I almost think the feed has frozen. "You'd do that? For me?"

"I love you." I state as if it should have been obvious. "I'd do anything for you, Anna." I promise, I would give my own life to save yours and I know you would do the same for me.

"How did I get so lucky to have you as my wife?" Your voice quivers again, the emotion evident in your tone and I feel my own eyes welling too.

"You know that all you have to do is smile and I would give you the sun, the moon and the sky."

"I love you, Elsa." Is your sincere reply, followed by a gentle sniff.

"I love you too, Anna."

---

"Pick up for Elsa Frost, please." I say as I reach the front counter of Oaken's and pay for our meals. I can't wait to get home, to have you in my arms, our beautiful baby kicking beneath my hands. There's nothing I look forward to more, than coming home and spending the rest of the evening on the couch with you as we fantasise about the future.

On one hand, I wish I hadn't told you to have a bath before I get home, a long soak in a steaming hot tub sounds absolutely wonderful right now, but on the other hand, I know we both won't fit anymore – not that I'd ever say that around you and you certainly need the pampering much more than I do. Besides, I adore doting on you, doing anything to make you smile, I would sacrifice everything for you.

Pregnancy looks so beautiful on you, you really do glow and it's not from the hormones or layers of moisturiser you're using on your skin, but the pride and joy and absolute excitement that pregnancy fills you with. I don't care if your feet are swollen, and your ankles are all blown up. I don't care about the acne and stretch marks that cover your body. I don't care about the weight you've gained or the size of your breasts, you are beautiful inside and out and I love you more than any words could ever express.

A waiter hands me our food and after thanking him, I walk out the door. I just manage to reach my car when my phone starts to ring. "Shit!" I swear aloud, juggling the bag, my keys and wallet as I hastily fish my phone from my back pocket. I don't even bother to check the caller ID before answering. "Are you okay? Has something happened? Did your waters break? Are you having contractions?" I ask rapid-fire.

"Is this Elsa Frost, wife of Anna Frost?" Asks a voice that definitely isn't yours.

My breath catches in my throat as a cold dread washes over me. I nod my head only to realise the person on the other end of the phone can't see me. "Yes..." I croak, my hands beginning to shake.

"I'm Doctor Bulda, from Arendelle Memorial Hospital. I'm afraid Anna's been involved an accident."

My blood runs cold and I have to grab for the car just to keep myself upright. "Oh, my god, is she okay? What about the baby?" I begin to hyperventilate, my vision blurring at the edges. If anything happened to you… I stop that thought in its tracks, I can't go there, I'll never make it into my car if I do.

"She's been rushed into emergency surgery, it's imperative that you get here as soon as possible."

I feel physically sick, my entire world is suddenly spinning, my thoughts racing. I try to bat them away, to stay positive, but that was always your forte, never mine and I can feel my heart freezing, ice encasing it, threatening to crack and shatter at any moment. Unable to say another word, I end the call and throw myself inside my car.

I barely even notice the tears that stream down my face, the suffocating compression of my chest with each and every breath I take. I grip the wheel so tight, that my knuckles turn white and the leather groans beneath my skin. And I just sit there. Frozen. Paralysed with fear.

Anna… the baby…

The sound of my phone connecting to the vehicle makes me jump and suddenly everything comes swimming into focus. "Anna!" I gasp and wipe furiously at my eyes. I throw the car into gear and pull out of my space without even checking for oncoming traffic.

Every inch of me is trembling, and no matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to stop the tears from falling. Every breath catches painfully in my chest, like a knife being plunged into my lungs, over and over again.

I rush to the hospital on autopilot, barely paying attention to the traffic around me. My heart is racing, my head matching its pace and I press harder on the accelerator. I have no idea how fast I'm going or what colour that light I just ran was. I know I should slow down, pay attention to my surroundings and drive with caution, but I'm not thinking rationally right now and the only thought that keeps racing through my mind is you and how desperately I need to get to you.

The journey is taking far too long, it feels like I'm flying but my car isn't moving an inch. I can't even begin to express scared I am. The crippling fear that has me panicking. Every breath is agony, every second torturous. Time seems to have come to a standstill and everything is frozen in place.

I pull up behind another vehicle at the next set of lights, my left foot jiggling anxiously. "C'mon, c'mon, c'mon! Change!" I growl under my breath feeling more and more irritated with every second that passes. A second wasted, a second that should have been spent by your side. The light changes to green but the car in front doesn't move. "Go!" I scream wildly and slam my hand against the horn. The person in front finally begins rolling forward and they give me the one-finger salute as I stamp my foot on the accelerator and shoot right up their ass.

The car intentionally slows down and then break-checks me, but I couldn't care less and cross to the wrong side of the road to overtake, leaving them fuming in my rear-view mirror.

In what feels like an entire lifetime and just a few seconds, the hospital finally comes into view. The traffic flies past in a blur of grey and white as I speed towards the building, my heart racing harder and faster against my chest.

I pull into the carpark, my tyres screeching as I take the sharp turn at speed and race to find an empty space. I see a vehicle backing out, another waiting for it in the opposite lane, but I cut them off, not caring for anyone else. The moment my car comes to a stop, I rip out the keys, grab my wallet and phone and run to the entrance, I don't even consider paying for parking, it never even crosses my mind.

I sprint through the doors and straight to reception. "My wife-" I pant, "Anna- Anna Frost-"

"Elsa!" Someone behind me calls my name and I spin on the spot. My eyes dart around the packed out room until I see a burly man waving at me. "Kristoff!" I cry and run into his open arms. "Anna?" I choke, tears streaming down my face as your brother holds me tight.

Kristoff's back stutters beneath my hands, rising and falling far too rapidly. "Still in surgery." He sobs between giant gulps of air.

"And the baby…"

"I don't…" Kristoff pauses, his head bowing as he shakes it. "I don't know. Nobody's telling me anything!"

"Oh, my god." I whimper, my knees give way and it's only Kristoff's arms around my waist that keep me upright. I grasp his shirt in my fists, my tears soaking the fabric as I sob. I feel incredibly lost, I don't know what to do, who to call, there is no one else. Without you, I am alone again, and I've already lost so much. I can't lose you too, I can't!

Kristoff pulls me up and leads me to a seat, his arms still wrapped around me as we cry. I'm clutching him in a vice-like grip, the same way I'm clutching onto the hope that you will make it through this. I need you to make it through this, I simply can't live without you, I don't know how. And if we lose this baby… I know it will be devastating for us both, but I know we'll get through it and as heartless as it sounds, we can always try again, but I could never, never replace you and so if I had to choose between the life of my unborn baby and my future with my wife, I know which one I would choose.

"What happened?" I ask after a while, once I sort of get my head back on straight.

Kristoff clears his throat and takes in a deep breath. "Some idiot ran a red light and slammed into her door. Her car rolled across the intersection before hitting a tree."

"I should have been there, Kristoff!" I howl, blaming myself is what I do best. "I should have taken the day off work, I should have driven her, I should have been by her side! It should be me on that table! Me in surgery! Not Anna, never Anna!" My chest stutters as I gasp for breath, the pain is too much to bear. "I can't live without her."

"She's going to be okay." Kristoff says, but his tone is vacant and I know he is struggling to believe those words himself. "It's Anna," He adds with more conviction, "She's a fighter, if anyone can recover from this, it's her."

I nod but don't say anything further. He's right, you are a fighter. You're strong and brave and you're definitely not the type to just let go. You taught me how to fight, even after I had given up, you fought for me and gave me the strength I needed to fight back. You are the one I turn to in situations like this, it's your courage and fierceness that keeps me grounded, keeps me going. You're my ray of sunshine and everything looks so dark without you by my side.

I sit up in my seat and wipe my face dry, taking a few deep breaths to steady myself as I search through the dark in my mind for that little glimmer of light you can always find. I look around the room to try and distract myself from my thoughts, but my gaze keeps focusing on the couples around me. Those that are clearly in love, sitting side by side, holding onto each other for support and it makes me feel so incredibly isolated.

After what feels like an eternity, a voice calls out, carrying over the dull chatter of the people around. "Elsa Frost?"

My head whips up and I see a woman in scrubs with a clipboard in her hands, scanning the room as she looks for me. I stand, my legs numb and stiff and run to her with Kristoff on my heels. "Anna! Where's my wife? I need to see her!"

"She's still in surgery." The woman tells me. "She's critical, but they're doing everything they can."

"And the baby?" I hold my breath, waiting for the news that I know is going to bring me to my knees.

"Your baby is fine." The woman assures and I gasp, that wasn't the news I was expecting to hear. My hand flies to my mouth and I grab her wrist to stop myself from falling. I feel a wave of relief wash over me, new tears form in my eyes as I whimper and nod.

"We had to perform an emergency C-section. Anna suffered a placental abruption and began haemorrhaging. It was a little touch and go at first, the baby wasn't breathing, but with a little assistance, it's now doing fine and is breathing well on its own." The woman rubs my shoulder reassuringly and smiles. "Congratulations… you're a mother."

