I'm getting thinner.

I know the pups of Moro see the change in me. In the first days I lived without Ashitaka I was my normal self, but even then, I somehow felt like something was missing. Like there was this "empty place" somewhere deep inside my heart. He was my other half, my significant other. He had always filled the place that I had had as a child, the place of family or that I didn't belong anywhere.

The pups are worried about me, telling me I should go to the rebuilding Tatara Ba and find him myself. I really don't know why I don't.

….I guess it's because I still hold bitter to the people of the Tatara Ba. They had killed so many. I knew they had their reasons, but couldn't there have been other way? So, all I can do is just to watch him at every dawn.

I'm getting thinner, because I just don't feel like eating. I don't feel the hunger. Only thing I feel is unbearable pain in my chest. I've never felt anything like this before. Because he was with me back then.

Yet, we weren't always together, there was many times he couldn't be with me…

Flashback

Soon after I had met him Ashitaka and I became really close. I finally had someone to laugh and talk with. And I was allowed to go outside as well. After some time I had learned that Ashitaka was the prince of our clan. Yet, he never acted like one. He treated me as an equal, like I was not outsider at all. He taught me how to play. I became more carefree and more like the other girls my age.

"Ashitaka!" I called out for his name. I wondered what fun we would be doing today. Maybe we would go swimming to the river, or maybe we would just sit down on a field and chat.

"I'm sorry, San, I can't play now. I must go to my fighting lesson"

"But why? Can't I come too?"

"I don't think you can, San. But I promise I'll come to see you in the evening"

"Okay"

It continued to be like this for many days. He had only one day off a week, and he spent more and more less time with me. I was really lonely, but I ignored it and buried myself to my oracle studies.

Yet, without Ashitaka, there was no fun at all.

Finally, after it had continued for a month, I got enough of it.

"Ashitaka, today I'm coming with you" I told him

"San, are you sure that's a good idea? The training is very hard and you could get hurt. I don't want you to get hurt"

"I know that, but I also know I can manage. I just want to be with you"

He smiled at my words. I knew he was proud of me, and flattered since I wanted to be with him. Then, he nodded at me and said:

"Alright then. I'll convince everyone"

And so I went with him. We took a small spars at first. Everyone were a bit against of my training, but Ashitaka stuck up for me, and finally I was allowed to go freely. I didn't go to all of his fighting lessons, since I had to study as well, but I went every time I could.

With summer nearing, we had less of lessons and we were able to be more together. Usually we went swimming or to a flower field. In the near of middle summer, we were once again on the flower field. It was filled with marguerites. I had fallen asleep on the field next to Ashitaka. I woke up of a tap on my head. I sat up and noticed there was a wreath of marguerites on my head.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up" Ashitaka said to me

"It's okay, I was only in a light sleep. Wow, this is pretty beautiful. Did you make it?"

"Yeah. I just wondered you would look beautiful with it on your head"

"Could you teach me how to make these?"

"Sure"

He taught me the whole rest of day, but my last one wasn't even close as beautiful as the one he had made to me.

"I'll never be so good as you" I whined

"Yes you will. You just need more practise"

Then, just suddenly an idea came up to my mind and I said it out loud

"I want to get married with wreath of marguerites on my head that I've made myself"

"Then there will be no bride more beautiful than you" Ashitaka said to me gently and smiled. I returned his smile. I knew this was a promise to him. And I was going to practise making wreaths hard.

End of flashbacks

Of course, that time I was never really thinking I would fell in love with him of want to marry him. I just wanted to get married and have a family. But I was just a child, completely innocent for the ways of love. Probably I was thinking I would just marry some of the old men of the village.

And I didn't know loving someone would hurt this much.

Right now, I was killing my time walking around the forest. Suddenly, I reached a field. It was filled with marguerites. I had to gasp. It was so much like the field we had used to sit and chat so many times. I went to sit down. And almost naturally I took some flowers and started making a wreath. After a while I was done.

Ashitaka had always told me I was beautiful. I had been a little straled by it. I myself thought myself really ugly. I was thin, always had been, I wasn't very tall, my eyes were sharp and blue, and my hair was messy, short and even a little diry. I wasn't type of caring my looks, but sometimes I wondered, how someone so perfect, handsome, kind and princely, chose to love someone like me? I loved him so much too, but I didn't feel worthy of his love at all.

I walked over to a river nearby and watched my reflection on the water. My eyes looked suffered and tired. I still had the wreath on my hands, and I put it on.

Yes, I had to admit, it did fix my looks a bit. White fitted with my dark clothes. I touched my reflection with my hand and drank a bit water.

Ashitaka, where are you? What are you doing right now?