Chapter 16: I thought I'd forget you but I guess I forgot to, and lately I've been too confused to think.
"This collection is different than your previous work." Spike's agent said, browsing through the stack of poetry. Spike nodded, shoving his nervousness to the farthest part of his mind. "I confess, it is a larger quantity of poetry than we had been expecting you to produce in the time that has elapsed." Rupert Giles continued, pulling off his glasses to wipe the lenses briefly before slipping them back on. He studied the young man in the seat across from his desk for a moment. "We would like to publish this collection, if you are agreeable."
"Can the changes be made as I specified?" Spike asked, chewing on the inside of his lip until it bled.
Rupert nodded. "Yes, I believe so. You're sure you don't want a more upbeat piece for the last poem in the book?"
"I'm sure of the order." Spike replied firmly.
Rupert shrugged. "All right then. We're agreed?"
Spike hesitated only a moment before taking the pen Rupert offered, and signing his name to the contract.
"""
Xander curled up in bed, pulling the blankets up to his ears as he stared at the wall. He shook in silent grief, only now at the end of the day letting the tears fall free and soak into the pillow. He knew Faith was baffled, wondering why he'd become even more of a hermit after finding out that he was the central figure in William's poems. He didn't know where to begin to explain to her that he wasn't upset with Spike, not anymore. No, though he mourned their relationship, he laid the full burden of blame on his own shoulders. It had been obvious in hindsight that Spike was William, now that he knew what kind of clues he was looking for. The type of books in Spike's apartment, the strangely insightful things Spike would sometimes say, the way Spike had absentmindedly smiled a little bit while also acting a little awkward whenever he'd started talking about William's poetry. He'd been surprised how easily he'd fallen in love with Spike, and he'd had a bit of a crush on William, so why the hell hadn't he been overjoyed to find out that they were the same man?
Faith had started to call three times a day, and stop by at least once every other day, and Xander had started spending more and more time with his deadbolt locked and his phone turned off. God, the look on Spike's face at the bookstore... Xander couldn't close his eyes without seeing that face, etched with pain and regret. Spike was a loving, kind man, and William was a beautiful, tender soul. Xander knew he wasn't worthy of William's attention, and after giving into the flight impulse, he didn't think he was worthy of Spike's love anymore. He wasn't smart enough to hold onto the best thing that had ever happened to him, so instead he confined himself to the bedroom. He didn't eat, didn't sleep much, just let the sweet memories of Spike torment his mind as longing wracked his body in penance.
After a few hours of tossing and turning, Xander forced himself out of bed and into clothing and a light jacket. He had the sudden urge to see Spike, to make sure Spike was all right, even though he was afraid Spike might see him and lure him into talking, and he wasn't worthy of Spike's forgiveness. He stumbled out of his apartment, scraggily beard-stubble scratching against the collar of his dark old flannel shirt.
He parked in one of the farthest spots in the parking lot, out of sight of the large picture window behind the front counter. There was only the tiniest sliver of a crescent moon, and the night was pitch black, but he could see well enough with the light pouring out of the store. He carefully approached the edge of the window, hugging the wall as he peeked in the window. He saw Buffy first, bustling around behind the counter and arranging merchandise, before his eyes fell on Spike.
He was a little paler than Xander remembered, his stance a little bit more slumped than it used to be. He wasn't smiling, wiping down the counter while staring into space. Even with the faint shadows under his eyes, he still looked like the most beautiful person in the world. With a pang of heartache, Xander withdrew, heading back into the night.
"""
Spike let his body drift on autopilot since the store was slow tonight. He thought he saw dark hair and a flash of flannel out of the corner of his eye, and his head whipped towards the front store window as he searched the darkness for what had caught his attention. There was nothing outside, and Spike cursed his still-hammering heart as he wrote it off as a hallucination.
"Whatcha thinking about? Or do I even need to ask?" Buffy said, leaning on the counter beside him. He glanced at her and then glanced away, and she nodded. "Figured as much. Why don't you call him, or stop by his place or something? Hire a singing telegram?"
Spike snorted. "Singing telegrams never end well. Haven't you seen 'Clue' and 'Beaches'?"
She shrugged. "So either he'll get framed for murder or married, but at least that has to be better than no contact at all. And somehow he doesn't seem the type to propose marriage to a girl in a giant rabbit suit." Buffy sighed as Spike continued to evade eye contact. "Did you get the tickets?"
"They came in the mail, same as yours." he remarked.
Buffy waited for him to continue, but he stayed silent. "So... Are you going to give Xander a ticket to the B&N Halloween Bash?"
Spike jerked away from her. "Bloody hell, Buffy! My love life is my business. Can't you stop pestering me for five minutes?"
"Nope." she replied cheerily. She dropped the insanely-perky-ditz act for a minute. "Seriously, Will. You guys have to at least talk to each other, even if you don't get back together. If you keep avoiding him for the rest of your life, you'll always wonder 'what-if'."
"You're right." Spike said, then winked half-heartedly at Buffy. "Do you think you could give the ticket to Faith to give to Xander for me?" She smacked him upside the head. "Ow!"
"What are you, in high school? The Great Baith is not a messenger service." She replied. "You want him to come, you invite him yourself."
"""
Two days later, Xander was still moping in his apartment, and Spike was still putting off the confrontation. Baith, currently nicknamed the "Bringing All Idiots Together How?" club, met at Faith's apartment.
"I just don't know what to do." Faith exclaimed. "They're both madly in love with the other, and they both think they're unworthy of the other. We're running out of time if we want them back together by All Hallow's Eve."
"I think I might have an idea." Buffy said, pulling an object from her pocket and handing it to Faith.
Faith looked at it, and then looked at Buffy. "It's worth a try."