Those tears break their banks and start streaming down my face. I hear Kristoff sigh in relief before he grabs my shoulder and turns me towards him, hugging me fiercely as we both just stand there and sob.

After a moment, I pull away, wiping at my face and ask, "Is it a boy or a girl?"

The woman beams and steps aside, "Why don't you come and find out…"

I look to Kristoff and he nods, releasing his grip on me and I allow the woman to lead me down the hall. My heart beats faster with every step I take, the anticipation building, and I know my life is about to change forever.

"I'm Gerda, by the way." She says as she leads me around a corner and down another corridor. "I specialise in neonates." We stop as we reach a set of automatic double doors with a big sign above reading Neonatal Intensive Care Unit and suddenly, everything becomes all the more real. She asks me to wash my hands, gesturing to the sink on my left and then does the same herself.

I visibly shake as I scrub my skin, my breathing coming in short, sharp bursts. I am absolutely terrified and it's only the thinnest piece of string that is holding me together. I dry my hands, throwing the towel in the bin before taking a deep breath to steel myself. Slowly, I turn in place and my eyes dart around the room, taking it in for the first time.

It's quiet in here, the lights are low and there are various different cots scattered around the room, each with a single chair beside them. Some have UV lights above; others are fully enclosed. My heart aches as I look around and see so many tiny babies, born far too early or far too ill. They're covered in wires and tubes; their limbs look so tiny and fragile.

"Would you like to come and meet your baby?" The nurse asks softly, her voice startling me as I tear my eyes away from a newborn so tiny, it could almost fit in the palm of my hand.

I gulp and then nod, willing my feet to send me forward. The nurse must have seen the fear in my eyes, the terror reflected in my face because she steps towards me and smiles reassuringly. "Your baby is going to be fine." She says and again I nod. This is all too overwhelming, too much for me to take in, let alone comprehend and it all just feels like I'm stuck in some kind of horrible nightmare.

Just a few more steps and I'm standing in front of an open cot with a lamp above keeping the little bundle inside warm. I gasp again, my hands flying up to cover my mouth as that shaking only increases and a soft whimper leaves my lips as tears of joy begin to run down my face.

"Congratulations," Gerda says, "It's a girl."

I laugh softly through my tears, "Oh, my god." I breathe as this sudden sense of elation begins to build and for a moment, I forget about everything else. "She's perfect." She looks so tiny just laying there – despite being one of the biggest babies in the room – all bundled up in a blanket with her little hands balled into fists. Her skin is beautiful and pink, her head covered in a tiny beanie, hiding her peach fuzz hair from view. I reach out hesitantly, my hand trembling, "Can- can I touch her?" I ask.

Gerda grins, "Oh, I think we can do one better than that, would you like a hold?"

Words elude me, my voice nowhere to be seen, so I swallow thickly and nod instead as a feeling of nervous and anxious excitement begins to build. Gerda instructs me to take a seat in the nearby chair and tells me to unbutton my shirt as she carefully unwraps the baby from her blankets and lifts her from her cot and all of a sudden, I'm freaking out. I have no idea what I'm doing, I've never held a baby before, let alone one this new, what if I don't do it right? What if I hurt her or drop her! What if she starts screaming and I can't calm her!

All these fears instantly melt away the moment my baby's skin touches my own. Gerda places her directly on my chest with my baby's head resting just above my heart. My hand goes to cradle the back of her head, the other supports her lower body. The baby begins to squirm, unhappy about being disturbed and she arches her back, pushing her head into my hands. Then, she stops, and those eyes slowly blink as if adjusting to the light before they open and meet mine.

In that moment I just break as this overwhelming wave of affection and pride fills my heart. "Hi, there." I croon, blinking rapidly to clear my vision so I can see that perfect little face. The beanie that covers her head slips off, revealing a head full of strawberry blond hair and again, I gasp. "She looks exactly like Anna." And instantly, the moment becomes bittersweet.

Tears of joy, of love and elation turn to tears of sadness and fear as our daughter's head settles back into my chest and I realise how wrong all of this is. "It wasn't supposed to happen like this." I whimper, rocking back and forth in my seat. "Anna was supposed-supposed to be the first to-to hold her. We-we're meant to be doing this together, holding each other, I was supposed to be by her side!"

Gerda crouches by my chair, tissues in her hand as she wipes my tears away for me. "Sometimes, things don't always go the way we planned them." She says with a sigh. "All we can do right now is remain positive and hold onto that hope." Her hand settles on my back, rubbing soothingly. "Remember, it is always darkest before the dawn."

I hiccup and nod, "Before the dawn." I repeat, over and over I say those words, like a mantra or a prayer, "Before the dawn. Before the dawn." The baby begins to wriggle around again, her head moving from side to side as she sniffs loudly.

"I think someone might be hungry." Gerda observes with a smile, "Why don't you change her nappy whilst I get a bottle ready?" She suggests.

"I-I I've never changed a nappy before…" I murmur as a wave of shame rushes over me, and I realise how inadequate I am. Isn't all of this stuff supposed to be innate for a woman? Second nature? This is all the stuff that you know, Anna, not me, you were going to teach me how to be a good mum and now I find myself feeling foolish and incompetent and I really wish I'd taken a parenting class or two.

Instead of laughing or judging me, Gerda simply stands and helps lift the baby from my chest. "Here, let me show you." She says as she places our daughter back in her crib and fetches a nappy from the small stash stored below.

"First, you make sure you have everything you need within reach, nappies, wipes, cream and a spare change of clothes for the baby. Then, you open the nappy like this," She instructs unfolding the diaper. "Next, you undo these two little grip tabs here and hold both of her feet in one hand and use the other to roll the dirty nappy up under the baby's bottom. Now you use the wipes to clean her up, apply cream if needed and then you can just throw the used diaper in the bin." Gerda makes it look so easy, and I'm just standing here hoping I remember everything and don't put the diaper on backwards. "Next, you lift her bottom and place a clean nappy underneath with the grip tabs on the back, fit the front in place like so and do it up just like this." She finishes, smiling triumphantly. "And there you have it, a clean baby."

Gerda wraps her in the blanket again and then lifts her from her cot, her little arms squirming, her body wriggling as she opens her mouth and wails. "She certainly has a good set of lungs on her." She chuckles and indicates for me to take a seat again.

I can't help but laugh too, "She takes after her mother." I agree, you've always the loud one of the two of us, volume control isn't exactly a strength of yours. Our daughter is placed in my arms again, her little eyes scrunched up with her limbs flailing about whilst Gerda fetches a bottle. She comes back just moments later, the feed all made up and ready to go.

She hands me the bottle and after a few moments of furious searching, our baby's lips finally wrap around the teat and she begins to suck. Her cries slow and then almost immediately stop as she suckles, her lips making the cutest little smacking sounds and I can't help but sigh in disappointment. "Anna was so excited to breastfeed." I explain lowly, "It was one of the things she was looking forward to most, that first feed, that first bonding moment she would have." My chin begins to tremble, and I wonder if I have any tears left to cry.

"Would you like a few moments alone?" Gerda asks softly, her hand now resting on my shoulder and I nod. "Okay, I'll come back to check on you in a few minutes and if there's an update on Anna, I'll send them straight in, alright?"

She hands me a cloth for burping as I nod again, "Thank you."

The moment that door closes, it hits me just how alone I am. Everything feels so foreign, so out of place, it just doesn't seem real. It still feels like one really vivid dream and all I want to do is wake up and find myself back in our bed with you sleeping peacefully by my side.

I look down at our daughter and again, I find myself in awe of just how perfect she is. She has the cutest little button nose, plump red lips, with chubby arms and chubby legs and ten perfect little fingers and ten perfect little toes. She has me enamoured, just like you did all those years ago.

One of her arms escapes the cloth and reaches up, those tiny little fingers unfurling as they grasp the air before finding my finger and wrapping tightly around it. My breath hitches, my chest expands and fills with a warmth I would have never believed possible right now. I tilt my head down until my nose is resting on her head and breathe in deeply. Her scent makes me smile, it's intoxicating and leaves me breathless. "I love you." I whisper and press my lips against her forehead.

A line from a children's book I once read pops into my head and my throat closes up again. "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be."

After a while, the doors to the NICU open again and Gerda reappears with a man by her side. "Elsa, this is Doctor Kai, he is the neonatal specialist and he wants to do another check-up on your baby so we can assess if she's well enough to be moved into the nursery." She explains.

Doctor Kai gives me a warm smile before turning his attention to the now sleeping baby in my arms. "Congratulations," He begins, "Have we got a name for this little one, yet?"

I shake my head, "No, I was waiting for-" I freeze, unable to finish my sentence and the doctor just nods in understanding.

"Okay, well, we'll just call her baby Frost, for now. I can see she's taken to the bottle well, any problems feeding?" He asks, turning to Gerda.

"No," She replies, "She took to the bottle like a pro."

Kai nods again and holds out his hands. "May I?" He asks and I kiss our daughter's forehead once more before handing her over and passing the now empty bottle to Gerda.

Kai places her back down in her crib, unwrapping the blankets as he reaches for his stethoscope and begins checking our daughter's lungs. He relays information to Gerda as he goes, the woman writing everything down on the baby's chart.

I watch with concern, she seems fine, perfect, in fact, but I'm not a medical professional and I really have absolutely no clue when it comes to babies so I'm feeling more than a little anxious and I just hope that everything is okay.

I don't know how long it takes for Kai to complete his checks, I begin to zone out, my mind wandering back to you, alone on that table with machines and specialists and surgeons all doing everything they can to save your life.

I have to close my eyes for a moment and just breathe because I've always had an overactive imagination and the images in my mind right now are not ones I want to be seeing at all. Darkest before the dawn, I remind myself, trying to find that tiny ray of hope again. Just before the dawn.

I'm brought out of my thoughts when Kai wraps the baby up again and hangs his stethoscope back around his shoulders. "All done." He announces, pulling a face at our daughter who is sleeping soundly once again – she's so much like you– before turning to me. "I'm really happy with how she is doing, her lungs sound great, I can't detect any heart murmurs and everything else is completely normal for a newborn. I think we can skip the nursery and send her straight home." He beams confidently and tickles the baby's stomach. "She'll need a hearing check and I'd like to do one last assessment of her before she leaves, but she appears to be in perfect health. You're very lucky." He adds, patting me on the shoulder before leaving.

Lucky is the last thing I feel right now. Lucky would mean you were standing right here beside me, it would have been you teaching me how to change a nappy, you feeding our daughter for the first time. I don't feel lucky at all.

"Thank you, Kai." Gerda says warmly as the doctor gives a curt nod before leaving the room.

"Any word on Anna, yet?" I ask hesitantly, it's been hours now and the more time that passes, the more worried I become, the more I begin to panic and the more my anxiety grows.

Gerda's smile drops as she shakes her head. "I'm sorry, no, I haven't heard anything, but I promise you will be the first person I come to as soon as I do." Her hand comes to rest on my back, rubbing up and down for a moment. "I did just see Anna's parents in the waiting room though, Kristoff told them about the baby and they're keen to meet her. How would you feel if we moved the two of you into a private room so the rest of the family can meet her?"

I can picture your family in my mind's eye, Kristoff holding Iduna as she cries whilst Agnarr paces back and forth restlessly. My heart breaks for them and my anxiety rises even further. What if they blame me? What if they ask why I wasn't there? What do I say to them? Are they going to be upset? Angry? And then my thoughts inevitably turn back to you. Anna shouldn't be the last to meet her own daughter! That thought makes me angrier than any other because it just isn't fair! Everything is so wrong, and I don't know how to fix it to make it right!

"Okay." I manage to croak.

"Great, let me just get a few things sorted so that no one thinks she's just rolled right on out of here and I'll be back in a jiffy." Gerda says, trying to lighten the mood and soothe the worry she obviously sees in my eyes.

True to her word, Gerda is back not long after and transfers our daughter from the neonatal crib to a smaller cot on wheels. She then leads me out of the room and down a set of corridors. "Anna's family is already in there waiting for you and I know they could do with a little ray of sunshine during this testing time."

I feel as though I have suddenly been punched in the gut. I gasp and freeze as I choke around the thick lump in my throat.

"I'm sorry," Gerda begins, noticing my inner turmoil, "Was it something I said?"

I steady my breaths as my eyes slip closed. "That's- that's what I used to call Anna… 'my little ray of sunshine.'"

The older woman is by my side instantly, with her arm wrapped around my shoulders. "I'm sorry." She apologises, "I'm so sorry."

I allow myself to be held by her for a few seconds before sucking in a deep breath and straightening back up. Conceal, don't feel, don't let it show. I repeat to myself, the old mantra I used to use when I was a child and wanted to hide my struggles from my parents.

Gerda gives my shoulder a reassuring squeeze before she lets go of me entirely and leads me on. Every step forward is harder than the last, my stomach is twisting and turning and it's taking everything I have not to turn my back and just run, sprint away from this pain, away from this torturous limbo I'm in. The only thing keeping me going is the small plastic cot in my hands and the tiny little newborn sleeping inside it.

My feet feel heavy, my body is like lead. My head is pounding, my eyes sting and I'm exhausted beyond words. I don't want to face this thing alone; I don't want to face it at all. All I want is to wake up from this bad dream and hold you in my arms again and never let go.

"Just in here." Gerda says after another minute and stops outside an open door.

My heart races, hands shake as I stumble forward and push the cot into the room. All three heads turn instantly. Your mum is crying, your dad looks more stressed than I have ever seen him, and Kristoff is just sitting on a bed, staring at the wall with a blank expression on his face. Then, Iduna rushes forward, and I'm wrapped up in a hug so fierce, it's almost as if it's coming from you.

All my fears about what they were going to say or how they would react melt away the moment your mum wraps her arms around me, of course, I was overreacting again. She holds me so tight; I can barely breathe, and I'm terrified of her letting go. I can feel her tears staining my shirt, just as I know mine are soaking hers too and suddenly, I don't feel quite as alone anymore.

We sway from side to side, the sound of our shared grief echoes about the room until another cry joins the fray and we break apart and look down at the baby no longer sleeping in her cot. I reach down with both hands, carefully cradling her head and body as I lift her into my arms. "It's a girl." I rasp softly.

"Oh, Elsa." Iduna croons as both Agnarr and Kristoff huddle around us. "She looks just like Anna."

I find a teary smile and nod, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

"She's perfect." Agnarr agrees and places a supportive hand on my shoulder.

"Would you like a hold?" I ask your mother and she hesitates for no more than a second before nodding and holding her arms out. The exchange is a little clumsy, I really have no idea how this is supposed to work, but Iduna has had more than enough practice and is much more confident with handling a newborn than I am.

She walks over to the nearby chair and sits herself down, shifting her hold until the baby is resting in her lap with a hand supporting her head as she traces the lines of our daughter's face with her fingertips. "She has your nose, Elsa." She croons softly, "And your long fingers, maybe she'll be a pianist like you?"

I stand beside my mother-in-law and gaze down at our daughter, her eyes are open as she looks around, trying to focus on the faces in front of her. "Given how forceful her kicks were, I'm more inclined to believe she's going to be sporty like Anna."

"Does she have a name?" Kristoff interjects, moving closer as he reaches out and strokes her head tenderly.

"No, not yet." I shake my head, "Anna and I discussed names, but never really settled on one. We wanted to wait until she was here first and now none of the names we picked quite seem to fit."

"Don't worry." Agnarr chimes in, "It took us three days to come up with a name for Anna. The sonographer thought she was a boy, and it was only after she was born that we realised they were wrong. We hadn't even discussed girl's names, so it threw us for a bit of a loop."

"I can imagine." I agree softly, allowing the conversation to die off, I just don't have the mental capacity to keep it going, to keep talking anymore. I just want to know if you're okay and if you'll be out of surgery any time soon.

Your family begins to talk amongst themselves as I withdraw, and my focus turns back to you. It's been far too many hours now since I got that call and still no one can tell me what's going on and I'm trying to stay positive, I'm trying not to give up hope but every second that passes makes it harder and harder for me to keep that positivity going.

Gerda later reappears with a fresh bottle and clean cloth and a bag full of nappy supplies. My hands shake as she passes them to me, that self-doubt and feeling of inadequacy rearing its ugly head again. "You've got this, Elsa." She murmurs under her breath so that only I can hear. "Don't doubt yourself so much. It'll give you grey hairs." She flashes me a smile and then leaves the room and I just stand there for a few moments, feeling very much like a fish out of water.

"Perfect timing." Iduna comments and I jump, too lost in my own thoughts to remember there are other people around. "She's just started fussing." She smiles and stands before walking over to the empty crib and gently placing the baby down. "Do you mind if I change her?" Iduna asks almost timidly, and I can tell by the tone of her voice how important this is for her because she knows, just like I do, that if you don't pull through, this baby is all we'll have left of you and so we both hold onto her as a way of holding onto you.

I reach into the bag and pull out a clean nappy, "Be my guest." I offer and finish pulling out all of the supplies. I reach into the cot and tenderly stroke our daughter's head, revelling in the softness of her hair and warmth of her skin.

"Anna's hair was the exact same colour when she was born." Your mother notes as she changes the nappy like a pro and I secretly watch from above, learning through observation. "She just had a little less of it." I chuckle softly at the image that comes to mind and make a mental note to ask to see your baby photos again when all of this is over, and we can finally go home. "There, all clean." Iduna announces and then lifts the baby and passes her back to me.

"You don't want to feed her?" I ask, it's not that I don't want to, but I can see how much she's craving the closeness and bond with her granddaughter.

My mother-in-law shakes her head and smiles and there's a look of mutual understanding in her eyes. "No," She begins, "There's plenty of time for me to feed her later on down the track. And something tells me her mother needs her just as much as she needs her mother." Iduna steps forward and wraps an arm around my waist before pressing a kiss to the top of my forehead.

I sigh deeply and can feel my emotions running high again. Fresh tears well in my eyes and I have to keep blinking rapidly to keep them at bay. "Boys," Iduna addresses Kristoff and Agnarr who had been sitting restlessly on the edge of the nearby bed. "Elsa and I could do with a coffee, do you mind picking some up from the café, please?"

Whilst she currently has her back to me, there must have been something reflected in Iduna's eyes because both men stand instantly and leave the room in a rush. I watch as her shoulders jerk in a silent chuckle before she turns back to me and her expression shifts again. She pulls a second chair over and seats herself next to me, resting her hand on my knee as she watches her granddaughter feed.

She must have known exactly where my mind was because her next words cut straight through my heart. "Your mum would have been so proud of you, Elsa. So proud." Iduna states fiercely and that hand leaves my knee and settles around my shoulders instead. Those tears that I was holding in before, suddenly burst free and I sob, loud and harsh and without restraint. "And I know how hard this must be for you, not having her here, but she would have been absolutely beaming with pride if she could have seen you now."

I drop my head, holding our daughter closer than before, trying to find comfort in her as I would always find comfort in you. "I m-miss her s-so much." My parents died when I was just eighteen, killed in a boating accident and I really struggled to cope with their passing. If I didn't have you by my side, I know I wouldn't have made it through. The moment we found out that we were pregnant, I wanted to run straight into my mother's arms and tell her the news, share our elation with her, and it killed me when I realised she would never know.

There have been times where I have felt lost and afraid, when I felt like I was doing everything wrong and all I wanted was to turn to my mum for advice, but I couldn't. And right now it feels like my world is crumbling around me and the two people I would turn to for support are the ones that I can't reach.

"I know you do." Iduna whispers softly, pressing a kiss to my temple as she holds me tight. "I miss her too." She doesn't say anything else, she knows me too well, knows that words won't bring me the comfort I seek, that they will only make me pull away and retreat further inside myself. So instead, she just holds me and rocks and begins to sing a lullaby under her breath.

"Where the north wind, meets the sea. There's a mother, full of memory. Come my darling, homeward bound. When all is lost, then all is found."

The song only serves to make me cry harder, for all that pain, that grief to come rushing back as the weight of it crushes me. When I was a kid, I was really sick, so sick, that some days I couldn't even open my eyes let alone get out of bed. My mum used to come into my room and lay by my side, stroking my head as she sang that lullaby. It always brought me comfort and now, all I feel is a void. A gaping hole in my chest where my heart used to be. I miss my parents more than I could ever have imagined and the thought of losing you too and feeling this loss all over again, brings me insurmountable pain.

I have no idea how Iduna is staying as strong as she is, if this is the way I'm feeling, it must be so much worse for her. You're her daughter, she has to be in agony and yet, here she is, trying to comfort and reassure me, when she needs that comfort and reassurance herself. I guess that's where you get it from, your strength and bravery, your positive outlook and endless optimism because you are just like your mum, Anna. She was the one that taught you to look for the light within the dark and I can only hope that I find a way to do the same.

It was one of the many things about you that I fell in love with. Your strength, your stubbornness and determination. When we first met, there were so many things stopping us from becoming friends. So many hurdles and road blocks and it would have been so easy for you to just walk away, to turn your back and shut that door. But you didn't. Those hurdles were merely stepping stones for you and instead of letting them get in between us, you just found a way around them. You didn't even know me and you were so young, anyone else would have just accepted that it was impossible and moved on, but right from the start, you fought. You fought for someone you didn't even know and continued that fight for me long after we became friends.

You fought when I couldn't, found strength I didn't have. You believed in me when I had given up, persevered when everything seemed impossible. I wouldn't be sitting here, cradling our newborn daughter if it weren't for you. You gave me life when I had already given up. You have made me a better person and I will forever cherish you for that.

You have always been the positive one, that person that can find the smallest light in the oppressive dark. You took life as it came, never fought against it, you simply adapted and found new ways of living. No matter how hard things got, you kept going. "Just do the next right thing." That's what you'd always tell me. When the future seemed bleak, you would look ahead and find the next step, whereas I was always ready to walk away.

When my parents died and I couldn't even find the strength to get up, that's what you told me to do, the next right thing. If you hadn't been there, I would have never made it to their funeral, I would have stayed at home, locked away in my room, with my head in my hands wanting nothing more than to give up. I really need you right now, need your voice telling me to stay strong, your arms and your love and everything else. I need you by my side.

The return of the boys makes us both jump, the little bubble we created pops as they walk in. "Any news?" Agnarr asks, his expression worried and voice strained, and we simply shake our heads, there's nothing more to say.

"We got you some chocolate chip muffins too." Kristoff says, holding a paper bag in his hands.

"Thanks." I croak, I can't even remember the last time I ate, my dinner is still sitting in my car. Not that I feel at all hungry and my appetite is nowhere to be seen, but I can feel my stomach making its presence known and my head is growing foggy.

Agnarr puts the coffees down on the little table at the end of the bed and walks back over to me. He reaches out and softly strokes our daughter's head, his smile bittersweet. "Would you like to hold your granddaughter?" I ask him and see his eyes brighten.

"I would love to." He responds and carefully lifts her from my arms.

Immediately I feel empty, and I don't know what to do with my hands, so I just wrap them around myself as I watch him take a seat on the bed and admire his first grandchild. He looks so proud as he lifts her and kisses her cheek, his eyes filled with pride and overwhelming love and once again I find myself feeling cheated. These are supposed to be some of the happiest moments of our lives, filled with joy and celebration. Instead, we're all walking on eggshells, our emotions fraying, our hearts hurting because this is all so bittersweet. There's supposed to be tears of joy and elation, not tears of sadness and pain. We're supposed to be smiling and happy and taking photos and making memories but all I want to do is forget today and just go back. Go back to when you were still pregnant, back to when we were together, before I left for work. Back to your arms around my waist and your lips pressing against mine as you do your best to make me late for work.

I pick up my coffee and a muffin from the table. My throat is dry and sore, and I really have no interest in eating and whilst I'm sure the chocolate is delectable, it has absolutely no appeal to me. I begin to pick at the food, but it just isn't bringing me any satisfaction. Everything tastes bland and I'm really only eating because I know I have to, because I need some sort of sustenance for when you finally come out of theatre and need me by your side.

I manage to force myself to eat half the muffin before I give up, all it's doing is making me feel sicker than I already do. My foot jiggles restlessly as my anxiety grows, I don't cope well when things are out of my control, when I don't know what will happen next. I need that control, it gives me a sense of security, of safety and right now I feel like I'm running headfirst into the unknown and I have no idea what it has install for me. Unable to take it any longer, I stand, placing my coffee back down on the table as I start to pace.

The minutes feel like days and time just seems to be dragging. Every second that passes just adds to my worry. You should be out of surgery by now, we should have at least been given an update on your condition and the fact that we haven't just makes me all the more concerned. I can't do what you do, I can't look into the future and see that light, when I try to imagine what our future holds, all I can see is black. Nothingness. An empty chasm of never-ending darkness and until I get to hold you in my arms again, that's all I'll ever see.

I look at our daughter and I feel disconnected. Empty and distant. It just doesn't feel real. And I know she's mine, she's our daughter, but I guess it hasn't quite sunk in yet and I keep expecting Gerda to come back and take her away, thanking me for babysitting someone else's child. I love her, I do, and I feel it on some level when I look at her, but I can also feel myself pulling away from her because she is so much like you and right now that just hurts too much.

I wrap my arms around myself as I continue to pace back and forth, my shoulders are bunched up, my back hunched and my muscles ache from the tension in my body. "God, what is taking so long!" I groan out of frustration, of the mounting stress and anxiety that seems to grow exponentially with every second that passes. "Surely, she would have been out of surgery by now!"

"I don't know." Iduna replies worriedly, standing as she walks over to me and pulls me into a hug, intentionally stopping my erratic pacing. "But no news is good news, right?"

"How?" I question, shaking as I grip your mother tight "How is no news ever a good thing?"

"Because it means she's still alive." Kristoff interjects and I look up to see our baby being placed in his arms. "Because it means that Anna's still fighting, that there's still a chance that she'll make it through. If there wasn't, they would have come to us by now."

I know I should be feeling reassured by their words, that they should bring me some comfort and hope, but remaining positive has never been a strength of mine and really, it's just making me irritated and annoyed because I just can't see it and I just want this all to be over. I'm a realist, never the optimist and I've always struggled to see things the way your family does.

Then, a voice carries over the din and my heart freezes in my chest.

"Elsa Frost?" It's a woman I haven't met yet, maybe a doctor or surgeon. She's dressed in scrubs with her hair tied up in a bun and a surgical mask hanging loosely around her neck and I just... know.

"Anna…"

The woman sighs, her chin dropping as she shakes her head. "I'm so sorry."

Everything just… freezes. Time comes to a complete standstill and I gasp. This crushing weight settles on my chest, compressing my lungs, suffocating me and I feel like I'm running out of air. My breath stutters, each inhalation sharper than the last until the pain becomes so unbearable that I can't breathe at all. "No…" I whimper, my head shaking, body trembling as the world around me spins.

The room begins to swim in and out of focus, the woman's voice fading into the background. There's a ringing in my ears that just keeps getting louder and louder until it's deafening and all I want to do is scream.

The walls seem to be closing in around me, the air thick and heavy. "Injuries… catastrophic… blood loss…" Are the only words that permeate the noise in my head. "Everything we could…"

My world comes crashing down and I fall to my knees. "No!" I gasp, my voice raspy and haggard as I repeat that same word over and over and over again until it loses all meaning. "Anna!"

A pair of arms wraps around me, but they bring me no comfort. All that I can feel, is an immeasurable anguish, this excruciating agony and I can't do anything but scream and I have never felt such torture before.

A sudden wave of nausea washes over me and I race to the bathroom, locking the door behind me. I heave violently, the pain too much to bear. I gasp, panting as I shift from my knees until my back is resting against the wall. My hands snake their way into my hair, and I yank at the strands, my body shaking violently as I try to relieve the pressure. The pain is all-encompassing, and I scream, over and over because if I don't, I feel like I'll implode.

I bury my head in my arms, rocking back and forth as I sob harshly. Each breath is like a knife to the heart, stabbing me repeatedly as my lungs constrict and I feel like I will never breathe again.

Everything suddenly looks so bleak, so cold and unforgiving. I've seen dark before, but not like this. This is cold, and empty and numb. Everything feels wrong, broken, shattered beyond repair and I really don't care what happens beyond this moment. I don't care if I never leave this room, I don't care if I never take another breath!

The life I knew is over… I'm all alone. The only star that guided me was you.

I feel so lost without you, like I can't find my direction, can't tell which way is up or down. You're my true north, my only landmark, the compass that guides me through the thickest of woods and I can't find my way through them on my own. This grief, has a gravity, and it pulls me down. I can feel the darkness encroaching upon me, drowning me, suffocating me; the lights are out and I'm ready to succumb.

I know I need to get up, to walk out that door and face the reality that awaits me in that room, but I just can't find the strength to unfurl myself. How can I rise from the floor, when it's not you, I'm rising for? I ask myself, my head buried in my hands. What's the point in getting up if it's not for you, if you're not going to be there to hold me, to love me and get me through this?

I have a choice to make, I know that, and I know I can't stay locked in here forever; I can't run like I so desperately want to. I have a child now, someone who needs me, relies on me, I have a responsibility to her to keep going, but I really just don't know how.

And that's when I hear it, your voice, it whispers in my mind… "You are lost, Elsa and it feels like hope is gone, but you must go on." You tell me and I try to focus on that, to focus on your voice and find that strength within. "Just do the next right thing."

I use the sink as leverage as I haul my body up and take a moment to steady myself, to find my bearings, because the world is still spinning out of control and I can't tell up from down anymore. "Take a step." You tell me. "Step again." And I follow, I have to, it is all that I can do.

"The next right thing." I affirm under my breath.

I approach the door, my harsh sobs echoing around the tiny room, reverberating off the tiled walls and floor. I reach for the knob and it hits me… I will never get to see you again. How am I supposed to face tomorrow? When that sun rises and you're not there? What do I do then? When it's clear that everything will never be the same again?

So, I make that choice, to hear your voice and do the next right thing.

I open that door and all heads turn to me as I step over the threshold. I stand tall, my hands clenched into fists by my side as I close my eyes and swallow. "I want to see her."

"I don't think-" The woman begins, and I open my eyes and pin her with my gaze.

"I need to see her." I state again, fierce determination set upon my face; I won't take 'no' for an answer.

The woman looks shocked but hides it under a veil of stoicism before nodding. "Alright." She agrees. "Just a moment please."

I walk over to Kristoff and my newborn baby, taking her from his arms as I ignore the look of disbelief in his eyes.

I stand by the door, shaking, knowing that every eye in the room is on me. "Don't try and stop me." I command as I hear a pair of shoes approaching. "I have to do this, and I don't care what anybody thinks, I have to see her with my own eyes."

Those feet start moving again until they're right behind me and a trembling hand comes to rest on my shoulder. It's your mother. "Do you-" she pauses, her voice trembling, I can feel her breath puffing against my neck. "Do you want me to come with you?"

"No." I respond sternly, not looking back, I can't. I have to keep my eyes fixed firmly on the doorway before me because I know the moment I take a breath, my resolve will crumble, and I need to do this. I need to see you, I won't accept this, won't be able to move on if I don't.

Iduna's hand leaves my shoulder, and she steps back, a sob building in her throat as she rushes over to her husband and son and is instantly wrapped in their arms. And once again, it hits me. How alone I am. They are your family, not mine. They have each other and the one thing that brought us together, is now the thing that divides us. You.

I feel it more now, the isolation. The physical distance between us. They have each other to lean on, to share their grief with, but I'm left standing here alone, with only our daughter, that I can't bear to look at, for comfort.

"Elsa," The woman in scrubs has returned, and I jump when she says my name, too lost in my own thoughts to notice her presence. "We're ready."

I hear your mum gasp harshly, your father's agonising wail. I can feel all eyes on me as I take a breath and follow.

The hall feels longer than it is, narrow and foreboding. Every step drains me, each one harder than the last. But I don't look back, I can't. I keep my eyes forward, my back straight as I battle against the emotions in my mind.

She leads me down another corridor and I freeze. The walls are lined with nurses and doctors and an array of other medical staff. Their heads are bowed, their hands folded in front of them. They form a pathway leading to a single room to the left. The blinds are drawn, the door closed, and I stumble, knowing what awaits me in there.

My feet carry me forward involuntarily and I feel like the walls are closing in on me. I look down to the ground, the image before me is too overwhelming to face and I know if I look into the eyes of any one of those people, I'll break and I need to stay strong, to get myself through that door.

I come to a stop as I reach the threshold, a man blocks my path. "She fought hard." He says, squeezing my shoulder and pinning me with a look of sympathy. "I'm sorry." He bows his head and steps aside, his hand reaching for the handle and then, the door swings open.

I inhale sharply as the world spins and my vision zeros in on the bed resting in the middle of the room. "No!" I cry and feel as though I've been shot, straight through the heart. It's so hard to breathe, there's this gaping hole in my chest where my heart used to be and the agony of it annihilates me.

I stumble forward, gripping the bundle in my arms tightly and jump when the door behind me suddenly shuts.

Your eyes are closed, your body still, a thick bandage is wrapped around your head and I pretend I don't see the blood that stains it. Your chest doesn't move, and no matter how hard I look, not a single breath leaves your lips.

I want to look away, but I can't take my eyes off you. I want to turn and run and leave this all behind, but my feet only carry me forward. "Anna." I whisper, my hand shaking as I reach out and pull the lone chair closer to your bed.

My chin begins to quiver, my lungs feel as though they are being squeezed so tight, I'll never breathe again and then, I just… shatter.

My head drops as I reach for you, holding your hand tightly in my own as I sob. Loud and without restraint, my world comes crashing down. The pain is like nothing I have ever felt before, unimaginable, and absolute agony and for a moment, I wish I were the one laying there, but then I think of you in this chair, holding the daughter I'll never get to meet, and I change my mind; I would never wish this hell upon you.

"Anna!" Is the next trembling word that leaves my lips, full of heartbreak and anguish followed by a broken, "No," when my tears drop and fall on your chest and your hand doesn't reach up to wipe them away.

You lay there, pale and limp, the warmth that once brought insurmountable comfort has faded and your skin is almost as cold as my heart in this moment.

"It was never meant to happen like this." I cry and lift our baby to my shoulder, breathing in her scent in the hope she'll smell like you. "Not now, not..." My voice breaks, my heart cracking under the weight of this grief. "I don't know how to do this." I admit through my tears, "This is supposed to be the best day of our lives, but I can't find the strength to feel anything other than pain."

"We were supposed to grow old together, Anna!" I wail, my hands shaking as an image of us flits into my mind. "Aged and grey with lines marring our faces. We were supposed to have a future ahead of us, we had dreams, plans! More kids, grandkids! And now..." My head drops, I just can't go on.

"I should have been there! I should have been at that appointment! I should have been by your side! And I wasn't and, and... fuck!" I scream, guilt and anger override the grief for a moment and stand and begin pacing back and forth as the pain continues to mount. "I've always been so aware of my own mortality, but I never... I never spared a thought for yours!" The head on my shoulder moves, lifts as a tiny face scrunches and a wail escapes her lips. "Shh, shh, it's okay, I got you." I whisper against her forehead and cradle her in my arms again, rocking as I whimper.

"She's beautiful, Anna." I tell you and the smallest of smiles tugs at my lips as I trace her face with my fingers. "She has your eyes and your hair, and we already know she has your spunk… god, she looks so much like you." I sigh regrettably, turning my gaze to you. I walk back to your side and take my place in the chair beside your bed. "I'm so sorry, Anna. So sorry that you'll never get to meet her, that she'll never hear your voice from your lips, will never know the warmth of your embrace or just how bright your smile was or how much love you would have given her, but I promise you, god, I promise you," I continue, my voice growing stronger, resolute, "I promise she'll know who you are. She will know the infinite love you had for her. I'll tell her about your smile and hugs and how happy she made you. Our daughter may never get to meet you-" my voice quivers again as I choke on my tears, "but I promise she will know you."

For a while, all I can do is clutch you and cry, the grief too much to bear. This agony is unlike anything I've ever known. The weight of your loss is so strong, it's physical and has me begging for death. I can't control my tears, can't quieten the sobs, I just gasp, over and over and still feel like I haven't taken a breath. It's like someone has my lungs in their hands and they're squeezing them so tight, they can't expand, no matter how deeply I inhale.

"I can still remember that very first day I saw you." I croak, my tears still rolling down my cheeks, I don't even have the strength to wipe them away. "God, I was so sick." I give a sigh and shake my head as I shift and place our daughter on your chest, tucking the blankets around you both as she squirms and then settles into the crook of your neck "I lived in a kingdom of isolation, imprisoned in my own home. I couldn't go out, couldn't play, I was stuck inside constantly.

"I used to be a normal child, I used to have friends. I went to school and had playdates and sleepovers and then, everything changed. I started getting sick all the time. I was always tired and pale, I bruised so easily, and my weight began to drop dramatically. My parents took me to the doctor and at first, they just thought I was anaemic, but the bloods showed something else. I went back for more testing, more blood drawn, x-rays and CT scans and then they took marrow from my hip.

"I was eight when I got the diagnosis. Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia." I know you know all this already, but talking to you is helping, reminiscing, and reliving the past is keeping my mind off the present and in a way, it's keeping you alive in my head. I could almost just pretend that you're sleeping or in a coma, anything is better than the truth and right now, it's what I need to keep myself from falling down that rabbit hole and following your fate.

"I was in hospital for over a month after that, taking steroids, targeted medication, receiving chemo. I was so excited when I finally got to go home. My parents tried to keep my life as normal as they could, I attended school on my better days, still hung out with my friends, but then one day I caught a cold, and my world was turned upside down.

"That cold became pneumonia and I started struggling to breathe. I was raced to hospital, gasping for air. Fluid had pooled on my lungs and I was drowning from the inside out. I was given intravenous antibiotics and placed on oxygen, but it wasn't enough. I was getting worse by the minute and they had no choice but to intubate me. I came so close to death and my parents feared the worst. But I pulled through. Somehow, I made it, but things were never the same after that. I was pulled out of school, kept at home where I was safe and protected from any germs.

"Years went by and I was still fighting my disease. I had watched so many other children come and go, from the moment they received their diagnosis, to the day they left in remission, cancer free. Yet I was still there, still just as sick as I was the day I got my diagnosis and none of the specialists knew why.

"The isolation became all I knew. Day after day, was spent inside, reading, studying, playing music. If the weather were warm enough, I'd be allowed in the backyard to play, but never with other kids, it just wasn't worth the risk.

"I think I always knew on some level that my parents were being overprotective, overly cautious. The other kids with cancer were still allowed out, they still had friends and fun and made memories with the people they loved. But my parents let fear rule their hearts, and it became their enemy. They were so terrified of what could possibly happen, that they felt the sacrifice they made by keeping me isolated was worth it if it meant I was still alive. But even with the protective bubble they had created for me, my condition continued to worsen. I wasn't responding to treatment and things were looking pretty grim. My health was on a downward spiral, the cancer had spread, and I was losing hope.

"Then, you moved in next door." I feel my lips turning upwards, a brief warmth filling my chest.

"I still remember that day as if it were only yesterday. I'd just gone through another round of chemo and had spent the whole morning in bed with a bucket by my side. I was in so much pain, everything ached, my head was pounding, and the light was far too bright." In my mind's eye I can still see myself, curled up in a ball, feeling like death and wishing for it all to end. A scared little girl, alone and afraid, I just wanted to give up. "That's when the truck pulled up and I heard it; your laugh. You were squealing with excitement, clapping your hands, and singing and I was drawn to you.

"The sound of your joy tugged at me and I moved to my window. I sat there on that bench and watched, enraptured by you. It was like we were magnets; you were the positive to my negative and I was drawn to you.

"You were so beautiful, so full of joy and energy. You were such a rambunctious child, and I was enthralled. I watched as you helped take boxes inside, carrying more than your little arms could handle, but you were determined and stubborn, so, so stubborn, you wouldn't let anyone help. You were impatient too, and restless." I pause for a moment and chuckle at the memory, "You were so different to me, yet I felt like we were one of the same."

"Watching you became my ritual. You were always outside, kicking a ball with your brother, running around, climbing trees, and scraping your knees, but no injury ever slowed you down. I so desperately longed to be out there with you, playing, laughing, burning energy I just didn't have. But I couldn't. The slightest illness could have been catastrophic for me and with winter fast approaching, I couldn't take the risk.

"I envied you. Envied the life you had, how carefree and happy you were. I lived vicariously through you. Your joy brought me joy, your smile and laughter were infectious. I would wait by my window every single morning, just so I could catch a glimpse of you as you left for school, then I'd do the same each afternoon when you got home. You were always outside, and I loved that, even when it was raining you were out there, all rugged up in your thick jacket and gumboots. You'd jump in puddles and splash until you were soaked through, then you'd traipse mud all through the house and I'd be able to hear your mum yelling at you to clean it up.

"I hated it when you had to go inside, when night fell, or your dinner was ready. I can't even begin to express how lonely and isolated I felt when you weren't there. You see, the cancer may have been the one threatening my life, but it was the loneliness that was slowly killing me. But watching you gave me hope, it gave me something to look forward to, a tiny ray of sunlight, shining through the darkest of clouds, and you still didn't even know I existed.

"Then the day came that changed my life forever."

I lift your hand to my lips, kissing it softly as I smile in remembrance. "It was the first snowfall of winter; I was asleep when your scream woke me up. I thought you were hurt, it was so loud, I was terrified, but I ran to that window and instead of seeing you broken or bleeding, I saw you light up from within and I found the thing we most had in common; our love of snow.

"I can't even find the words to express just how luminous you were that day. Your smile was so bright, it could have lit up the darkest of rooms. You were glowing and your delight was so genuine, it hurt to watch. That was the first time I'd ever felt truly jealous of you." I sigh in regret and dip my head. "I'd always longed to be out there, and I'd envied your freedom, but I'd always felt happy watching you, content living through you, and this was the first time it truly brought me pain.

"I loved the snow, adored it, there was just something about it that seemed so magical to me and there I was, sitting at my window trapped behind four walls and glass, wanting nothing more than to be out there with you… instead of you. It was also the first time I wished my illness upon someone else. Not that I wanted you to be sick-" I quickly amend "-I'd never wish that upon anyone, I just wanted to… trade places, just for a day, just so I could remember what it felt like to have fun for once.

"It hurt my heart to watch as you stood there with a smile stretching from ear to ear, the snow almost reaching your knees. You squealed and giggled as you picked up fistfuls of powder, throwing them up with your bare hands until your mum came out and forced a pair of gloves on you, only for you to throw them aside the moment she walked back in the house. You ran around, leaping from place to place to see if you could jump higher than the piles of snow. Then you stopped and I watched as you threw your arms out wide, closed your eyes, and fell back before moving them back and forth in an arc, making angels as you laughed.

"You were having so much fun and I was hurting so much, but I still couldn't pull myself away. I had to keep watching, despite how much it ached. Then you began rolling the snow into balls and I felt my smile drop. You made three spheres, each one smaller than the next and soon you had created the goofiest, most perfectly imperfect looking snowman I had ever seen.

"I began to cry, I wanted to run from that window and throw myself on my bed, but something kept me there, something told me to stay, to keep watching and so I did. You had just picked up another handful of snow, presumably to make another snowman and then, you suddenly stopped. I don't know what it was that made you freeze, but you did, and your head whipped to the side and that's when you saw me. Our eyes met and yours locked onto mine. I gasped and quickly ducked out of sight, hiding behind the wall. My heart was pounding, you'd caught me, and I was frozen in fear.

"I had become so used to being alone, that I had forgotten I existed outside of those walls. I'd forgotten that I could be seen, and I wasn't just a ghost watching from above. Then, something hit my window and I jumped. I poked my head up and saw you standing below with the biggest grin on your face as you waved, another snowball in your hand. 'Come play with me!' You yelled and my heart just shattered.

"I began to cry. From the moment I first saw your face, all I ever wanted was for you to notice me, but now that you had, I just wanted to be invisible again because it was so much easier than knowing I'd never be able to call you my friend.

"I shook my head and watched as your expression shifted from joy to confusion and then to disappointment. 'I can't.' I had said and then I ran. I threw myself on my bed and began to sob, I couldn't handle staying there a moment longer knowing that you were out there living the life I wished I had.

"Just a few seconds later I heard a tapping on the window and lifted my head. There you were, perched on a branch in the tree right outside my room. You waved at me and smiled, beckoning me toward you. I wiped at my eyes, and held up my hand, asking you to wait. I threw on a thick jacket, a beanie and scarf and cracked open the window just enough to hear your voice.

"You asked me why I didn't want to come and play with you and I told you that I was sick, that I had cancer and that if I went outside, I could die. I said I wasn't allowed to play with other kids, that they had too many germs and that I had to stay inside until I got better… if I ever did.

"Your face just dropped, I'd never seen this side of you before and all I wanted to do was reach out and hug you, to hold you and tell you that I was sorry, but I couldn't, even just being that close to an open window in winter was a risk I shouldn't have taken. I couldn't handle your pain, couldn't handle that I was the one causing it, so I told you that I had to go. You nodded sadly and murmured, 'Okay, bye.' And consumed with guilt, I retreated.

"I couldn't bear the thought of watching you climb back down that tree and walk away and I knew that I'd never be able to go back to that window again, that the one thing that had brought me joy, would now be the thing to cause me pain.

"I woke just before you would leave for school the next morning, just as I always did, only, this time I stayed in bed, my pillow blocking my ears so I wouldn't hear your voice. I didn't hear the knock at our door, but I did catch the sound of your car door shutting as your mother drove you away. I felt as though I had lost you and in losing you, I lost a piece of me too.

"Then, my mum appeared in my doorway, a small box clutched in her hands. She was smiling. She walked up to me, her grin growing with each step and she handed the box to me. She told me it was from you and I gasped. I felt shocked, dumbfounded, I kept looking from the gift to my mother and back again, I was in such disbelief.

"My hands shook as I opened it and then I just broke, big fat tears rolled down my face. Inside was a walkie talkie and a short letter from you. Your handwriting was a mess, your words misspelled, but I didn't care, it was the single most precious gift I had ever received in my life and I loved it. I still remember it verbatim."

I pause for a moment and close my eyes. I can still see your hurried scrawl and the way some of your letters were written backwards.

"'Too the girl next door.
My nam is Anna and I wont to be your frend.
Even thow you are sic we can still be frends.
I got this walkie talkie for you so we can talk and wen your all better we can play together and bild a snowman!
I hope you like my drawing, I maid it just for you.
Love from Anna.'"

I chuckle softly as I open my eyes, that image fading away.

"God, Anna, I read that letter more times than I can count. I knew it by heart by then end of that day, and it instantly became my most prised possession. I couldn't believe how much you cared, you'd only met me for a second and yet, you showed more compassion and empathy in one single letter than anyone had shown me in the three years I'd been fighting this disease.

"Of course, you know how special that picture you drew for me is, I still have it in a frame on our mantle. It was just so precious, you and me playing in the snow, both of us smiling with that goofy snowman between us. I just remember crying and clutching both the picture and letter to my chest as I waited by the window for you to come home.

"That was the start of our amazing friendship. We talked for hours that night, do you remember? It was well beyond our bedtimes, but we just couldn't find a way to say goodnight to each other. It was like I had known you my entire life. I had never connected with anyone the way I connected with you. For two people that had to remain separate, we became pretty damn inseparable.

"We talked every single day from then on. Whenever you played outside, you always played in my yard, you'd climb the tree and wave or do cartwheels on the lawn, we even had a snowball fight through my closed window one day, do you remember that? You would make a ball out of snow and throw it at my window, and I'd tear up some paper, scrunch the pieces up and throw them right back, then you would hit yourself with your own snowball and pretend it was mine. You even fell to the floor, coughing and spluttering as you wiped the snow from your face. God, you made me laugh so hard, I'd forgotten what it was like to laugh before you came along.

"Sometimes we'd talk on the two-way radios, other times we'd chat over the phone or write letters to each other whilst you were at school. But we always loved the walkie talkies the best, anyone could have a phone conversation, but those walkie talkies were our thing and that made them special to us. I loved the days when you would sit in the tree outside my window and we would just talk, for hours and hours, I never got bored of hearing your voice and I always missed it when you were gone.

"Then, a miracle happened. Three months after we met, we received the news that would change my life for the better.

"I was in remission."

"The treatment had finally worked. My immune system had fought back, rather than fighting itself and the cancer had virtually disappeared overnight.

"The doctors and specialists all put it down to the new drugs I was on, the combination of them in conjunction with chemo and radiation and the stem cell treatments, and god, everything else, but I knew better.

"It was you, Anna. You were the reason my treatment was working because you gave me something to live for, a reason to fight, to have hope and actually look forward to a future. I survived because of you." The conviction in my words rings proudly around the room and I reach for your hand again and bring it to my lips. "You saved my life, Anna."

"My mum cried when we got the news, we both did. She called my father straight away and I could hear him sobbing over the phone. I knew I still had a long road ahead of me, a few more years of treatment to ensure the cancer didn't come back, but this was the beginning of the end and soon, I'd be able to be just like any other regular kid.

"When we got in the car, Mum told me that she had a special surprise waiting for me at home. I thought maybe it was chocolate or ice cream, maybe a new toy or book to read, I didn't really care though, all I wanted to do was get home and tell you my exciting news.

"The moment I walked through that door; my father engulfed me in the biggest hug I had ever received. He had left work the moment Mum called and raced home to beat us there. It was only when he released me and stepped back, that I saw what that present was…

"You." I kiss you again, there are no words to describe just how grateful I am to have had someone as special as you.

"You were standing right there in my kitchen, your hair tied into two little pigtails with the biggest smile on your face. You were bouncing on the balls of your feet; you were that excited, I thought you were going to burst. I looked to my dad and then to Mum asking the question I was too scared to voice and when she nodded, we both lunged forward, and I finally got to hug you for the first time in forever.

"God, it felt like I had finally found that missing piece. The other half to my whole. My soul had been reconnected, fixed back together and I knew that you and I belonged together. Forever.

"You stayed over that night and even took the next day off school. I showed you my house, my bedroom, the room my mum used as a classroom. And then we spent hours playing with all of my toys, dressing up and pretending that I was the queen, and you were the princess, come to rescue me. It was the best day of my life and if it had been my last, I would have died happy. You and I ended up falling asleep on the floor, still in our costumes, laying under the fort we'd made from pillows and the sheets from my bed. We'd refused to stop talking for even a second and at some point, we'd simply passed out.

"From that moment forward, we were like sisters, inseparable and I loved you so much, Anna, so freaking much… I still do." I add solemnly. "I always will."

"I can still remember the day I first realised I was in love with you, not the day I fell in love, but the day I realised I already was. It was just another day, and unlike what movies and books led me to believe, nothing significant had happened. I wasn't sick, neither of us had had a near-death experience and you weren't walking around all scantily clad, seducing me with your wiles. It was just us, on my couch watching another Disney film and something made me look at you and you turned to me at the exact same moment and I just felt this overwhelming wave of affection and it was so sudden and yet, it wasn't. That feeling had always been there, I just hadn't ever taken the time to notice it.

"That feeling was so strong, it took my breath away and just looking in your eyes in that moment made it feel as though my very soul was shaking. Something had changed within me, Anna, something was not the same, I had this newfound knowledge, and I had no idea what to do with it.

"You of course noticed the difference immediately, you asked me if I was okay. I was shaking all over and practically hyperventilating and I know you saw the fear in my eyes. I had told you I was fine, just cold and you moved closer and pulled me in, wrapping the blanket around us both, even though you knew it was a lie. You had always teased me about my indifference to the cold, how it never bothered me. So, you had to have known I was lying then, but you didn't say anything, didn't question me or push for the truth, you just did what you do best and showed me unwavering love and support by just being there.

"That realisation terrified me. I was so scared I didn't know how to act around you anymore because once I had realised the truth, it became so glaringly obvious that I just couldn't hide it at all. Every time you looked at me, I felt myself blush. You made me nervous and giddy and god, I just wanted to kiss you all the time. But I was so scared of how you'd react, you know me, always fearing the worst. I was afraid you'd reject me, run and I would lose everything in one fell swoop. So, I kept my secret to myself and dreaded the day you would fall in love with someone else, because my luck was never that good and I knew it was only a matter of time before you found someone that wasn't me.

"Then, one day you and I were enjoying a picnic on the bank of the fjord, we had a blanket set out over the grass and our bellies were full of strawberries and chocolate and those little sandwiches you loved so much. We were laying on our backs, watching the clouds as they floated above, pointing out the different shapes we could see in their formations and we both turned to look at each other at the same time. The wind picked up for a second and whipped your hair over your face. Without thinking I reached out and tucked it behind your ear and then I lingered there for a second longer than necessary and when I looked down at you, I saw the emotion that I knew was reflected in my own eyes. Your hand curled around mine, I gasped, and you smiled as your touch travelled up my arm, over my shoulder and neck before tenderly cupping my cheek.

"Everything froze in that moment, time itself seemed to have come to a standstill. My heart was racing so fast, I could no longer discern one beat from the next. I could feel myself trembling, barely daring to breathe as you licked your lips and your eyes locked onto mine. I felt the tug and followed it, my breath caught in my chest and when our lips finally met, I felt like I could fly. We fit together perfectly, like pieces of a puzzle and I knew we were made for each other, that this was just the beginning of something amazing.

"That kiss was so sweet, so timid and shy, barely a brush of lip against lip, but it was everything. And when you pulled away, I chased you down again, kissing you as hard as I could, trying to convey without words just how much I wanted this, wanted you… how much I loved you. Those three little words escaped me right then and there. I whispered them into your mouth, onto your lips and there was nothing I could have done to stop it. And instead of freaking out like I feared you would, you simply beamed and repeated those words right back to me before pulling me in and we became so lost in each other that the world could have come crashing down around us, and neither of us would have noticed.

"You are my soulmate, Anna. My one and only. God, I could just sit here forever and reminisce with you. We had so many good times together and you were always there for me. When my parents died, you were the one that got me through it, when we found out that I was infertile, it was your support that kept me going. I don't-" My voice cracks under the weight of my emotions and I drop my head into your lap. "I don't know how I'm going to get through this without you."

I allow the weight of my grief to consume me, the dark clouds that you kept at bay are looming just above my head, growing denser and darker with each passing second. I hold your hand so tight, cradling it against my chest, trying to find the comfort I always found within your arms. The baby on your chest yawns and I lift my head as a sudden realisation strikes me. Right here in this room are three people representing my past, present and future and somehow, I have to find a way to get up and leave my past behind.

"I don't know how to be alone anymore, Anna." I cry as I stand and perch myself on your bed. I only hesitate for a second before laying down and wrapping my arms around both you and our baby. My head rests on your chest, directly over your heart and I hold my breath, listening for that melodic beat that always brought me peace and it crushes me when I realise, I'll never hear it again. "I love you, so much." A pained wail escapes my lips as I hold you as tight as I can. Nothing feels right anymore, nothing is the same. I don't know who to turn to, where to find comfort, you were my world and now that's gone and I feel so, so empty and alone.

"Remember the day we got married?" I ask, forcing myself to keep talking, to keep reminiscing, to relive all those moments we had together because I know the moment I leave this room, those memories will be all I have left. "You were so beautiful that day, Anna, you took my breath away. And it wasn't because of your hair or your makeup or that suit that made my heart race. It was your joy, your love, your unbridled exhilaration that made you positively luminous. You were radiant, Anna and I knew I was the luckiest woman alive, I had to be, because out of all the women in the world you could have given your heart to, you chose me. Me and I will never understand why.

"I wish I could have found the words to express just how much I love you, how much I adore you and I have truly cherished every single moment we've had together. I wish I could take back all those times we fought, every time we argued, all those moments we wasted being angry at each other. None of it seems to matter anymore."

I trace the constellation of freckles on your chest with the tip of my finger, my breath stuttering again as my eyes sting with fresh tears. "I miss you so much already, Anna…" My voice cracks, those tears slide down my cheeks as I press closer and bury my head in your chest. "I lo-love you s-so m-much." I wail and my fist clutches your gown so tight as I sob, that pain engulfing me once again. "I-I can't do this!" Every inch of me trembles, from my head to my toes and I feel so, so cold, I shiver. "I need you!" I shatter, my soul split, my heart in ruins, I haven't the strength to go on. "Please, don't leave me." I know my words are hopeless, you're already gone, and there's nothing left to save.

"I love you."

---

"Elsa," A voice calls distantly. "Elsa…"

I begin to rouse, confused and in a daze. Everything aches, my head is pounding, every muscle feels tight and strained. My chest feels constricted, and my face is puffy and sore. I groan as I shift, scrunching my eyes closed as a bright light seeps through my lids. I blink rapidly, my head foggy and heavy as I try to make sense of my surroundings.

"You fell asleep." A woman says, her voice vaguely familiar, as though from a dream.

I grunt as I push myself up, there's a mass beneath me, a blanket draped over my body and then my head begins to clear… "Anna." You're still there, your body just a still and silent as before. It hits me like a tonne of bricks… it wasn't just a bad dream.

That pain suddenly comes rushing back, crushing me as I sob uncontrollably. You are gone and now I have to find my way without you guiding me. I wrap my arms around your chest, only to realise there's something missing. "My baby!" I cry frantically.

"It's okay, I have her." The woman assures and I finally look her way. It's Gerda standing in the doorway with my sleeping newborn in her arms. "She got hungry, and I thought you could do with the rest."

Gerda walks over as I wipe my eyes and try to catch my breath, but every inhalation is agony and all I can do is gasp. I swing my legs over the edge of the bed, my body protesting as I get to my feet, my knees shaking, and I hold onto the mattress to steady myself.

An arm wraps around my shoulders, and Gerda pulls me in close. "It's time, Elsa." She says firmly and I look back down, to your face, to those freckles, to those lips and your eyes and everything else that I adore about you.

"No." I whimper, shaking my head, "I can't…"

"She's gone, Elsa." Gerda reminds me and my head drops. My chin trembles, my tears splattering on your chest as my shoulders bunch and I press my hand to the skin above your heart. "Nothing is going to bring her back and the longer you stay, the harder it will be to leave."

I choke on my tears, shaking my head as I grasp your hand in mine. "I don't want to…" I cry and even though I know that you're no longer here, that all I'm clutching is an empty shell, I still can't bring myself to leave.

"I know." Gerda empathises, "But she's dead, Elsa. And I know that hurts to hear, but you do need to hear it, because you need to face the reality that she isn't coming back." Her words cut through me like a knife, plunging into the empty cavity that used to hold my heart. "And by staying here, you're keeping her alive in your mind and that just isn't healthy. You need to find the strength to get up, to walk from this room and find a new way of living because you have something wonderful and she's going to need her mother and you're going to need her just as much."

"I-I don't know how." I implore my hands gripping you tighter, too afraid to let go.

Gerda sighs and she brushes the hair from my face. "Say your last goodbyes." She tells me, "I'll be just outside the room, waiting to take you back to your family. They need you too, Elsa. You still have each other, you're not as alone as you think you are." She rubs my back before handing me my daughter, forcing me to let go of your body. "I'll be right outside." She says and then turns and leaves.

It's quiet again, too quiet, too still, and silent and it's deafening. That door closes and I begin to sob again, my chest aching as I look down at you and commit every detail to memory. Your eyes are closed, but I know their hue better than I know my own, that aquamarine that seems to change shade with your mood. The lightly tanned colour of your skin that serves as a canvas for the freckled stars that paint your body. The shape and colour and fullness of your lips that always fit so perfectly with mine. The way you smell, the melody of your laugh, the shape of your smile and the feeling of your kiss. The way you never fail to make me happy, how amazing it feels to be in your arms, and how you always felt like home.

"I love you, Anna." I whisper and reach down, cupping your face in my hand. "I will always love you." I lean in, my forehead resting against yours as I breathe you in and press my lips to yours, one last time.

I take your hand in mine and squeeze it before taking that first step back and I can hear your voice in my mind again, "I love you too, Elsa."

I don't take my eyes off you for a second as I retreat, my hand still gripping yours until both our arms are extended and I have no choice but to let go. Your arm flops limply, dangling over the edge of the bed and it's only then that the reality really sinks in.

You are gone. This is your ending and our daughter's beginning, and I am the link between the two.

I turn to the door, knowing that if I don't, I'll never be able to leave. But when I reach the threshold, I pause for a moment and look back at you. "I've decided on a name." I murmur around the thick lump in my throat and smile sadly at our daughter sleeping in my arms. "Dawn." My voice breaks, tears flowing freely. "Her name is Dawn."

---

It is always darkest just before the dawn.

---

A/N: I have been thinking about writing an alternate ending to this story. What do you guys think, should I leave it as is, or should I add a second chapter with a different ending?